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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Please help me, it's complicated?!

123 replies

Natasha16 · 18/02/2017 10:53

Hi,
I'm going to start from the beginning. I am recently divorced and have a child from my marriage. A few months ago, in October, I started a relationship with somebody who lives in my building of flats. He was very nice to me and my daughter. He took me to places and dinner often. He came round at least three times a week and had a bond with me and my daughter. Overall everything is going fine and we really cared for each other.

I was honest with him about my relationship from my first marriage, however there was one dark secret which I never told him. The dark secret was that there was a court case involving me and my ex-husband. The media portrayed me in bad light as I changed my statement multiple times. I just couldn't remember. The media came involved during the middle of the trial and set in the newspapers that I was and guilty and made me look like a liar. I was acquitted and found not guilty. My boyfriend found out this information from the newspapers online as it's very old. He kept it from me for two days but I could tell something was wrong. I wish I told him. He sent me a text on Saturday just gone saying he wanted to break up and he wanted nothing to do with me and he wished me all the best he said please don't contact me again. I tried calling him onceto know avail. I then messaged him saying I need to talk to him and explained he didn't respond. I send send him a short text saying if he wanted some answers as I'd be happy to explain what actually happened as there is two sides to every story. I wish him all the best and said I wouldn't contact him again.

I really miss this guy I've been in no contact with him since Saturday from sending that last message. I've joined the gym but still can't stop talking about him to my friends. My mum has offered to clear the air by sending him a simple text saying that I got acquitted and outlining that the relationship from my first marriage was very unhealthy. Then that's not me contacting him and at least he knows the truth as right now he thinks I'm a bad person. I'm upset that he didn't give me the benefit of the doubt to explain really don't know what to do?

Shall I let my mum message him this Saturday today. I'm quite keen to do this as it's my mum's message and not me I've not even read the full message. It's a very short text and she mentions at the end if he wishes to contact her and she would appreciate a response.

I do want him to know the truth about me. What do I do I want to stick with new contact?… I feel upset they broke up with me and more angry by text I don't even know what I want. I miss him please help me?

OP posts:

MrsDesireeCarthorse · 18/02/2017 19:59

Oh, for goodness' sake. How old are you? Getting your mum involved, people are "scared", and all the ridiculously over-dramatic rest.

You ignored everyone's advice first time around. I strongly suspect you're only asking again because you like drama, so I don't doubt you'll meet him regardless of what anyone here says because otherwise the drama would die.

Your mum's text was so embarrassing, by the way.

BonnyScotland · 18/02/2017 20:09

Natasha.... go meet him and explain everything and be honest.... and let him decide one he has all the facts x

robinia · 18/02/2017 20:10

I'm astonished at the number of posters who claimed it would be harrassment if you contacted him after just one request not to contact him.
I personally would have sent him the information your mum did myself. But other than that you did the right thing and you have got the response you wanted.

He's had a big shock and needs time to get his head round it, whatever it is. Maybe a kneejerk response on his part but that's what shock does.

And yes, I would meet up and talk. Sooner rather than later. What's the point in delaying?

And hope and pray that he can forgive you if forgiveness is needed.

Amaried · 18/02/2017 20:18

I think aside from all the other stuff,
The fact that he was so quick to walk away without even trying to discuss it with you would lead me to think he wasn't as in to you as you were to him. I'd and forget him now and move
on

BonnyScotland · 18/02/2017 20:54

we don't know what adverse articles he's read online... give the guy a chance Natalie... x

Gwenhwyfar · 18/02/2017 21:36

"'m astonished at the number of posters who claimed it would be harrassment if you contacted him after just one request not to contact him"

Typical relationships board I'm afraid. More than one message to someone is harassment, going to someone's home uninvited is stalking, a cross word is verbal abuse, not giving someone lot of money is financial abuse, etc.
There are people looking to find serious crime in everyday situations.

SuperFlyHigh · 18/02/2017 22:10

Sorry to say but if you meet him and probably get back together with him I fear he will think he has the upper hand as you're "damaged goods" to him no matter if you were acquitted or not. In his eyes I just see a future of manipulation.

Then there's the dumping by text, getting your mum involved etc - he knows you're vulnerable and will come running despite his behaviour.

But I think despite anyone's advice here you'll get back with him and be treated like shit. As in how your last marriage was.

SuperFlyHigh · 18/02/2017 22:13

Gwen but it is harassment if you look at it in legal terms. Sorry if you don't like that fact but it's true.

Bonny if the OP was involved in a court case with her ex-H and acquitted then a search of Google with her name attached would reveal newspaper articles relating to the court case, most biased against OP. I'd also wonder why he googled her name in the first place was it just out of curiosity or did he suspect otherwise, gossip etc?

Trustyourself2 · 18/02/2017 22:19

I don't think your one text and one phone call is harrassment, he owes you a verbal explanation. You shouldn't've let your mum get involved, but, she did it for you and It's worked in so far as, he wants to meet and talk.

Gwenhwyfar · 18/02/2017 22:23

"Gwen but it is harassment if you look at it in legal terms. Sorry if you don't like that fact but it's true."

Quote me the particular law then. I doubt a specific number of text messages is mentioned.

Original poster

Natasha16 · 19/02/2017 00:52

Oh gosh some of you are thinking I'm terrible. I'm only human! We make mistakes. My daughter is my first priority so I'm trying to think what would be in her best interest. I don't know what to do.

OP posts:

ivechangedmyname123 · 19/02/2017 01:33

What is harassment?
Harassment is when someone behaves in a way which makes you feel distressed, humiliated or threatened. It could be someone you know, like a neighbour or people from you local area or it could be a stranger - for example, someone on the bus.
Examples of harassment include:
• unwanted phone calls, letters, emails or visits
Protection from Harassment Act 1997

ivechangedmyname123 · 19/02/2017 01:37

It doesn't matter how many times, it's how it makes a person feel.

ivechangedmyname123 · 19/02/2017 01:38

The Act also says you must have experienced at least two incidents by the same person or group of people for it to be harassment.
It's the courts that decide if something is harassment under the Act. The courts will look at whether most people or a reasonable person would think the behaviour amounts to harassment.

Suninseptember · 19/02/2017 05:58

I'vechangedmyname is right. Obviously it's a bit more complicated than that (like whether the person being contacted would want to go down the legal route) but yes, not all of us think with our hearts and decide when something is breaking the law.

The text was incident one. The phone call later on was two.
Mum's text message was now, under the law, harassment.
Facts are facts.

TheLegendOfBeans · 19/02/2017 06:29

I love threads like this

Poster has dilemma
Poster gets decent advice
Poster ignores all advice and goes and does what she wants anyway
Chorus of "WTF" from all other posters
Poster gets all defensive and flouncy

Lovely stuff.

GinIsIn · 19/02/2017 06:56

So after breaking up with you and saying ever to contact him again, ignoring your texts and call, one bizzare and cringy message from your mother and he magically wants to see you within 2 hours? How convenient.....

Pinotwoman82 · 19/02/2017 07:20

Just read all of this, I was going to suggest writing him a letter to explain and put your side across.
I would definitely now meet up for a coffee or something and explain to him fully what happened. Hope it goes ok because of course we all know that the press tell the truth

lollypophairball · 19/02/2017 07:41

What kind of court case?

TheoriginalLEM · 19/02/2017 08:21

Op - what do you want from this meeting?

I filly understand the need for closure but i suspect that he feels that a meeting will draw a line under things. Are you prepared for rejection again?

Trust is a major if not the most important aspect of a relationship and once it has gone, it is nigh on impossible to get back.

However i can also understand why you did not disclose so early in the relationship. In the first instance why should you wear this thing like a badge of shame as its none of his business at first. When things started to look serious you should have told him but as someone said up thread when IS the right time.

I think people have been incredibly harsh OP and sadly typical of the relationship board. People give advice and if the op doesn't comply they get berated for wasting pp's time. Yes the advice was probably correct but life isn't black and white. This is after all someone's real life and might i suggest that piling on to repeat "advice" for the nth time is pretty much a waste if time anyway?? I assume you aren't busy if you are mnetting anyway!

OP meet him if you must but don't get your hopes up for a reconciliation and consider that he may not be so great if he wasn't willing to hear your side of things over what some arsehole journalist wrote.

This may be a good indicator in how to proceed in future relationships. Do take the advice upthread of asking Google to remove any reference to this however it is unlikely to completely disappear.

notanurse2017 · 19/02/2017 09:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SleepingTiger · 19/02/2017 09:41

What is harassment?
Harassment is when someone behaves in a way which makes you feel distressed, humiliated or threatened. It could be someone you know, like a neighbour or people from you local area or it could be a stranger - for example, someone on the bus.
Examples of harassment include:
unwanted phone calls, letters, emails or visits
Protection from Harassment Act 1997

The Act also says you must have experienced at least two incidents by the same person or group of people for it to be harassment.
It's the courts that decide if something is harassment under the Act. The courts will look at whether most people or a reasonable person would think the behaviour amounts to harassment.

Oh dear, that's the majority of Mumsnet posters then....... ha ha!

Gwenhwyfar · 19/02/2017 09:54

"Facts are facts."

Well, no because, as others have pointed out, "The courts will look at whether most people or a reasonable person would think the behaviour amounts to harassment." and mumsnetters on the Relationships board are much quicker to shout harassment than the average person.

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