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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

What do you think turns somebody into a sadist?

102 replies

dreamreckless · 20/02/2017 17:51

Are people just born that way? or do they become so because of something that happened to them?

OP posts:
WTAF2016 · 21/02/2017 17:14

You need to get yourself some help and support. Is there anyone around you you can talk to?

Was there something in particular that prompted you to post? Is his behaviour escalating?

Original poster
dreamreckless · 21/02/2017 17:19

No ... it isn't, really, he's much as he's ever been not that that's much comfort.

It's so hard to explain. It's just, I feel responsible in a way. That if I'd stood up to him, he would have backed down. But honestly you probably won't believe me but he can be such a caring loving man too. It's so confusing.

OP posts:
WTAF2016 · 21/02/2017 17:39

dreamreckless I most certainly do believe you. I have been there. People are never all bad - otherwise there wouldn't be so many women and men trapped in abusive relationships.

And you are not responsible. At all. He'll have made you think that you are.

Have you ever tried to leave? Thought about it?

Original poster
dreamreckless · 21/02/2017 17:46

Thank you :) I'm writing some stuff down and I think i am starting to make sense of all this. I know a lot of people don't think it matters why people are how they are but it matters to me. He's not ever exactly made me feel I'm responsible but I feel like through being passive I've given him a green light to behave in the way he has if that makes any sense.

OP posts:
No1maso · 21/02/2017 18:51

Hi, may I PM You? I'm a masochist but for obvious reason don't want to go into details on the thread.

AnyFucker · 21/02/2017 18:56

Christ, that's all op needs

Doublemint · 21/02/2017 19:06

Ffs.
And OP what I meant was that aside from the intimidation/control/inflicting distress on yourself and random strangers can't believe that's an 'aside from' sentence does he behave this was sexually? I.evis her a sadist or a sexual sadist?
You need to leave him, he's going to hurt you.

Doublemint · 21/02/2017 19:07

So many typos! Damn cracked iPhone screen!

BertieBotts · 21/02/2017 19:10

IMO, it's not helpful to think, well, he can be this and he can be that so which is the "real him"? They are both the real him. People are not black and white, we all have many different characteristics which meld together to make up who we are. And while we all have good traits and not so good traits and hopefully it all balances out, cruelty is a tricky one to balance.

It's difficult without knowing exactly what is involved and I appreciate you not wanting to give details. But being passive doesn't really excuse something questionable that he's done. If somebody came into your house and took something of yours right in front of you and walked out with it, they wouldn't be able to use the defence that it wasn't stealing because you didn't stop them so they thought you didn't mind. Especially if you didn't stop them because you were too shocked/surprised or frightened or intimidated.

When a person has a non mainstream sexual desire or even a non sexual preference for something which has the potential to cause harm they don't (hopefully!) just do it to others and wait for them to say stop. The respectful thing to do is to let the other person know of your intention and check that they're either into it or even just okay with it before you do anything.

No1maso · 21/02/2017 19:15

AF- well isn't that the best example of pre judging someone! Hmm FWIW I agree with you about OP's DH.

AnyFucker · 21/02/2017 19:25

I certainly judge anyone that turns up on a confused and distressed woman's thread and starts inviting private chats, for sure

PoorYorick · 21/02/2017 19:30

No1maso, AF is right. OP's situation is nothing to do with BDSM, she has stated that she is not a sub.

Anything you have to offer on the matter will be irrelevant at best, and potentially dangerously confusing at worst.

This isn't about BDSM, this is not the time for that discussion.

No1maso · 21/02/2017 19:39

I know. That was the point I was going to make actually as she seems confused about the differences and where her DH fitted in and what the difference was.

But fine, jump on me without having a clue.

PoorYorick · 21/02/2017 19:49

Well that's something you can state publicly on the thread, like I did.

ihatethecold · 21/02/2017 20:04

You didn't give any one a clue. That's why they jumped on you!

Gallavich · 21/02/2017 20:05

Why not post it on the thread openly then?

AnyFucker · 21/02/2017 20:42

You gave us a very blatant "clue"

That you are a dodgy person looking to start private chats with vulnerable women

Dress it up as "support" if you wish but if you really wanted to do that you would post it openly on the thread. Secrecy is not what the op needs right now. Nor does she need fuck knows who using search terms to sniff out fuck knows what

Take that as "judgement" if you wish as long as you leave her the fuck alone

PoorYorick · 21/02/2017 21:27

The clue I got, from your silly username and your desire to go into so much detail about your masochism that it needs to be private, is that you want to tell someone in depth about your experiences. This is pretty common for subs, they don't half bang on about it.

There's a time and place for it. A vulnerable woman with a sinister husband who isn't in a BDSM relationship and knows she doesn't want to be, is not it.

AnyFucker · 21/02/2017 21:29

Yup. There are special websites for banging on about your "preferences"

You will get a much better reception on one of those

SeaEagleFeather · 21/02/2017 21:51

Your husband has a much, much too well developed taste for being the cat whose claw is held over the mouse ... And he's putting into practical practice.

If you live your life unsettled most of the time by him, you are becoming part of his prey. It's fun for him at the moment. Later it will probably become habit and a need.

Why will it go that way? Because he is not reigning his cruel impulses in

Some people feel those impulses. Kindly ones try to reign them in. Ruthless ones ... do not. Your husband does not.

Suggest you take steps to protect yourself.

Original poster
dreamreckless · 21/02/2017 22:06

Thank you, everyone, especially AF for sending that idiot packing, I definitely have no interest in discussing "being a sub" with someone Hmm

DH has a cruel streak. I've been trying to understand it, trying to process how someone so kind and loving and giving can also be as someone has said like a cat with its claw over the mouse. He is very clever and calculating and always ALWAYS right.

Doublemint sometimes its sexual but I didn't want the thread to go down that route of people assuming we have some sort of weird fetish thing when nothing could be further from the truth. I mean there are things that I suppose could technically be considered part of BDSM but fall into the category of "normal" sex - things like a bit of hair pulling and spanking - but nothing more kinky than that.

So what is it that worries me - well, I'll be honest, because I feel like I won't be judged though he might be there are things like that story I shared earlier. I broke my phone, I'm using an old one of his, he told me to wipe it, I didn't. And I've seen this side to him that I would say I didn't know existed but it's a lie, as I've sort of always known its there but thought it was just not really there. But it is. Horrendous messages, objectifying girls, messages laughing at violence, it's not pretty.

i honestly think he's sadistic and possible narcissistic too. But that one gets overused, everyone is a narcissist now it seems. But I think he really might be.

OP posts:
PoorYorick · 21/02/2017 22:16

He is more likely to be a sociopath than a narcissist (true narcissistic personality disorder is actually quite rare, despite all the keyboard diagnoses by upset relatives, but sociopaths are a bit more common)....maybe read The Sociopath Next Door? But labels don't really matter. The point is, you've discovered who he is and you're rightly frightened. This kind of menacing nature isn't safe or normal.

Can you talk to someone? Your GP, Women's Aid?

Original poster
dreamreckless · 21/02/2017 22:19

I am wary about saying too much as he's got a very responsible and very well respected job. Not that this means anything. But i even feel a little odd putting it out on here.

OP posts:
SeaEagleFeather · 21/02/2017 22:36

well yes. you've discovered that the side you sensed and suspected is a whole lot stronger and crueller than you ever thought.

You're also not in a position of strength, because you weren't aware of this, don't like his nature and can't reign him in.

Be careful.

cauliflowercheese14 · 21/02/2017 22:38

Does he work with vulnerable groups at all?

I think it's brave of you to confront this about him. He sounds very frightening.