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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

why do people want to get married

163 replies

juswonderin · 12/02/2017 01:43

Looks like most marriage are unhappy. What's the point of marriage? For kids? Why can't they be raised to be happy, healthy adults by single unmarried parents? Do you think when kids grow up (next 20-30 years), marriage will be as important in society as it is now?

I am just very fed up with my own problems and was wondering what's the point? I was a happy person once. Sorry for the rant.

OP posts:
Bluebellevergreen · 12/02/2017 11:48

Oh winnie :-(

Twitsinspace · 12/02/2017 11:49

I've been married 30 years with lots of ups and downs at times including affairs on both sides. However, I wouldn't change it. We have grown together and for the last 10 years it's been great with no conflicts at all. Life is tough at times and sometimes just having a friendly voice and a reassuring arm around you is all you need.

JustForYouHeresALoveSong · 12/02/2017 12:11

I was told that much of adult life would be denied to me if I didn't get married and that the stigma of not being married would be worse than being married to someone I didn't love. That's why I did it.

Finding someone who would love me was never really an issue. I was told that men don't generally fall in love, and certainly not with women like me. They settle for and tolerate women.

I wouldn't intentionally influence my children either way, but whilst I hope they find happiness and fulfillment and I hope they find love, I sincerely hope neither of them ever marry or have children.

JustForYouHeresALoveSong · 12/02/2017 12:12

Not just the stigma, but the social restrictions too.

Bloopbleep · 12/02/2017 12:23

I've no idea. Nobody has ever wanted to marry me... I'm not the kind of woman men want to marry apparently

TurnipCake · 12/02/2017 12:31

Marrying for the legal and financial protection. Not marrying for love - don't get me wrong, I do love him and intend to spend the rest of my life with him because of that, but the marriage is for our mutual protection as well as any children we have

tessiebear4 · 12/02/2017 12:43

I have this weird thing where I feel
if I could go back to the time I got married, I wouldn't do it - but then I know that if I didn't, I wouldn't have my children, so that's really freaky!! What would I say to my 29 year old self? Confused

Margo3791 · 12/02/2017 12:59

People get married for various reasons. Some people need the commitment, others do it for purely romantic reasons. Others, because there is quite a lot of social pressure from society, parents, friends to have the "big white wedding".

In my particular case, neither my husband or myself were that keen on marriage. As an institution, it is patriarchal, old fashioned, and not particularly fair on women, who have to give up so much of their lives to raise the children and keep the house running. (But that's a different topic, for another thread)

However, once we got our first child, we realised we were doing everything that marriage demands of people, e.g commitment, responsibility towards our house and child, shared finances, with none of the benefits. And when I say benefits, I mean legal benefits. For example, if one of us died, half of the paid portion of our house would have gone to our parents, not our partner. In case of accident, we wouldn't have been the nest of kin or have any rights to make decisions on the other.

We would have had to talk to lawyers and draft wills and various documents to protect ourselves and our child in case of misfortune. It seemed really silly and expensive at the time.

So we got married and it was a lot easier. No big wedding. Just registry office and meal afterwards.

We still have our arguments as before. I still love the same things about my partner as before and the same things infuriate me about him. Not much has changed overall but at least now we have the peace of mind that if something goes wrong, we are protecting each other legally and financially, and that's a huge advantage.

Riversleep · 12/02/2017 13:36

I didn't hear about the outcome of the case, but reading about it here, it does look like it was decided on the facts and that there was no other person more entitled to the pension. So it won't necessarily apply to everyone else in the same situation. And anyway, what a horrendous thing to have to go through just after your partner does, on top of everything else.

kel1234 · 12/02/2017 14:19

I got married because it meant a lot for us to be husband and wife. To have that legal binding document. And most of all to show our family and friends how much we love each other and how committed we were.
My vows are the best words I've ever spoken. I'd say them to my husband every day happily. For us it wasn't about the money or anything like that. We just wanted to be married.

juswonderin · 12/02/2017 15:55

Thanks all for you replies. It's good to see that there are so many people happily married.
I am on marriage number 2 and it is failing despite all my efforts. There is emotional neglect, anger and lack of respect. I have started to wonder what's the point of it all. Agreed it provided financial security to sthp/m but I don't have that as well. I am so tired of this that I don't care for money even a small bit. I am not from UK. I have no friends or family here. I want to just go back to my home country. I do love my dh but love alone doesn't make marriage work imo. I just read my post and it does sound very depressive but that's how I am feeling right now.

OP posts:
juswonderin · 12/02/2017 15:56

'provided = provides
sorry for the typo

OP posts:
Achoopichu · 12/02/2017 16:11

Having been happily (and slightly smugly at the time) married, and finding the text messages etc, now divorced, I'm glad I had the legal protection, especially with kids.

Women tend to be the ones who take parental leave, go part time, take emergency leave, look for flexible rather than high paid work, find a job near school. So end up earning less. Men tend to be the ones who focus on their own career. So getting a 5050 split after marriage breakdown is fair, and that's what you need protection for.

Of course if your partner is in debt, male or female, best not to marry them, as their debt becomes your debt.

Who said romance is dead Grin.

But 42% marriages end in divorce.

Better for pensions too - just makes things easier at a difficult time.

Klaphat · 12/02/2017 16:15

To call someone else's beliefs crap quite frankly rude and probably breaches equality legislation- if not then certainly not in spirit of legislation and disrespectful of others religions.

Hahahaha.

Equality legislation protects people from being prevented from going about their lives like anyone else due to various protected characteristics.

Someone thinking your beliefs are stupid is not discrimination.

FinallyGotAnIPhone · 12/02/2017 16:37

This is an interesting thread. I wasn't married but I had two children with my ex P. We separated and I'm so glad I wasn't married to him. I have more assets them him, I suspect I would have had to split them with him.

I now have a new partner - not really sure what I think. I do feel that marriage is essentially a financial arrangement. You don't need to get married to demonstrate your love for someone. I think that this isn't front of brain for many people when they get married.

Boolovessulley · 12/02/2017 16:49

Oh I came on here expecting to hear people saying because their oh was the love of their life and that ghey are so happy!!!
Didn't expect the amount of people saying for financial and legal reasons.

I actually think the world would be a better place if we could all afford to live independently, and not have to marry to be financially secure.

I think it's awful that people have to sacrifice and compromise, that's not happiness.

I also think marriage is outdated and so is monogamy. Vast numbers of men and women commit adultery yet we still sweat to be faithful to one person got the text of our lives.

A long time ago people died young so marriage fitted the social norms if the time. Staying faithful for 10 years is a lot easier than staying faithful got 60.

I still think the romantic notion is pushed by those who stand to gain.
Also there ' s been a rapid increase in baby showers and baby reveal parties where people feel obliged to spend cash.
I'm wondering if this is in response to falling wedding sales.

user1483972886 · 12/02/2017 16:57

I'm on my 2nd marriage OP so I know where you are ;-). I would encourage you to go to couple counselling to see if you can move forward together. Good luck

Gildedcage · 12/02/2017 17:06

I married because we were in love. We are happy and still love each other. We've definitely had our moments but there is still a lot of love between us. We married well before we had children and we would still be married even if we hadn't had them. Obviously none of us know what's ahead of us but if anything were to happen I wouldn't remarry, not because it hasn't been lovely but because now I feel I'd have too much to lose and I'd be inclined to just have a LTR without living together.

PurpleTraitor · 12/02/2017 17:06

Threads like this are always the same, with a whole load of people saying why would you not want to protect yourself a long term relationship, and you should just get married to ensure you and your Dcs future.

Problem is that makes massive, massive assumptions about finances, lifestyles, divisions of income etc. And never seems to take into account the costs of divorce.

I'm protecting myself and my children legally. I do that by not being married to the person I've spent the last 15 years with.

NecklessMumster · 12/02/2017 17:17

17 years together, 2 kids, not married, got wills, joint mortgage,both work, both nominated for each others pensions, how much better financially/legally would I be if we were married? Cos I've never wanted to be married and not sure of the benefits bit but might if I was convinced

ithakabythesea · 12/02/2017 17:28

Oh I came on here expecting to hear people saying because their oh was the love of their life and that ghey are so happy!!!

Well, I will say it. I married fairly young, so no thoughts of future children or financial/legal stuff. I married purely because I was utterly in love and wanted to spend my life with him. 24 years later, I still am and I still do Smile

ravenmum · 12/02/2017 17:38

"Marriage does work, you just have to chose wisely first"
I'm sure it wasn't meant that way, but I cringe at comments like this as to me they sound like "You made an unwise choice, should have been smarter" ... I had a good 20 years of what seemed to be a good relationship, I'm not going to write that off entirely as an unwise choice just because we split up later.

As to the original question, well, people don't avoid unhappy relationships or bad breakups by avoiding marriage.

PolarBearGoingSomewhere · 12/02/2017 17:41

I got married young (I had just turned 21). I was so excited to marry DH; he didn't have a family and I was proud and happy to become his next-of-kin and for us to be a unit, both in terms of how we felt about each other but also legally. Our wedding cost around £5k including a church wedding, outfits for 5 groomsmen and 2 bridesmaids, a 3 course meal and wine for 80 and evening do with buffet for 110. Weddings don't have to be expensive and we could have spent a lot less if money was tight. 8 years on we are still so very happy and raising our 3 girls together. We laugh every day. Once you're married, you don't have to think about it or behave a certain way, but it brings valuable rights (and responsibilities!) which, to me, are the essence of a true commitment.

bert3400 · 12/02/2017 17:45

I had been with my DP for 15 years ... very happy with that sutuation but we had two kids together and I wanted the same name as them . Weirdly been married for over 2 years now and I've only changed Facebook ! . Still find it weird to be called the wife

Riversleep · 12/02/2017 17:57

neckless to quote the Daily Mail, what's the value of your house? Think the only difference would be the transferrable inheritance tax threshold. But that only matters if your estate individually is worth more than the threshold. The problem is when people dont have wills etc in place, then complain that they thought they were common law husband/wives when it doesn't exist. Some people are strung along by one party who knows full well the protection that marriage gives. That's why they don't do all the things you have done.

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