New guy - herpes :(

[Amilliontoonechance]

I've been dating a really lovely guy for two months. I'm careful when it comes to my sexual health as I do a lot of online dating, Tinder, etc so like to take it slow, so recently I asked him if he would mind being tested before having sex, he said not at all, was great about it. All came back clear. He then told me that he has had genital herpes for five years (this is generally not tested for in the usual 'suite' of STI tests). I said I needed some time to think about it, research the risks, etc.

Anyway, I did a lot of research and spoke to my gynaecologist, the general consensus is that if we had protected sex when he didn't have a break out the risks are minimal. We have since had protected sex and even though I feel fine and don't think I have contracted anything it's at the back of my mind, and I have decided that I just can't take the risk, I also don't really like using condoms in a serious relationship (if we got that far), I feel they take away the spontaneity. I also can't see myself wanting to perform oral sex (this hasn't happened so far) so I feel that the kindest thing to do for both of us to finish it. He has told me he has feelings for me and can see himself being with me long term, so I feel pretty lousy.

Reason for my post is how do I break this to him without destroying is confidence? Do I tell him straight or do I make up a white lie? He's such a great guy, a real gentleman and he doesn't deserve to feel bad about anything this is just something I don't have the right disposition to deal with without becoming unduly worried.

BubbleWrapQueen, I don't wish to make light of Herpes but insofar as childbirth is concerned a week's treatment suffices to keep a potential outbreak at bay prior to one's due date so that the newborn baby runs zero risk of infection. I had two children after contracting the virus, the midwives were informed and I had absolutely no problems during the birth.

I hope that helps.

There hasn't been a general consensus. In fact I think the majority of people with actual direct experience of this in RL have advised you not to end the relationship.

And I think we are starting to get an idea of how you treat people. It's certainly not kind or nice or respectful to lie to this guy like you are planning to.

Sorry and you're right. But I think this guy sounds fab as it's not a lot of online meets who would be so honest or even agree to a test before having sex. You're very lucky to meet such a nice chap.

I just felt from the op and other posts that it's making a mountain out of a molehill. Yes fair play you wanted to protect yourself but it's one of those stds that's so difficult to detect without breakouts and you and previous partners could have without even being aware.

Hope you become informed enough to decide what to do, he sounds like a lovely guy

My DH has cold sores and genital sores so he got lucky. When I told him in a muck sweat that I have herpes he said so what, me too.

I'm lucky to only have the genital version. It's very easily managed. Had it for 30 years. Don't appear to have passed it on to anyone. Take great antivirals, all over in 3 days. If only my periods were so easy to handle. And as my DH is so relaxed about it I can relax and get hardly any outbreaks now.

My exh used it as a stick to beat me with daily. And that is a fairly common thing which is why people are reacting to your post.

I'm much more concerned about the cold sores than the genital herpes. Everyone can see the cold sore, it is way more disfiguring albeit temporary and equally painful. Also flares up much more often. The French kiss each other regardless.

Why are you more worried about genital herpes? It doesn't make sense to me.

GoldenOrb thanks, that's great advice. I will look into it, would be interesting to establish my status seeing as its highly likely I carry HSV 1 or 2.

I wonder why that test isn't offered as part of the usual batch of STI testing available. I was thinking of suggesting we both go and see someone at an STI clinic together. Although I will see how he feels about this, he may not feel entirely comfortable, otherwise I'll go alone.

Do you know that he has hsv2 rather than 1? Has it been tested?

You could have already been exposed to herpes yourself, but have never had symptoms. If that would affect your decision you could look into a private blood test. A private GUM doctor or GP might be able to help. Hsv1 and 2 are similar enough that once you have caught one you are unlikely to catch the othrr

There is a patient organisation called the Herpes Virus Association which has detailed info re herpes on their website.

I'd lie OP. I'd have to really like someone to willingly risk getting a lifelong STI. I wouldn't feel that strongly after a few dates.

I wonder why that test isn't offered as part of the usual batch of STI testing available

Because unless you are in an active phase it often won't show up. That's what I was told anyway

Flowerydems

I couldn't agree more, I was so impressed by his honesty. I wish that this stigma would just go away as after I'd read all been told all the facts I felt put at ease, that's why I felt comfortable having (great!) protected sex. Then afterwards I mentioned this gorgeous guy and him having HSV to a couple of friends and they seemed quite worried for me. And that's when I started to doubt myself and what I'd been told / read. After reading all the personal experiences on this thread, I feel much better informed and way less concerned.

HopelesslydevotedtoGu thanks, the blood test has been suggested upthread, I'm going to go to an STI clinic for more info.

He has HSV2.

I think even as you use a white lie as an excuse to finish the relationship, he'll know anyway and if he's been honest with you about having herpes, surely he deserves the same honesty and mutual respect back?

HSV doesn't cause complications in pregnancy or childbirth, that's a myth.

You could be a carrier already, you could never contract it from this guy. He can take acyclovir to reduce transmission risks too (though can't take it permanently I guess)
I wouldn't ditch a potentially lovely man for this. There aren't that many of them around.

RainbowsAndLemonDrops

It's not about not respecting him. It's about not crushing him. Sometimes people tell white lies to protect someone else's feelings. the general consensus from those who (knowingly) have HSV has been to tell him a white lie to protect his feelings.

It's also not about not making it easy for me.

The anti body test someone mentioned may not be accurate, I'm pretty sure a friend asked about why they don't do it and they said it can show up negative if you were infected a while back which can make people think they aren't carriers when they are.

Gallavich

It can. Same as coldsores can be lethal for newborns, giving birth or having a high risk pregnancy with HSV can cause problems. That is not a myth at all.

OP, DP asked for any blood tests etc and was told the only way they would diagnose is through swabbing open wounds, and no other way.

Gallavich "I wouldn't ditch a potentially lovely man for this. There aren't that many of them around"

That's sadly very true

Sorry but that's simply not true. It can cause problems if you have your first outbreak when giving birth but if you have had it for a while then your antibodies will be present in the baby.
In any case you can take acyclovir in the last couple of weeks to suppress it.

BubbleWrapQueen ah ok, interesting. I will see what the STI clinic have to say, thanks

www.nhs.uk/Conditions/Genital-herpes/Pages/Complications.aspx NHS guidance. Unless op is 30 weeks pregnant it's not a problem.

ThisIsTheRightTime

That's good to hear you were prevented from an outbreak and infecting your children. It can be serious which is why they try and prevent an outbreak. But if there are any open sores, it can affect your birth. Thankfully there are methods like you had which can work, but they aren't guaranteed.

But Gallavich there is a risk. And if she continues with this relationship and then has her first infection during pregnancy? Or has an outbreak during birth, which can happen? There are risks, as stated on your link. Like anything, there can be methods to prevent serious side effects, but I wouldn't blame anyone for wanting to err away from that potential risk now.