My husband left me and I have no closure

[Bones2017]

My husband left me and my kids (7&3) 10 weeks ago. We've been together for 20 years since we were 18 yrs old and married for 5. It seemed out of the blue to me at the time but looking back now, things have been harder for a short while.
Since last summer he seemed distant. He'd sit in another room on his computer whilst I watched telly. He'd be late home from work most nights. I found porn on his computer. He was protective over his phone also. One morning he was getting a text from a woman and he explained it was a colleague letting him know she'd be late in. Maybe. There was impotence issues also which I put down to him starting to smoke again. I had asked a few times if we were ok and if he'd met someone but he always denied it and reassured me that he loved me.
There was times when I didn't know where his wages were going and I had to work extra to make ends meet. He took out Payday loans behind my back also.
So the night before he left, we had sex and it was different. He really pulled at my hair and he hurt me. When I fell asleep, he went through my phone and read some messages to friends that I'd written about some of my troubles with him. He then sat me down the next night and told me that there was no trust anymore. He said he needed some time out and would be leaving me. Of course I begged him to stay and thought it was all my fault. He was very angry with me.
2 weeks after leaving me, he was viewing places to rent. He wants me to stay in the house. Wants me to carry on as normal living the life we've built together whilst he has some space.
He's denied anyone else being involved twice since he left and has said he felt like he was in a rut. Poor excuse if you ask me. I feel lost. Don't know how to carry on in the house without him. Unsure about my future and how this is affecting my kids. My confidence and self worth is shattered.
But what's killing me is that I really don't feel like I have a valid reason for him leaving. He won't go to counselling. At least If I thought there was another woman, id have closure. But no. And I'm just so broken and lost.

His main reason for him leaving is that he felt in a rut. And I can't accept that. Almost like I don't believe that's the real reason. Everyone gets into ruts with young kids. I felt like I had him on a rope trying to pull him back in since the summer. I felt like I was trying.
I know he didn't treat me well. I've wondered if he's depressed and blamed the marriage. Even a one night stand I think I'd be willing to work on. But I need to have that choice.
I feel powerless and worthless. X

If he did feel in a rut, is that your fault? Or something that he could have done something about?

Whatever the reason was, does it excuse him just upping and leaving, as if any problem is 100% your fault and he has no reason to attempt to improve things?

If he was depressed example, did he get treatment? If he thought it was because of the marriage, did he try to improve the marriage?

He chose to leave rather than tell you what the problem was, so you could even attempt to fix it (let alone him trying to fix it). How exactly is him leaving your fault? I don't see it.

Yes, you were powerless, same as anyone else; no-one can make that horse drink. But how does his shitty behaviour make you worthless? He might be acting like you are worthless, but why are you lapping up his shitty attitude like he's right? Is he a saint?

Hope you can channel the anger soon! Much better than the misery stage.

Yes hopefully I will get angry soon. Because this is the single worst thing that's ever happened to me. I love him so much but he's gone. It's like a death. But he's there. It's a crazy ride. X

And I don't feel there's anyone else for me. I feel like he is my soul mate. If I can't be with my husband, I never want another relationship again. X

Better than running out and getting into a dodgy relationship on the rebound, to be frank. No comfort, I know!

Speak to people, see the doctor when you need to, be kind to yourself. Get food you like and eat it even if you are not hungry, you need the energy. Time really does help. I didn't think I'd be in the position I am now, where I feel like I've grown from the experience and am now in a better place than before.

Treat it like business now. Split everything 50/50

Bones, initially I was hoping stbxh would have regret however his behaviour since has made me realise that he has changed (or that his feelings changed towards me) forever. I now don't want to see him at all.

Please get the separation in some formal agreement especially if he is being generous.It's likely not to last.My stbxh has decided he doesn't care if I have nothing.It's all about him and his lifestyle.
I truly would not have believed it to be possible.

When you get negative feelings try to practice letting go, saying it out loud will help.
I know it's so tough but it will get better.

I've heard that a legal separation order isn't actually enforceable by law though. And I just haven't got the money for divorce. He's said he would pay for the separation order and would see a solicitor with that in mind but I've heard nothing now since Wednesday. X

He left after dropping the kids off tonight in tears again. I'm wondering all kinds. Is it debt (payday loans), is it gambling, a one night stand. Could be anything.
I text him asking if he thought he should see the GP in case he's depressed but he's said no and that he's ok
My heads wrecked x

Oh BonesX My husband also cries most of the times he comes round for the kids. I say comes round for the kids, but he usually ends up hanging around me and winding me up. It does my head in and messes with my head. Although I'm paying the mortgage now, he says it's still his house as well (I guess it is) so I can't force him to stay out the house.
I've put the house on the market and my new house will be mine.
I have come to the conclusion that its all about control. He doesn't want to be with me- but doesn't want me to move on either. I think he would quite like to have this part time family scenario and basically have his cake and eat it. I think your husband sounds very much the same.

I just don't know the truth Julia and that's so heartbreaking. The girl I suspect is also married. And I think he's at his mums waiting for his flat so that when he gets it, she'll end her marriage and they can be together. That's a theory. Not fact. But could be likely. I was silly to text him after he left. He made it all about hurting for the kids and stuff. And me being soft, told him I'm here if he wants to talk. I feel so pathetic. I just want the truth so I can move forward. X

How do you move forward? I feel like every day I'm just waiting. Waiting. Waiting. Waiting for an answer. Waiting for him to realise he's made an awful mistake. Waiting to be happy.
I go through the motions - school runs, swimming, brownies etc etc
But I'm always under a black cloud. I feel dark and unwanted. I know it'll be just me and the kids for the rest of my life now. X

Bones, I wish my old threads were still on here as I would point you in that direction as I had so much good advice.

I wrote so many of the same things that you have. XH just announced out of nowhere that he didn't want to be here any more so I told him to go. Then we talked and I begged him to come back, said we could fix it, tried to fix all my "faults" , tried to be the perfect wife. All the time he was back he was in contact with OW. He never gave it a proper chance. But I was desperate and would have done anything.

I did have counselling for PTSD, and practicing mindfulness helped a lot. But I was traumatised for a very long time. I was on AD's for a year and counselling for a lot longer.

Don't beg him to try again because he's not going to listen. If he wanted to he would, as someone said. Don't want to be harsh but it's true.

I understand how you feel though, you want to do anything you can to fix this but sadly some things can't be fixed.

It took me a very long time to get over things. Don't be me. Be strong, keep yourself busy, sort out the legal side. build yourself back up again.

If I knew for sure that there was someone else, I feel that would be my spring board to moving on. At the moment I feel a lot of guilt and keep thinking that it's me that should've done things better and I really wish I hadn't ranted on my phone about him.
I'd have never thought that my husband was the kind of man who'd cheat on me. However I did have my suspicions in the last 5-6 months. I started snooping and I'm worried that I was actually wrong and that I've destroyed the trust between us.
I can't help feeling like it's either all my fault, or I was right all the long. X

XH denied OW and drove me insane, if he had admitted it, it would have been easier in a way but instead blamed me for everything which tore me apart.

They have to absolve themselves of guilt and that's the only way they can. My counsellor went through all my so called faults with me and told me to own the ones that were true and throw away the rest. His problems, not mine.

There may not be OW in your case, only time will tell, but either way you need to build yourself up without him.

If there isn't an OW, I'd be more devastated because then I know it was me that drove him away. X

This is turning out to be a really bad week. I cried myself to sleep last night with an ache in my chest. I can't fathom why this is how it is. I'm really struggling to cope.
How do I make decisions when I'm like this. He's screwing me over emotionally, financially whilst not really telling me anything. I'm abandoned and discarded. As are my kids. I'm being forced to reduce my work hours so doubt I'll be able to keep my house. I may have to move back in with my parents. This is all so completely awful. X

Have you got your finances in order? Do you claim WTC? Are you getting the council tax discount? Is he paying enough maintenance?

Can you remortgage? You could see a financial advisor for advice. Some will include WTC and maintenance as income.

We've agreed between us on maintenance for the kids. He said I can have the house equity so he doesn't have to help with the mortgage. Nothing has been done legally yet x

Agree to nothing until you have been given advice.
Is he paying you the correct amount of maintenance?
Is the equity in the house enough to allow him to walk away without paying the mortgage?
Are there any other options?

He's paying me about £60 more than CSA advise on the website. Think there's about £35k equity in the house. X

I keep hoping he's in some kind of depression or midlife crisis. It's got to be that or a woman or he'd never have done this x

Do either of you have pensions?
Have you got anything that you have agreed in writing- otherwise he may change his mind re house finances etc If or When the OW comes to light and his finances are not so good.

I know I need something. I'm planning a legal separation (don't feel ready for divorce but still might). I need to sell my car to pay for it though. All the legal financial stuff will be done during that. X

A friend of mine who is an accountant, advised me that it would be better to own the house outright now, and received less maintenance, that it is better in the long run, but of course you have to be able to survive financially in the meantime and I needed the maintenance, little though it was!. I was lucky, XH walked away from the equity as it was all mine before I met him, and he did the decent thing only decent thing he did do. and in my case, the solicitor was right, get him now, while he is saying these things and get it all tied up legally. When he changes his mind, he will fight you in the courts for every penny.

Your H can sign a deed that signs the ownership of the house over to you once his name is off the mortgage.

If he is paying more than CSA for now then let it go, but if he drops it below, then get straight on to the CSA.

As inlectorecumbit says do you have pensions? You could be entitled to a claim on his and vice versa. It is far better to get the financial side of things tied up as soon as possible, but if you feel that you cannot face divorce then that is your decision. I had to for financial reasons and XH's history of debt problems, but it was awful divorcing a man that I still loved, having thought we were happy only a couple of months earlier. It is not easy, but it had to be done, and I forged ahead with it with the support of MN and my family. I didn't want a divorce but I knew he was gone and I had to end it asap.

Bones you sound so much like I was. I couldn't believe that my loving husband could just leave me, I couldn't believe that he would ever leave his daughter who he claimed to adore. I never ever thought that he would cheat on me in a million years. I thought he must be mentally ill or having a mid life crisis. I think it was a MLC, falling for a woman 17 years younger than himself, what else could it be.

You will get through this. You will have your dark days, but if you could have read my threads, you would see how desperate I was 5 years ago, and how much I have come on since then. You are allowed to feel sad, and to grieve, of course you are, but don't waste your time on him.

Carry on sorting out your own life. He may change his mind in a few months, who knows, but by then you probably wouldn't want to know any way as you will be in a different place and see things differently, so carry on doing things for you now.