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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Please help me, it's complicated?!

123 replies

Natasha16 · 18/02/2017 10:53

Hi,
I'm going to start from the beginning. I am recently divorced and have a child from my marriage. A few months ago, in October, I started a relationship with somebody who lives in my building of flats. He was very nice to me and my daughter. He took me to places and dinner often. He came round at least three times a week and had a bond with me and my daughter. Overall everything is going fine and we really cared for each other.

I was honest with him about my relationship from my first marriage, however there was one dark secret which I never told him. The dark secret was that there was a court case involving me and my ex-husband. The media portrayed me in bad light as I changed my statement multiple times. I just couldn't remember. The media came involved during the middle of the trial and set in the newspapers that I was and guilty and made me look like a liar. I was acquitted and found not guilty. My boyfriend found out this information from the newspapers online as it's very old. He kept it from me for two days but I could tell something was wrong. I wish I told him. He sent me a text on Saturday just gone saying he wanted to break up and he wanted nothing to do with me and he wished me all the best he said please don't contact me again. I tried calling him onceto know avail. I then messaged him saying I need to talk to him and explained he didn't respond. I send send him a short text saying if he wanted some answers as I'd be happy to explain what actually happened as there is two sides to every story. I wish him all the best and said I wouldn't contact him again.

I really miss this guy I've been in no contact with him since Saturday from sending that last message. I've joined the gym but still can't stop talking about him to my friends. My mum has offered to clear the air by sending him a simple text saying that I got acquitted and outlining that the relationship from my first marriage was very unhealthy. Then that's not me contacting him and at least he knows the truth as right now he thinks I'm a bad person. I'm upset that he didn't give me the benefit of the doubt to explain really don't know what to do?

Shall I let my mum message him this Saturday today. I'm quite keen to do this as it's my mum's message and not me I've not even read the full message. It's a very short text and she mentions at the end if he wishes to contact her and she would appreciate a response.

I do want him to know the truth about me. What do I do I want to stick with new contact?… I feel upset they broke up with me and more angry by text I don't even know what I want. I miss him please help me?

OP posts:

KatieScarlett · 18/02/2017 11:21

No I will not.
Forcing contact on someone who does not want to see or speak to you is harassing them. Don't do it.
Look at this another way. Say you have ended a relationship. You do not want to breathe the same air as them ever again. You tell them it's over and not to contact you.
Then you get a letter from their mum. Then they turn up on your doorstep demanding you hear them out.
How likely is it that you would think "this person is batshit crazy" rather than "I must immediately get back together with them?"
If he cared enough about you, he would have talked to you about your situation. He did not choose to do this.
However if you leave him alone and rise above it, he may calm down and talk to you. Maybe not but demanding an audience/sending a letter from your mum (FFS) will put you firmly in the batshit.

GinIsIn · 18/02/2017 11:22

cricrichan except it isn't - it was a matter of public record, hence him finding out. The right thing to do, knowing that there was shocking and potentially upsetting information in the public domain would have been to discuss it with him honestly.

Alisvolatpropiis · 18/02/2017 11:23

crichan

I think when it comes to matters of public record, actually your past does get a little bit less private.

Original poster

Natasha16 · 18/02/2017 11:25

So do I tell him I got acquitted?

I don't know what to do but I can't just leave it...

OP posts:

hyacinthwannabe · 18/02/2017 11:25

I really think you should leave it. I think you should move on. Even if he does hear ur side of the story it will be hard to get over your betrayal. Not only that but whatever it was you were involved in is obviously an issue for him too. He has made a judgment and that's that.

Alisvolatpropiis · 18/02/2017 11:25

Acquitted of what, exactly though? Because "never speak to me again" is quite a significant line in the sand.

Original poster

Natasha16 · 18/02/2017 11:26

Got acquitted of all of it

OP posts:

Holly3434 · 18/02/2017 11:27

What was the crime? Doesn't sound like a speeding ticket that's for sure. Strange he tapped your name into Google as he went looking for something, I assume it was Google anyway.

Original poster

Natasha16 · 18/02/2017 11:28

I got acquitted but he doesn't know

OP posts:

CaptainMarvelDanvers · 18/02/2017 11:28

You've sent a text to say the door is open if he wants to hear your side of the story and that you wish hi the best and won't contact him again. Leave it at that.

If he's had time to calm down and wants to know your side then he knows where to find you.

Don't do it OP.

myoriginal3 · 18/02/2017 11:29

He doesn't want to be with you.

TondelayaDellaVentamiglia · 18/02/2017 11:29

If he founds details online then he will already know you were acquitted. He doesn't want to continue in this relationship and seems to have made that quite clear.

Alisvolatpropiis · 18/02/2017 11:29

Yes, I understand what acquitted means op. But for him to go from being in a relationship with you to 'never speak to me again' with no 'I'm upset you didn't tell me, I need a bit of space/can you explain' in between is quite extreme.

I presume it is the nature of the criminal investigations which has caused that?

KatieScarlett · 18/02/2017 11:31

What do you mean, you just can't leave it?
Of course you can, you just don't want to. Why do you think that overrides him wanting you to leave him alone?

GinIsIn · 18/02/2017 11:31

If it's a crime severe enough to be in the papers, it's a fairly safe bet he knows or assumes you were acquitted otherwise you'd be in prison, surely? If I were in his position I would have broken up with you not because you had been accused, but because you lied to me, in which case the verdict really doesn't change things.

ElspethFlashman · 18/02/2017 11:35

I'm imagining that the dispute between your ex husband and yourself didn't cover yourself in glory, despite being acquitted.

In which case it wouldn't matter a fig to him if you were acquitted as it's behaviour he doesn't want to be at risk of incurring.

Minniemagoo · 18/02/2017 11:36

It is unlikely he doesn't already know you were aquited.
Either the nature of the accusations were such that he wouldn't eant anything to do with someone who was in that situation even if aquitted
Or he is upset you lied by ommission

Which ever it is improbable/unlikely a letter from your mother will change that

As someone above said you will just come accross as bat shit crazy.

Move on.

piefacerecords · 18/02/2017 11:37

You do sound slightly hysterical and obsessed with this man - sorry.

You've only known him five months. It shouldn't be the end of the world if sonebody you've only known a short while wants to stop seeing you - as is anybody's right, with or without any reason.

You need to leave your mum out of this - unless you are 12 you deal with your own affairs. And leave your DD out of it too - and maybe next time don't be so quick to let a man you've only just met forge a 'bond' with your child.

bear28 · 18/02/2017 11:39

Why have you bothered asking for anyone's opinion if you have decided you are going to contact him anyways? Everyone is on the same page here and is giving you sound advice.

notapizzaeater · 18/02/2017 11:40

Why are you desperate for this one bloke ?

Move on - people split up for silly reasons

KatieScarlett · 18/02/2017 11:45

Because she is desperate and believes that telling him she was acquitted exonerates her and he will love her again "if he only understands the truth".
The fact he is not interested in her enough to hear her side is an unpleasant truth she wants to ignore. Remember she has already tried to get him to engage several times.
It is desperate and unfair and sad, OP. But you have to accept it.

chickenowner · 18/02/2017 11:46

I know it's difficult but I agree with the PP's - you need to leave him alone. Don't text him, knock on his door, or get someone else to text him for you.

If you try to contact him I suspect he will ignore you, which will make you feel worse.

Put it down to experience and move on with your life. You will meet someone else!

youarenotkiddingme · 18/02/2017 11:46

Is leave it.

What ever happened in the past you have to be honest that it's unlikely a really old media report just happened to appear on his computer screen. He was looking you up.

And do you really want to be with a man who doesn't respect and trust you enough to ask you questions before making his mind up over a situation?

This could be the break you need so you don't get into another unhealthy relationship.

feebeecat · 18/02/2017 11:46

You sound a bit like a friend of mine:-
Friend : X said he doesn't want to hear from me ever again, what should I do?
Me: leave him alone?
Friend: but I need to tell him x,y,z, I have to contact him.
Me: he said he's not Interested, leave him alone.
Friend: I've messaged, texted, face booked him, and he hasn't answered, what shall I do??
Me: please see first answer

ExConstance · 18/02/2017 11:46

Op - not directly related to your current problem but you ca ask google to take down the references to you, there is a "right to be forgotten" which is often used to remove references to spent convictions, so with an acquittal you would be well placed to do this. There is a charity called unlocked which has details on its web site. the old expression was "yesterday's newspaper ,today's chip paper" but with Google anything salacious can hang around for years.

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