My husband left me and I have no closure

[Bones2017]

My husband left me and my kids (7&3) 10 weeks ago. We've been together for 20 years since we were 18 yrs old and married for 5. It seemed out of the blue to me at the time but looking back now, things have been harder for a short while.
Since last summer he seemed distant. He'd sit in another room on his computer whilst I watched telly. He'd be late home from work most nights. I found porn on his computer. He was protective over his phone also. One morning he was getting a text from a woman and he explained it was a colleague letting him know she'd be late in. Maybe. There was impotence issues also which I put down to him starting to smoke again. I had asked a few times if we were ok and if he'd met someone but he always denied it and reassured me that he loved me.
There was times when I didn't know where his wages were going and I had to work extra to make ends meet. He took out Payday loans behind my back also.
So the night before he left, we had sex and it was different. He really pulled at my hair and he hurt me. When I fell asleep, he went through my phone and read some messages to friends that I'd written about some of my troubles with him. He then sat me down the next night and told me that there was no trust anymore. He said he needed some time out and would be leaving me. Of course I begged him to stay and thought it was all my fault. He was very angry with me.
2 weeks after leaving me, he was viewing places to rent. He wants me to stay in the house. Wants me to carry on as normal living the life we've built together whilst he has some space.
He's denied anyone else being involved twice since he left and has said he felt like he was in a rut. Poor excuse if you ask me. I feel lost. Don't know how to carry on in the house without him. Unsure about my future and how this is affecting my kids. My confidence and self worth is shattered.
But what's killing me is that I really don't feel like I have a valid reason for him leaving. He won't go to counselling. At least If I thought there was another woman, id have closure. But no. And I'm just so broken and lost.

It's done. I've sent it. A last letter. X

Bones - At least you've laid your cards on the table with him now, rather than forever wondering 'what if...?'

Either way I hope it allows you to take another baby step forward.

When I leave I'm doing it when he is on tour, with a longish letter saying why, mainly that I don't see any remorse, he doesn't like me discussing it and wants 'business as usual' , my way of looking at it Bones is that if it's 'meant to be' what's the issue with some space for you, why can't you have a few meet ups gradually if you are undecided , a fair old few people are couples but live separate, so why does it have to be all or nothing!! You could always call off the divorce if unsure but remain separated whilst he sorts his head and you see how you feel, you don't have to immediately divorce, my counsellor told me that unless you are in danger or there is a compelling reason then always wait the 2 years , any doubts st all separate and wait

My letter tells him how he's made ME feel because he's so bloody fixated on how he feels. He needs to be made aware of my feelings by his actions. After 20 years, that's the least he owes me.

It also tells him I'm moving on. And that I'm letting go. And it says I realise now that I am be happy without him.

Good for you girl! That's a massive leap forward. Absolutely right for him to hear the destruction he's caused uncensored.

^ Agree with above about not necessarily rushing the divorce through. Legally not being married won't turn your feelings off overnight once you have the decree absolute. Maybe move forward with it but not at break neck speed.

Whether he listens or not is another matter. He's managed to put himself first so far so who knows.

I'd still be very sceptical at this 'friendship' of his too. People don't often destroy their life for a new 'mate'.

Hope you're still getting lots of support irl x

But it also tells him I love him. Feel stupid for sending it now. I'd been doing so so well moving on. But his wobble last week made me react again. Big mistake

Of course you love him, you were with him for many years but often love its not enough to keep a relationship alive.
Let him read the letter -he needs to knbow how his behaviour has made you feel BUT
he is wobbling because you are now calling the shots.You are not prepared to put up with his shite any longer. Until you filed for divorce he thought he had the upper hand and that he could get you back anytime he wanted. You proved him wrong. Now he is playing the " l am confused" card hoping to reel you back in, get you back as his "back up option" in case he changes his mind if things don't work out for him and OW.
You have been amazing, l have followed this thread from the start and you have handled everything with such strength and dignity.
Please please be strong now.

Thank you so much. Tomorrow is a new day. Back to low/no contact. It really was helping me heal. X

No regrets Bones. The letter was yet another example of you being honest. Time for him to be honest now.

He's replied.

He tells me in his reply that he's truly sorry for the pain he's caused me. He's sorry he wasn't there for me during the pain I've described.

He says since I've filed for divorce he feels like it's all hit him suddenly and that he feels depressed and now doesn't know how long he's felt like that.

He admits that he shouldn't have confided in someone outside the marriage. He's reiterated that nothing physical has happened between them.

He doesn't expect me to wait for him. In fact he's said he's seeing me move on and get better and he feels very alone, lost and wants to escape. He's even thought of running away from it all.

He's apologised for being a rubbish husband. He's said he'll always love me and the kids but doesn't expect me to wait for him. However he needs more time to sort this out. I'm assuming he's talking about his depression. He has said he'll tell the dr everything when he sees him.

I've told him I'll support him through it should he need me. But I'm aware also that I need to stay guarded. I am fully aware that he may not be telling me the truth. But I've a feeling he is. Time will tell.

I'm planning on continuing to self heal too whilst he's getting his help. If we come together again down the line then it was meant to be. If the divorce finalises before then, so be it. But I won't rush it through. I'll just let it roll.

I have to hold my horses here and stay guarded. He's put me through a lot and there's no denying at least an emotional affair on his part. But we'll see what the future holds.

How are you all? It's gone quiet xxx

Hi Bones, still here, plodding along. How things with you? Did you respond to his letter?

I've responded that he should definitely get some help. I've said if he wants to talk further when he feels better we can see how we both feel at the time...
However.... today I feel even a depressed man should know if he loves his wife of 19 years. I feel like my feelings for him are slipping away day by day. Him keeping me dangling is becoming unattractive and boring to me.
I'm just pushing forward and getting better. I'm trying to let him know he can talk to me but I'm starting to feel like he's keeping me as a fall back plan and I won't have that.

Really admire your strength. I do think people can be so messed up in their head that they truly forget what's important and then only see it when it's too late. Has he tried to talk to you face to face or would you not want that?

Yeah we've talked face to face and via text. He's still giving me very mixed messages. But really, what does it matter? If he wanted to come home, I'd be wondering if I was just his fall back plan. I'd have to see based on the effort he put in. But he's not at that place yet. He just keeps saying he needs to sort his head out and that he's confused and depressed.

His indecision and mind games with me are becoming a repellant to be honest. I feel like my feelings are changing every day.

Bones im sorry but you need to be strong and stick to your decision. Not meaning devorce straight away but Ive been through a sim experience my husband 4 yr ago started messaging and texting a woman for months before i caught him if she had left her husband he would have been away then, i sort of wish he had now! Ive been on antidepressents ever since and just starting to trust him again around christmas time. He then started again with another woman and her husband kicked her out wnd of jan so following week he went I wish i had chucked him first time because when its happened again im now broken. I feel such an idiot feel like he wanted ro stay with the family until something better came along, if your anything like me and to be honest you seem a lot stronger your never going to trust him again my cheeky pig started calling me big brother as he always felt i was watching him but I had every right to, i just keep thinking now had he gone 4 yr ago I would be in a better place now not the mess im in. Some days i dont even want to live but ive gone through someone doing that and lived through the torment of people left behind and thats the only thing that has stopped me..think of you and the kids dont make the same mistake I did xxx

No he's not coming back. I won't have him back. To be honest, this week he's been playing such mad mind games I've realised that at least for the moment, he's abusively using me and my emotions for his own gains. I won't let him violate me any more. It stops now.

If he's sick with depression, he can go get himself sorted. I will support him. But only as an outsider now. He chose this path and I cannot and will not continue to feed his needy ego.

Good on you.. I was so angry I messaged his girlfriends husband and told him obviously he didnt have a clue and threatened to stop with the amount of money he was giving her, my husband then suddenly started texting me asking for docs number ( as if he couldnt go online and get it) he needed an emegancy appointment as he was struggling more than i thought he was, he didnt shave for a week I told my friend she must have backed off because of her husband, then suddenly he turns up fully shaven and he passed the following day with her in the car so obviously back on a depression lifted hes cured.. what an arse!!!! People keep twlling me i will be better off without him just wish the cloud would lift 😣

Bev it just switched like a light switch for me and I just thought nah, not any more mate. I'm now bored of how you're managing to ruin my happiness and life. I'm now wasting no more time on you.

I still have my down days. But they're not ruining my day if that makes sense. And you know what, when he senses that you're feeling strong again, they come sniffing like mine did this week. But now that just makes me MORE determined & in control.

Plus he's still dangling me like a piece of string and whilst I've kept my distance, I seem to indulge him when he wants to chat and he manages to convince me of what he's saying.

But no more. You're not confused for nearly 5 months about your feelings for your wife unless the third party is still around. She can have him. I'm done.

This is going to be so hard for you bones. I've name changed quiet a lot but I was in the same situation as u in September. He left after 9 years and we have 2 DC's. He come back at start of December to give it another try (basically because I begged him to), then 2 weeks before Xmas he went on his Xmas do (told me she wasn't going - she was there), then a week later took her out behind my back to a football game (how romantic - NOT). I Had a gut feeling that day he was going out with her and when I confronted him about it he told me everything and admitted all to me - said he thought he loved her but she's not interested but can't help how he feels. I've posted about it on this thread before.

We are back together now - he still works at the same place (a big factory with about 150 staff). I can't get past it. Wish I never bothered asking for him back. I don't know if she still wants him, I contacted OW the next day telling her I knew they had been out but she replied that she doesn't have to explain herself to me and that there is nothing between her n my partner. Apparently they haven't spoken since but I don't believe it. I think about it al every day.

Today I told him he needs to leave his job or I'm leaving him. He said he will but apparently I need to "stop going on and talking about it every day" - which is what I do. Because I compare myself to her - she's 25, slim, no kids. I'm 25, slim but with lots of stretch marks. He probably would have liked the stress free life with her. Oh and please let me re-assure u, your DH is not depressed. All men spout the same shitty old line - mine did.

Please try and move on. I wish I could because right now my life is miserable. Miserrable with DH And miserable without.

Thinking of you at this awful time xxx

Oh pink it sounds so awful for you. I really hope things turn for you two though! Is he making efforts with you? Can you see a change? X

Pink im sorry but as soon as she shows intetest hes going to go, dont be like me be the stronger person your young and still have the rest of your life ahead. Your going to be happy again but not while you have him. Your going to watching his every move looking over while hes texting checking his phone bills believe me its not a good life ive lived it and wish I had been stronger then instead of waiting and it happening again, he has no respect for you if he had he wouldnt be making a play for someone else. I also contacted OW and was told it had nothing to do with me as seperated now and not to tell her what to do. They are as bad as the men i just cant wait for it to go tits up as it will if shes amything like ive been told she is! only then when hes on his own i thInk I will get past it 2 and half month for me now but took him 6 weeks to tell the truth ..cowards

4.5 months in now. And to be honest, I now feel nothing apart from weak and fragile. Physically I'm like a drained skeleton and emotionally I'm even worse.

I've been in a complete battlefield and feel like I've been mangled. Ripped apart and destroyed.

All them feelings since December - hurt and hope over and over. And then this week, a button has been pressed. And I just know now that I'd NEVER have this man back in my life. Never.

So that's it. Guns down. Battle seems over. I'm just weak from it all. Exhausted from experiencing probably the most vicious life event I'll ever have to go through. And I've been left in a broken and fragile state. Most likely I'll carry this along forever.

But with regards to H, I know my heart has let him go. The hurt and anger of his betrayal has overtaken any love I had for him.

I don't love you anymore H.