My husband left me and I have no closure

[Bones2017]

My husband left me and my kids (7&3) 10 weeks ago. We've been together for 20 years since we were 18 yrs old and married for 5. It seemed out of the blue to me at the time but looking back now, things have been harder for a short while.
Since last summer he seemed distant. He'd sit in another room on his computer whilst I watched telly. He'd be late home from work most nights. I found porn on his computer. He was protective over his phone also. One morning he was getting a text from a woman and he explained it was a colleague letting him know she'd be late in. Maybe. There was impotence issues also which I put down to him starting to smoke again. I had asked a few times if we were ok and if he'd met someone but he always denied it and reassured me that he loved me.
There was times when I didn't know where his wages were going and I had to work extra to make ends meet. He took out Payday loans behind my back also.
So the night before he left, we had sex and it was different. He really pulled at my hair and he hurt me. When I fell asleep, he went through my phone and read some messages to friends that I'd written about some of my troubles with him. He then sat me down the next night and told me that there was no trust anymore. He said he needed some time out and would be leaving me. Of course I begged him to stay and thought it was all my fault. He was very angry with me.
2 weeks after leaving me, he was viewing places to rent. He wants me to stay in the house. Wants me to carry on as normal living the life we've built together whilst he has some space.
He's denied anyone else being involved twice since he left and has said he felt like he was in a rut. Poor excuse if you ask me. I feel lost. Don't know how to carry on in the house without him. Unsure about my future and how this is affecting my kids. My confidence and self worth is shattered.
But what's killing me is that I really don't feel like I have a valid reason for him leaving. He won't go to counselling. At least If I thought there was another woman, id have closure. But no. And I'm just so broken and lost.

Just got my closure 😢

He's been having some kind of affair since the summer with suspected OW. His mobile phone records confirm it. Whilst I've been working at night he's been ringing her at all hours during the night.

Now at least I know. Not told him I know though yet.
It's definitely over then. 💔😢

I am so sorry but at least you now have the truth, He is a lying scumbag and will continue to deny it now even with proof.

so sorry bones. I had 100% confirmation by mobile phone bills myself, thousands of texts to OW, even then I tried to tell myself it was innocent, because she was married to his mate! XH claimed that they were just "supporting each other", well they supported each other so well that they are now together with their child .

It is a shock, a terrible shock, but it now gives you a reason, something hopefully that will stop you blaming yourself. He may blame the affair on you for whatever reason, but he is a grownup who chose to do this rather than talk to you and end things first. But the truth is they never do want to end things, they only want to end them after they meet OW.

Once they start to get feelings for OW, those feelings start to wash away the feelings for their partner because OW is shiny and new and the grass is greener.

Except it isn't always greener and sometimes they discover that too late.

If she is married then consider telling her husband. I didn't straight away and by the time I did, he didn't believe me, so I wish I had done it a lot earlier.

for you. Keep on posting for support. x

I'm so sorry, how predictable it seems to be.

It's truly like a script as so similar to what others have gone through.Its a sign of someone who doesn't know what makes them happy, they are seeking the newness of a different relationship, rather than valuing the stability of a mature relationship.
I believe he will regret it.

Affairs are built on deceit so aren't a good foundation for most relationships.

Consider if you keep the news to yourself until you work out finances.

If you tell the husband it may end their fling but would you really have him back?

No I won't tell the husband yet. I'm gonna take a few days to mull this over. Talk it over with my parents and see what my options are. If I tell him I know, his generosity might disappear
Need to think this through. X

So sorry to hear you the awful news Bones.
I got goosebumps when I read your post.
It is awful when you actually get confirmation of your suspicions.
But in another way at least you know now and now ledge does give you some power and control of the situation instead of running around in circles .
You need time now to absorb the news and decide what you want from this.
When I confronted my twat with the evidence he still denied and kept denying.
I couldn't believe what a coward he was and how he couldn't own up to his actions.
Be ready that he may still deny it all.
Yes sit back with your family and sort out what is best for you and DC.
Knowledge gives you back some control I found as much as it hurt to know the truth.
Keep posting on here
Thinking of you 💗

Just read this whole thread. I was you a few years ago, just without DC. I couldn’t imagine life without him. I am so much happier now though. It does take us women time though. Don't rush these feelings. You'll be stronger the other side, whenever that is

You will get there. Awful as it is finding this affair out, you now have your closure. See that solicitor, and start preparing for your future without him. Wishing you love and luck

Thank you so much ladies. X

Bones, I've been waiting for you to post about the OW appearing, and sadly you have. It is all so bloody predictable, if it wasn't so awful it would be funny. They think they're all so unique...
You absolutely must say nothing. As pp said, knowledge is power.

No more 'I feel guilty' talk my love, quit that right now. Men like this will do anything to avoid the guilt and responsibility they should feel, Rather than 'own' his appalling behaviour, he will, if he's anything like my ex and countless other cowardly twunts, tell people that he had no choice because you made him unhappy. Ignore this, don't even dignify it with a response. My ex told anyone who listened that I was controlling, weak, paranoid, a fruit loop, possessive... you name it, I was it. Anything rather than admit that his head was turned and he cheated. Remember, he chose to cheat. Nothing you did prompted it. I ignored ex's comments, and everyone made up their own minds, they saw a strong capable woman who put herself first.

Get legal advice. Get copies of all important documents. Get a chain on the door and keep the doors locked with keys in so he can't just wander in.

And please, from somewhere get angry. Harness that anger into a plan. Don't be rash, be cool, take your time.

Lean on people you trust. Go minimum contact with him, He is not your friend, agree to nothing regarding separating, be evasive.

I got through similar, so did others, you can too, but you need to detach, keep your head, and I'll say it again, remember, he is not your friend.
xx

Isn't it funny that exactly what he accused me of via my phone is what he's guilty of? Coward. X

And probably more. X

I forgot to preview my last post ladies so some spelling errors. Sorry.
Cary2012, your last post is Spot on 😘
It was exactly what I needed to hear last year when I found out about the OW. I felt it was all my fault and it was something I did to make him walk away from us.
Mine fed everyone what Cary said in her post !!!! that I made him unhappy, I was a fruit loop Blah blah .........they are so predictable

I hope cary's post will help you through this harrowing time Bones.
Keep reading it when despair kicks in.
They will try to defer all the responsibilities away from their selfish deluded behaviour.
Yes get legal advice , keep contact to the bare minimum, it reallly helps with your recovery.
It's a really tough road that you face, but the more knowledge you have regarding legal and financial information the more you start to claw back control.
Be kind to yourself, try to eat when you can, talk it other with family and friends.
❤❤

It's horrible. The usual thoughts are creeping in now. Was he sleeping with both of us? Was she better? God it's just so awful.
I want to scream from the rooftops that I know. But I need to see a solicitor asap. X

Thanks Clockwork, I'm sorry you went through similar and hope you are now healing.

Thing that took me a long time to understand is that these men are cowards. They delude themselves into believing that they have a right to an affair. If they saw what they do honestly, without the blinkers on, the enormity would shake them to their rotten cores, So, they blame us, to minimise their guilt and justify their behaviour. Ex twunt told our kids 'I had to leave your mum, I would have had a breakdown if I stayed with her". Total crap, he knew it, they knew it, I knew it. But it justified him emotionally throwing us under a bus.

Also, mine had, and others had, OWs onside. My ex's OW bolstered his justifications, they fed off each other, (she walked out on her husband and kids for twunt), therefore they both felt huge guilt but couldn't face owning it.

If my ex had the balls to own his behaviour, I might have an ounce of respect for him.

These men care terribly what people think: OWs feed their rotten egos and tell them what they want to hear. When ex's best mate flipped at him for what he'd done, ex then defended his actions by telling him lies about me. They can't bear the truth, they can't face it, so they rewrite history.

Ignore it, keep strong, people, everyone will know the truth. And deep down, so do they.

Cary , yes you are so right, they all say the same rubbish to justify their actions.
Lie after lie . My children are teenagers and have made their own decision to have little to do with him.
They are so hurt but again he said I have poisoned their minds even though he made little time for them when he left.
My daughter cried every night for two months when he left and refuses to see him now.
Bones, yes the doubts and the why's of when the affair started , what has she got that I haven't will all kick in....is she better etc.
I could say try not to think about that but you will, its only natural.
What I did, was find the information you need to know about her and once I knew her age ,whether she had children etc, stopped looking and after awhile just thought what a desperate immoral woman she must be.
OW is single, no children and a good ten years younger than my STBXH.
What would she see in him, a wrinkly old twunt with three teenagers. Oh yes it could be that she's interested in his big pension as well😳😳
He don't see that though, he thinks it's because he's George clooney 😂😂
She must be a flawed character as most women I know wouldn't touch a married man with kids etc.
What a prize these women have caught,🤔
Hard as it is, try to focus on you and your DC and ensuring that you get the best outcome of the sorry mess HE HAS CAUSED!!!!
Take care ❤❤

Lesson learnt- ALWAYS trust your instinct x

Clockwork, were we married to the same twunt? No, it can't be so, there can't be two of them, God wouldn't be so cruel...our youngest DS, has little to do with his dad. This is naturally my fault according to ex. I "turned youngest DS against him". Despite me constantly encouraging DS to have contact, it is my fault. Nothing to do with DS being second best to OWs kids, nor being let down at the last minute. DS spent last week in hospital, did his dad visit him? Did he fuck...but that's ok...

And you're right Bones, trust your instincts. Ignore those gut feelings at your peril. Keep strong xx

Yes Cary , it sounds like we married the same type of spineless twat.
They are unbelievably shallow.
It is shocking how they can turn their emotions off from their children and focus so much on trying to impress some OW.
While their children are struggling with the fallout of their father abandoning them.
Oh silly me, I'm wrong again, they only abandoned us not our children. What twaddle🙄
How despicable that your ex didn't visit your son in hospital. How old our your children now.
You honestly couldn't make it up .
Bones , yes our gut instinct is always right.
My friends have said, how did you know that he was having an affair.
I couldn't describe it in words, I just said to them " I just knew".
I had to wait till he left to find out the what's, who etc as the twunt denied and denied but I just KNEW.
I am so sorry that you have had to join so many of us other women that have found about their husbands seedy affairs.
Please just focus on doing a few things each day and don't look to far into the future. Xx

Well I hope karma gets them. Well and truly. Devastating for so many people including extended family. Lies, hiding, excitement? I hope it was all worth it hubby once I'm done with you now! X

Oh Bones, I'm so sorry. What a seedy, spineless shit he is, and making you think it's your fault - which of course it blatantly isn't.

What the fuck is wrong with them all.

He's tarnished everything. He's been talking to her on the phone while I've been at work at night and my kids have been sleeping in the next room. Amazing dad. I think not. Gonna try to keep my cool for now. Take a few days to process this then decide how to proceed.
Heartbreaking though truly. Just so awful. X

Woke up feeling crushed again. Like I've taken a giant leap backwards. At least the last 6 months was a complete lie I was living. 💔

The mornings can be so difficult Bones.
You wake and you feel like you are hit by a bus as the reality hits you.
Do you work Bones?
I had to take some time off from work as I couldn't cope with it.
Yes you will feel crushed, the pain is like a physical pain.
Can you spend some time with anyone today. Have you any plans for today.
Did you manage to speak to your parents last night.
Try and drink some sweet tea to give you some energy.
Just try to take baby steps at the moment.
I found trying to get some counselling early on helped me to internalise the shock of what has happened.
You will go through a rollercoaster of emotions and this isn't going to be easy.
Keep reaching out to your friends and we are all here for you too.
Xxx

I know exactly how you feel.

But even though you might've taken a leap backwards in an emotional sense at least now you know. And knowledge, as they say, is power.

You've done amazingly well in staying calm and keeping your powder dry. Now you're no longer stuck in some horrible kind of limbo and don't have to expend all of your energy trying to understand "Why?" use this time to get your ducks in a row. Can you call some solicitors today? Book in some free half hours? I instructed one yesterday and even though I'm utterly dreading the possible financial outcome for DC and I, at the same time I feel a tiny bit better just to have taken a positive step forward.

Take it easy today, minute by minute. We WILL get through this. Feel free to PM, no real advice but I can certainly empathise.