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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

found sex texts on phone

105 replies

suchamessysitu · 26/02/2017 18:14

New on here but hoping for suggestions of what to do. Found texts on husbands phone to girl he knows which were very explicit and very clear what they would do to each other. They know each other from work. Felt utterly sick reading them. He assures me nothing has happened and the texts were hypothethical (which i could also tell). I just wonder if anything would have happened if I hadn't found these. Can I ever trust him again? ?

OP posts:
Original poster
suchamessysitu · 26/02/2017 18:58

Can't believe he would risk everything for some sordid messages. They seemed very comfortable texting that sort of stuff which makes me think they've had several previous conversations.

OP posts:
SantasLittleMonkeyButler · 26/02/2017 19:02

Hi OP. Firstly, I'm really sorry you're going through this too.

I know how much this hurts as I was in exactly the same situation 13 months ago (to the day in fact!)

In my case, it destroyed a 20 year marriage.

He needs to understand how very serious this betrayal is. Will they continue to work together?

Bythebeach · 26/02/2017 19:09

If you stay, it will destroy your self-esteem.

Original poster
suchamessysitu · 26/02/2017 19:11

Hi santa sorry you've been through this too. Do you mind me asking what happened after you found out? Did you break up straight away?
They won't be working in the same office but not far..maybe 20 miles away. I told her to keep away and same to him..I've so ready deleted her number. They can still easily get in touch

OP posts:
DanniiMinogue · 26/02/2017 19:15

But he's not risking everything for text messages...that's why you can't believe him. He's risking everything for more than texts, he clearly wants something physical.

Original poster
suchamessysitu · 26/02/2017 19:16

He says he's utterly horrified with what he's done but yes you are all right in saying I'll not look at him the same

OP posts:
DanniiMinogue · 26/02/2017 19:20

I appreciate that you are in shock but do you honestly think that telling them both to keep away from each other is the solution here? Really?

Equally deleting her number? Why didn't he delete it in front of you? Surely he can simply email her and get her number then hide it in his phone under a new name?.

You can't control what he does which is why you won't trust him again.

ucandoit · 26/02/2017 19:23

I really feel for you. I was in this position before too. I just happened to come across a message with xxx at the end from a ex girlfriend of my husband. I knew straight away he was having an affair as he would never risk what appeared to be the perfect life and kids without getting something really big out of it. I'm still shocked at the extent of lying when he was caught out.He had a pay as you go phone and believed I could never get a record of past deleted calls. He eventually confessed. If you want the truth and he has nothing to hide tell him you want to see his phone records. He cannot hide what is factual in black and white.

AnyFucker · 26/02/2017 19:25

he is horrified he got caught

Karmaisabitch · 26/02/2017 19:26

All utter crap coming out of his face.

My friends dad cheated on her mum pretty much throughout.....he was just clever enough to hide it better after the first time.

Again, her mum stayed for the kids.

It's more selfish to stay for the kids....you'll only split when they are older & understand & they'll struggle all because you stayed for them.

Montane50 · 26/02/2017 19:26

Id be surprised if this was the first ow, if the content was very explicit that screams hes an old pro at it.
He's only gutted because he's been caught op. Re your relationship were there any signs he wasn't happy? Or does it all now make sense?

tooclosetocall · 26/02/2017 19:27

This is your wake up all.
It's not 'three strikes and you're out!'. Don't you think you deserve better?

tooclosetocall · 26/02/2017 19:27

*call

Ledkr · 26/02/2017 19:28

Ask him if he's happy for you to do the same as long as it's hypothetical and you apologise profusely.

I'd imagine not.

MrsChopper · 26/02/2017 19:30

He's horrified that he got caught. How exactly is he planning on making this up to you and re gaining your trust?

PollytheDolly · 26/02/2017 19:30

Oh god!
When was the last message?

If it were me that would be it. No excuses. There are none.

Ledkr · 26/02/2017 19:31

Some of these threads make me so depressed and sad.
I just pray that my daughters are able to be strong should they come across men like this in their lives.
I just couldn't be arsed with the drama. You are either with someone or you're not. It's not difficult to stay loyal to your partner as you are to friends and family.
It's really ok to be single.

JustHereForThePooStories · 26/02/2017 19:42

You know you've now just set the bar for what you'll accept from him?

NoFuckingRoomOnMyBroom · 26/02/2017 19:45

What did you hope to achieve from posting? Why are you so ready to believe his bullshit? Who gives a fuck if you have kids?-don't let them be the reason you tolerate this appalling behaviour, they wont thank you for it in the long run.

Original poster
suchamessysitu · 26/02/2017 19:47

I think I know the right thing to do...just so hard and a big shock. I know someone he works with who knows the girl he was texting and she said she is really surprised as they have never shown any interest in each other and that he seemed very committed to me and also her to her partner. I can't stop thinking how it started, was it innocent flirting at first, guess it doesnt matter now anyhow.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 26/02/2017 19:51

It's ok, love

Nobody really expects you to throw him out and end your marriage immediately

Let the dust settle and watch him carefully. Also, mind yourself. You've had a huge shock.

I recommend you talk to someone you trust in RL and tell them the truth

ucandoit · 26/02/2017 19:52

In hindsight looking back now there were plenty of signs. He was spending much less time with us as a family using work as an excuse. He seemed very irritated and short tempered at times. He also had a cock of the walk about him. Subconsciously I must have known something was wrong as I was really stressed and felt I was doing everything in relation to the kids, running the home, bills etc. We were very much show and I think he knew I would never leave because of the kids unless something serious went down e.g. Affair. He completely panicked when he was caught and was really remorseful but only because he was caught. That was the only difference between the day before and the day he was caught. I told him to move out for awhile. He knew I was through, I still wonder if I reacted the right way

kissmewherethesundontshine · 26/02/2017 19:53

I was also in the same situation and decided to try & forgive. 3 years later we split as the trust had totally gone I spent an hour checking phone, social media I drove myself mad it's awful but sometimes it's best to split there and then Flowers

Montane50 · 26/02/2017 19:53

Nofuckingroom
Jesus! Talk about kicking someone when they're down! Op posted as she needs support and advice on a crap situation. Remember, if you can't think of something nice to say? Shut your mouth.

FritzDonovan · 26/02/2017 19:56

Nope, because it didn't stay innocent, and that was a purposeful decision he made. The intent was there, he enjoyed the attention. In my experience this will not be the only thing happening if you stay. As others say, he'll hide things better, it may be with someone completely different, under different circumstances. But there will be something else down the line.Flowers