My husband left me and I have no closure

[Bones2017]

My husband left me and my kids (7&3) 10 weeks ago. We've been together for 20 years since we were 18 yrs old and married for 5. It seemed out of the blue to me at the time but looking back now, things have been harder for a short while.
Since last summer he seemed distant. He'd sit in another room on his computer whilst I watched telly. He'd be late home from work most nights. I found porn on his computer. He was protective over his phone also. One morning he was getting a text from a woman and he explained it was a colleague letting him know she'd be late in. Maybe. There was impotence issues also which I put down to him starting to smoke again. I had asked a few times if we were ok and if he'd met someone but he always denied it and reassured me that he loved me.
There was times when I didn't know where his wages were going and I had to work extra to make ends meet. He took out Payday loans behind my back also.
So the night before he left, we had sex and it was different. He really pulled at my hair and he hurt me. When I fell asleep, he went through my phone and read some messages to friends that I'd written about some of my troubles with him. He then sat me down the next night and told me that there was no trust anymore. He said he needed some time out and would be leaving me. Of course I begged him to stay and thought it was all my fault. He was very angry with me.
2 weeks after leaving me, he was viewing places to rent. He wants me to stay in the house. Wants me to carry on as normal living the life we've built together whilst he has some space.
He's denied anyone else being involved twice since he left and has said he felt like he was in a rut. Poor excuse if you ask me. I feel lost. Don't know how to carry on in the house without him. Unsure about my future and how this is affecting my kids. My confidence and self worth is shattered.
But what's killing me is that I really don't feel like I have a valid reason for him leaving. He won't go to counselling. At least If I thought there was another woman, id have closure. But no. And I'm just so broken and lost.

Good for you bones. I feel like you may have hit the acceptance stage. But remember you will go round and round the stages. You will get there. Think of all the women on here who get through it. My mum said to me "people break up all the time, every day, do you know anyone who has been miserable for the rest of their lives because they've broken up with someone?". I think eventually we do get over it. It is a grievance. I think it's wrong how men can do this with children so young. But again, another thing my mum said to me, "Pink, if you came to me telling me you were unhappy/didn't know how you feel about DH I would tell you to have a good long think about what you want and then leave", which is fine, but it's the way these men go about it all isn't it.

Hi bones, your last post is really sad. I just wanted to tell you that im with you.

Im still swinging wildly from one emotion to the next. A strong day will be followed by a day when I dont want to live. I heard a quote the other day which was 'giving up is not an option when someone is calling you mummy'. Its whats keeping me going.

Im so incredibly sad. I just cant accept he's not mine anymore.

I wanted to ask you if you regret sending the letter to your DH? Ive written one but am in two minds whether to send it.

Sending you a big hug xxxx

My opinion - I wouldn't send it - it won't change how they feel as the mans mind is already made up. Life is so cruel sometimes. It's amazing how many women go through this and all the men do the same thing and follow "the script".

Bones - his behaviour towards me has only got bettee this past few weeks. I know this sounds really bad but when I read all the stories on MN it makes me feel worse about the whole situation.

Bev - I know exactly what you're saying. This isn't the first time he's done it. When we were 21 (3 months after we had bought our first house together & our son was 18 months old), he went on his Xmas do, met someone there, a week later did the script and said he didn't love me anymore, I was confused, Xmas was round the corner, we had just bought our first house and he was leaving because he didn't love me?! I knew he had met someone else on that night out. When he come home from the night out I instantly knew (I have no idea how, the way he was acting towards me?), and I asked him and he said no. So yeah he left, cut me out, wouldn't speak to me, only about our son. Then one night he was watching our son at our house, I came home and they were both asleep on the sofa, I looked through his phone and there it was, he had been seeing a OW he had met through a friend on his work night out. It soon fizzled,
Christmas past and about 4 days later he begged to come home, saying he is young, stupid, settled to young, never been with anyone else and had his head turned. I let him back in as I truely believe no one is perfect and we all do make mistakes. It took me about 2 years to get over it. He did everything possible to make it better. Now look, 4 years on and he's done it again. This time we're older, wiser, have another child, engaged (we had looked at wedding venues), then he does this but with someone he works with. So what's his excuse this time? "You were texting someone else behind my back saying you don't know if you want to be with me anymore", which is true, I did text another male saying this a month before this happened, im not proud of this, but My partner had checked out emotionally a few months before I even text this other man, and I couldn't work out why he was so distant at the time I felt like this. But it all adds up now, he had OW lined up for months but hadnt acted upon it until I text someone saying how unhappy I was and that I didn't know if I loved him anymore.

me and partner had ANOTHER talk last night and I'm just so lost.

Hope you ladies are all ok today xx

Morning Ladies,

Remember that at the moment they are riding the high of being free to crack on with a single life knowing they have broken wives's who in their minds would take them back if it all turns pear shaped(and it will)

That wheel will start to turn again and you will all be at the top and more together having had to process this nightmare and come through the other side.
They will then be realising that they have broken and lost their family's self respect and will end up lonely and full of regrets.

They may think the have won the battle
But you will without a doubt win the war.

Take care (its shit) but it won't always feel this way.
Remember the wheel of life, what goes up will eventually come crashing down.

M xx

Well today I have stupid or not started messaging all his mutual work mates and and other friends letting them know exactly why he left as he is telling them all the marraige just broke down!! Ive then messaged him and told him ive done it. Hes well pissed off but i feel a bit better. I need to stop messaging him I just get so angry his ow thinks im a nut job and to be honest its not me ive turned into someone i didnt think i was capable of being and that hurts

Im actually orob oushing them further togather as she is loving it

well done Bones it has been quite a journey for you to come to your decision.
Now is the time for you to start healing. Put yourself first for once. Spoil yourself and do what you want to do.
Have contact only with your ex for the DC's only.

Bev, It does turn us into crazy women when this happens

Ahhh it posted before I was finished!! Yes as I was saying it turns us crazy. I am surprised Bones hasn't messaged OW. In my personal cases I've found it scares them off

Didnt scare the one hes with she thrived on it started calling me all the crazy bitches under the son and told me it is what it is. Now its out therw she can do what she wants then said arent you silly ..laughing at me aaaaaargh

Bones, have you ever thought about messaging OW and letting her know the destruction she has done ? I would, fuck her, she thinks she can get away with it and have no consequences while you're at home suffering ?!

Here is what happened in my cases FYI.
First time it happened and I found out by looking through his phone (we were 21 at the time as I explained above). I facebooked her telling her I knew it wasn't all her and it takes two, but I wanted to know what he had been telling her, did she know he had a son and partner at home and we had just bought a house ? No surprise she never messaged me back and for some reason or another they never spoke again. My partner says it's because he "realised what he was doing was stupid and what he was throwing away"... OW had a one year old herself so maybe she seen him for the pig he was and cut it off, I will never know.

This time I messaged her as soon as i seen his phone bill and told her he had a finance, house and 2 kids at home. She denied anything was going onnbetween them and that they were friends and I was crazy and rude. 2 months later when I thought me and OH was trying to work it out I found out he had taken her out, so I messaged her again telling her I knew they had been out together and why would she go out with someone knowing full well they were still in a relationship with 2 kids. She at first denied they went out together saying she was with her friends, I told her to stop talking shit and that my OH had told me everything, and her response was "well why r u asking me then if he's told u", I was like well I'm letting u know that this is The second and last time he's doing this to me and what goes around comes around, when u have kids I hope this never happens to you. Shamefully I said some pretty nasty things like "talk proper fucking English" as she is polish and her text sentences weren't brilliant. I even threatened her by saying "I'm not going to text you again, but if I find out you ever pull a stunt like this again I will not be responsible for my actions". OH still doesn't know what I said to her but knew I had said something as apparently the next day at work she didn't even look at him/walked straight past him. BOO FUCKING HOO. He demanded I tell him what I had said but I never. Apparently they have not said a word since it all happened in December but what i can't get past is that if she offered him to be with her I think he would of jumped at the chance. I should leave him to his stupid life shouldn't I

2 years ago (7 weeks after I had my son to be precise), I went to a school reunion with some friends, I had a few drinks, and got some attention from a male who had a girlfriend whom he had been with for a long time. I loved the attention and the thought of someone else fancying me (I know, pathetic). We exchanged numbers and was texting for about a week, his girlfriend found out and messaged me basically asking me if anything had happened between us etc and told me to back off - I did and realised I had been selfish. I came clean to my OH and told him what I had done and I didn't even know why I did it. Sorry to go on everyone but just thought I would give you my experience

Pin yours is very much lime mine apart from the other man. But you know whay if the first one had taken him up as i scares her off warning hwr i was going to tell her hisband he would have been there then im piised off now that I started to trust him afyer 3 yr and he did it again this time shes not with her husband..still hasnt stopped me telling him though they deserve shit. Both living with their mothers her with her 2 kids flaunting around like loves new dream

Hello ladies,

I don't want to speak to the OW. I'm scared of what she'd tell me. The emotional connection between them has been devastating enough. I don't need anymore info now do I?

Sick I do regret sending the email to him. I think it just showed him a weakness. And he started sniffing round. Let me start to pour my heart out and then has now gone cold again. So he must feel confident I'm still hurting.

But you see, the fact that he's gone cold on me again just proves everything right? At the moment, he DOES NOT care for me at all. He just doesn't. So that's enough for me to back off. What's the point? Hope that makes sense. And really what would speaking to OW do for me? It would just either frustrate or anger me more.

I'm just too fed up with all this now and exhausted with it.

This is horrible. I felt so strong willed a few hours ago. Now I'm just so broken and exhausted

Am I right in thinking the OW has a husband ?

Hey Bones, you are doing so well. Allow yourself to feel the emotions; strong one minute and then broken the next. It is all part of the healing! I need to take my own advice.

This weekend has been tough already for me. Am packing up our house, it is raking up so many memories, good and bad. I went out last night and was having a brilliant time when one of our friends asked me where Mr Agatha was. I was completely floored by it. I assumed everyone knew 'my story' but obviously not. My night was a bit ruined after that. Woke up this morning feeling a bit flat.

Hopefully tomorrow will be a better day for us all. We can reset and start again!

And bones I understand why you don't want to talk to OW but you don't know if he has been lying to her too xx

As far as I'm aware she's married too yes. I've always felt that getting in contact with her would just push them further together and drive him further from me. And I've always wanted to keep an air of dignity about myself and give them nothing to call me on if it became nasty in any way.

I've had to restrain myself with all my might though.

Hi Everyone,
I need some advice and maybe you are the right people to help.
DH left in January. He now lives with OW who is expecting their child together this month. Long story but basically she knew we were together, body clock was ticking and she wanted a baby and 'the life I had with him' so she did. I don't think he wanted to leave, I don't think he really wants what he's got, but I guess we both came to the conclusion that him staying would be too hard for me. We have 3 children (OW knew that too) One is an adult, one is away with his dad this week (not OW, they don't want anything to do with her and thankfully he has respected that so far) and the youngest is at home with me as he didn't want to be away from me....he's really struggling.
Anyway, today I'm supposed to be going to my MILs. We are close, she's more like a mum than my own. She has said she doesn't want that to change. But it has changed hasn't it? It is different. I haven't seen her since this happened and I'm so stressed about seeing her but I know if I don't do it then I won't have a relationship with her! I don't know if she wants us to stay overnight, I dont want to assume that's ok. I don't even know if I want to stay! I don't know if it will hurt too much.
DS doesn't want to stay. It's never been an issue before but he's worried she might talk about stuff. She won't, it'll be like there is a massive elephant in the room though! I know that for sure.
I don't really know what to do. We were together for 26 years. His family is my family and I don't want to lose that. I'm stuck and hurting and will have to pretend I'm fine.

Bones i really wish I could be as strong as you, ive turned into a nasty bitch texting abuse everyday telling anyone who will listen and my youngest is 14 i dont even have the little ones. I sometimes feel thats worse as i dont have anything to keep my mind from going over and over things. Hes out with her now in the family car looking for a new car. She is a hardfaced cow that doesnt care one bit and I cant even keep away from her as ours sons play on same foorball team which my hub coaches i actually have so much hate towards them!! Her husband has been asking for pics of him which of course i would never do because of my son but ive been so tempted and im soft as muck, at least I was until this happened. Im just praying for the day i wake up without the horrible sinking feeling in my stomach snd i can get on with my life im still off work and they are running out of patiance now

Somuchhurt I had to go to mime lsst week for my sons birthday and yes it was awkward but I think yoi meed to do it for you my MIL or SIL habe not text me or anythi g tp see of im ok but i felt his mother at least needs to know im still here and im still the mother and also that his bitch is not mentioned in front of him. I feel so sad for you that she is pregnant i heard ow with my hub was preg last yr to her husband so wont be surprised if thats the next thing

I suppose I just feel that it is going to be difficult the first time, but there has to be a first time at some point! She's said to my SIL that I'm like a daughter to her and my SIL has always called me her sister. She's not a demonstrative woman by an means so I kind of know what to expect really. Right, I'm going to do it.
Part of it is to show OW that I can't be replaced by her. That just because she's got what she wants, it doesn't mean that I'm ousted from the family. DH is very happy for the relationship with his family and I to continue as normal. I suspect she isn't quite as happy.

I've never let my H see any anger from me at all. He knows I'm hurt. He knows I was off work and he knows I've had to take medication. I feel men can't deal with witnessing what they've done so mine stayed away from me completely. I chose to go low contact and that really helped with healing. I blocked them both on all social media in case anyone tried to contact me.

But after I wrote him the letter he felt able to worm his way back into my head and now I'm struggling to get him out again. He seems to want me to know how he is doing and the fact that he's now needing to see a dr for feeling down. He wants me to 'help him' by delaying the divorce whilst 'he decides' what he wants and to sort his head out. Why the hell does he think it's his decision??!!

He's already said he wont acknowledge my papers for divorce until he's seen the dr. 😩