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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

My husband left me and I have no closure

863 replies

Bones2017 · 11/02/2017 16:14

My husband left me and my kids (7&3) 10 weeks ago. We've been together for 20 years since we were 18 yrs old and married for 5. It seemed out of the blue to me at the time but looking back now, things have been harder for a short while.
Since last summer he seemed distant. He'd sit in another room on his computer whilst I watched telly. He'd be late home from work most nights. I found porn on his computer. He was protective over his phone also. One morning he was getting a text from a woman and he explained it was a colleague letting him know she'd be late in. Maybe. There was impotence issues also which I put down to him starting to smoke again. I had asked a few times if we were ok and if he'd met someone but he always denied it and reassured me that he loved me.
There was times when I didn't know where his wages were going and I had to work extra to make ends meet. He took out Payday loans behind my back also.
So the night before he left, we had sex and it was different. He really pulled at my hair and he hurt me. When I fell asleep, he went through my phone and read some messages to friends that I'd written about some of my troubles with him. He then sat me down the next night and told me that there was no trust anymore. He said he needed some time out and would be leaving me. Of course I begged him to stay and thought it was all my fault. He was very angry with me.
2 weeks after leaving me, he was viewing places to rent. He wants me to stay in the house. Wants me to carry on as normal living the life we've built together whilst he has some space.
He's denied anyone else being involved twice since he left and has said he felt like he was in a rut. Poor excuse if you ask me. I feel lost. Don't know how to carry on in the house without him. Unsure about my future and how this is affecting my kids. My confidence and self worth is shattered.
But what's killing me is that I really don't feel like I have a valid reason for him leaving. He won't go to counselling. At least If I thought there was another woman, id have closure. But no. And I'm just so broken and lost.

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Bones2017 · 08/04/2017 23:46

I feel ill. I'm not sure if he's asking me to wait whilst he decides if he wants a future with me? And I certainly don't want him thinking I am waiting! He should bloody know!
If this is all down to depression and him 'confiding' in someone else that's still strange right?

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Bones2017 · 09/04/2017 01:01

And I have another theory rather than him regretting and wanting to possibly come home.

What if he's told her that I know what I do and that I've filed for divorce. She's got the creeps and dumped him... so now he's feeling rejected and sad like I was??

That's another possibility

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Bones2017 · 09/04/2017 08:30

All night I've been trying to figure out what I will do if he asks to come home or if he says he's made a mistake. I can feel it coming. Call it instinct again.

I'm actually not ready for him to come to me with this. I'm conflicted with my head & heart. I still think he believes he's done nothing wrong because he's not had sex with her. He'd have to get to that understanding and accept his wrong doing. Putting another woman before me in ANY respect is being unfaithful. He'd have to get that. And at the moment he doesn't. Maybe the doctor will offer counselling and that will help him see that.

I keep looking at his phone records. And if he spoke to her for an hour maybe once a week, I'd be more likely to believe him. But the records are crazy. It's EVERY DAY and night since July. No getting around it. And sometimes the calls can be up to 10 times or more in a day. He'd have to be able to explain them to me.

I don't believe at the moment that he thinks he loves me. Or he's at least confused about it. Him saying his heads messed up is admission of that.

If it's ended between them, why? I'd want to know. Has she got the creeps now I've filed for divorce and backed off realising herself that this is going too far?? And now that's happened he's realising he has nobody? Maybe this week is his reaction to her dumping him and not actually regretting leaving me. I'd need to know.

And then there's myself. How could I EVER trust him ever again?? How could I ever be sure of his feelings for me? When he's been such a good liar and manipulator. How could I ever have sex with him again knowing that he didn't know if he loved me? He's shattered every ounce of confidence I ever had.

But then I know my own feelings. And there's the kids. Our history and memories. And this is the first time in 20 years nearly that he's done this. My instincts kicked in straight away too so surely I'd know in the future?

I'm hoping if he asks (and I've a feeling he will) it will be when he's had some counselling and really knows and appreciates what he's done.

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Startoftheyear2017 · 09/04/2017 08:48

Lots of good thoughts there Bones, but try to breathe and ponder. No sleep is a bad start for calm reflection. Whatever he says or does, tell him you need time. However much he tells you it was nothing, tell him you need time. I have an idiot DH claiming nothing is going on but the evidence is mounting up. Unfaithfulness is a big deal. Why is the possibility of unfaithfulness anything less? He's treated you sooooo badly. Please take time before you decide or do anything. And get a rest today!

Cary2012 · 09/04/2017 08:52

Bones, everything you say is about him and his feelings. It's like you are at his mercy. This needs to change. You need to get a new mindset.
You must forget about what he might or might not feel or want and focus only on you and what you want.

It sounds as though you feel you have no control over what happens, you're at his mercy, waiting in limbo for him to decide.

Wrong. You can and must work out what you want here. No way should he influence your decision. You say the trust is gone, you'd always have doubts...so work out if anything he could do could repair the damage. If you know in your heart that it's over, you must have courage in your conviction and work on detaching and your future. You need strength to trust yourself, so that what he wants bounces off you, not affecting your decision at all.

It's a horrible situation. But you must focus on you, not him. You can simply detach, divorce and move on, saying 'it's too late, we're done' if he tries to talk. Just because he might want to talk doesn't mean that you have to. Just because he might have second thoughts doesn't mean you are having them.

Stop overthinking his phone usage, and his involvement with OW. It's eating you up and deflecting time which would be better spent on thinking about the future you want. He could lose you through all this, but that's his fault and his alone. Don't be reactive any more, be proactive. First step, decide once and for all what you want. x

Bones2017 · 09/04/2017 16:06

His contacting me seems to have thrown me back so much. But I will hold firm and keep my emotions in check. I will hold back. If there's anything there it's up to him to recognise and try to fix. It's not my problem now.

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MartinaMartini · 09/04/2017 17:32

Bones - hope you're Ok?

Cary - You speak soooo much sense! Everything you've said is absolutely spot on Xx

Bones2017 · 09/04/2017 19:24

I'm ok Martina thanks
I've been to bed for a bit to be honest to escape my thoughts. I'm a bit of an analyser and probably council myself! My therapist said that of me on our last session. Haha.

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Bones2017 · 09/04/2017 22:35

How are all of you? Clock & Start?

How are you doing ladies? Any developments with you guys? Feeling any better? X

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Startoftheyear2017 · 09/04/2017 22:46

Not me. Hope others are. Things are complicated for me this week. Good to know you're feeling calmer. Hope you sleep well tonight.

Bones2017 · 09/04/2017 23:00

Share start. What's up lovely? X

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Andywho · 09/04/2017 23:47

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Sickofthisalready · 10/04/2017 08:04

Hi bones, has there been any more developments?

Rubbish here. Still taking one step forward two steps back. Still nothing sorted financially, still in limbo.

Ive found that I hate being here now. Im still in the house (as I asked for DS stability), but I just cant stand it. Its full of memories and just feels big and lonely.

Dont really have the option to sell as couldn't buy much on my own, and once its sold ex will take his half and I doubt id ever hear from him again.

So I now hate being at home, hate being at work (me, him and OW work in same industry). There is just nowhere I feel happy other than at my mums, but I feel guilty taking DS there all the time. Im just so lost.

Bones2017 · 10/04/2017 08:28

Sick I felt like that at the house too. That goes away. I've been making small decorating changes that's helped a bit. Making the place my own a bit. I've worked on the gardens and stuff. Cleared the garage.

He was texting me last night about how good the girls have been and he ended with 'see you soon'
I'm really trying hard not to read into his texts but they're definitely different to how they were after he left.

I've decided to continue as I am. His relationship with her is confusing him even if he won't admit it. I don't want to appear desperate and discourage it because I feel it will just push him further to her and not help his relationship with me. He has to figure out what he wants on his own and if that turns out to be me and his family I'll see where I am at that time and see them if it's what I want at the time.

There's absolutely no point in me trying to beg or woo him back whilst he doesn't know what he wants. And it's not in my nature to compete with anyone. I'd rather step away and leave him to make his own mind up.

I'm continuing with the divorce regardless. Me and the kids have to be protected in the future no matter what happens. I still feel our story together isn't over. But maybe that's part of this process. I'm not sure. I'll just have to see how all this plays out.

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SoupDragon · 10/04/2017 08:39

My GF left me no closure a couple of months ago , it just simply hurts but onwards and upwards

She left you because (inyour own words) you are a serial cheater who has never been faithful ,Andy. Serves you right.

Bones2017 · 10/04/2017 08:41

I've reported Andy's posts. He's took to his antics on various threads too. Sad individual really. Mocking other people's pain.

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Sickofthisalready · 10/04/2017 09:09

I cant imagine how confusing it must be. On the one hand the thought of being a family again, but on the other always wondering how he could do what he's done and whether it will happen again.

I really don't know if theres ever a way back. The thought of living in constant fear of it happening again and not ever trusting him would drive me insane.

I think some of these men do not have any idea of the sheer destruction they cause. Or care for that matter xxx

Bones2017 · 10/04/2017 14:54

I think not knowing the full extent of his relationship with her also. But then if he did want back in he'd have to explain that to me. And I imagine he'd find that very hard. And if find it hard to listen to.

How do I know though if he's softening and reconsidering? How do you differentiate between him just trying to be friendly and maybe wanting or considering that he's made a mistake?

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Sickofthisalready · 10/04/2017 14:59

I really don't know. I thought recently my ex may have been regretting, he was around all the time, friendlier, kisses on his texts. It didnt last longer than a week. I now think maybe OW was away.

Bones2017 · 10/04/2017 15:39

Oh I was doing so well! 😩

Pushing on and ignoring the last few days. X

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BlueHairbrush · 10/04/2017 21:02

You are doing so well Bones. I read your thread with true admiration. I've been in a similar situation for almost 6 months now and still all over the place. Allow yourself a few wobbles, these things are never black and white, and different for every individual. Go easy on yourself, you're doing great!

Bones2017 · 10/04/2017 22:29

I've wrote him a letter. I can't send it obviously but it's been good to get things down. If he ever asks to come home, I'll let him read it I think. Then he'll know how he's made me feel and hurt. X

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BlueHairbrush · 11/04/2017 07:23

Letters are great. I've written loads, he's written some too. Most never read but it definitely helps to get it down on paper x

Bones2017 · 11/04/2017 07:41

I'm actually hoping he doesn't ask to come home. I'm the one now that's confused and I'm not sure it could work anymore anyway. I'd only have his word and his side about what's happened with him and OW. And if he maintains it was just a close friendship then I'd never have him back because he'd not be appreciating the damage it's done.

I'd never trust him again either. After crushing my soul in such a way how can I even let it be him who attempts to build it back up?? Not sure I'd allow him to try now.

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Bones2017 · 11/04/2017 14:07

Might it be worth sending the letter? If he's confused it might help him understand me and how he's made me feel. X

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