My husband left me and I have no closure

[Bones2017]

My husband left me and my kids (7&3) 10 weeks ago. We've been together for 20 years since we were 18 yrs old and married for 5. It seemed out of the blue to me at the time but looking back now, things have been harder for a short while.
Since last summer he seemed distant. He'd sit in another room on his computer whilst I watched telly. He'd be late home from work most nights. I found porn on his computer. He was protective over his phone also. One morning he was getting a text from a woman and he explained it was a colleague letting him know she'd be late in. Maybe. There was impotence issues also which I put down to him starting to smoke again. I had asked a few times if we were ok and if he'd met someone but he always denied it and reassured me that he loved me.
There was times when I didn't know where his wages were going and I had to work extra to make ends meet. He took out Payday loans behind my back also.
So the night before he left, we had sex and it was different. He really pulled at my hair and he hurt me. When I fell asleep, he went through my phone and read some messages to friends that I'd written about some of my troubles with him. He then sat me down the next night and told me that there was no trust anymore. He said he needed some time out and would be leaving me. Of course I begged him to stay and thought it was all my fault. He was very angry with me.
2 weeks after leaving me, he was viewing places to rent. He wants me to stay in the house. Wants me to carry on as normal living the life we've built together whilst he has some space.
He's denied anyone else being involved twice since he left and has said he felt like he was in a rut. Poor excuse if you ask me. I feel lost. Don't know how to carry on in the house without him. Unsure about my future and how this is affecting my kids. My confidence and self worth is shattered.
But what's killing me is that I really don't feel like I have a valid reason for him leaving. He won't go to counselling. At least If I thought there was another woman, id have closure. But no. And I'm just so broken and lost.

Hi Bones, thats not at all irrational its normal and i totally get what you mean by the story not being over.

I just think its unfinished business and all the time he is infatuated with OW he will believe she is offering everything to make him happy.
This of course is guaranteed to fall flat on its face and he will bit by bit start to realise that she will never measure up to what he stupidly left behind.
So yes he will regret it massively but not at the moment.
I know its hard its awful but hold tight be strong and keep moving forward, you will find yourself in a stronger better place and will be able to make the right decision when that time comes..and it will.

Its hard, hurtful and horrible but you are doing an amazing job of showing him what a fool he is and what he has thrown away.

Take care
M xx

Thanks M, my dignity and pushing on is all I can do really. I'm sure we all want to kick and scream shouting obscenities but I know it'll do me no good and just gives him reason to justify his actions and intentions further.

I feel that I almost know him better than anyone else you see whilst not knowing him at all at the same time! I worry for him when it does come crashing down around him if it ever does

I have to keep reminding myself that I have concrete black and white proof of a secret relationship with him and another woman too. I still worry that I've got this all wrong sometimes so find myself reading over my evidence again to reinforce what I believe has been happening. And he still denies that 'anythings happened' between them. I assume he means sex but like I've said, even the emotional connection kills me. He must have very different views of his actions to what I have.

Obviously I have absolutely no idea of the validity of what your X is telling you regarding OW Bones but unbeknownst to mine I finally found evidence that he is indeed cohabiting with OW and he's still insisting there's nothing going on!

Well johnny I had his mobile phone bills. And after a certain date (after a work's night out he went on) in the summer, he seems to be ringing her incessantly and constantly. Except when I'm at work. He doesn't ring her then... I assume they used what's app or email. I only have the phone logs. It's crazy. As he finishes work, then as soon as I leave for work (I work nights) it starts and carries on into the early hours. And since that date in the summer, it's almost every day on his bills. Except for my days off.

After seeing them I felt I was looking at only a small ripple of the water. I haven't seen his what's app or emails or secret Facebook account. So I can only imagine what's in them.

I keep looking at the bills to reassure myself that I'm not crazy or getting it wrong. I can't be wrong. Anyone who could see these bills thinks it's strange.

He admits that her husband doesn't know. How could he not unless they've already separated considering the calls go into early hours? Yet he maintains that it's a friendship and nothing more. He's adamant that 'nothing's happened'

Yet he doesn't want to be with me anymore or even try.
The fact that the calls start so suddenly on that date too make me even more suspicious. Surely a growing friendship or relationship would have gradual increasing calls rather than a sudden burst of activity??

I am going to call about councelling today as i can get through work and im still off sick, due back on the 10th but still dont feel ready 😭 my husband is now complaining about me texting him telling me how shit i feel every time im having a bad day, the way i see it is why should he be getting on with life like nothing has happened and im trying to keep everyone happy, im an idiot but just want my son to be happy, him and his dad were so close but it got to a place where my son wouldnt look at him,ive managed to get them back on track and he had him all weekend but he knows i want that bitch nowhere near him and that i will never change my mind about, its our sons 14th birthday coming up and ive even organised a meal with the three of us now i dont know if i will get through it,while off work ive joined firness classes and ive starting to meet new people,the worst part of our marraige was i lived his life for 17yr every night out, the 1 holiday and the odd weekends where for him and his friends even my 50th all his friends for a night out, my friends he didnt like so only have one close friend left i can talk to and one mutual friend who is his best mates wife! All i want is to be happy and the same place that *!!!!!! Is in now

Reading that back I dont know why i didnt leave him yrs ago 😣

Why Bev? Has something happened years ago too? X

God, I read other people's stories and have a complete disbelief that my H has turned into a character like this. You NEVER think it could happen to you do you? X

Everyone thinks my husband is the dogs bollocks always talking about how much he loves his family then all of a sudden we ordered new sofa December new bed in jan then he just walked in feb absolutely no idea anything was wrong.. I've blamed myself for being a crap wife and mother, being fat, being old, being ugly but you know what he was sat in this house tonight and i just seebhim with hate now and act as false as he does the shit even had the nerve to give my son and 22yr old daughter who can't stand looking at him a hug as he left and bloody high fives me ...what the he'll is going on in his head I will never know!!!

I don't know how old your husband is bones mine is 44 and the more I read hes just another statistic of middle age men and midlife crisis if they had guts they would just leave if not happy not wait until they have something better lined up..its us that have to pick up all the pieces and his new girlfriend when I called her a homewrecker and told her my son knew she had the bloody cheek to tell me how shit a mother I was and a disgrace ! Cheeky cow she had only been kicked out by her husband a week before mine went! I just hope she ends up going back and hes left in the devistated mess he left us in and has nothing! Im just so angry but would rather get it out of my system on here than texting him as I've sent some stinkers all true though

I decided to tell my DH this evening that I think we should fight for our marriage, not accept his decision to bring it to an end. We would have been married 21 years in May and were together for 3 years before that. It's a long time. He seems totally happy to end it because he's unhappy. No clear reasons, very little passion and effort from him. It makes me SO cross. We should be trying to work out where things went wrong and why.
He has changed into someone I hate. I used to think he was perfect. What an idiot I was. He fooled everyone - our families, our friends our own bloody DC. I hope he is miserable for ever and ever.

Startofthyear I feel exactly the same all I want Is for mine to be miserable I hope everyday that his bitch dumps him and I can sit back relax and smile ..its the humiliation on top of everything because no one, not even his best mate had any idea what's so ever ..cowards ..mine said he wanted to be happy didn't give a hoot about anyone else's feelings just his but hes always been selfish it just pisses me off !

Start it's hard when you don't understand why they're doing what they are doing or deciding. But I backed off because I knew that the more I pushed, the more he'd pull away. It was no use. I just knew this time.
I can't just switch my feelings for my H off. I'll always probably love him. But he doesn't love me. And it bloody hurts. But there's really nothing we can do. And whilst there's someone else in the wings, they're focused on that unfortunately. They aren't thinking of us. Only themselves and their new ventures.

Mine wants to be friends with me as if that's ok texting me to see if I'm ok telling me he will always care using pet names and jokes we had between ourselves and telling me these things were ours and won't change!!!! Last week he was laying on depression telling me he wasn't coping as well as i thought he was, hadn't shaved for a week then suddenly snapped out of it. I then found out someone had I formed her husband who was threatening to stop her money so now I think his depressive state was prob her backing off but know he was with her Sunday and turned up Monday fully shaven and feeling better than ever ..what an ass, the wanting to be friends is to stop me making waves he thinks I'm bloody stupid!!!

Hi ladies, hows everyone doing today?

Can I ask have any of you had a blip where you start reading too much into stuff, and thinking maybe your ex is starting to regret what he's done?

Im in this horrible place at the moment where if he puts a kiss on a text im wondering why, and when he does text im thinking he's obviously not with her so have they split!! Pathetic I know, I just can't seem to stop over analysing everything.

I know if im wrong, which im sure I am that I will get hurt all over again and it'll be my fault. I have started to almost forget what he's done. I need to get back to being angry and hating him, and remembering how he's treated me and DS. Xxx

I have a list sick of all he's done. It's kept me grounded abbot although I've had days when I hope he'd regret it all and beg for forgiveness

What's yours doing to make you think he's regretting?

I think that's what I need a list!!!!

Nothing specific other than the kisses on texts, the way he's a lot more friendly on his texts, and the OW seems not to be on the scene as much. Now ive written it it sounds absolutely stupid. I think I needed to do that.

I suppose I am just longing for the day he says he knows he's made a mistake. I dont want him back, I think I just want to know I could have him back and that id won (almost as if its a competition between me and OW). God im pathetic!!! Xx

If she's dumped him you never want to be second best. But if he's dumped her because he's realised then that's up to you. But you have to imagine what the future would hold for you and you alone. Could you move past this? Because he'll have no idea what you've been through. He's not lived it you see. But he's caused it. He'll have no appreciation for your pain.

Part of the horror of all this is being out of control. My DH always ended texts with xxx and now he writes his initial. It grates every time.
He spent last night away from the house. I'd asked him to plan some nights away to reduce the pressure as we're trying to keep things normal until after the summer exams.
Yesterday morning (before he heads off) he did his 'personal grooming' leaving trimmed hair all over the bathroom floor. Then I check his whatsapp usage last night and he doesn't use it all evening unlike every other evening when he's on it constantly. But he denies there's an OW! Doesn't stack up does it?

No that doesn't stack up start. Do you think he was with her?

I've got to a point now where I've realised I can only control myself. His actions and treatment of me before he left were a result of HIS confusion and HIS conflicting thoughts and feelings. He knows how I felt/feel. Im maintaining low contact and he text on Monday to say he'd been served with the divorce papers. I've not replied to the text.

I can't help how I feel about him. And I have no idea what the future holds. I'm gonna hold on to my lovely memories of our years together and hope that one day he'll at least appreciate what we once had also.

We can't control them but we have total control over us and ourselves now. X

Sickofthis I know exactly how you feel, when mine is here now I feel hate not love yet this morning I woke up still with the horrible pain in the pit of my stomach because I know he was with her last night, all I want right now is for them to be over him to be in the state I've been in when he realises what hes done and then be able to tell him to piss off. I think I will feel happy then it will be 2 month on Sat for me and when I think about things logically I can't remember last time I was actually happy! I am going to his mothers tonight so we can give our son his birthday gifts together then out for food tomorrow don't know how I'm going to get through it but for my son's sake I will, I'm thinking about joining eharmony even though I know I will never trust another man but just to see what all the excitement is about and chat I just want to feel human again instead of the bloody wreck he has me in. I have to endure my sons football match on Sunday knowing that he will be there as his coach and she will be there for her son, my son's best mate!!!!! My Husband is now trying to be mates with me which for my son's sake Ive been going along with but high fiving me as he leaves the house really!!! I feel like punching him in the face 😠

That sounds horrendous bev, I cant believe you'll actually have to see them both!!!

I think it is all about control and thats the hardest part. We have no control over what they've done/doing, and its almost impossible to accept.

I hate this roller-coaster of emotions. I literally flit from one feeling to another, and the sick feeling still hasnt gone even 7 weeks on.

I want to be over him. I want to not be wondering if he's with her and what hes thinking every minute of the day. The only time its not on my mind is when im asleep.

Its just so unfair how someone you thought you knew can treat you this way, and basically walk away

Ladies I'm now nearly 17 weeks in and I promise you - the pain does dull. It's definitely not gone, but it gets easier.

I spoke to a friend last night who said that when I'm stronger and least expecting it, that's when he'll be sorry.

I'm at a place now where I know I couldn't have him back regardless. And not because of the OW. I know people can work through that. But I couldn't go back because of the way he blameshifted and the way I was treated and discarded like shit after so long just so he could side step out of our lives. It's that that I'll never forgive him for

He always knew I'd always respect the truth. That was always an understanding in our relationship- so I thought. We'd discussed it over the years. That if one of us wanted out, we'd be honest.

Never happened that way. X

Hi ladies. I'm totally feeling your pain. Have had a massive regression that I now need to work through again. Why can't the fucked just tell the truth!!!???

Sick - I'm the same with these ups and downs. I feel so out of control in my own life. Literally like I could just lay down and scream! My kids are all that's getting me through as they need caring for regardless of how much I feel like curling up and hiding.

Bones - you give me hope. I know it's always going to be hard. Much easier to be the checkout-er than the checkout-ee. Atm I can't imagine not loving him, nor can I imagine not hating him for whats he's destroyed.