What do you think turns somebody into a sadist?

[dreamreckless]

Are people just born that way? or do they become so because of something that happened to them?

Well, sort of, but I'm not concerned, he is always on his best behaviour at work.

Really? are you quite, quite sure of that?

because he's already started to act on his impulses, and following a woman down the street knowing he's scaring her is probably following on from playing with powerless juniors, probably when they are isolated and unable to say anything.

I've nothing much to add OP other than I'm glad you're discussing this and that it seems to be helpful to you to write it down. Is there anyone IRL you could speak to about it? Perhaps others have noticed this menace in him? Could you talk to him about it and how unsettled it makes you feel?

Well he is probably careful always to appear competent and professional at work but people like that often seek out channels for their cruel urges and if he's as clever as you say, he could be excellent at disguising it.

You must talk to someone OP. Your GP, Women's Aid. You've been incredibly brave talking about it here.

FWIW I wouldn't confront him about it. He'll want to know how you know and he will likely gaslight you so you doubt yourself and probably start thinking you're the loony one.

Ugh, it sounds like you should get out fast. He's bad news, to say the least.

Finding those messages on his old phone plus knowing he harassed a complete stranger would be enough for me to end the relationship I'm afraid. I'm assuming you don't have DCs? Please don't with this man. Run fast!

Sorry if I missed it OP but do you have DC?

You said he has already been violent to you. Would you now consider calling Womens Aid?

You can see from these messages that no matter what he may have said to you in the past, the impulse to control and frighten women comes from within him. It's not you who "sets him off" or "starts the argument" or "makes him angry" or any of the usual well-worn excuses. The desire to hurt comes from within him.

That woman he frightened (and I really feel for her just reading about his messages third hand) did nothing to "provoke" him. He just picked her as a victim because she was isolated and vulnerable.

What a chilling story. Tonyconrad rtft

Op- he is a horrible dangerous person. He's harmed you, enjoys violence and harassed an unknown woman. What would you think if she was your daughter, mother etc? I'm sure there's loads more about him too.
Please look at getting away from him. Make some careful plans and confide in someone you trust. No amount of pretending he's a good person can make up for such vile behaviour

He sounds like a lunatic who most women with a little bit of self esteem wouldn't touch with a barge pole.

Op do you want to be one of those thick women on the news wailing "but I LOVE him I do" as your deranged fucking animal of a loser husband is sentenced?

Trauma as a young child would be the most likely.

Most sexual sadists I've known experienced something traumatic over a long period of time and then become arouded by inflicting the same on others.

The reverse I would say for machinists - they are abused / traumatised and simultaneously given affection so the lines become blurred.

A non sexual sadist tends to have similar roots. They tend to have been witness to a lot of violence when younger.

I think it's unlikely to become a sadist if you aren't showing signs before puberty tbh.

But in your specific case OP I don't think it matters - you aren't his psychologist.

He does what he does because he likes it.

He won't change - so you have to.

I suggest you changed by running for the hills.

It will only get worse, not better and times of stress will increase his urges further.

If I remember correctly he works in a care home? Plenty of opportunities to humiliate and ridicule.

Of course he's 'good' at work as far as everyone else is aware, he's cunning. He wouldn't get away with it if he was stupid.

I honestly worry for you OPk.

Has he put his hand around your throat or talked about how easy it would be to kill you?

I'm thinking yes.

These are massive alarm bells.

This is one of the scariest threads I've read on here.

I hope OP is okay.

OP do you feel he strings out the torture until you're not prepared to take any more and then suddenly he's lovely? Is this a cycle? If it is, you will need to leave and go NC for at least 6 weeks before you are clear headed enough to see that he is a total bastard and you want nothing more to do with him, are disgusted/frightened by what he may be doing to other women, particularly vulnerable ones. Does this ring a bell?

He sounds like my father, who is a clinically diagnosed sociopath. Please get away from this man.

Much of the time he is attentive, kind, loving and fun That's because he is masquerading. It's part of the game that gets him off.

Often sociopaths know how to behave in the open. They "act" normal to blend in. Every aspect of him tgat you see, is probably what he lets you see.

I know this thread is very old, but I just felt like someone needed to clear things up.

I, personally, am a sadist. In fact, I'm on the darker side of the spectrum. But with my partner, I would never hurt them unless they want me to. People I dislike are fair game. To answer your question though, I don't think anything very specific happened to me, just the regular run-of-the-mill bullying. Some pretty emotionally fucking stuff happened in 8th grade, but by that time I was already starting to realize what I liked. I think that's when it got a jump start, but it was always there before. As for your husband, I don't know if y'all are still together, but if he's anything like me, he cares for you too much to actually hurt you.

@deeppdownn
I think you'd be better off on the Fetlife forums .

Is there a reason you chose to post on a forum full of vulnerable people?

I have teenage daughters. If I found out my husband had frightened a woman like that I would go to the police. And if you tolerate that, seeing those messages, without acting, you are enabling something horrific. What a bastard. Find your conscience please and report those text messages. Jeez

People I dislike are fair game. Sick

The positive qualities this person exudes are little more than a social mask I'm afraid op. What you're describing is a sociopath.

The text message about the young woman made my blood run cold tbh.

I would seriously start planning a calculated exit, quietly ASAP

Ugh.... just noticed the dates but I do hope you're safe @dreamreckless

Just reading this thread again. It's terrifying. I wonder what the police would/could do if she'd shown them the messages on the phone?