My husband left me and I have no closure

[Bones2017]

My husband left me and my kids (7&3) 10 weeks ago. We've been together for 20 years since we were 18 yrs old and married for 5. It seemed out of the blue to me at the time but looking back now, things have been harder for a short while.
Since last summer he seemed distant. He'd sit in another room on his computer whilst I watched telly. He'd be late home from work most nights. I found porn on his computer. He was protective over his phone also. One morning he was getting a text from a woman and he explained it was a colleague letting him know she'd be late in. Maybe. There was impotence issues also which I put down to him starting to smoke again. I had asked a few times if we were ok and if he'd met someone but he always denied it and reassured me that he loved me.
There was times when I didn't know where his wages were going and I had to work extra to make ends meet. He took out Payday loans behind my back also.
So the night before he left, we had sex and it was different. He really pulled at my hair and he hurt me. When I fell asleep, he went through my phone and read some messages to friends that I'd written about some of my troubles with him. He then sat me down the next night and told me that there was no trust anymore. He said he needed some time out and would be leaving me. Of course I begged him to stay and thought it was all my fault. He was very angry with me.
2 weeks after leaving me, he was viewing places to rent. He wants me to stay in the house. Wants me to carry on as normal living the life we've built together whilst he has some space.
He's denied anyone else being involved twice since he left and has said he felt like he was in a rut. Poor excuse if you ask me. I feel lost. Don't know how to carry on in the house without him. Unsure about my future and how this is affecting my kids. My confidence and self worth is shattered.
But what's killing me is that I really don't feel like I have a valid reason for him leaving. He won't go to counselling. At least If I thought there was another woman, id have closure. But no. And I'm just so broken and lost.

sorry, long post

Thank you Pink. Yes, I've asked him about pensions and he's told me he opted out (not sure if that's true because he told me last year he'd opted back in). He's on a really good wage too.

I do love him but I do think I'll have to divorce him. I'm still recovering from the shock of all this. It's hard to come to terms with the possibility of someone else even now. He's only ever 'been with me' if you know what I mean.

He managed to put me on such a guilt trip in the beginning too. But I know the signs are there. Since he's left, every password has been changed that I knew of his. He's gone on complete lock down.

I'd never be able to forgive him if he'd emotionally attached to someone. If it was a one night thing & meant nothing, maybe. But he'd have to really prove that. And I have a name too. I suspect a specific person & she's married. So at the moment, I think he's trying to protect her. X

It's so hard isn't it. Life changing. Possibly self defining. My girls will want to know what happened one day I suppose. When I'm older and telling my girls as women what happened - will they understand? It's life changing. X

This is just a bad few days, it will get better.Him being in tears might have caused you to doubt yourself.

He would come back if he wanted to.He would tell you why he was upset with you.He doesn't want to resolve it.He may be genuinely sad it's ending but something or someone is pulling him away from you. It really is his loss and nothing to do with you.I think this pattern of behaviour (midlife crisis/runaway husband) is laid down in childhood and comes from an inability to be happy within.Some people are always seeking something new or differentband I personally think it relates to low emotional intelligence.

Many women in a similar position have felt the same, complete bewilderment and fear for the future so you are not alone.

I wish we could fast forward you to 2 years ahead.Your life will be good again.

A separation agreement isn't binding however does show intention and could be the basis for divorce when you are ready.Its not unreasonable for him to hand over the equity when you have small children.

His mum and dad had an awful marriage when he was younger. He's said loads that it affected him (he rebelled and tried to commit suicide).
He's said since leaving me that he didn't want us to be like them however they're still together and really happy now. So the childhood experiences might add up.
It's all just very sad. And I know him. And I know sadly that he will realise one day what he's done. I still feel protective of him in that respect. He's always been very looked after though too. He's a mummy's boy then I took over so to speak. X

That's pretty serious trying to end your life so he must have some emotional scars.Its awful for you watching him tear up your family but you are not likely to be the person he will listen to.This is the toughest part, your previous "best friend" won't talk with you.
I doubt he is seeking advice from anyone however as he might not want to be talked out of leaving.You mentioned him staying in his room at his mum's, don't assume it's depression but an avoidance technique.

What can you do tomorrow for yourself? Please try something other than giving to your children..Its important you take care of yourself as your children need you.You are the sensible, responsible parent.

Yeah I know. He tried to hang himself as a kid. He's definitely emotionally strange. In the beginning of our relationship (I'd say the first 10years pre kids) he was the affectionate one. And I mean very affectionate. But post kids - completely different story. Maybe I gave too much to the kids. I had PND with both and was on AD's with the second. He removed himself from it really and wasn't much support.
However, when we had the miscarriage when I was 4 months pregnant, he was very emotional and laid in bed with me for hours.
We've been through a lot. X

Strange might have been harsh. I didn't mean it in that context x

God! Now I feel like I'm slating him! Guilty again now. X

I might have all this completely wrong or completely right. I have no clue at the moment. If there's nobody else, I have to have faith that he'll find his way back. If he has, it's over. But I need to know. X

Bones- I may have missed this info in your thread, so apologies if you have already mentioned this. Do you have own family (you mention mil) for support? Your kiddies are still quite young- do you work? What about rl friends? I only ask as it is these things that keep me on the straight an narrow and stop me obsessing about the ifs and whats.

My family have been amazing I have to say. Although I did build my life in his family's area. I'm signed off from work at the moment. Due back mid march and actively wanting to get back. X

One thing I've realised is that I'll never let anyone in again. I'm completely done with men forever. If mine can do this, any man can. X

I totally understand how you feel, but listening to others in RL and on mumsnet who have been dealt this deck of cards like us was try not to think to far ahead and try to focus on the here and now.
So difficult to do as all your dreams for the future have been shattered and your trust in the person who you trusted in the world has totally betrayed you and your DC .
I couldn't get my head round that and to be honest I still find that part really difficult a year down the line.
The lies, deceit and betrayal seem surreal.
As for trusting another man or letting another man in your life , how you feel is natural and you need time to come to terms with this awful betrayal.
Not that I feel ready for another relationship yet and I am a lot older than you , but try not to focus on that for now as who knows what the untrue holds for any of us........
Just try to concentrate on today and small steps to being kind to yourself and seeking help and support from friends and family in RL and keep posting here.
Sending 🌺🌺 to you xxx

Thank you Clock,

I look forward to the day he finally admits what an awful mistake he's made. 😢

It really is his loss and nothing to do with you.I think this pattern of behaviour (midlife crisis/runaway husband) is laid down in childhood and comes from an inability to be happy within .Some people are always seeking something new or different and I personally think it relates to low emotional intelligence

This, absolutely this. H's dad died when he (H) was in his early 20s. He had spent several years helping his mum care for his dad during a long battle against cancer and was by his side when he died. H's mum understandably fell apart and his younger brother had to be sectioned so he had no choice but to be strong for everyone else and never got to grieve for his dad. It's incredibly sad and I honestly think it crippled him emotionally. He wants to cast aside the stresses and responsibilities that are an inevitable part of being a husband and father and be "happy" but the irony is that I don't believe he is even capable of experiencing true happiness.The adrenaline rush of a new-found fuckfest, yes, happiness, no.

I absolutely get where you're at Bones, the absolutely constant analysing, second guessing, questioning the validity of your entire relationship, it really is beyond horrific. To be honest I don't know whether I feel better or worse having found out about OW. Before I knew I too was wondering whether he was depressed / MLC, I was genuinely quite concerned for his mental health. Maybe that is a component in all that's happened, but ultimately, regardless of the reasons, he doesn't want me, he has moved on already. I am less than nothing to him and so, as impossible and intolerable as it feels right now I just have to take whatever baby steps I can manage to forging a happier future for my DC and I.

If you feel strongly that there's someone else, there almost certainly is. Please don't allow yourself to be his fallback option.

Well I had my suspicions since the summer actually. And it was then that things seemed to change. Especially the distance I felt. It's just all so very sad. I know this isn't him. It's tragic for my kids who love him dearly and keep asking why he doesn't live with us anymore. I don't know what to say to them.
I regularly google stories of reconciliation looking for sad hope. But I know what path I should take should my suspicions prove right. X

When he was telling me about getting a flat (2 weeks after leaving me), he was saying he wanted to move out of our area - apparently he's never liked it here! News to me after us being here for 12 years.
His mum says he's not in it yet though as of last week. X

Bones, XH said the same after living here for 12 years, and he moved here before he met me, that he had never liked it here, that it was too far from the city etc, but he was quite happy until he met OW, then suddenly he had to live where she lived.....

It's amazing how many of the same cliches these men trot out. Oh well, at least he won't mind if you move out of the area will he, he will understand because he doesn't like it either... .

Something like this IS a life changing event. Everyone handles things differently, but I know that I will never be the same person that I was. Something inside me died, a little part of me, and I don't think I will ever see life the same way again. I will never trust anyone either. I'm not looking for anyone , if I meet someone I do, if I don't I don't!

BUT most people do go on to meet someone and be happy or happier even, so you can't write it off, it is still very early days for you and once you are through all of this, I am sure you will meet somebody and be happy again.

Everything about this does scream OW to those of us who have been there, but it does sound like he has some mental issues too. But if he won't seek help and he is not with you then he doesn't deserve your concern.

H left me for 6 months 18 months ago, it came as a total bolt out of the blue for me and happened during a hugely stressful period for both of us, AFAIK (although I could of course be wrong) there was no one else involved at that time. I, as you are now, was desperate to salvage our relationship and we spent months (and a fortune) attending Relate.

He came back for just over a year, I genuinely thought we were fine, but it appears in retrospect that I was a mere stopgap and he had had one foot out the door the entire time, including actively pursuing OW for the last few months while keeping up the charade of being a loving husband and father at home.

Whilst I wanted him to come home more than anything during our period of separation I now wish to god he hadn't. Me and DC could be a year down the line now, with the practicalities sorted and starting to look forward to a brighter future. Instead he's callously strung us all along for a year and now, once again, we're left emotionally reeling and struggling to pick up the broken pieces of our lives that he's left in his wake.

I guess the moral of the story is; Be careful what you wish for x

Oh you're all so very supportive and I have nothing but thanks & 😘 for you all. It's hard not to doubt yourself and how you're feeling and what you suspect isn't it? Anyone who's not been through this simply cannot imagine the complete devastation these men cause. It's so hard. My life now is my beautiful girls. And I'll push on for them.
Looking back, he probably checked out long before D-day. And then created a storm to enable his exit in the few months prior.
I know what we built up here was a good thing. And I know that the family we have a beautiful so it's really his loss and HE WILL realise what he's done one day.

I read somewhere a bloke saying that the only time a man like this might realise his mistake is when he's holed up with OW and the reality hits. When the honeymoon period is over.
Hopefully by then I'll be in such a better place. X

And also, my husband did leave me for a week in August before coming back after me pleading. Strange isn't it? The similarities in our stories x

XH left for 4 days, came back after I begged him and we had talked for hours, but said he couldn't promise anything. Stayed for 6 weeks, during which time he was in constant contact with OW without me knowing, except he started to talk about her all the time, started to hide his phone etc, yet I was still so bloody trusting that I didn't see it at the time!

The second time he left, everyone on MN told me don't beg him, he's gone and he won't come back, it's OW, and I just couldn't believe them, they all said, this won't end well and it didn't. But even then, nobody said I told you so, everyone on here was brilliant and supportive most people

When mine came back in august I remember crumbling in his arms saying that it couldn't happen again. He'd destroyed me then and done it ten fold now. But he never really tried after coming back either. We could've been married to the same man! X