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Original poster

found sex texts on phone

105 replies

suchamessysitu · 26/02/2017 18:14

New on here but hoping for suggestions of what to do. Found texts on husbands phone to girl he knows which were very explicit and very clear what they would do to each other. They know each other from work. Felt utterly sick reading them. He assures me nothing has happened and the texts were hypothethical (which i could also tell). I just wonder if anything would have happened if I hadn't found these. Can I ever trust him again? ?

OP posts:
SandyY2K · 26/02/2017 20:00

They are having an emotional affair. They want more than that.

Original poster
suchamessysitu · 26/02/2017 20:01

I think it just shows how well I dont know him and clearly I'm not enough for him.

OP posts:
Buzzardbird · 26/02/2017 20:03

Some people do this, you don't want to waste your life with them.

cauliwobbles · 26/02/2017 20:03

If we didn't have children it would be a deal breaker. Surely it's a deal breaker more so as you have children and he's willing to not only to cheat on you but them also.

MiddleClassProblem · 26/02/2017 20:04

Don't be afraid to take some space if you need it. You're bound to feel differently about him. Some couple get through this and eventually become stronger as they know what almost losing everything feels like, some get through it but are very much apart even though together and others can't be together.

There's no definite answer as there are a plethora of personalities in this world.

You don't have to decide to day, although you can if you feel you want to. Even in a year. But please do what's best for you and the kids rather than what you feel you should do iyswim x

Ledkr · 26/02/2017 20:07

i think it just shows how well I dont know him and clearly I'm not enough for him

Please don't blame yourself sweetheart.
When it happened here I used to think about all the beautiful amazing people I knew who had been cheated on.
This is totally about him, he'd have done this if you were the worlds most perfect woman.

AnyFucker · 26/02/2017 20:08

This is not a deficit in you

It's a deficit in him

MiddleClassProblem · 26/02/2017 20:11

They are having an emotional affair. They want more than that
This can be true in many of these situations but sometimes they really do either chicken out or realise that's not what they want and it was just about attention rather than physical stuff.

It still doesn't make it easy for you to decide if you want to be with someone who did that to you.

Original poster
suchamessysitu · 26/02/2017 20:15

Thanks for a mix of responses. I guess I'll never know if they would have backed off last minute..it could batter my head if I thought about, I'm desperately trying not to

OP posts:
PollytheDolly · 26/02/2017 20:16

I think it just shows how well I dont know him and clearly I'm too good for him

Edited for accuracy Wink

FlowerOfTheValley · 26/02/2017 20:17

He may regret hurting you but his prime concern is for himself and preserving the status quo because it suits him. He is horrified, primarily, at being caught and jeopardising his marriage.

I would say more affairs go undetected than those caught out. He is very unlucky to be caught first time.

He was laying the groundwork for an affair which would have got physical. They may have resisted for a while under the guise of trying to stay faithful but rarely are texts so explicit without actual intent.

OW would have course say nothing would have actually happened, she has also gone into self protection mode.

Ledkr · 26/02/2017 20:20

YES polly totally.

Ledkr · 26/02/2017 20:22

Take some time, let him sweat.

Has anyone got that thing about "indifference" that is often suggested on here? Because I think you should do that for s bit.
Make him think.

Original poster
suchamessysitu · 26/02/2017 20:23

He said he's never been attracted to her that way and that it's just gone way over the top from chatting. He also said they both agreed nothing would happen.

This is just what he said..not saying I believe him

OP posts:
Original poster
suchamessysitu · 26/02/2017 20:24

Yes definitely taking some time out from it all

OP posts:
SantasLittleMonkeyButler · 26/02/2017 20:26

Sorry - I just wrote a long reply & lost it. I'll try again on the laptop later.

Yes though, he fully expected to just be able to say sorry & that would be that. I made him leave the following morning (messages found late at night after drinking). I honestly think you need that space to get your head around the situation properly.

I don't think you can do that with him ever present.

FritzDonovan · 26/02/2017 20:31

If they both agreed nothing would happen, wouldn't that be in the texts too? I'm guessing it wasn't, because the texting wouldn't have been as exciting if they had both decided it was going nowhere.
You are, in a way, lucky that you have concrete evidence of something going on. You won't next time.

AnyFucker · 26/02/2017 20:34

Honestly, bottom line he needs to feel "consequences^

I think you crying and shouting won't cut it. He knew you would be upset if you saw the messages. Nobody is quite that stupid to not realise that.

The fact is, he thought he was entitled to carry on fooling you

You do not do that to someone you love.

Ledkr · 26/02/2017 20:35

I found that knowing someone else was into my husband rekindled my fire for him which was unfortunate timing.
After a bit though the anger set in and I was able to make clearer decisions.
Talk to a trusted friend and give it some time.

Original poster
suchamessysitu · 26/02/2017 20:36

I'm guessing he just forgot to delete it this time and there were loads of others. To be fair reading this one was bad enough so glad I didn't have to read others

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 26/02/2017 20:38

I meant to say...so far he has not felt the weight of consequences

Which makes it far more likely he will do it again

The Mrs just crying a bit and starting a text war with the bit on the side is all part of the thrill for some if these blokes

I would give him the cold light of day on his "harmless" dalliance. Throw him out and tell his family/friends why. Let him feel the weight of their judgement because he sees yours as substandard

MontePulciana · 26/02/2017 20:38

Look at his:
WhatsApp
Fb messages
Work email if you can
Private email
Hangouts

They are probably communicating still on one of these. You've just seen the tip of the iceberg I'm afraid. He will be busy hiding the rest of it now.

A good one to look is his archived fb messAges. Or deleted emails.

MontePulciana · 26/02/2017 20:40

I would also chuck him out OP. For however long it suits you. He doesn't sound like a great husband and father at all. Sounds more like a shitty boyfriend I had when I was 20 and so glad I let go of. I don't think he has much respect for you.

MiddleClassProblem · 26/02/2017 20:41

This is totally about him

Just to reiterate this. Sometimes it comes back with "I haven't been so affectionate with him recently" or "We've been more distant" etc but at the end of the day if you feel you have issues in your marriage you should talk to your partner no matter how hard it is rather than cheat or look for a pick me up elsewhere.

MrsPussinBoots · 26/02/2017 20:44

This happened to me too. I found out, went nuts. Took DD to my mums for a week with no contact. He promised it was all over so I went back. He showed me he had blocked her number but they still worked together.
1 week later I checked his phone again because I felt there was still something off. She had a new number and it had all started up again. He didn't think he was doing anything wrong because they weren't actually having sex.

We've been separated for 2 years now. Best thing I've ever done. Whatever you do, don't lie to yourself that you will easily forget.