why do people want to get married

[juswonderin]

Looks like most marriage are unhappy. What's the point of marriage? For kids? Why can't they be raised to be happy, healthy adults by single unmarried parents? Do you think when kids grow up (next 20-30 years), marriage will be as important in society as it is now?

I am just very fed up with my own problems and was wondering what's the point? I was a happy person once. Sorry for the rant.

If either of you is a SAHP it covers your back

I don't agree that it really does. It depends entirely on the household finances.

Dp and I have been together for 19 years and are very happy. We're getting married this Summer in a registry office with our parents and siblings. No flowers, cars, fancy clothes etc, just us. The main reason is it's cheaper than getting a solicitor to deal with the finances! We don't own a hone, so no inheritance tax and don't have substantial savings but dp pays a lot into his pension and I want a piece of it should he die or leave. My sister wasn't married but had everything in joint names, when they split he ran up debts on their account and it has damaged her credit rating-marriage doesn't always make a difference, joint financial products does. Her ex did however build up a large pension pot (for tax reasons at the time)which has never been considered in the split as she isn't even entitled to know what it's worth.

River I think the woman in question won that case and has received part of her late partners pension.

I'm getting married this year because we want to, he is taking my name, we love each other and want the benefits it brings. My parents have been married for 42 years this year and that has not all been plain sailing, but I know it's not all about the good times, you do have to work through the tough times and accept each other's faults.

What's the point of marriage? For kids? Why can't they be raised to be happy, healthy adults by single unmarried parents?

You seem to be conflating single and unmarried there OP. They're not the same thing at all! People can and do have very committed relationships without marriage.

I would never have chosen to raise my children as single any more than I'd have chosen to live a childfree life as single- because I met someone I love very much and wouldn't be happy living without. Thus, no reason to be single. We married primarily because it felt right, which is influenced in no small part by coming from a culture where it's the pinnacle. But even had that not been the case, there's not a chance in hell I'd have been willing to have a man's children without the legal and financial protections of marriage, which are desirable to me.

In terms of the discussion about giving cohabitants more rights, I don't really like the way it's framed. Allocating cohabitants the rights and duties of marriage isn't just giving more rights, it's also taking some away. If you want a system like in eg Australia where cohabitants acquire the same status as married couples after a certain period, you're also taking from them the right to live together without having that status. Which is an important right, since not everyone wants the ramifications of marriage. You're basically saying that anyone who wants to eg leave all their assets to their children not their partner shouldn't be allowed to also cohabit. That is the removal of a right.

Dunno - never again!

Agree Violin

You can choose to marry, I hope they'll fix the law so heterosexuals can choose to CP, or you can choose to remain single, and people should continue to have that choice.

School SRE lessons really should cover the legal aspects of relationships, so that people can actively choose what they want with better knowledge and fewer myths about the rights that come with marriage/CP and which you don't get otherwise.

River she did win the case, but I'm really not sure why. Because he's been paying in to that pension throughout the 10 year relationship, but never once nominated her (as he could have done) as the beneficiary. (or have I only ready shoddy reporting?)

I got married when I was 19 and had my first child at 19. We have 3 children now and have been together for 30 years. I wanted a stable home and upbringing for my family, something that I never had, my parents divorced when I was a toddler. Its not all been plain sailing, we have arguments as do any couple and have been through some bad times but I think I found a gem when I met my DH. He is the one and only man that I have ever met that is kind and respectful and would never hurt me.

Sorry to hear about your problems, OP.

But the world is a varied place and people have all sorts of experiences and reasons for what they do.

In my extended family there is a definite correlation marriage-longterm happiness, cohabiting-less stable relationship, but I'm not stupid enough to believe that this is because marriage makes us happy. I think it's simply that those of us who did commit to marriage were already in relationships that were or had the potential to be steady.

Also, in the case of myself and db, they were relationships that required a lot of commitment, including one partner moving a long way: it would have been a risky thing to do if we had not already felt very sure. There were also in both cases immigration issues which made this a complete non-issue: either we got married or we waved good-bye.

I also think dh and I were very fortunate because we were both the children of happy marriage, my parents were the children of happy marriages, there was a lot there to see and learn from. Our expectations were high and I really believe that was a good thing. Reading Relationships I am often flabbergasted to see what low expectations some women have and how they seem to believe that they are single-handedly responsible for every atom of happiness in a relationship. That can't be right.

In any case, the fact that there are many happy marriages doesn't mean marriage/longterm relationship has to be the only way to go. I know plenty of happy children raised by single parents. And many women (and men) who only seem to come to life once they are out of an unhappy relationship.

Basically staying married gives h more chance if I die of getting custody of all four dc

Wouldn't the children go to the father if the mother were to die anyway?.

We got married because we very much love each other and want to be together for life. Like a PP, this is a one-off for me. I wouldn't get married again. It's not hard work at all if it's the right person. It does feel more secure emotionally, it's a commitment made publically and religiously which I never thought I would make. I love being married, it does feel different than living together.

I got married for around £100 including transport so no need to break the bank and plan a wedding.
For me it is a personal choice but there was no way I was going to have children, take mat leave, go part time, put my career on hold as I am doing without financial and legal protection for the future

Plus DH is the one. The best man I have even encountered and I like the idea of it

I am not religious and I did not have a wedding/ honeymoon..

I think it's mainly for tax & legal reasons.

Happily married here...hope my wife says the same!
When we first moved in together although we were in love it was still an experiment. We lived together in a rented flat, it seemed to work so we bought a house. The house was brought for manyour reasons, financial security as renting was a drain but also with an eye to the future for children. We lived in and worked on our house for a year and we decided that we would like to try for children. At this point I wanted to get married because I felt that this was a moment that things changed. Living together and buying a house were all pragmatic decisions as well as romantic but having children was an absolute commitment and I wanted both of is to soundly, resolutely and unambiguously commit. I think marriage represents that option to think and decide if you really want what follows. I also was kean for us all to have the same name though my wife latter opted to keep her name, I had no objection though her mum still addresses letters to mr/Mrs engineersthumb! I think marriage is hear to stay but I'm also happy that some people don't want to marry and that should not pose a problem to anyone either. I do think that marriage is a special status and that shodoesn't not be removed by afording the same rights to come cohabiting couples automatically. Some form of non-marriage declaration between cohabitees that confirms the same would be OK though...marriage by any other name will keep the lawyers in sports cars!

I'm - well yeah they should but two of them are not h's biological children and their father is a crap father.

I'm - well yeah they should but two of them are not h's biological children and their father is a crap father.

Oh right. Marriage in this situation is best then. I would definitely marry to keep DD's abusive dad away from her. With the right person of course.

Oh and the wedding was great! Church, sit down meal with 100 guests, great party and honeymoon under 4 Inc drinks! Avoid "wedding locations" they will put you into penury!

I don't think xp would want his dc if I died but I feel h would have better status re having them all with him if we stay married. That and the amount of parenting he has always done for all four of them.

He was a dick to me which is why we are separated, but he is a committed and stable father.

I got married last year after being together for 8 years. I grew up in a home with married parents and I admire them for sticking with each other through thick and thin. I love being married, it's just sealed the deal for us. Doesn't really answer your question but for me it was important. I think it's just a matter of personal choice.

Someone said to me once that marriage is relationship insurance for women. I don't agree or disagree.

I do believe that the vast majority of men have no interest in marriage and left to their own devices (no pressure, social expectations) would never initiate getting married.

Personally i find it insulting that I've spent the best 20 yrs of my life with dp & have 4 dc but he won't marry me.

If i die hes fucked!
Everything is in my name.
Infact his name isn't even on 2 of our dc birth certificates.... (whole other thread)

whole other thread
Where is the link?

Sorry you're feeling disillusioned OP. The longer I am on MN the more I realise how many truly useless men there are out there, and the more I respect the women who have had their children.

I'm afraid I went into marriage with barely any thought whatsoever. We just knew we loved each other at the time. Luckily I managed to find a good 'un and it has so far worked out ok, through money worries and infertility and family problems. I have been lucky.

Blue its so boring i couldn't be arsed to start a thread about it!

i waited 20 years then just thought sod it and we got wed last year. Arranged all in 6 weeks I was worried about all the legalities etc. I think i've made up my mind he is the one now

I sorted it all out dp just was happy to go along agree most men can't be arsed unless they have to

This is the pensions case:

www.supremecourt.uk/cases/docs/uksc-2014-0180-judgment.pdf

Very interesting one although I can't imagine what made him not bother nominating her when they were living together 10 years. That's exactly the sort of thing unmarried partners always get warned to check on when there are threads on here. She has had a lengthy nightmare because of it- he died in 2009, two days after they got engaged the poor woman!

They don't say this, but I wonder how significant it was that he'd never nominated anyone else, and also that there didn't seem to be anyone other than her whom he might reasonably expect to outlive him and want to be a beneficiacy. There's a lot in there about inactivity, and opting out of giving it to an unmarried partner not opting in. Would have looked very different if eg he'd had kids from a previous relationship.