New guy - herpes :(

[Amilliontoonechance]

I've been dating a really lovely guy for two months. I'm careful when it comes to my sexual health as I do a lot of online dating, Tinder, etc so like to take it slow, so recently I asked him if he would mind being tested before having sex, he said not at all, was great about it. All came back clear. He then told me that he has had genital herpes for five years (this is generally not tested for in the usual 'suite' of STI tests). I said I needed some time to think about it, research the risks, etc.

Anyway, I did a lot of research and spoke to my gynaecologist, the general consensus is that if we had protected sex when he didn't have a break out the risks are minimal. We have since had protected sex and even though I feel fine and don't think I have contracted anything it's at the back of my mind, and I have decided that I just can't take the risk, I also don't really like using condoms in a serious relationship (if we got that far), I feel they take away the spontaneity. I also can't see myself wanting to perform oral sex (this hasn't happened so far) so I feel that the kindest thing to do for both of us to finish it. He has told me he has feelings for me and can see himself being with me long term, so I feel pretty lousy.

Reason for my post is how do I break this to him without destroying is confidence? Do I tell him straight or do I make up a white lie? He's such a great guy, a real gentleman and he doesn't deserve to feel bad about anything this is just something I don't have the right disposition to deal with without becoming unduly worried.

Blimey, I hope he doesn't mind your friends having that information about him.

I might have been inclined to keep that info to myself, tbh.

The blood test is usually only done on NHS if it makes a difference to medical treatment, so I think you are unlikely to get it at an NHS clinic op. If someone has herpes sores it is more accurate to take a swab from the sore to test for herpes, rather than the blood test, so this is more commonly performed.

herpes.org.uk/frequently-asked-questions/

Gallavich, BubbleWrapQueen and AMillion, again, my posts are not about making light of HSV, I'm sure you'll understand that . Here in France, and I imagine it's the same case in UK, one's blood test group card stipulates the presence of HSV and so with every pregnancy and birth extra care is taken to ensure there are no sores. As mentioned above a simple, preventative course of medication prevents the infection of the baby.

With the correct medical care there is no reason to fret.

I'm pretty certain there are no risks for the unborn child during pregnancy.

I am sorry you feel so scared of it. I've had it for 15 years. First attack was bad but after that it was v mild. I've never passed it on to my dp in 7 years together. I'm bringing up my kids not to be scared of it - because it really is very common and mostly v harmless.

Thisisright, I know you're not. I tend to go on the worst case scenario, simply as some people do tend to talk light of it and the risks. Hopefully between us people can be reassured in the middle 😁

BubbleWrap, I'm sorry to insist (this isn't about me being right rather about reassuring the OP). With the correct course of medication taken prior to birth, administered by the doctor or midwife, there is zero risk of the baby being infected.

Oops, crossposted BubbleWrap!

Yes, between us there will be a very happy medium.

This is, If the medication administered stops an outbreak. However, this is not 100% guaranteed to work, and sometimes there is a need for a csection and there is a higher risk of infection. Also, they won't give antivirals if you don't have a diagnosis - so if you have your first outbreak during your third trimester (which could be a possibility) then it's different.

The OP doesn't have it yet. She's asking about continuing a relationship with someone who does have it. It is a risk

HSV comes with a lot of guilt and blame tbh. And if the OP thinks she would harbour bad feelings if she were to contract it, before, during, after a pregnancy or any point in her life, then she needs to think whether that could ruin her relationship. It certainly put mine under strain.

Again, I read your words with interest Bubble. Surely, if the OP warned the medical carers that her partner had HSV (I love all this longterm projection we've got going here about the OP ) then suitable blood tests would be carried out during the third trimester.

As you may be aware the French medical system has a reputation for being thorough and providing excellent care. I never once received anything but reassurance about HSV during my pregnancies. You are right; I definitely felt the burden of being a carrier.

Sadly here the blood test isn't done as an indication, they use sores and swabs only. Of course this may differ on hospital, consultant etc, but our experiences (DP and I) is that there is a no to blood tests. They err on the side of no symptoms no hsv. Which is so clearly wrong. But equally their hands are tied by money and procedure.

I felt an enormous range of emotions. I admit I blamed DP as a carrier. I know every outbreak I have he feels guilty. If someone had told me four years ago when we met this would happen and I could walk away on date five, would I? Maybe. Because it is horrific to suffer with every outbreak I have. However, now? Never. DP is incredible every outbreak I have. I have learnt to forgive him. But it took a lot of talk and emotion on both our parts. I would hate for anyone to think it is an easy thing to live with. It can be, if you're lucky. Or you could live with antivirals on you constantly, and outbreaks every year or more, and huge sores where you can't wee without crying or sit down at work. Every body is different. But it isn't something to be taken lightly - so I completely see the OPs questioning of herself and the relationship, and respect that.

I adore DP. Even with the HSV, and wouldn't be without him now. Ever. But we are years down the line.

The other, more sober thing to consider, is what if she is passed hsv, and then the relationship doesn't succeed. In a year or two, she could be that person someone is writing about on a forum. Yes, there shouldn't be a stigma with it, yes, it can be fairly common now, but no, it's not always clean sailing as previous posters have shown.

I am aware I'm posting worst case scenario. But I guess it gives the OP both sides. I'm normally the one cheerleading for living with HSV is ok (and have done under various names on previous threads, my own one where I was diagnosed is on here in the archives somewhere) but sometimes I worry when it is being made a bit more light of

Not that you're making light of it Thisisright - aaah not sure if I'm making much sense now!!!

This is heartbreaking. If you fall in love with him you will be in turmoil. I think I would end it now before you're in too deep. I would be honest and say you can't cope with it in the nicest way possible.

I'd make the same choice as the OP. Whilst you can manage herpes if you already have it, why would you choose to put yourself at risk if you don't? Just because it is common does not mean it is something you want.

An Elisa test is used to detect antibodies to a virus.

When inactive the herpes virus resides in the basal root ganglion (irrc). Your body doesn't know its there so is not actively producing antibodies. Hence you cant really test for it unless you are having an active outbreak.

Even when you do have an outbreak the tests dont always come nack positive.
Its is believed the instance of asymptomatic shedding reduces the longer you have the virus. I also seem to remember that asymptomatic shedding occurs from mucous membranes, ie area covered by a condom

Best to speak to someone who really know about the virus though.