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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

New guy - herpes :(

118 replies

Amilliontoonechance · 13/02/2017 14:37

I've been dating a really lovely guy for two months. I'm careful when it comes to my sexual health as I do a lot of online dating, Tinder, etc so like to take it slow, so recently I asked him if he would mind being tested before having sex, he said not at all, was great about it. All came back clear. He then told me that he has had genital herpes for five years (this is generally not tested for in the usual 'suite' of STI tests). I said I needed some time to think about it, research the risks, etc.

Anyway, I did a lot of research and spoke to my gynaecologist, the general consensus is that if we had protected sex when he didn't have a break out the risks are minimal. We have since had protected sex and even though I feel fine and don't think I have contracted anything it's at the back of my mind, and I have decided that I just can't take the risk, I also don't really like using condoms in a serious relationship (if we got that far), I feel they take away the spontaneity. I also can't see myself wanting to perform oral sex (this hasn't happened so far) so I feel that the kindest thing to do for both of us to finish it. He has told me he has feelings for me and can see himself being with me long term, so I feel pretty lousy.

Reason for my post is how do I break this to him without destroying is confidence? Do I tell him straight or do I make up a white lie? He's such a great guy, a real gentleman and he doesn't deserve to feel bad about anything Sad this is just something I don't have the right disposition to deal with without becoming unduly worried.

OP posts:
Idefix · 13/02/2017 15:35

I would be truthful op, I imagine he will be able process a white lie as I can't deal with your herpes after a bit of reflection. So tell the truth, that you are not comfortable and that you can't get past it as an issue and move on.

Be gentle to yourself it would probably be a deal breaker for a lot of people. Hopefully he will meet someone who wants to be with him regardless of this condition.

lalaloopyhead · 13/02/2017 15:35

What exactly are you worried about though? and I don't mean that in a flippant way.
I feel a bit sad about this too, I got herpes from a bf 20+ years ago. I was treated and have never had a recurrence since then. I have led a normal and healthy life since, including getting married and having 3 children. It has never occurred to me to feel like a leper.

stitchglitched · 13/02/2017 15:35

OP you are entitled to end a relationship for any reason you like. Don't feel obliged to stay in a situation you are uncomfortable with just because it makes strangers online feel sad. Just end it respectfully, you've only been dating a matter of weeks and it is perfectfully reasonable to say this isn't working for you before things progress further.

Original poster
Amilliontoonechance · 13/02/2017 15:35

alfagirl73 my gynaecologist told me that genital HSV1 is much milder than HSV2, I'm just going by what an expert told me. I also stated clearly that coldsores are herpes so not sure where you are coming from with the 'fact' part of your post Confused

Guy I'm dating doesn't have coldsores anyway, he has genital HSV2.

I know I'm not completely safe if I finish with this guy.

OP posts:
ElectricMelon · 13/02/2017 15:37

I have genital herpes and after the first (horrendous) outbreak I didn't have another for almost 2 years. Now I sometimes get the odd sore when I am run down but they last a few days and aren't painful.

I have been single for 3 years and will be for the rest of my life because of it. I am too shamed to tell a potential partner and could not knowingly infect someone so a it's a life of loneliness for me.

He seems a decent bloke for being honest with you and it must have been hard. My ex knew he had it but decided to infect me anyway without giving me the option to say whether I wanted it or not.

I don't blame you for not wanting to risk catching it but I do feel sorry for the bloke. Agree with PP about telling him a white lie.

Calyx72 · 13/02/2017 15:37

I would tell him. I get coldsores and when dating met a lovely chap but got a coldsore after a few weeks. He tried as we liked each other but had to finish for the same reasons you have.

He hadn't asked though and was a bit annoyed with me for not volunteering the coldsores info. I told him to ask his next date before meeting her if possible.

I was sad for a week or two but that's life. Have been with my current man three and a half years, he has never had a coldsore and says he wouldn't mind anyway (he's fantastic!)

I appreciated the honesty and didn't blame the chap.

EighthElement · 13/02/2017 15:40

I couldn't relax during sex. I'd be too anxious.

Personally I wouldn't pursue it.

FourToTheFloor · 13/02/2017 15:43

Of course it's not shallow to break up with someone because they have genital herpes ffs Hmm It's an STD the OP can avoid this time. Just because you have it, your BFF or you mum, it's still not an ideal trait in a new partner.

I would break up and probably tell him why. Yes it's shit for him but mind yourself OP.

stitchglitched · 13/02/2017 15:44

PuntCuffin the OP isn't married to this guy. They have been dating a few weeks! She can end it because she doesn't like his aftershave if she wants. She is allowed to choose who she wants to have a sexual relationship with. That doesn't make her unpleasant.

Bluebellevergreen · 13/02/2017 15:45

OP has the right to end her relationship for whichever reason. To say that she is shallow or discuss oh would you date someone with a cold sore? Is not appropriate.

She is not cheating on him, she is not stringing him along...
She has been sensible and gave it a try and now she has decided to end it.

I am sorry for people that have commented here saying they have it too but I have ended relationships for other reasons and they are my reasons.

So OP, in answer to your question, how to do it, I personally will tell the truth. Because I dont think lies are good at all.
I would be tactful and put it more on me: I can't relax and enjoy, This has been very hard but I have to be honest...

Sad for him (and you) but the sooner the better.

Rickandmorty · 13/02/2017 15:50

I feel sorry for him and I also feel sorry for anyone on here who now feels like a leper for having hsv- which masses of people carry without even knowing!

But it's true, break up with who you like.

Original poster
Amilliontoonechance · 13/02/2017 15:50

ElectricMelon I'm sorry my post has made you, and others, sad. Clearly this was not my intention.

When the guy I'm dating told me I asked if he'd told everyone he'd slept with and he said yes, and I believe him, he's clearly v decent and he had no reason to lie, I asked him if he'd been rejected he said no, never. I have no reason not to believe him.

I have a friend who shortly after they met his now wife told him she had herpes, he wasn't fussed about it, he loved her and they just got on with it, they were just careful when she had a breakout. Not everyone is like me, lots of people will see passed it.

My gynaecologist told me its much easier for men to pass to women.

OP posts:
Kiwi32 · 13/02/2017 15:52

OP you are only being honest and your original post was out of a desire not to hurt someone unnecessarily so you are obviously a thoughtful person. I hope you don't feel attacked but Electricmelon's post is the reason why this is an important debate.

HSV1 and 2 are different strains of the same virus which tend to affect the mouth and the genitals, respectively. The severity of an outbreak depends on the strength of your immune system at that time and on how long your immune system has had to practise fighting the virus. It is possible to be a carrier of this virus and have no idea you have it. It is possible to pass it on when you have no symptoms of an outbreak.

There is enormous stigma attached to genital herpes for no good reason. It is impossible to protect yourself from it 100%. Just like the HPV virus. I think perhaps when you meet the right person some of this anxiety will hopefully be less. Because at that point it really shouldn't matter.

Original poster
Amilliontoonechance · 13/02/2017 15:54

Rickandmorty while I feel complete sympathy for those who have posted who have HSV, in fairness no one with HSV was forced to open and read my post. The subject matter was very clear.

OP posts:
Original poster
Amilliontoonechance · 13/02/2017 16:00

Thanks Kiwi32 I don't feel attacked, I understand this is a v sensitive subject and some people will feel hurt by my post, though of course when I posted I was simply looking for some advice on how not to hurt one man's feelings as much as possible, it seems what unwittingly a few people have been hurt.

Thanks to all of you who have posted, I really appreciate it and your posts have made me think. Some of them have made me want to give this guy a huge hug, it must have been so hard for him to tell me.

OP posts:
Catcrazy008 · 13/02/2017 16:01

Genital herpes are the same as cold sores but in your nether regions. Would you finish a relationship because they had cold sores on their mouth?
I caught herpes from a previous partner and never have passed it on to my husband in the last 14 years.
It is not a big issue unless you make it one

ElectricMelon · 13/02/2017 16:02

Amilliontoonechance sorry I didn't mean my comment to across that way, I don't feel sad, I just sympathise with him. I have it and can't do anything about it and staying single is my personal solution.

If you don't want to date someone with and life long STI then that is perfectly reasonable. I wouldn't have done had I been given the option.

I think whatever the reason you give him, he will probably know it's the herpes but I think I would prefer a white lie in his situation

BitOutOfPractice · 13/02/2017 16:03

I think you are massively over reacting.

You don't know you don't have it already. Anyone you sleep with in the future may have it and not tell you or not know themselves.

The lesson this man will probably learn from this is not to be honest.

And it's this kind of hysteria that makes leads people like ElectricMelon to such a sad and lonely existence.

The ignorance about herpes on MN and in RL does make me sad I must say

OhhBetty · 13/02/2017 16:05

Be honest with him. Poor guy at least deserves that in my opinion.

BubbleWrapQueen · 13/02/2017 16:09

I would just point out that your gynea is wrong. HSV1 contracted genitally can be as horrific as HSV2.

I contracted HSV1 genitally. From my DP. Who has no outwards signs of cold sores or hsv or anything. We had no clue he was a carrier. So even if you check people for cold sores, if you engage in any form of oral sex ever, you put yourself at risk.

Genital herpes is completely sole destroying. But tbh, I suggest you break up with him, as if you were to contract it, you wouldn't handle it well reading your posts. And be honest with him. He deserves honesty.

ApplePaltrow21 · 13/02/2017 16:10

I'm confused - where was he honest with her? She asked him to be tested for STDs. He knew he had genital herpes and didn't mention it until after she'd initiated the tests.

That suggests to me that if she'd not brought up testing, he wouldn't have brought it up.

I couldn't trust someone who'd lie to me over sexual health. I'd end it.

Original poster
Amilliontoonechance · 13/02/2017 16:11

ElectricMelon

Thanks for replying.

I sympathise with him too, he's the loveliest, decent, most gentle guy I have met in a long while.

I will go down the white lie route as you suggest.

OP posts:
LapinR0se · 13/02/2017 16:18

I have genital herpes. I have had 3 sexual partners in my life and he was the second one.
It was absolutely horrifically painful but I caught it 12 years ago and it's only reactivated once since then.
Worrying about it kept me awake at night for years. In the end I broke down in floods of tears in my GPs office and she was very calm. She said 20-25% of the adult population carries genital herpes and up to 70% carry herpes in some form including cold sores. Many people don't experience symptoms and there is good medication available to manage symptoms if They do occur.
I felt so much better after that. My husband has not contracted it even though we have regular unprotected sex. Please don't let it put you off this lovely man you're seeing Sad

Original poster
Amilliontoonechance · 13/02/2017 16:20

Some people are becoming a little personal now so I'm going to bow out but thank you so much to all of you, to those who have posted from personal experience and to those who have given sterling practical advice. You have certainly given me food for thought.

OP posts:
LapinR0se · 13/02/2017 16:23

A little personal? Confused