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Original poster

Partner due to move in but didn't what would you think?

109 replies

seriouslywhatthebeeb · 12/02/2017 13:10

So I have been in a long distance relationship for a year and for 6 months we have been planning on living together. He was due to move in today (he would have been traveling since yesterday to get here! But instead he went out drinking with his friends for two days and didn't tell me anything until today Hmm

We usually speak throughout the day but yesterday I was busy so didn't try to call him until around 4pm and then realised his phone was on voicemail. I then tried a few more times and thought maybe he was coming a day early to surprise me (he has done this before) but as it got later and later I knew that wasn't the case.

Anyway he called me after 11am today and said he knows he's out of order etc and he will still be coming but will be a day late.

I have told him I'm not sure I still want him to come, even if he was drinking and couldn't make it he should have called! I told him he is disrespectful and I'm not sure how I feel now!

What would you think in my position?

He is saying he really doesn't want me to throw everything away that we have built up in the last year and he know he has fucked up but he is so sorry etc!

What would you do in my position?

OP posts:
Original poster
seriouslywhatthebeeb · 12/02/2017 22:01

Anyfucker - I agree! I have been single for about 6 years before this relationship (well single as in not a full on relationship I had a casual relationship). I have also been in Counselling for years working on myself as I come from a dysfunctional family! I am not afraid of being alone actually I find it easier so I don't have the danger of getting hurt but I felt this guy was worth taking the risk for and building a life with

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 12/02/2017 22:02

And how do you feel about that now ?

HellonHeels · 12/02/2017 22:03

I wouldn't let him move in. He can still move to start the new job, he can find a hostel for a week or so and then a house share or flat.

Then move in with him (if you want to) after a good long time of testing the relationship.

Alternatively - dump him now.

The day I moved in with exDH, I was stuck outside his flat with my stuff in bags, in the rain, trying to wake him up after he'd spent the night binge drinking. Things did not improve.

AnnieNeedsAMacBook · 12/02/2017 22:03

Bloody iPad! Nothing to do with kettles! *not letting his new employer down

Original poster
seriouslywhatthebeeb · 12/02/2017 22:09

I'm not sure how I feel now I feel confused Confused

Like I said I have trust issues anyway and it takes very little to make me "back off" and run away! Having him living with me makes it difficult for me to run away

OP posts:
Original poster
seriouslywhatthebeeb · 12/02/2017 22:11

Annie - I agree it was very selfish and I do feel very let down Sad

I also feel mad that he apologised and said I'm so sorry I will just be there a day late! I'm like what the fuck makes you think your welcome a day late?

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 12/02/2017 22:12

He feels very safe in messing you about, doesn't he ?

Hermonie2016 · 12/02/2017 22:19

How old is he? He went drinking for 2 days...That is serious and not likely to be a one off.

It's hard to write someone off for bad behaviour (on one occasion) but I feel it's much more than that, he's showing you who he is underneath.This is what I have learned it's usually the tip of the iceberg for his behaviour.Your compassionate nature and perhaps conditioning makes you feel you need to excuse this one example but I feel in a year it's a big flag.

Happyinthehills · 12/02/2017 22:20

Him living with you would make it very difficult to run away

A good reason for him not moving in until you're sure you want him to.

BelarusianDoll · 12/02/2017 22:21

Huge red flag.

He's shown a total lack of respect. You're clearly not his first priority. If a man really adores you, wild horses wouldn't have kept him from turning up on the monumental day you have planned to move in together. He should have bought you prosecco and flowers too - that's the gentlemanly thing to do. But no, he disappears with his friends like a 14-year-old boy.

This man is not good enough for you. Realise this. Don't ignore the warning signs. Good luck in making the right decision.

Ruddygreattiger2016 · 12/02/2017 22:22

Yup, another one here just trying to get past the 2 DAY DRINKING BINGE!! Bloody hell he sounds like a teenager!

Hardyloveit · 12/02/2017 22:23

I'd be annoyed with the lack of contact however he is moving obviously quite far from all his friends etc and the leaving do obviously just got carried away! He still wants to come even a day late. I'd express how you feel but I take it he has a new job etc and would have left his current one if he has one, that's a pretty big commitment he is making to you.

BelarusianDoll · 12/02/2017 22:23

Ps : Anyfucker all your advice is spot-on. You're funny too. Grin

Guiltypleasures001 · 12/02/2017 22:25

Him living with you would make it very difficult to run away

Op there's better ways to test yourself, you don't have to let him move in to test wether you run at the first sign of trouble. Your gut is telling you your not comfortable, there's a reason for feeling that way, your not ready or not sure about this.

Don't let his being put out be the reason you go against your own instincts

DownTownAbbey · 12/02/2017 22:28

How old is he? Two day benders are for first year undergraduates or alcoholics. He's been incredibly disrespectful. He needs to stay somewhere else. He deliberately didn't call you / made himself unavailable. You can't ignore or reward behaviour like that.

Squeegle · 12/02/2017 22:31

Nope... definitely not move in. Can you imagine doing that to him? No way! He can start the job, you can keep seeing him, but please don't let him move in. If he can do that on the day he is supposed to move in, just imagine how he will be with his feet under the table.

Sugarpiehoneyeye · 12/02/2017 22:34

Sorry doesn't cut it though, does it ?
It's not something you would have done is it ?
Stop minimising OP, you've obviously come along way, well done you, now tell this joker go jog on.

Foxysoxy01 · 12/02/2017 22:43

I wouldn't do anything drastic just now OP.

He has been a real tosser! And it is completely unacceptable to go on two day benders especially no contact two day benders he is not 18 anymore.

I can however see that his friends came round without him having any idea they would and he got an almighty amount of pressure to spend his last days with his mates that he will be moving miles away from and may not see again blah, blah, blah.
It would be quite difficult to say no if you were moving miles away from old mates. That's why peer pressure makes people act crazy.
Although of course that doesn't excuse his behaviour and he should have had more thought for you but in his tiny little mind he may have thought that he would be having forever with you and that he was committing to leaving his friends for a new life with you so a few drinks would be ok......which then just escalated.

tipsytrifle · 12/02/2017 23:14

I think, despite knowing this man for years before getting involved in a long distance relationship, that a tear is too soon. A year long distance doesn't really match up to more local association. You've also suggested that actually you're fine living alone, maybe even happier that way. There is no Absolute Measure that says people have to live together. There are no relationship police to say "it's time you did x y or z".

I would put this move-in on hold. An unexpected 2 day bender is quite something. Perhaps living locally but still dating would be a compromise?

You said that he had his own business but has now secured a job. Did something happen to his business?

tipsytrifle · 12/02/2017 23:16

a tear what's that in this context?? I meant a move-in, of course!

JennyHolzersGhost · 12/02/2017 23:30

It will be a lot harder to get him to move out than it is to let him move in. Just reflect on that OP if you're wavering.
Don't do it.

Gingerbreadlass · 12/02/2017 23:37

🙄 is this even a question?? I think you know the answer to that one.

I agree with other posters a year isn't long at all and you'd clearly be throwing pearls to pigs. Get a grip woman and leave him in the rear view mirror. He didn't bother to tell you because he doesn't respect you and if you do take him in you'd be here within a year asking us how to get rid of him. Do not waste your breath, this is a taster of things to come.

Original poster
seriouslywhatthebeeb · 13/02/2017 10:04

Hermonie- he is 36 so yes abit too old for this silliness Confused

Happy - I was sure I didn't want to run away before this but now this is happened I don't feel as confident in the relationship

Russiandoll - I agree he was acting like a child. And yes he should have brought me a drink and flowers to celebrate (he has surprised me before by coming a day early and brought me wine and followers and I was over the moon) that's why I thought he wasn't in contact this time for a whole day as I thought he was traveling and going to surprise me

OP posts:
Original poster
seriouslywhatthebeeb · 13/02/2017 10:09

Hardy - I agree that he did seem to be making a big commitment by moving and left his own business behind to come here. I just don't want to feel like I would put up with disrespectful behavior Confused

Downtown - that's the bit that really gets me is him not calling me to keep me informed on the fact that he wouldn't be here! I then could have said ok fine he's a day late but the fact that he didn't communicate makes me feel pissed off Angry

And no it is certainly not something I would have done! He should have been ready to come here at the agreed time as he said he was so keen on coming!

OP posts:
Original poster
seriouslywhatthebeeb · 13/02/2017 10:15

Foxy - how you have explained it is how he sees it too! The thing is I started to feel that maybe in the back of his mind there might be a small part of him that doesn't want to be here!

He said yesterday he was going to book a flight to come over today as he wants to talk about things and he wouldn't come to my house unless I agreed.

I told him that more importantly he should go off and have a think as to why he did this. I said either

  1. he doesn't want to be with me or move country or
  2. he's a selfish dickhead!

He said he will have a think and call me back today!

I just don't know what to do or say it's difficult having these conversations over the phone and I don't know how I feel! I guess if I don't know then I shouldn't have to make any decisions right now either way!

OP posts:
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