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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

New guy - herpes :(

118 replies

Amilliontoonechance · 13/02/2017 14:37

I've been dating a really lovely guy for two months. I'm careful when it comes to my sexual health as I do a lot of online dating, Tinder, etc so like to take it slow, so recently I asked him if he would mind being tested before having sex, he said not at all, was great about it. All came back clear. He then told me that he has had genital herpes for five years (this is generally not tested for in the usual 'suite' of STI tests). I said I needed some time to think about it, research the risks, etc.

Anyway, I did a lot of research and spoke to my gynaecologist, the general consensus is that if we had protected sex when he didn't have a break out the risks are minimal. We have since had protected sex and even though I feel fine and don't think I have contracted anything it's at the back of my mind, and I have decided that I just can't take the risk, I also don't really like using condoms in a serious relationship (if we got that far), I feel they take away the spontaneity. I also can't see myself wanting to perform oral sex (this hasn't happened so far) so I feel that the kindest thing to do for both of us to finish it. He has told me he has feelings for me and can see himself being with me long term, so I feel pretty lousy.

Reason for my post is how do I break this to him without destroying is confidence? Do I tell him straight or do I make up a white lie? He's such a great guy, a real gentleman and he doesn't deserve to feel bad about anything Sad this is just something I don't have the right disposition to deal with without becoming unduly worried.

OP posts:
Original poster
Amilliontoonechance · 13/02/2017 16:27

Thanks LapinR0se just saw your post as I posted mine. There have been quite a few posts on here like yours and they have really made me stop and think.

Whereas before my mind was made up now I'm not quite so sure, and as many people have pointed out, I may have it myself and I'll be throwing away a potentially lovely relationship for nothing anyway.

thank you Flowers

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ThisIsTheRightTime · 13/02/2017 16:27

I'm another one to add to the list. My husband and I had our first outbreak at the same time (so romantic, right? Grin) fourteen years ago. Neither one of us knew who caught it from whom. I had a couple of outbreaks and, then.... nothing. I'm not even afraid of jinxing things by writing that. It's been years now.

Original poster
Amilliontoonechance · 13/02/2017 16:29

LapinR0se shallow, unpleasant, dramatic and overreacting, is a little personal in my book. After all I did only post looking for advice on how to minimise hurting someone.

OP posts:
LapinR0se · 13/02/2017 16:30

I thought you meant people were sharing too much personal information! Sorry. Misunderstood.
Glad you have had some useful insights x

Original poster
Amilliontoonechance · 13/02/2017 16:32

LapinR0se Smile x

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BitOutOfPractice · 13/02/2017 16:34

It's personal to tell you you're over reacting? Really? Crikey!

My post saying that you were over reacting is also from personal experience if that makes it any more palatable to you Confused

Original poster
Amilliontoonechance · 13/02/2017 16:35

ThisIsTheRightTime you see your attitude is the type that makes me feel much more relaxed about everything. I wish everyone was like you then people like me would chill out !

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ThisIsTheRightTime · 13/02/2017 16:41

Thank you Amilliontoonechance. I'm truly touched by your kind comment.

Original poster
Amilliontoonechance · 13/02/2017 16:52

BitOutOfPractice to be told you are 'massively overreacting', yeah it is a bit. Also banding words like 'hysteria' about is a bit personal too. There was no hysteria in my post. I have taken on board every post that has been made by people who (knowingly) have HSV. This thread has educated me no end, but there has been no hysteria from my part.

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Wallywobbles · 13/02/2017 17:00

You do know that approx 2/3 of all adults have herpes right? Must be nice to be in that minority that doesn't. But are you really so sure? Many people only get one out break.

Original poster
Amilliontoonechance · 13/02/2017 17:07

Wallywobbles pretty sure 2/3 of all the adult population don't have HSV2, HSV1 sure, but not HSV2.

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witchofzog · 13/02/2017 17:10

Good luck op with whatever you decide to do. Don't rush it. Take your time to really think about it (it sounds like you are already doing this). Do you think it would be worth discussing your concerns with him? From what you have said he sounds like he would take it well

Flowerydems · 13/02/2017 17:11

I'm sorry but this whole thread is the reason people like one of the posters is allowing to herself to live a life of loneliness in case she infects someone.

It's so sad. I got genital warts from a partner, no idea who and I was always careful. You can still get infected no matter what. But herpes is so prevalent in society and so many people don't know they even have it.

It's herpes, it's not hiv or aids. Calling it a life sentence although technically true is ridiculous, will you reduce the life expectancy of the person by infecting them? No. I appreciate you need to break up with him if you feel you want to but please remember you might already have it and treating him like a leper cause of this is awful

Original poster
Amilliontoonechance · 13/02/2017 17:16

witchofzog thank you. We have talked about it, I can see it makes him feel uneasy, which is of course natural, but this is clearly something we have to discuss. I think because he's had it a while, never (knowingly) passed it on, despite having a fair few relationships, and rarely gets breakouts he's pretty relaxed about it. So yes, we do need to keep talking about it; I think talking about it makes it less of an issue, if that makes sense.

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BubbleWrapQueen · 13/02/2017 17:19

I would argue in the OPs defense, that HSV (whether 1 or 2) can cause complications during pregnancy and birth. So wanting to avoid catching it doesn't make her unreasonable. Nor does not liking someone enough to risk it make her shallow. Would I have stayed with DP in the beginning of someone told me when we had been dating a few weeks that I had a real chance of catching what I caught? Possibly not. It's a huge thing emotionally and physically to have, and we were both lucky that we had been together long enough to deal with that.

Original poster
Amilliontoonechance · 13/02/2017 17:19

Flowerydems I haven't once said that herpes is a 'life sentence'. I haven't treated him like a leper. I've treated him with respect and kindness as I would anyone

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BitOutOfPractice · 13/02/2017 17:25

I think it is s bit hysterical to end a relationship - and to consider lying about why - to be an overreaction. And a bit hysterical. So there you go.

And my advice is from a place of knowingly having the virus and catching it from a long term partner who didn't know that they carried it. Like must people who carry it and are asymptomatic (is that the right word for having no symptoms? My mind's gone blank).

InTheMoodForLove · 13/02/2017 17:29

Op, can I just ask as I am sure I am getting this wrong, you started seeing this person, you had test/results before DTD, then you started having unprotected sex, than he told you he had GH?

MontysTiredMummy · 13/02/2017 17:33

This reply has been withdrawn

Message from MNHQ: This post has been withdrawn

Original poster
Amilliontoonechance · 13/02/2017 17:36

BitOutOfPractice well it would seem that the majority of posters on this thread who (knowingly) have HSV disagree with you as they have suggested that I go with down the 'white lie' route to try and protect this guy's feelings as much as possible, so I'll go with the general consensus.

and fine, I'm hysterical if that makes you happy Smile

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Flowerydems · 13/02/2017 17:38

I don't think forcing him to talk and discuss his predicament is treating him with kindness. But it was previous posters making on it was some kind of life sentence not yourself.

I'm sorry it's just you could have it yourself and just never presented any symptoms that I find a bit crazy.

I was emotionally strained when I caught hpv. But the nurse at the gum clinic was well informed and told me so many people carry these things and never know. And she also pointed out that condoms aren't necessarily that safe for those particular stds as it's skin to skin contact, a sore or wart that is outside the condom could come into contact with you and cause it. She told me heavy petting can even transmit the virus.

0hCrepe · 13/02/2017 17:40

Electricmelon chances are you'll meet someone who has it too or at least give someone the chance to decide for themselves. Change your mind about this!

Original poster
Amilliontoonechance · 13/02/2017 17:40

InTheMoodForLove

we were together two months, sex on the cards, I asked him to have full STI testing, he said sure, had the tests all clear, but as herpes not tested for in the usual sti testing, he told me has had herpes for c 5 years. We had not had sex before this. I'm certain he had planned to do so even before I asked him to get tested.

I looked at the risks and felt comfortable enough to have protected sex. Since then I've been a bit concerned, but this thread has helped allay said concerns greatly.

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Original poster
Amilliontoonechance · 13/02/2017 17:41

thanks MontysTiredMummy that's v good advice and what I'm gleaning from this thread more and more Smile

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Original poster
Amilliontoonechance · 13/02/2017 17:43

Flowerydems

I haven't 'forced' him to do anything and you are quite frankly being ridiculous suggesting that I have.

I have treated him with kindness. You really don't have the first clue about me or how I treat people

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