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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

found sex texts on phone

105 replies

suchamessysitu · 26/02/2017 18:14

New on here but hoping for suggestions of what to do. Found texts on husbands phone to girl he knows which were very explicit and very clear what they would do to each other. They know each other from work. Felt utterly sick reading them. He assures me nothing has happened and the texts were hypothethical (which i could also tell). I just wonder if anything would have happened if I hadn't found these. Can I ever trust him again? ?

OP posts:

iremembericod · 26/02/2017 18:16

What makes you believe nothing has happened?

MrsChopper · 26/02/2017 18:16

for you. What a bastard. This would be a deal breaker for me. I couldn't trust him again as the thought of playing away is obviously there.

Wishiwasmoiradingle2017 · 26/02/2017 18:17

He is still a cheat even if he hasn't touched her. . Which is prob a lie saying he hasn't. .
Packing his stuff would be the only option to me.

Original poster

suchamessysitu · 26/02/2017 18:18

They were talking what they wanted to do on the first time, talking about where their paths would cross and exactly what they wanted to do. I think if I hadn't found text it probably would have gone ahead and fir god knows how long

OP posts:

Wishiwasmoiradingle2017 · 26/02/2017 18:19

Well tell him he is welcome to continue with his plans as he is now single. .

MrsChopper · 26/02/2017 18:19

What makes you think it isnt still going ahead? He'll just be that little bit smarter when he is covering up

AnyFucker · 26/02/2017 18:20

Deal breaker for me

Is it not a deal breaker for you ?

Original poster

suchamessysitu · 26/02/2017 18:21

He's very apologetic and said it was just a flirty game. I confronted her by text and told her to back off, she was apologetic and said nothing would have happened in reality.

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 26/02/2017 18:23

And that's it ?

Original poster

suchamessysitu · 26/02/2017 18:23

If we're didn't have children it would be a deal breaker definitely

OP posts:

Wishiwasmoiradingle2017 · 26/02/2017 18:24

So my mn friend. . You have given him the green light to continue with his piss taking cheating behaviour. But next time he will be more clever and cover his tracks. .
You have been warned.

AnyFucker · 26/02/2017 18:24

Your husband was interacting sexually with OW. Maybe he hasn't fucked her (yet) but that was the way it was going.

It is cheating, IMO. The same as if you had caught him balls deep.

AnyFucker · 26/02/2017 18:25

Oh well. See you in a few months time then.

Original poster

suchamessysitu · 26/02/2017 18:26

He said it got out of hand and his ego enjoyed the attention. Not sure how long these conversations have been going on as nothing previous but might have deleted others.

OP posts:

MrsChopper · 26/02/2017 18:26

Sorry OP but your last post makes you sound naive.

happypoobum · 26/02/2017 18:26

Well I am not sure why you are posting then? If this doesn't cross a boundary for you then that's fine, it's your life.

I wouldn't tolerate this in a partner, but if you choose to then you can expect more of the same..............

TondelayaDellaVentamiglia · 26/02/2017 18:27

okay, you believe him, but really, can you ever look at him in the same light

married with children, and you think the best thing is to stick with it "for the children" when he was planning to fuck some woman at work because he could. Good luck with that.

He'll do it again, and hide it better.

ReggaeShark · 26/02/2017 18:27

A "hypothetical" sex text (if such a thing exists) is still a sex text.

troodiedoo · 26/02/2017 18:28

How did you come to find them? Were you suspicious and had a look, or totally by chance?

Long term, you can trust him again but this is entirely dependent on him. He needs to acknowledge that he's fucked up badly, hurt you massively and want to make it up to you and prove that he won't do it again. That's a big ask for a lot of men (or women, come to that) who have cheated. If he's playing it down as nothing has happened yet, or even worse trying to blame you in some way, that's not a good sign.

You must be in bits, feel for you. Don't make any decisions in a hurry.

Original poster

suchamessysitu · 26/02/2017 18:29

I've given him so much grief, lots of tears and questions. He hasn't done this before that I know off, i'm not being naive or soften but I'm just shocked and no idea how to deal with it. Don't know if to try to get hold of phone bill for other conversations

OP posts:

Scrumptiousbears · 26/02/2017 18:30

Men who do this are utter cunts. Sadly it seems to be so common these days. Problem is OP you'll always be checking his phone now and won't trust him. Do you want this type of life for yourself and your kids?

WeeMcBeastie · 26/02/2017 18:34

A definite deal breaker! As others have said he will still do it but he more careful about covering his tracks. Think about it carefully, would you ever be able to trust him around this woman in future? Even if you do decide to take him back you'll be paranoid and worried every time he goes to work and especially during work parties etc. Even if nothing happens with this woman there are likely to be others and it will go further. Even if he's in the minority of cheating men who would learn a lesson from this, you will still struggle to trust him ever again. You'll save yourself a lot of heartache by ending this relationship now. The children will be fine.

Original poster

suchamessysitu · 26/02/2017 18:36

Thanks for your replies. Yes it's utter shit and the content was so explicit that it's not like he's ever text me stuff like that.

OP posts:

ShoutOutToMyEx · 26/02/2017 18:44

He'll do it again, and hide it better.

Sorry OP but I have to agree.

iremembericod · 26/02/2017 18:44

Trust is fragile and once it is broken can be difficult/impossible to rebuild.

You have to be ready for this to hurt for the next few years, it won't just go away.

Can you allow yourself to be honest in how you really feel about this...E.g. Do you definitely still love and admire him as a person or do you see no option but to stay together because of finances/kids/practicalities?

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