My husband left me and I have no closure

[Bones2017]

My husband left me and my kids (7&3) 10 weeks ago. We've been together for 20 years since we were 18 yrs old and married for 5. It seemed out of the blue to me at the time but looking back now, things have been harder for a short while.
Since last summer he seemed distant. He'd sit in another room on his computer whilst I watched telly. He'd be late home from work most nights. I found porn on his computer. He was protective over his phone also. One morning he was getting a text from a woman and he explained it was a colleague letting him know she'd be late in. Maybe. There was impotence issues also which I put down to him starting to smoke again. I had asked a few times if we were ok and if he'd met someone but he always denied it and reassured me that he loved me.
There was times when I didn't know where his wages were going and I had to work extra to make ends meet. He took out Payday loans behind my back also.
So the night before he left, we had sex and it was different. He really pulled at my hair and he hurt me. When I fell asleep, he went through my phone and read some messages to friends that I'd written about some of my troubles with him. He then sat me down the next night and told me that there was no trust anymore. He said he needed some time out and would be leaving me. Of course I begged him to stay and thought it was all my fault. He was very angry with me.
2 weeks after leaving me, he was viewing places to rent. He wants me to stay in the house. Wants me to carry on as normal living the life we've built together whilst he has some space.
He's denied anyone else being involved twice since he left and has said he felt like he was in a rut. Poor excuse if you ask me. I feel lost. Don't know how to carry on in the house without him. Unsure about my future and how this is affecting my kids. My confidence and self worth is shattered.
But what's killing me is that I really don't feel like I have a valid reason for him leaving. He won't go to counselling. At least If I thought there was another woman, id have closure. But no. And I'm just so broken and lost.

Now we aren't going! I've had to compromise with DS. I think it's been too easy for me to do because I'm so worried about going if you see what I mean! So, we are going tomorrow instead.
It's all so hard. It's not just about him leaving, it's all the other awful stuff. Stuff which I have to deal with! I hate it.

Its not his decision bones he lost all rights to that when he left!!! im going to take a leaf from your book and step back. My son said if her name is mentioned in front of him or he sees them together he wont ever talk to him again!! the only prob I have his mother just lives up the rd from me and I know even though its only 9 weeks since he walked hes already had her there

Somuchhurt, ive just come from my ex's grandparents house. His mum was their too.

I took DS as he loves them and they love him. I admit a small part of it was also to show OW cannot just waltz in and push us aside.

It was awkward. There was definitely an elephant in the room. It was just so apparent that someone was missing.

Luckily DS is only 3 so had everyone in stitches, so that helped the situation but when I took him to the toilet I could hear them all whispering. I can only imagine they were discussing his new GF, I felt crap after that and we left.

I think its horrible knowing they'll happily have you there, but just as happily have him there with new GF. Saying that ex hasnt spoken to his grandparents since he left. He seems to be avoiding anyone who he knows will have a go at him, and tell him he's done wrong and surrounding himself with people who couldn't care less (his stupid single, child free twatty mates).

I don't think my in laws will happily have her there, in fact, despite the fact that she is having their grandchild/nephew or niece very soon, none of them have met her and I know, especially in SIL case, have no real desire to meet her.
My youngest is 12 and so he has puberty as well as all of this to deal with and, much as I adore him, it's tricky at times! I have to separate the two things out!

Sickofthis mine is exactly the same all our good friends i messaged this morning have come back with, they havent heard from him in ages and didnt know hes obviously surrounding himself with her matws that dont give a shit!!! Im taking note of bones though and just stopping all contact she has made some very valid points. My husband wont last two minutes with her if its not all about him Ive lived his life for 17 yr theres no way he will change its all about him!! Fuck him and her they can get on with it xxx today anyway dont know how i will feel tomorrow haha

Somuchhurt my ml is to soft he walks all over her and I know shes been there when she was out but wouldnt surprise me if she wasnt there with her kids when shes in!!!

Bones, I've delurked just to tell you, you're banana Rama crazy in the pajama if you think he's never even kissed her. He left you for her, he may not admit it but he did. It's so bloody classic how he's behaved. And he's a bloody liar😡 He's just trying to keep both of you on a hook&line. How you've reacted has shaken him as I think he never thought you'd divorce him ( I'm very proud I you and I don't even know you!) as his ego is much bigger than his peasized brain. That's his wobble. Or things aren't going smoothly with OW, isn't she married?? He's made a massive cock up, but that's HIS choice. He's broken so many unwritten rules in a marriage, I hate to think. And hurt you so badly, that in itself is unforgivable. He totally demonised you to justify his shitty behaviour... without a thought for you. Who the fuck does that? What kind of person does that? He will try to come crawling back again, I'm sure. Especially when things don't work out with OW. You're doing SO WELL! Go girl!

I've a feeling things aren't going well with them actually. Or she's dumped him I'm not sure. Contact this week had increased and he's even been a bit flirty. Then by the weekend, it's all stopped again so I feel like I've taken 10 steps back. Maybe they're a bit on/off but he's never discussed with me their relationship at all. He's only told me that nothing physical has happened.

I just want him out of my life now. I'm so emotionally exhausted by it all.

He doesn't get to dictate when he acknowledges the divorce. His "depression" is him grasping at straws, playing the " in depressed so can not be held responsible for my behaviour " card. I've been in the past, diagnosed with depression and I never would have dreamed of doing what he's done. Dont you hate it when people don't OWN their shittyness? If you are going to act like a prick, at least bloody own your behaviour! Rant over....

Honestly, he's checked out.

His ego (expanded by attention for another woman) has overtaken his brain

How the hell do you heal from the rejection of your 'thought to be' soul mate?? 😩

I have no idea bones but I'm hurting tonight too xxx it's horrible isn't it

All we know is people come out the other side

Hi somuch I'm sorry things are so tough. But you might find your MIL is a real support to both you and your DS. Sounds like she and your SIL have been great to you and they're probably struggling how to cope too. Just go with the flow. What happens today might be harder than usual, but this relationship is so important to you it will become more natural in time.
Hope you have a good day.

Yes people do get out the other side.
Bones, I mean this in the nicest possible way, you really must step away from the texts, the emails, and try to detach.

You're only a few months in, it's raw and hard and horrible. I know how you feel, sadly too many of us on here know how you feel.

But I'm going to be tough here, you're not helping yourself. You ask in one post how do you move on, then in the next you say you've emailed everyone to tell them the truth. I get that you want people to know it, but stuff like this is putting you a step back every single time.

You can stay exhausted, going round and round in circles eating yourself up about this for as long as you please. Or, you can force your thoughts to other things whenever he pops in your head. You can send emails, fret about what people think (stuff 'em!) or you can plan the future. There is no magic cure for a broken heart, but you can help time heal, by living in the present, letting the past go and simply taking control.

If you really want things to improve then listen, please. Only business like emails, texts about the kids. Nothing more, minimum contact. No more letters, emails, declarations of feelings, questions.

Let him see the strong independent you emerge. Let your kids see her too. He's not worth all this angst.

Stop dwelling in the past (it wasn't great, so why revisit?) and worrying about getting back with him in the future. Focus on the here and now. Today. Your kids. You. By doing this, by letting go a bit, you will really heal.

I wish you well x

12 weeks now since he walked out leaving a letter. I know what you all feel. I went no contact. He contacted me a week ago after 3 weeks NC and I just sent a curt 'ok' reply. But it's hard, yes up days and down days. Days when I hate him, days when I still love him, days I cry. But what he did was cruel, not what you do to someone you love. It's a long hard journey to get over the hurt. She knew about me as later realised she was a FB friend, the only public posts in her FB were of flirty things between them so I know she wanted me to see them and kick off.

Keep your dignity! Don't contact, don't show emotion. Let them get on with it. Easier said than done, and some days I'm a wreck but I will never let either of them know that. Never.

My house is on the market, I have a viewer today, keep your fingers crossed for me X

Cary you're most definitely right. I was doing so well until this last week and the increased contact is the reason for the set back.

I'm cutting him off again. It's really the only way to heal. Time and space. He has no right to lean on me and drag me down for his own means. I have to think selfishly now and this week has made me realise just how important no contact is.

How is everyone doing? I seem to have had a burst of strength! Suddenly I feel like I'm seeing things in a completely different light! I can see the sheer abuse and control I've been enduring now!

That's good Bones. I found I had days when I felt very strong and could take on the world, other days when I felt anxious, sad and very alone. I would suddenly have clarity, see things clearly, only to then feel confused again. The key is accepting that this is normal, and not really changing your mind set. So focus on what you want, and if you're having a good day, great, that's a bonus so make the most of it, but don't beat yourself up if you crash a bit, every day is a step forward as long as you stay on track.

I think if you can force yourself to think about other stuff, live n the moment and take it a day at a time you will have little pockets of happy moments and they are so good for healing.

Hope your Easter Monday is good for you x

So he's text me this morning after his dr visit. He's been started on antidepressants and referred for counselling.
I'm just so exhausted mentally with it all now so I'm leaving him to sort himself out whilst I continue to heal. I'm doing so well I think. He's finally sent his stuff off for the divorce to proceed too. So at least he realises that's what I want.
He's hurt and damaged me so very much. I think he's starting to realise now. But I don't wish him any bad. I really hope he gets his life sorted. And me, I'll just carry on and do right for the kids.
What will be will be. But right now, my priority is myself and my gorgeous girls.

You're doing so well Bones and remaining SO strong. You should be really proud of yourself for not caving in.

I'm taking note of how brave you're being.

Jolly well done Bones. You've done so well holding it together. 7 weeks in for me and the nc is helping so much. Unfortunately we share so many friends and family after 20 years and he lives in the same town so I constantly get messages from his friends asking me to tell him to stop parading his Twinkie around all the places they're at. Because they are polite he thinks they all accept her. These are all places he and I used to go to but I have avoided now because I don't want to see him ( or her).. I've told them I don't have anything to do with him or his decisions anymore but I do feel replaced. It seems to me that he is still living his life the same but with a much younger model and less money worries.

Mine is still adamant he's not 'with' this girl. It's so hard because he's starting to sniff round me again. And now he's on meds for depression I'm starting to wonder if it was just a friendship that he's got confused about. Limerence maybe? I don't know. What I do know now is if it's me he wants, it's him that has to do the work now.
He can see me doing ok - he's said as much. But he still treated me so horribly. He'd really have a mammoth task to bring me on side now and actually believe him.

I'm gonna wait it out a bit longer. Continue to work on myself and my confidence and just see what happens. Divorce is processing now too.

If I were you I would go through with the divorce anyway. Stand on your own two feet, and be totally independent of him. If he was really sorry then he would have to be prepared to go right back to the start and date me again. This man who has behaved in this way has become a stranger to you and would need to earn your trust all over again. If he was really willing to do all this and take it slow and give you complete access to his phone/ tablet/ computer at all times then maybe I'd consider seeing him on a see how it goes basis.