Partner due to move in but didn't what would you think?

[seriouslywhatthebeeb]

So I have been in a long distance relationship for a year and for 6 months we have been planning on living together. He was due to move in today (he would have been traveling since yesterday to get here! But instead he went out drinking with his friends for two days and didn't tell me anything until today

We usually speak throughout the day but yesterday I was busy so didn't try to call him until around 4pm and then realised his phone was on voicemail. I then tried a few more times and thought maybe he was coming a day early to surprise me (he has done this before) but as it got later and later I knew that wasn't the case.

Anyway he called me after 11am today and said he knows he's out of order etc and he will still be coming but will be a day late.

I have told him I'm not sure I still want him to come, even if he was drinking and couldn't make it he should have called! I told him he is disrespectful and I'm not sure how I feel now!

What would you think in my position?

He is saying he really doesn't want me to throw everything away that we have built up in the last year and he know he has fucked up but he is so sorry etc!

What would you do in my position?

Tipsy - I have been happier living alone until we were a couple and then we both really wanted to live together to build a life together!

He left his business to come here! And yes he has a new job to start on Wednesday!

Oh this is just such a mess right now what a stupid thing for him to do that has now caused this upset

Run away and don't look back.

Hope you are okay OP 💐
I hope you can see him for the fool that he is now.
I know you are disappointed and hurt, but the real mess here, belongs to him. Shame he had to go and think about it, isn't it ? 🤔
If he really wanted this to work, he would have been adamant, that he was coming to see you, regardless.

Sugar - I agree that he should have been more adamant that he was coming to see me. I think it's that when we are talking I am maybe more overpowering than him and I was throwing one thing after another at him and telling him he must not want to be with me or is just very selfish etc!

I am upset and I'm sure that is coming across on here but I am not by any means a push over and normally cut people off and end relationships very quickly! So I'm certainly not speaking to him from a weak or passive point of view and as I say I can come across as quite harsh at times! But he deserves it as far as I'm concerned

He needs to think about his answer - really?

Then there shouldn't be any need for you to think any more about whether you should allow him to move in.

Why is he making the decision? You should be making the decision for him and telling him not to bother.
When you first move in with someone you should be over the moon to be with each other.
Counting down the days, exciting times ahead. First flush and all that!
Not going on a two day bender with your friends.
He has shown you who he is quite clearly with his actions.

You need to talk. I imagine he got cold feet, but you need to hear it from him. How well does he know him self and how much can he articulate the feelings underneath his actions? He could be immature, and better to see that now than in the future.
But I wouldn't make any decisions until you have really connected with him, and are satisfied with his responses.
Sorry you are going through this

It shouldn't be this difficult

Tell him to stuff it

Call it off.

He can do no right - he made a mistake and apologised for it. It's out of character and was a result of a surprise 'event' set up by his friends, who I'm sure he'll miss when he's moved houses, jobs etc to be with you. He's then trying to be respectful by not coming to see you unannounced and even that's the wrong thing to do.

He can't win, and mumsnet will support you in leaving him, since everyone on here is single or married to an absolutely perfect human being.

Everyone makes mistakes. If you trust that he's a decent person I'm sure you'd have been able to discuss it and not cause it to be relationship ending.

If he has to model perfect behaviour at all times, then the relationship is doomed and the sacrifice he's making to try to build a life with you is a waste of time.

What is your gut telling you?

Do you believe his apology is genuine?

So he has to think about his answer and he'll get back to you?

That would be me saying a big fat NO to him moving in, wouldn't even give him the option to "think about it"

Don't go through with it OP, I'd call it off based on his answer let alone his behaviour

Really fighting for you and this to work isn't he

She asked him a question, well, she 'called him names' then asked him to go and think about possible reasons why he behaved selfishly.

Of course, him answering immediately with the perfect answer may have got some kind of brownie points. I'm sure it'd have been posted on here for misinterpretation though.

Maybe he's an introvert who has taken her observation on board and wanted to invest the time in giving a thoughtful answer?

OP you know him. You know how he usually reacts to conflict, the previous conversations you've had about moving in, the upheaval on both sides etc.

Go with you gut, but please do make your own decision and recognise the bias and projection in lots of the responses you've received (yes, including mine).

Telling him not to move may give a fleeting feeling of empowerment, but long term is that what you want?

Realistically, if he doesn't move, he'll have to potentially reshuffle things and it's unlikely he'll be just able to rearrange things when/if you decide you want him to move in the future,

I think it's too easy to see it from the perspective that he was due to move in but instead went on a two day bender and didn't communicate that he was going to be late. And on the surface that would be a deal-breaker for me.

However, look deeper and the reality here is that he's not just moving in, he's moving countries, giving up his business, his friends, his whole life and moving to be with you and back into a paid job rather than self employment. That's a huge step to take for anyone, and it's likely that, given his friends turned up unannounced he was suddenly left with the reality that this is it. Tomorrow he won't be in that country or with those people or doing that job, he'll be living in a whole different country and different culture, and all you've had to do was to wait for his arrival.

I think it's inevitable that at the last minute he would be struck by all that he's giving up to be with you. It's very easy to say that it should be romantic and exciting and he should be anticipating, and he likely was, but then his friends turned up and he realised that everything he is is changing on the stroke of midnight.

This doesn't necessarily mean that he's got cold feet, but he may well be apprehensive, and that is entirely understandable.

I've been there. My DP lives three hours away and has been procrastinating on looking for work and opportunities to be here. And with us that too reached a point recently where I said that it seemed obvious he wasn't keen to be here. He is, but he's also overwhelmed with the reality that in order to move here he will be giving up a job of twenty years and taking huge risks. I've recognised that because I've done the same in my marriage. And it doesn't mean the end, it just means that sometimes some people think more about what they want, and some people know what they want but going after it isn't always as easy, and sometimes you get a wake up call.

Talk to him face to face. Talk about how you both feel about this, and listen to what he's saying. He's made all the sacrifices, and now he's stalled and you no longer want to know.

Your hurt and upset is understandable, but given we're talking a move of countries here this really isn't as black and white as he went on a bender rather than excitedly ditching his country culture, friends and business to be with you.

I have to agree with yazooAddict.

He has given up a hell of a lot to be with you, which does not excuse his shitty behaviour but he is only human!

You seem to be wanting a perfect being that gets it right all of the time! Unfortunately nobody is perfect and we all fuck up at times it's how you deal with it and he is trying to deal with it the best way he can by giving you space and apologising and explaining why and what happened I'm not sure what else you want from him.

People calling to LTB and run for the hills etc don't know any of the back story or anything about you both they are going by a snap shot of time and all from your POV.

By all means dump him and move on but you may have to be more realistic about how other people act and that relationships do take work, understanding and compromise.

This does seem to be fraught with drama and tbh do you think you are maybe over analysing slightly? Do you maybe have standards that are in achievable to the average person?
If you don't think so and still feel he is completely unreasonable and not in the least bit sorry then get rid now but don't do the 'I have to think and make you jump through hoops' games.

But why does giving things up mean that he wasn't able to communicate with the op? Any kind and reasonably mature adult would do that.

Personally, I think you were so nervous about taking this step that you are jumping at this as a 'sign' that you shouldn't do it.

Perhaps admit to yourself (and him) that you're not ready, rather than try to blame him for it not happening.

What do you want to do now?

Don't worry about his job - what do YOU want to do?

Long distance relationships can give a false sense of what life would be like with someone because every time you see them it's a special occasion.

He is a grown man who made the decision to give up his business and move and I assume he's had plenty of time to live with that decision and reverse it if he wanted to.

Any person I know who made such a momentous move made plans to spend time with friends and family before they left. It would worry me he went on a two day bender and couldn't at least call you to let you know he would be late or ask if it was OK he would be late.

I wouldn't break it off but I would not let him move in until I could establish this was a one off, out of character action.

He obviously should have communicated.

However, what does a 2 day bender entail? Sounds awful on the face of it.

As I read it he went out the day prior to travelling and contacted OP the following day at 11am after she'd failed to reach him from 4pm.

Almost like the bender was actually just drinking the day before he was due to travel and calling with a hangover the morning of the day he due to travel, effectively delaying by 24hours.

So, at least a 16 hour bender, for 8 of which he was probably asleep and he rest in his current house with his friends. At some point he would have realised he wasn't going to be in a fit state to travel, but it wouldn't have been a massive window.

If that's the case, the exaggeration would lead me to think that the OP wanted a negative response to her post, maybe, as others have suggested, because she's nervous of the move herself.

Happy - I think he had to think because I was questioning him as to why he did this and that maybe it was because he didn't want to be with me! He was insistent that he does want to be with me but doesn't know why he did this!

Pam - I agree we should be excited and happy! I have told him this!

Ohyes - he does seem to know himself and generally doesn't act immature like this!

Yazoo- I agree he is trying to be respectful by not coming unannounced! And no it's not want I want for him not to move in! But I also don't want to be treated like an idiot in my relationship! I feel like the moving in day was the most important day for us and he missed it! My dad used to treat my mum like a fool and go drinking for days without a phone call and I really don't want a partner that thinks it's ok for them to do that! He managed to miss such an important day just by drinking! And that has left me feeling very upset and rejected like he couldn't see that it was an important day!

Wanabe- I do understand it's a mass he move for him, it's also a massive deal for me although I know I don't have to move countries! I know we can't sort this out over the phone! We have now agreed that he will come here this evening and we will try to work things out! I have told him I am unsure about the move at the moment and just very confused!

Stoic- yes I do believe his apology is genuine! He does seem to want to work this out!

I personally wouldn't give a shit about this, but it doesn't matter what I think.

Foxy - I understand that we all
Make mistakes, both of us have made mistakes during the relationship and I am prepared to work on the relationship. However when I was expecting him to move in and he didn't call me until 41/2 hours before I was due to meet him (I was going to meet him a 3-4 hour drive away from my home to bring him and his stuff) it made me feel completely rejected and like he was having doubts.

I can honestly say if he would have called me on the Saturday when he first knew he wouldn't make it I would have been mad and annoyed but it would have been much less of a big deal as I was left with no idea what was going on and that was the really selfish part!

Stoic- it's not the case that I'm not ready or was so nervous, but I have stayed single for a long time as I really don't want to just be in a relationship for the sake of it! I want to be with someone that I love and respect and they feel the same way! I have had bad relationships before so I am very wary and try to protect myself from getting hurt!

Trils - I think ultimately I do want us to live together! I am only concerned about his job as one of the other posters said he may not be able to have that job if he doesn't come now. But I also just want to feel confident that this isn't how he will be behaving on a regular basis as I know it's not acceptable to me.

Yazoo - he went out Friday night, woke up Saturday and then went for "lunch" and started drinking again and then said he went back to his friends house and fell asleep. He said he was planning to wake up and call me later but didn't and then called me about 11.30 Sunday morning!

I'm not exaggerating to get a negative response, I am just saying it as I see it

Kane - when you say you wouldn't give a shit do you mean you wouldn't mind your partner not moving in on the day you agreed?

I also just want to feel confident that this isn't how he will be behaving on a regular basis as I know it's not acceptable to me.

What if he moved to near where you live, started the job, and tried to demonstrate that he would treat you respectfully? With the agreement that you'd think about moving in properly in a few months?

I think I'd go with Trills' suggestion. He can rent a room for a while and see how things go.

Realistically he'd still need to live with op for a little bit even if just a few weeks. It's very unlikely he'd be able to find somewhere to move into if his job starts tomorrow!

It's difficult as you can't really write all the ins and outs of his nature on here. It's unlikely he will be doing that anytime soon as he doesn't have the same friends where you are (does he have friends near you?) and if he's not one to go on such a bender usually that wouldn't be the issue for me. As you've said it would be all about the lack of communication. Particularly if he was going to lunch when he should have been leaving. Just a text even! I would think his reservations are not about your relationship but about leaving.

Only you can really call this one. You could have some kind of trial period or ask him to look for somewhere to rent and has a deadline. Can stay at yours in the mean time but out at that date