My husband left me and I have no closure

[Bones2017]

My husband left me and my kids (7&3) 10 weeks ago. We've been together for 20 years since we were 18 yrs old and married for 5. It seemed out of the blue to me at the time but looking back now, things have been harder for a short while.
Since last summer he seemed distant. He'd sit in another room on his computer whilst I watched telly. He'd be late home from work most nights. I found porn on his computer. He was protective over his phone also. One morning he was getting a text from a woman and he explained it was a colleague letting him know she'd be late in. Maybe. There was impotence issues also which I put down to him starting to smoke again. I had asked a few times if we were ok and if he'd met someone but he always denied it and reassured me that he loved me.
There was times when I didn't know where his wages were going and I had to work extra to make ends meet. He took out Payday loans behind my back also.
So the night before he left, we had sex and it was different. He really pulled at my hair and he hurt me. When I fell asleep, he went through my phone and read some messages to friends that I'd written about some of my troubles with him. He then sat me down the next night and told me that there was no trust anymore. He said he needed some time out and would be leaving me. Of course I begged him to stay and thought it was all my fault. He was very angry with me.
2 weeks after leaving me, he was viewing places to rent. He wants me to stay in the house. Wants me to carry on as normal living the life we've built together whilst he has some space.
He's denied anyone else being involved twice since he left and has said he felt like he was in a rut. Poor excuse if you ask me. I feel lost. Don't know how to carry on in the house without him. Unsure about my future and how this is affecting my kids. My confidence and self worth is shattered.
But what's killing me is that I really don't feel like I have a valid reason for him leaving. He won't go to counselling. At least If I thought there was another woman, id have closure. But no. And I'm just so broken and lost.

Well I certainly don't hate my H. I don't think you can be hurt unless you love them. But slowly but slowly I know my emotions are 'checking out'
Most of the time now, I couldn't care who he's with now. But that's always been in my nature - if you don't want me then I'd rather you just say and go. What hurts me is the complete disrespect and manner in which he did it. Especially after 19 years together.
I'm working completely on myself and my kids now. Trying to rebuild my confidence and self worth back up. And to guide my girls through these important junior school years.
It's exhausting now I'm back at work. But I'll be ok.
And all the threads and stories I read it seems it rarely works out for these men as they wished for. But time will tell.

My H rang me yesterday from his work car park in tears. Wanting me to hold off on divorce for a few weeks. He asked if he could come see me. He came last night. He says he's not even kissed this woman. He's just talked to her and had a friendship. Maybe what we'd call an emotional affair? I don't know.
He feels depressed and doesn't know how long he's been like this. He's made a dr appointment for later in the month.
I've said the divorce will go ahead but I'll be here to support him.
I'm more confused now than ever

He says his heads messed up and he doesn't know if he's made a mistake.

Hi Bones, i have been following your thread from the start and had a feeling this was going to happen at some point.

What a bloody fool he is. You have stood strong against him and his wishes and took back the control and now he is facing the consequences.

I can imagine you are feeling really confused now, but stay strong and let him now prove his intentions and move heaven and earth to repair the damage he has caused you and your DC.

Thats the only way you can maybe reach a lasting and permanent decision on the way forward for you all.

It must be horrible for you having this thrown at you now.

Take care and keep us updated

M xx

Thanks M
This actually makes me feel more in control. He's still confused. He's admitted he's feeling guilt about what I've gone through and I think he's realising now that his relationship with this woman was at the very least inappropriate. He's going to the doctors soon. He thinks he has depression. He's assuring me that there has been no PA between him and her and he seems adamant about that.
I'm just gonna press on and divorce him. He knows how I feel but I've also said I won't wait around as a back up plan & I won't compete for him either.
So the ball is now in his court. But we've decided to divorce regardless whatever the outcome.

Oh bones, I cant imagine how confusing this must be for you. You need to do whatever you feel is right for you and your girls. Maybe take things slowly and see what happens.

Sending you lots of love xxxx

Probably the realisation that you were serious about divorce and that you were not prepared to wait around has left him reeling. He has thought you to be his back up plan.
Stick to your plans, if you were to have a relationship again with your H it would be a different relationship altogether. So fresh slate for you either way.
stay strong

I don't think even he knows what he wants so I'm just going to carry on. If he's meant to be back with me then I have to trust that it will happen one day. But I'm divorcing him so it won't be as a married couple.

And at least now I know I can be ok without him. I've always thought this may have been some kind of 'fog' he's been going through. Men are just weaker than us.

Goodness Bones - it's certainly never dull is it!? Not sure if I buy all the 'nothings happened' though. Do men really destroy the lives for a flirt and chat. Doubtful I'd guess.

Hope you're okay? I must say I'm very very impressed with your restraint as the urge to just forget it all must be overwhelming.

Good on you for sticking to your guns (duly taking note over here!)

Hang in there Bones

No he has to be made to realise. What happens later happens. But I need to divorce him. That much I know. But I've also told him how I feel about him but stressed that I am ok without him also. He can never do this to me again.

What would you do in my shoes? If he did decide he wanted another chance, what would you do? I'm still very much in two minds. I believe he's not slept with her. But I think he's defiantly at least had an emotional affair that he can't yet admit to himself even.

Bones I've just rtft and you've come so far but your last couple of posts seem to be slipping backwards like he's got into your head again.

It's very unlikely that he hasn't slept with the ow.

I think the only way to possibly move forward together would be for him to agree to full disclosure and absolute transparency of ALL financial transactions and passwords to his secret email/facebook and WhatsApp messages.

I have to say though I'd guess that if she's married too then the money side of things has gone on hotel rooms? Again, sit down with him and have all the transactions highlighted- you need honest answers.

If he can't/won't give that then continue as you were before he got in your head.
A lot of the time while you were at work I guess they'd be chatting on Skype? Not sure if that can be logged.

Personally I think he's trying to keep a safety net there for himself but that's not fair on you.
Take back control and be happy without the stress and upset of trying to work him out.

I'd never say the following to him because he's got to make his own decisions about what he wants. But I think that if he decided he wanted back in, I'd give it another try.
In the 19 years we've been together I've not once doubted how he felt about me before this. So this could be some sort of MLC.
We've been through a lot as a couple. We've been through a late miscarriage and lots of other stresses and always supported each other.
This is very out of character for him. And I feel I know him better than he knows himself. I actually asked him about 6 weeks ago if he was depressed. And now he thinks he is.

I can never forget what he's put me through because of how ill I got and the pain is and was unbearable. I didn't want to live. He'd have to accept that and ensure that he gives me his all. But like a lot of you will completely understand, I love him. And I always will.

I'll let you all know how this pans out. I won't let him back without boundaries and that's even if that's the decision he comes to. I'm still not sure he will. But we'll see.

I'm going to keep my strength about me though and not appear any different than I've been doing. And the divorce will go ahead.

Bones you make great choices, so just give it time. He's broken your trust so it should take you a while to decide what to do. If you're right that it was just a MLC then there may be no need to divorce. But what if pp is right and he's just tricking you for his own benefit? Read their exchanges on his phone or email. Look through his spending. Surely moving on as a couple could only work if you trust him 100% again? Otherwise this will all play in your head constantly. But there's no rush. Take your time.

Thanks start you're right. And to be honest, I don't know if it would be right to take him back. I think I worry for him more than anything now after seeing him in such a state.

I do love him and I always will. But he's treated me so awfully even before he left me. I have to take time to think this over. I cannot have him doing this to me again.

And anyway, that's if he does decide he wants back. He's not actually said the words yet. He's only said he's confused and has thought he may have made a mistake.

Even the thought of him thinking of another woman over me kills me. And you'd probably have to appreciate how much he's idolised me over the years to see what I mean. I was always just so sure of his love for me. Now that's gone hasn't it?

It's an awful ride this.

Bones, you can only know whether you two could start again.
But you asked what do we think, and for what it's worth, I think he's wavering, because he realises now exactly what he's lost, coupled with finding out the grass isn't greener.

My ex sent me a long email three months after he left, saying he was in a bad place, didn't know what he wanted. He was dropping strong hints that he had regrets. If I'd clicked my fingers, he'd have been back in a heartbeat.

I considered it, even though he was by then living with OW, I gave it serious thought. Twenty plus years together, three kids....

But I ignored his email and pressed on with the divorce because dear Bones the damage was done. The trust had gone. And if I had him back I knew their would always be that niggle, that he was back because things weren't great with her, rather than he couldn't live without me.

I think you are different, I think you want to try again. That's fine. But don't minimise the OW, I mean I think it's unlikely that there wasn't a kiss (at least). I'm a bit baffled as to why push ahead with a divorce and go through the stress and expense of it if you think you may later reconcile?

Perhaps tell him you'll put it on hold for three months. See him to talk things through, tell him your concerns, set your boundaries and both of you keep an open mind. Joint counselling if you think you may give it another shot.

Most of all, be brutally honest with yourself. Do you still love him? Can you trust him again? Can you cope with finding out later down the line that it was more than an EA? I think it probably was.

Good luck

Cary you're saying some brilliantly sensible things. How are things for you now?

Thanks for asking Startoftheyear2017, I'm ok, thank you. I take it a day at a time, stay positive (mostly!) and just get on with it. I have a lot to be thankful for. I never expected to be single again when I reached middle age, but it has it's upside! Hope you are ok?

Him doing that on This has completely knocked the wind out of me again. I went on a bit of a high knowing he was feeling like shit. Probably a bit hopeful I suppose also.

The nightmares are back and I've hardly eaten since Thursday. I've felt like I'm waiting again. I've had a friend check his social media and they're both still following each other so there. So their relationship can't be over.

I've just woke after a night shift and I could punch myself in the face for how I've felt. I could never trust him again or feel like the only one he wants. I'd forever be looking over my shoulder and wanting to check on him. So I've decided I just can't live like that. And I'd feel like I was competing forever for him when I've always said it's the last thing I'd do.

The trust is gone so there'd be nothing left to rebuild.

This was just a wobble for him. I had those too and he completely rejected me again after each and every one. And he didn't care. So it's definitely over. Because if and when he asks, there's just nothing left to build back up. Especially when there's still so much I feel like I don't know (the bank account, emails, what's app). I just couldn't live like that. I'd rather be alone despite how I feel about him.

Don't beat yourself up about the way you've reacted. Please don't be hard on yourself. None of this is your fault.

Dust yourself down, step back a bit and see it for what it was/is, just a blip.

Best advice I was ever given was, 'treat yourself as you would your best friend', so do that.

You had a lot of life, years, experiences with this man. You're not a robot, you can't just stop loving someone, so accept that you care, that's ok, it means you're human. Work on detaching, focusing on the future, and forgive yourself for the last couple of days, although you have nothing to forgive, but you know what I'm getting at.