My husband left me and I have no closure

[Bones2017]

My husband left me and my kids (7&3) 10 weeks ago. We've been together for 20 years since we were 18 yrs old and married for 5. It seemed out of the blue to me at the time but looking back now, things have been harder for a short while.
Since last summer he seemed distant. He'd sit in another room on his computer whilst I watched telly. He'd be late home from work most nights. I found porn on his computer. He was protective over his phone also. One morning he was getting a text from a woman and he explained it was a colleague letting him know she'd be late in. Maybe. There was impotence issues also which I put down to him starting to smoke again. I had asked a few times if we were ok and if he'd met someone but he always denied it and reassured me that he loved me.
There was times when I didn't know where his wages were going and I had to work extra to make ends meet. He took out Payday loans behind my back also.
So the night before he left, we had sex and it was different. He really pulled at my hair and he hurt me. When I fell asleep, he went through my phone and read some messages to friends that I'd written about some of my troubles with him. He then sat me down the next night and told me that there was no trust anymore. He said he needed some time out and would be leaving me. Of course I begged him to stay and thought it was all my fault. He was very angry with me.
2 weeks after leaving me, he was viewing places to rent. He wants me to stay in the house. Wants me to carry on as normal living the life we've built together whilst he has some space.
He's denied anyone else being involved twice since he left and has said he felt like he was in a rut. Poor excuse if you ask me. I feel lost. Don't know how to carry on in the house without him. Unsure about my future and how this is affecting my kids. My confidence and self worth is shattered.
But what's killing me is that I really don't feel like I have a valid reason for him leaving. He won't go to counselling. At least If I thought there was another woman, id have closure. But no. And I'm just so broken and lost.

And, hard as it is, every time you find yourself focussing on him and what he might be doing, please try to put that focus back on yourself. Become selfish. Very selfish. It is hard at first. In your weak moments, vent to a supportive relative or friend or on here.

Well I've rid of him off my Instagram and he's not on Facebook (actively anyway although I know he has an account with no activity). I'm keeping minimal contact only. And I am starting to feel better. I'm just plodding through each day but it's hard when I look back on my whole adult life and know that he was by my side. I know I'll get there. It's just a gonna take time I suppose. X

Get anything legal signed and sorted asap. My solicitor said get him now while he feels guilty so I was divorced within six months due to his history of getting into debt.

The solicitor was right, if I'd waited the two years, by then OW was demanding thousands from her husband and XH would have done the same to me.

So get that paperwork sorted and get him off the mortgage, deeds etc asap.

Keep strong, you're doing really well and getting great support and help here.

Mine didn't feel guilty, he was just furious that I'd found him out and "made" him look bad, so unable to discuss anything sensibly. Was trying to control everything - refused to sort out maintenance through normal channels and wanted to arrange it himself, for instance. In our case it was better to wait. He's calmed down a good bit now and slightly less resistant to my ideas.

I'd put big money on an OW, It's such a cliche, your DH is followibg script perfectly. I swear there's a handbook somewhere! This is NOT about you, it's about him having his head turned. What a bloody idiot. This is your reality OP, your H had been cheating on you, get angry! Block him out as much as possible, do not do the pick me dance and start disconnecting, show him the repercussions of his terrible behaviour, what a cock.

I'm starting a to resign myself to the strong possibility that there is or was an OW. He's changed from being angry and dismissive of me to being nice and trying to help. His family are being the same offering me help. Guilt maybe

He's also offered to waive any equity to the house too via a separation agreement. X

I've just dropped my youngest off at his mums and She got upset again wanting to stay with me. Cutting a long story short his mum said she's also at such a loss with Dh at the minute. She says he's not in his flat yet and that he seems to come in from work and then sit upstairs on his computer. She said he's never stayed out overnight. She's worried about him coping in the flat. She said she'd tell me if she knew anything and that she loves me very much. I said the not knowing is worse than anything. I said if only I had a reason then I could move on. Debt, depression or even a one night stand I said we could've sorted and I'd have been willing to in the beginning. But now that so much damage has been done I couldn't.

My mum has said that if he's not in his flat yet then where is all his wages going (he brings in £2.5k a month) this month that he has to reduce what he agreed to give? Maybe it is debt that I don't know about and not another woman. But I have no clue and he's not giving me the chance to decide

Really low day today. Don't even want to be with anyone for support. Been to my mums then drove back to be on my own. Feeling very sad, guilty, lonely, abandoned and deserted.

This is horrible x

Yes, it's horrible feeling but it does get better.
What can you do tonight to take care of yourself?

Bones, reading your original post read just like my own experience. I have days where I feel really good and actually think stuff closure. Then I have other days where I kid myself-and make mental excuses for his behaviour, and think some kind of miracle magic wand will make it all disappear. Then i have other days where I just feel resigned to it all and if my so called best friend can do this to me,then really what's the point? Together for over 20 years, last 2 years of marriage just a struggle, now 4 months after split.
I don't have any answers for you-just sympathy x

Thanks ladies. Was thinking that on Tuesday, when I know he's not got the kids, I'd ask him to meet me on neutral ground to discuss 'us'
One last try?
I hope and think it's worth a try?

I love him so much. I have to fix this x

If you need to meet him then it may help you know it's over. Be prepared for a negative as the sad fact is if he wanted to be home he would be making contact.

I feel for you.I can't believe my stbxh is the same man from my wedding day but I am slowly adjusting to the fact the good man has gone.
My ex is behaving dreadfully over finances and I still feel maybe "we" could sort it out but that's not the reality.

If he is offering a good settlement please take it now.My ex is now out tof get everything.

I know it's hard butif things have been rubbish since last summer-is one last try going to change anything?

Believe me,I constantly kid myself my husband will experience some sort of epiphany and change back to the man I married. I too wish I could fix things, but I will never be able to "undo"what has been done and what it means that he did them.

I have had various "put your cards on the table conversations" What he says changes each time-and it never makes any sense.

It dawned on me- if I love him so much despite all the shitty things he's done to me-he really can't love me if he has such difficulty figuring things out-whatever it is. So really, does it even matter?

Bones ' I've read your thread and it's absolutely devastating how your husband has treated you. I'd worry that by asking to meet him for 'one last try' that you will seem desperate. You sound like you're doing great slowing getting your life in check. I'd urgexpect you to carry on to that effect.

Sutely if he wanted to be 'home' with you, he would by now.

Hold your head up high and don't give him the satisfaction of knowing he's still got you waiting in the wings. He doesnt deserve to have you as a back up plan. That will be the karma you're looking for.

Bones at your lowest when you are on your own I found that doing a yoga class, going for a swim, reading a paper at a cafe and people watching or anything that you feel is an investment in you is a great distraction.

Please don't beg him to come back, if he wanted to he would.

I'm a single parent and honestly it's really ok. Once you come through the other side of the hurt and pain your life will be easier. You'll even feel proud of yourself. Your kids will look back and say how awesome you were being a strong independant single parent.

Big hug xxx

I've woke this morning and feel asking him to meet will be fruitless. I know there's no point I think.
The way he suddenly cut off the 19 year relationship was harsh and cruel. Especially hurtful as we had sex the night before and he hurt me by pulling my head back by my hair.
I have absolutely no idea what he's thinking or how long he'd been feeling like he did. And that hurts too. I just had no idea I'd ever be in this position.
I dreamt last night that we got back together. Dreams like that don't help. I'm having regular nightmares. His mum appears as baffled by all this as I am.
It's just so hard. I don't really have any close friends to call on. So I feel very very alone.
I'm signed off wrk at the moment but I have to get back or run the risk of disciplinary action (the NHS).
I just feel like my life is in tatters all around me. X

Maybe I need to give the AD'd another try. And I think I may be suffering from PTSD. I'm seeing my GP again on the 7th march.

My husband has had a vasectomy too after our 2nd was born. And I feel guilty for that.

Bones - I'd say him having had the snip was a blessing. At least you dont have to worry about him getting anyone pregnant and dealing with that emotional turmoil...both for you and your kids at the thought of potential new half siblings appearing one day. One heart ache avoided.

Unless you forced him to the ground and peformed the vasectomy yourself there's nothing to feel guilty about.

Anything new you can do, to give yourself something positive to think about? I got myself a cinema season ticket and went to see films I wanted to see, for example :)

I'm suffering with a lot of guilt. Especially about what he'd read on my phone (despite him saying later he could've got over this), I'd moaned to my friend about all that I felt was wrong in our relationship including the impotence. And I feel that my husband may have read this and felt humiliated. He was emotionally distant though and the list I posted of our problems existed. I know I shouldn't have confided in so much detail to someone else and I fee awful about that. X

Stop beating yourself up. You've done nothing wrong - you confided in a friend, so what!? He's given you so much more to bitch about him now

Stop letting him deflect his poor behaviour on to you. Soft him.

Guilt is a completely futile emotion here. Don't give him the satisfaction.

^ should say sod him! ( quite an apt autocorrect though

It's not like you were spreading lies. You think your husband never complained to a friend or family member about things he didn't like in your relationship?

You sound to me like you feel like shit and are blaming yourself as a result. Frankly, you've got enough on your plate from other people right now, without loading more onto it yourself. Try to give yourself a break. What could you do to be kind to yourself?