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Original poster

Please help me, it's complicated?!

123 replies

Natasha16 · 18/02/2017 10:53

Hi,
I'm going to start from the beginning. I am recently divorced and have a child from my marriage. A few months ago, in October, I started a relationship with somebody who lives in my building of flats. He was very nice to me and my daughter. He took me to places and dinner often. He came round at least three times a week and had a bond with me and my daughter. Overall everything is going fine and we really cared for each other.

I was honest with him about my relationship from my first marriage, however there was one dark secret which I never told him. The dark secret was that there was a court case involving me and my ex-husband. The media portrayed me in bad light as I changed my statement multiple times. I just couldn't remember. The media came involved during the middle of the trial and set in the newspapers that I was and guilty and made me look like a liar. I was acquitted and found not guilty. My boyfriend found out this information from the newspapers online as it's very old. He kept it from me for two days but I could tell something was wrong. I wish I told him. He sent me a text on Saturday just gone saying he wanted to break up and he wanted nothing to do with me and he wished me all the best he said please don't contact me again. I tried calling him onceto know avail. I then messaged him saying I need to talk to him and explained he didn't respond. I send send him a short text saying if he wanted some answers as I'd be happy to explain what actually happened as there is two sides to every story. I wish him all the best and said I wouldn't contact him again.

I really miss this guy I've been in no contact with him since Saturday from sending that last message. I've joined the gym but still can't stop talking about him to my friends. My mum has offered to clear the air by sending him a simple text saying that I got acquitted and outlining that the relationship from my first marriage was very unhealthy. Then that's not me contacting him and at least he knows the truth as right now he thinks I'm a bad person. I'm upset that he didn't give me the benefit of the doubt to explain really don't know what to do?

Shall I let my mum message him this Saturday today. I'm quite keen to do this as it's my mum's message and not me I've not even read the full message. It's a very short text and she mentions at the end if he wishes to contact her and she would appreciate a response.

I do want him to know the truth about me. What do I do I want to stick with new contact?… I feel upset they broke up with me and more angry by text I don't even know what I want. I miss him please help me?

OP posts:
Olympiathequeen · 18/02/2017 11:48

By contacting him and effectively stalking him with unwanted contacts you are actually confirming to him the bad picture painted of you in the newspapers.

You should have emailed him straight away with a full version of your side of the story and then left it up to him if he wanted to continue the relationship.

It's too late now and the moment is gone. Your mother contacting him is inappropriate, so no.

Sometimes you just have to move on and it's very upsetting and frustrating not to be heard but it would do more harm than good at this point.

Next time tell the person you've fallen for once he has got to know you as a person and be honest.

RainbowsAndUnicorn · 18/02/2017 11:48

An adult having their mum message a BF after a break up would be ludicrous, he doesn't have to give you a reason.

You should have been honest from the start, to make the press it must have been serious.

kittybiscuits · 18/02/2017 11:50

Harassment is when he tells you he doesn't want to hear from you again and you carry on, then when he doesn't respond you get someone else to harass him on your behalf. You made a choice not to tell him. He has now made his choice. You need to let it go.

SuperFlyHigh · 18/02/2017 11:52

Agreed with RainbowsandUnicorn post completely.

In fact if you've been seeing him this period of time I would have thought it would have been good (and sensible) after 3 months to have broached this subject with him so he knew about it. Then it would have been more "lay cards on table" rather than him discovering it (Google search of names, not uncommon) etc. I imagine this has been a big shock for him and he feels betrayed how would you feel?

Fink · 18/02/2017 11:53

He has asked you not to contact him, you have said you won't contact him. Now don't. Leave him alone. Maybe he's misjudging you but that's not your problem any more. You are no longer in a relationship with him so leave him alone, as he has requested and you have agreed to. That means you don't call him, you don't knock on his door, you don't pass on messages from your mum, you don't get your mum to contact him herself. You just don't contact him at all.

On the bright side, maybe you've learned some lessons for next time. For a start I would reconsider how soon you introduce any potential love interest to your daughter. She will get attached to people and be upset when the relationship suddenly ends (as I know through my ex-h's serial relationships), not to mention the huge safeguarding concerns.

Gwenhwyfar · 18/02/2017 11:53

How can sending someone one or two texts that are not threatening be harassment?
Also, while he has every right to leave the relationship, I think doing so without having a conversation is very impolite. OP should be told why he's finishing it and be given a chance to give her side of the story.

Garnethair · 18/02/2017 11:53

Natasha, it really would be the best course of action to leave it. Especially as youve said you live in the same block of flats.

GinIsIn · 18/02/2017 11:55

Gwen OP has been told exactly why he has finished it - she lied about her part in criminal proceedings. And OP has already sent several texts.

TaliDiNozzo · 18/02/2017 11:55

OP, I have to agree with the others. Forcing contact on someone who, for whatever reason, has decided they don't want to be contacted is not on. If you leave him alone, he may well decide he wants to hear you out. Pursuing him right now will not help your case and may even make it worse.

I'm guessing this is a crime that is quite serious if it made the newspapers, so it's understandable it's made him skittish. If he's come across the story himself it's likely he knows you were acquitted. Most people reading something about someone they know will read all they can I would've thought.

If there is any future here, you must give him space. I'm sure your mum is well meaning but there is no way you should allow her to send that text.

KatieScarlett · 18/02/2017 11:58

Gwen, no one has said OP is harassing him now. Turning up and getting Mum to write to him after being explicitly told not to contact him will be harassment.
And after 5 months it would have been nice for him to discuss and end things in person but unfortunately that is not what he chose to do. He may have sound reasoning for that decision BTW.
He owes her nothing. Hard but true.

Gwenhwyfar · 18/02/2017 11:58

Fenella - OP says what her ex boyfriend's seen online is the whole story. I think she should be given the chance to explain and I also think that, while of course it's his right to do so, dumping someone by text is very rude.

Fink · 18/02/2017 11:59

Gwenhwyfar, he has no obligation to tell OP why he's finishing the relationship. If he wants a complete break and has made that clear, which he has, that it the end of the matter. She doesn't have a right to give her side of the story. He may or may not have a skewed picture of what actually happened from the press but he has no obligation to listen to her trying to clear her name. As far as we know he has not been impolite simply by wanting no contact.

Oldraver · 18/02/2017 11:59

For whatever reason he has told you he doesn't want you to contact him. He made it very clear but you still phoned and texted.

You seem to want to ignore all the advice on here to leave him alone and I reckon you will still contact him again.

That is harrassment...the police will consider it harrassment if he wishes to complain about you. Is that what you want ?

KatieScarlett · 18/02/2017 12:00

I respectfully disagree. Her right to be heard does not trump his desire never to engage with her again.

girlelephant · 18/02/2017 12:06

OP as others have said he has chosen to end the relationship - the reason doesn't matter & he doesn't owe you any explanations. Nor should you be trying to persuade him to be with you

If it was in the press surely you being acquitted was also in the press. Even if it wasn't he chose not to engage with you or ask your side of the story.

Your Mum wanting to message him & you thinking this is a good idea is ridiculous. He's a grown man, leave him be

SemiNormal · 18/02/2017 12:09

OP I really feel for you. You have a right to move on from what has gone on in your past and are under no obligation to disclose that to anyone given you were aquitted. I also understand why you didn't tell him, things were going well, you were possibly falling for him and it probably never felt like 'the right time' to have that conversation.
Personally I think it's pretty shitty that he hasn't at least sat down to talk it over with you but then that would be enough for me to think perhaps he's not the person you thought he was and that it's best it's over.
Also understand how crap it must make you feel to have to relive the past over and over and have it used against you like this Flowers

girlelephant · 18/02/2017 12:09

Ps given you have already contacted him despite him telling you not to I think you are harassing him.

ZombieApocalips · 18/02/2017 12:11

Telling him that you were acquitted will only make you feel better because the reason for your breakup becomes he couldn't deal with what you were accused of rather than the fact that you didn't tell him about the accusations. Leave him alone. Your lie is the reason for him dumping you not the court case. Being acquitted is not going to change his mind.

You have a right to privacy but next time you need to tell the other person after a few months.

Costacoffeeplease · 18/02/2017 12:16

Leave him alone, don't get your mum to text him ffs, are you 12?

Holly3434 · 18/02/2017 12:22

OP come back from texting him and tell us what you did?

gamerchick · 18/02/2017 12:34

You're going to force contact on him via your mother who is going to ask him to respond when he's clearly asked you to leave him alone by telling him your last relationship was unhealthily?

Yeah that's going to make you look like a really stable person that is.

Lonelybutnice · 18/02/2017 12:38

I feel for you, but agree with the pp's who advise to leave alone now. Be kind to yourself and move on Flowers

SparklyMagpie · 18/02/2017 12:54

To bring your mum into this isnt going to end well.

Ok it's not nice he won't give you chance to hear your side of the story, but I'm unsure of how he wouldn't know you were a quitted?

If you turn up at his door and he doesn't let you in what are you going to do then?

He's not interested and again it's not nice but you need to leave him alone. You've already told him he can ask you about it if he chooses to, he's choosing not to so I'm sorry but you need to stop this now

But honestly, DO NOT GET YOUR MUM INVOLVED

If he doesn't want to hear it from you, why would he want to hear it from your mum?

Oliversmumsarmy · 18/02/2017 13:12

Could the reason be that because of your dd he is looking to the future when your ex (who i presume is in prison) gets out and he doesn't want to be involved.

Nothing what the op or her mother do or say will make any difference as it is not about the op being acquitted but the fact that the dd's father wasn't

Apologies if I have read the situation wrong

ivechangedmyname123 · 18/02/2017 13:16

She's not taking the advice, probably round his house now banging on the door...

Seriously just move on, you will meet someone else, just be open and honest next time and give people a chance to make their own decisions! And stop introducing your children to people before you get to know them properly first!