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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Please help me, it's complicated?!

123 replies

Natasha16 · 18/02/2017 10:53

Hi,
I'm going to start from the beginning. I am recently divorced and have a child from my marriage. A few months ago, in October, I started a relationship with somebody who lives in my building of flats. He was very nice to me and my daughter. He took me to places and dinner often. He came round at least three times a week and had a bond with me and my daughter. Overall everything is going fine and we really cared for each other.

I was honest with him about my relationship from my first marriage, however there was one dark secret which I never told him. The dark secret was that there was a court case involving me and my ex-husband. The media portrayed me in bad light as I changed my statement multiple times. I just couldn't remember. The media came involved during the middle of the trial and set in the newspapers that I was and guilty and made me look like a liar. I was acquitted and found not guilty. My boyfriend found out this information from the newspapers online as it's very old. He kept it from me for two days but I could tell something was wrong. I wish I told him. He sent me a text on Saturday just gone saying he wanted to break up and he wanted nothing to do with me and he wished me all the best he said please don't contact me again. I tried calling him onceto know avail. I then messaged him saying I need to talk to him and explained he didn't respond. I send send him a short text saying if he wanted some answers as I'd be happy to explain what actually happened as there is two sides to every story. I wish him all the best and said I wouldn't contact him again.

I really miss this guy I've been in no contact with him since Saturday from sending that last message. I've joined the gym but still can't stop talking about him to my friends. My mum has offered to clear the air by sending him a simple text saying that I got acquitted and outlining that the relationship from my first marriage was very unhealthy. Then that's not me contacting him and at least he knows the truth as right now he thinks I'm a bad person. I'm upset that he didn't give me the benefit of the doubt to explain really don't know what to do?

Shall I let my mum message him this Saturday today. I'm quite keen to do this as it's my mum's message and not me I've not even read the full message. It's a very short text and she mentions at the end if he wishes to contact her and she would appreciate a response.

I do want him to know the truth about me. What do I do I want to stick with new contact?… I feel upset they broke up with me and more angry by text I don't even know what I want. I miss him please help me?

OP posts:

MadMags · 18/02/2017 13:26

You have no right to contact him again. He said it's over as he's entitled to do.

If you knock on his door or get your mum to text him then you're harassing him and he could call the police.

Further, you chose to be secretive which is fine but then the consequence is that he feels you're dishonest and doesn't want to be with you. Also fine.

Lastly, you were too invested in a short time and you brought your dad into it, too.
In future wait a while.

Alisvolatpropiis · 18/02/2017 14:59

Look I totally get thet it can be frustrating when someone suddenly cuts all contact and doesn't let you explain. I do. I also understand the urge to contact them. But seriously, don't do it. It will not make you happier or make the person want to be with you any more than before.

Take a deep breath, write it off and move on. This man isn't the only man who is going to show interest in you, just let it go.

Original poster

Natasha16 · 18/02/2017 16:14

So my mum sent the message and I think I want to leave it now and move on. A lot of you have mistenetrpreted a lot and Mayberry that is my fault. Thank you for all of your opinions. The charge was pevertinf the course of justice so wasting police time and it was found not guilty. No the newspapers said I was guilty and a lot of information has been lies. My mum sent him a short text saying I'm not looking for you to reconcile with my daughter but I feel you should know the truth.

For those who have said I have harassed him. I sent him one message when he broke up with me last Saturday and tried calling once that day! It's not exactly harassment. My mum has done the right thing she didn't bombard his phone just one text explaining briefly I was acquitted and not eventttrhing is true. She said if he wishes to contact her he can and she'd appreciate a response.

I don't know what the future holds but I'm strong enough to accept it either way.

Sorry if I have anyone the wrong impression of me. I'm not a stalker and wouldn't go to his door I just feel like that.

OP posts:

Oldraver · 18/02/2017 16:21

For those who have said I have harassed him. I sent him one message when he broke up with me last Saturday and tried calling once that day! It's not exactly harassment .

YES IT IS ....then you still got your Mum to text him, so that's three instances of contacting him after you were told not too.

GinIsIn · 18/02/2017 16:21

So after 100% of people saying don't do it, you did it anyway? Well why the hell waste everyone's time by asking then?!

Original poster

Natasha16 · 18/02/2017 16:25

To be honest yes I asked on here and that's fine.

I think I now need to move on and when I see him again I will either ignore or just say hi

OP posts:

MatildaTheCat · 18/02/2017 16:35

Ok, now you have got your side across via you mum and can move on. I can see your need to get your side of the story over but her does have the right to discontinue the relationship based on what he does know.

I agree the media can be shocking for misrepresentation but that's life. Maybe have a think about how you will deal with this aspect of your past before entering into another relationship? I'm guessing you made allegations against your ex and then found yourself being prosecuted for making those 'false' allegations? If so it must be extremely painful but you have to get on with life. Other men could find this off putting so deal with how to explain it early in the future.

DioneTheDiabolist · 18/02/2017 16:36

She'd appreciate a response.
WTAF OP? She told him what you both wanted him to know. Why does she need a response?

Sugarpiehoneyeye · 18/02/2017 16:55

OP, you really don't want or need, to be with a man, who isn't even prepared to hear you out, or give you the benefit of the doubt.
You had a nice time with him, but, you may have even nicer times with someone else.
Stay strong, and heed the good advice given to you.

SparklyMagpie · 18/02/2017 17:22

Why the hell did you get your mum to message him?

Think the majority of us have completely wasted our time giving advice on here.

I hope you do move on OP, he knows now so just leave it. I'll be surprised if he takes any notice or your mum's message. But what's done is done now

chickenowner · 18/02/2017 17:43

If my exes Mum texted me and said that she would appreciate a response I would be absolutely furious! The cheek of her!

chickenowner · 18/02/2017 17:43

...and I would definitely not respond!

marriedtwice · 18/02/2017 17:54

Have to wonder why people are being so vicious to the OP. Hope you have a happy future Natasha16

MakeItRain · 18/02/2017 18:24

I can completely understand why you wanted him to know the truth. It must be unbelievably frustrating to have lies printed about you that are easily available online. Knowing he'd have probably not read a message from you I can also see why you got your mum to send it although in an ideal world you'd not have wanted her involved.
I hope you can move on. Maybe talk about it sooner in future relationships to avoid anything like it happening again.

SuperFlyHigh · 18/02/2017 18:40

Whether OP was guilty or not and she says she was acquitted a lot of people would run a mile at previous criminal inquiries and media enquiries.

For this reason it's good in this sort of case as a few of us said to have a story straight to mention to new people as if they do pry/Google they will know you have been honest first.

I personally don't agree with your mum OP having texted this man, he won't be happy, personally I think he'll ignore it but it could be construed as harassment.

What will you do if you see him again in passing OP?

Karmaisabitch · 18/02/2017 18:55

Funny how if someone put a post on here saying "bf text me to tell me he's breaking up with me", everyone would be calling him an absolute wanker. However, everyone is treating OP like she's been charged with murder and this guy has every right to act a wanker

DioneTheDiabolist · 18/02/2017 19:08

If the OP had posted that she dumped a man by text after discovering his "dark secret" on the net, and he wanted a chance to talk face to face, she would be told to ignore his requests.

They went out for 5 months, either can dump the other for any reason by text. They owe eachother nothing. As for the mum telling him she would appreciate a response to her text? If I got that text I would respond by blocking her number.

MadMags · 18/02/2017 19:29

Jesus! Your mum would appreciate a response??

Family trait,eh??

Original poster

Natasha16 · 18/02/2017 19:41

HE wants to meet me. What the hell do I do? He called my mum and explained that he didn't know and was scared. He asked my mum if I wanted to meet him and talk.

I don't know if it's the right thing to do. Maybe I should leave it or maybe clear the air. I don't know what the right thing to do is. My heart wants to meet him and hug him so bad but my head is saying that maybe I should give it a week of space or time.

Sorry more advice.

Thank you to everyone who has acknowledged and responded with advice. I appreciate all kinds of responses as it puts me in. Better position to see things from different perspectives which will only help me.

I don't think I want to jump back into a relationship by the way just because I don't know if he wants the same and maybe we both need time and I don't really know oh I'm just so happy that he wants to meet

OP posts:

HeavenlyEyes · 18/02/2017 19:46

why would you want a relationship with someone who treats you like this? Where is your self esteem and boundaries. Inviting this man into your child's life so early on is a red flag in itself.

MatildaTheCat · 18/02/2017 19:46

Well if you do ( and it's obvious you will) can I suggest a neutral coffee shop and a short time limit? Listen to him and why he reacted the way he did which wasn't very kind at all. He didn't give you a chance to explain yourself before, so why now?

Prepare that he might just want you and your mum off his back and since you live in the same building he's simply trying to get rid of you.

Not at all sure whether I would be willing to give him a second chance if he wanted to but pretty sure you will.

Papercaper · 18/02/2017 19:47

Definitely don't get your mum to text him, other posters are correct that this would constitute harassment, and you really wouldn't be doing yourself any favours in terms of coming across well to him.
Whatever the circumstances of the court case and the fact that you were acquitted, it sounds like what he read disturbed him sufficiently to decide to completely cut you off which makes me think that there is a valid reason for that.

Having said that, maybe you could leave it another couple of weeks and write a short, calm note explaining the circumstances as you see them and saying that you understand why he reacted the way he did and you won't contact him again, but you just wanted to give him the full story, in case it makes any difference.

Unfortunately, I think the chances of that working are probably quite slim simply because he has cut you off so completely. It's hard, but he has the right to do that and he doesn't have to 'hear you out', give you another chance or anything else.

Seriously though, getting your mum to text really would be the final nail in the coffin. He will think he's dodged a bullet and that you are bonkers. Sorry if that sounds harsh, but you'll feel better if you keep your dignity and it's also likely to lead to a better outcome.

Papercaper · 18/02/2017 19:51

Oh. Just read the last few posts. Not a great move OP.

Poorlybabysickday · 18/02/2017 19:52

I would meet him, if not just to give your side of the story!

IonaNE · 18/02/2017 19:53

OP, if I may say so, if you are recently divorced, but already "with" this man since October... maybe it'd be best to be alone for a bit?

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