found sex texts on phone

[suchamessysitu]

New on here but hoping for suggestions of what to do. Found texts on husbands phone to girl he knows which were very explicit and very clear what they would do to each other. They know each other from work. Felt utterly sick reading them. He assures me nothing has happened and the texts were hypothethical (which i could also tell). I just wonder if anything would have happened if I hadn't found these. Can I ever trust him again? ?

I really feel for you OP. I would definitely consider that to be cheating, whether he has managed to go through with it or not. I expect he wouldn't be too pleased with you if the roles were reversed. I personally think that would be the end for me if my partner had done the same, but I can understand how it's easy to say from an outsiders point of view. You hear so many stories of people giving their partner another chance and they go ahead and throw it back in their face by betraying them once again. You need to think carefully if this man can ever be trusted again and if the answer is no then don't sell yourself short or feel trapped by your circumstances.. there are always options to leave it's just sometimes easier to stay. Good luck.. x

I'm so sorry that you are going through this. IMO you would have to have spent a long time talking to someone in real life to have become familiar enough to start sexting a married man/woman in the first place so I would be asking when and where they became close. Did they get off at an office Christmas party or night out or some other corporate function. Have there been work trips away etc. If so you need to know the absolute full extent of his betrayal. Don't be fobbed off there has to be a starting point. Only when you know exactly when, where and how much has gone on can you decide whether you can work through this. Anything less than absolute candour and complete contrition from him would mean that there is much more to hide. If he can tell you exactly what has happened you should contact the woman and ask her to tell you in her own words what's gone on (without him being able to talk to her first to get their story straight). If the stories match then you may be able to get through this provided that he is willing to go to marriage counselling. If he's not willing to do this or tries to make you feel bad for not believing him then you probably have your answer that you will never be able to trust him again.

Hope you'll figure out what is right for you sooner rather than later. Shitty situation to be in. Hope you have RL support too.

I bet he's the sorriest motherfucker you've ever met right now - the sorry face they produce can be amazing.

He was close enough to a woman who is not you, to explicitly message her and make 'plans'.

You busted him this time.

THIS TIME

Do you honestly want to be in a relationship where you are checking his every move, policing him? He works with her, near her.

No thank you.

I have been here. The next time (oh yes, there will be!) he had a full affair during my pregnancy.

I'm sorry. I know how it feels.

Not attracted to her??

I certainly wouldn't text someone sexually unless I were attracted, let alone describe my sexual plans in detail with them. Again and again.

And it's his problem.

It's not you. It's really not. I promise.

I'm so angry with her too, she will be keeping a low profile no doubt

You need to tell her partner and expose their relationship. Don't sweep it under the rug.

Agree with Lucy, ow is a shameless piece of work to be sexting a married man, doubly so if she's also married. As many have already said, no consequences means they'll think nothing of repeating the behaviour. If she keeps a low profile and they both 'get away with it ', they'll know they can hook up again after the dust has settled.
I was initially under the impression you had seen the whole string of texts, but if he's been deleting them and got caught by chance, just think how easy it will be for him to hide again. It's a terrible thing to have to distrust your partner. You're better off out of it.

Good luck In whatever u decide to do op my dh got to friendly with someone not sexting but deleted text late night phone calls that I wasn't aware of until I snooped. Months down the line I still find it hard to trust him and over analysis everything he does and like i said there wasn't even anything sexual in the text but once the trust is broken it which in my opinion it was its hard to move on. Not sure how I would feel if it was sexting it may be a deal breaker for me

I will be completely honest with you.

I will ashamedly admit that I have been drawn into this before. Co worker too.

I told a hold of myself quite quickly and stopped things before they escalated. It happened so fast and I was not expecting it but frankly I will be honest with you, if I had given him the green light he would have taken it. I disgust myself don't worry. And I am disgusted by him now.

In this situation each party is making their position clear, i.e. I would like to have sex with you. What happens next is one person has to instigate the bravado to actually meet, and convince the other person it will all be fine, no one will know etc.

I also believe that even if it starts off a 'game' it can so easily and quickly spill over into more.

FYI, I don't think you have to find someone attractive to sleep with them necessarily, if you think the sex will be good and excitingly elicit that's enough. And the fact you are seriously considering it enough to make your clear position to the other person in a proposition means you are testing the waters with it before actually doing it. I would say there is real intention. Althing in my case I suddenly thought holy shit this is not what I want and I am a ridiculous person for getting my head turned by this bullshit

I'd be very interested to know what he'd think/do if the situation was reversed.

Only thing I'd point OP; is that 99% of the time women come on here saying they've found out their partner has cheated/been cheating ... he had prior form of some type that she let go, forgave, whatever.

Oh, and I wouldn't think about ow - if it wasn't her it'd be someone else - if attractive and 'up for it'... ultimately she doesn't owe you anything, it's him who did.

The question is where do you go from here. Whatever you need from him to try and repair the damage you have to tell him.

He needs to realise what he's done, isn't just banter or excessive flirting..... It's more than that.

So I often say in these situations, ask your DH, if the situation was reversed, what would he expect and need you to do to regain trust and reassure you.

He then just needs to implement that. Now if you get a response like, "it's no big deal. It wouldn't bother me" or worse still if you get a response one cheating husband told his wife,which was if she'd been the one who cheated, he'd have divorced her and he didn't understand how she could forgive him..... Then I'd be thinking twice about it.

What your DH doesn't understand is that this behaviour of his, can backfire. The betrayed person thinks they aren't good enough and can go and seek attention of their own... Leading to an affair.

In my relationship work, I've seen it happen a fair amount.

Him taking the initiative to do things to look into his behaviour (or taking steps once directed), will certainly help. Tell him to get online and at a minimum he can Google and "how to regain trust after an affair".

Don't let him tell you they haven't done anything so it's not an affair. A good book for him to read is "Not just friends" by Dr. Shirley Glass, available on PDF.

If he values the marriage and is remorseful (rather than just sorry he was caught), then he'll do it, no question.

We all like an ego boost. Attention from the opposite sex can be flattering, but looking at where it can end up is what a reasonable person, thinking of their spouse does.

Most don't think of the consequences, because they don't expect to get caught out.

I advocate letting your spouse believe that loosing you is a possibility and one you aren't scared of, should your requirements following this affair not be met. I think if your spouse is of the belief you'd never leave, they get cocky, comfortable and they do it again.

As she's also in a relationship, you should consider letting her partner know as well. Do not tell your DH in advance, if you decide to do this. It's felt another pair of eyes kill the sneaking around and excitement from the secrecy.

I tend to agree if it wasn't her it would be someone else. My co worker has resorted to making comments about all the other women who are constantly chasing after him to make me realise what I missed out on when I rejected his advances. Certainly shows I was nothing special but a wet hole.

Moving forward I agree with what Sandy says

Ironically I am a forgiving person and if I thought someone was genuinely regretful over something silly I would forgive them. But getting defensive would make me question their regret

This also happened to me. It was 7 years ago and he was messaging some girl - very explicit and so unlike the person I knew. I'm sure he was feeling left out in a way as I busy with the kids and not giving him attention!!! At that time I tried to forgive him and more on. 6 years later we are separated and that incident was definately the beginning of our downfall. I tried to pretend everything was fine but I checked everything! The more I checked, the more secretive he became. I really thought we were fine but he started acting weird again and ended up admitting to having feelings for someone else. I swear that over those years he was emotionally involved with other women, never physical. I think he just craved that attention. When we were splitting we got councilling and my god I wish we had done it before. It's funny but she concentrated on that first time that he betrayed me (much to his annoyance!!😂😂) And I really think if we had gone after that first time then we might have been ok. See if you can go to someone. My partner got it through work- might be worth a try?
I would also try to get all the answers now, find out exactly how it started etc. If you leave it then they will eat away at you!
Good luck, don't make any quick decisions and make him suffer xx

I disagree in checking all his apps, emails and social media.
I disagree in exposing them to the OW's other half.
I don't think it makes the much difference to the OW that you've warned her to back off....

What makes the difference is the way you handle yourself, what actions you take for yourself.

I did all of the above, the checking, the warning off, the checking, the checking, the checking & I ended up obsessing about where he was, who he was with, who was he messaging, what had I missed?

His promises of "it was nothing", "I would never harm our relationship", "I don't find her attractive", "I love you" were empty. I walked away a year and a half later and never looked back. I should have left him sooner.

Be true to yourself and don't under estimate or minimise what he's done.

I looked on my ex's phone. I was worried about his state of mind at the time. He wasn't talking to me so I hoped he was talking to somebody hence looking at his phone.

Part of me wished I hadn't because I have never felt my blood run cold before. He had a text conversation between him and a coworker. The messages started off innocently but then over the course of a month or so the tone changed and it became more intimate. The last few messages were talking about how much they wanted to kiss each other. Also how much they wanted to sleep together again. Just typing it out makes me want to vomit.

In my experience, once the messages become flirty and they start engaging in chat about anything sexual there is an ulterior motive on both sides.

I too sent the ow a message. She responded in the way a guilty person would; I'm sorry, didn't mean for this to happen, didn't mean to hurt people blah blah. But never once did she say she would back off. They are still together and have a baby on the way. I regret sending her a text because that played straight into her hands. Since then I have tried my upmost to be as dignified as I can be to my ex. It isn't easy and I have had a couple of wobbles and have gone a bit apoplectic at times!

It is so hard but whatever you decide to do will be right for you and for your own personal circumstances. Good luck!

I walked away from my ex for this. Later he admitted to 8 years of cheating.

This has happened to me in the last few weeks.
It's feckin' awful.
I saw it all unraveling.
It got to a stage where they were arranging to meet.
So I gave him an ultimatum (I did have reasons for doing this)
He said he wanted me blah blah blah.
He's ending it with her blah blah blah.
Well a week later I found more proof that he hadn't at all.
Instead of facebook messenger he was using whatsapp!
I ended it.
There was other stuff as well.
Pictures they were sending to each other, even videos!
His internet history was 'interesting' to say the least.
He's having counselling now but I'll never ever trust him again so I'm done!
He's still messaging her now and denying it to me.
WHY???? Who knows, he's an accomplished liar as well.
He was seen out with her a week after I ended our relationship.
It's the disrespect for me that got me the most.
But we don't have kids together and we aren't married.
I was going to try but he continued.
If you can guarantee he's ended it and you can move forward then go ahead.
But you will need complete transparency.
Access to his phone, ipad etc....
There must be some sort of consequence or he will just carry on.
Make sure you see the message he sends her ending it (I made the mistake of not doing this)
It's absolutely gutting and I'm so sorry you are going through it.

And justnippingin is absolutely correct.
It turns you into a paranoid wreck with detective skills any PI would be proud of.
Not really the way to go.

OP, your messages yesterday at 20:23 where you mentioned they both agreed it wouldn't go further, makes it seem as if they discussed the whole situation in detail and set parameters.
If they weren't thinking of having sex why did this even need to discussed?

Yes to hellsbells, make sure you see the ending message and make sure he doesn't 'blame' it on you - 'we have to stop messaging because suchamess doesn't want me doing it anymore' - he needs to make it clear he wants to end it!

Stop wasting energy getting angry at the OW and contacting her to tell her to back off. She's not married to you. Yes, she's a terrible person for having a sexual affair with a married man (and make no mistake- this is a sexual affair, even if it hasn't got physical yet) but it is 100% your cheating husband that you should be focussing our attention on.

Do you really think that saying 'stop it' to this woman will make the blind bit of difference. Seriously, do not lower yourself to ever contacting her again.

If you are going to make a go of it with your H then you need to have a very open conversation to ascertain why this has come about? If it transpires that there is nothing wrong with the marriage and he is purely an opportunist who saw an opportunity to get his dick wet, then I think you'll agree your marriage is over. unfortunately, in the vast majority of cases this is all it is, and by busting him all you have done is driven his behaviour underground. he'll be more careful next time, I'm sure.

And good luck with whatever you decide for yourself and your relationship.

I wonder whether this is the first time he's done this? Have you had any suspicions before?

I would get an STI test and one for your H, just in case they have hooked up, then I'd get some counselling, speak to a lawyer for advice, then ask him to move out even if it's temporary it will help you get your head straight.

Even if he didn't do anything I couldn't trust him and that's the end of a relationship IMO.

Don't worry about the OW that's a red herring, she could be anyone. This is a symptom of other issues in your marriage.

Good luck OP.

so what's his consequence OP, have you checked him out, please don't do what a lot do on here and that's sweep it under the carpet; you're basically devaluing yourself if you do that and letting him know he can do it again, he just needs to be a bit more careful.

Yes of course he fancies her, and yes if not already he'd be in bed with her; why not, they're already discussing what they will do to each other, if this behaviour is not the highest level of disrespect to you then you are setting yourself up for future revelations.

And stop taking the blame for his shitty behaviour, no it isn't your fault; he made a choice to cheat on you and betray you, he obviously feels it's ok to treat you like crap, tell him it's not and tell him to fuck off whilst YOU decide if he's now good enough for you.