My husband left me and I have no closure

[Bones2017]

My husband left me and my kids (7&3) 10 weeks ago. We've been together for 20 years since we were 18 yrs old and married for 5. It seemed out of the blue to me at the time but looking back now, things have been harder for a short while.
Since last summer he seemed distant. He'd sit in another room on his computer whilst I watched telly. He'd be late home from work most nights. I found porn on his computer. He was protective over his phone also. One morning he was getting a text from a woman and he explained it was a colleague letting him know she'd be late in. Maybe. There was impotence issues also which I put down to him starting to smoke again. I had asked a few times if we were ok and if he'd met someone but he always denied it and reassured me that he loved me.
There was times when I didn't know where his wages were going and I had to work extra to make ends meet. He took out Payday loans behind my back also.
So the night before he left, we had sex and it was different. He really pulled at my hair and he hurt me. When I fell asleep, he went through my phone and read some messages to friends that I'd written about some of my troubles with him. He then sat me down the next night and told me that there was no trust anymore. He said he needed some time out and would be leaving me. Of course I begged him to stay and thought it was all my fault. He was very angry with me.
2 weeks after leaving me, he was viewing places to rent. He wants me to stay in the house. Wants me to carry on as normal living the life we've built together whilst he has some space.
He's denied anyone else being involved twice since he left and has said he felt like he was in a rut. Poor excuse if you ask me. I feel lost. Don't know how to carry on in the house without him. Unsure about my future and how this is affecting my kids. My confidence and self worth is shattered.
But what's killing me is that I really don't feel like I have a valid reason for him leaving. He won't go to counselling. At least If I thought there was another woman, id have closure. But no. And I'm just so broken and lost.

I found out today that he paid for their date using our joint account. I am so hurt I feel like I can't breathe.

Ive had to insist today that he does not see DS anymore. Seeing him and having this contact is making me ill and i honestly think im heading for a nervous breakdown.

I cannot carry on, I am no good to my DS in this state.

Ive now got to go and explain this to my little boy. Ive no doubt ex will now refuse to pay what he'd agreed which means we'll lose our home.

All of this for someone who has turned his head

Oh SIck I'm really sad for you and your boy. I'm sorry if it's been asked before but is there a relative or friend who could do handovers for you? Just that if you cut contact you are playing into his hands and making you the bad parent which he could use against you.

Also remove half the money in the joint account to yours and then go to the bank and ask to take your name off- I'm not sure how they do it but they can put a hold on the account until you/ he can remove both your names.

So sorry to hear what he had done sick
I'm so sad for you Also, try just to take a few deep breaths and just don't look any further than this evening. Yes see if there is anyone else available to do the handover for now ,
Sending you lots of love xx

Oh Sick, I'm so sorry you're going through this. It's horrid finding out new info. You can and will carry on. You have to for your son. You can do this because we'll all do it together. We're here for you. X

Minute by minute Sick, hour by hour, day by day. Today I feel stronger, but who knows how I'll feel tomorrow? Don't be hard on yourself or your little boy. This is all so tough and SO unfair. I want to scream from the rooftops but I can't. Just know the truth - you are a good person, you embarked on this relationship with honesty and trust and joy. HE has let you down. He has betrayed you. He is at fault. Not you. Be strong

Thanks ladies for all your kind words.

After speaking with a friend yesterday who's been through similar ive decided to continue with NC and sort one thing out at a time. If he bothers to contact me about seeing DS, I am going to tell him he cant until the financial side is sorted.

He needs to pay half of the cost of our seperation agreement and actually sign it. He hasnt so far as he says he cant afford it but I see where he spends all his money as he uses the joint account! So if he knows he cannot see DS until he signs the agreement and the maintenance forms, it will prove how much he actually cares for DS and wants to see him.

This can all be done within a couple of weeks so I will tell DS he's away with work. I know some people will think this is me putting myself before what's best for DS, but it really isnt. If I continue to have to worry about so many things I will self destruct. I am trying to be in the best place/mindset for DS as im the one thats with him 24 /7, and the only way I can do this is by sorting one thing at a time.

Sick can't you pay for the separation agreement just to get it done? It'll ultimately give you the protection you need for yourself and your son.

I'd be careful trying to hold back contact with your son though. It just gives him ammunition and might cause extra stress on you. Hope that makes sense. I know it's hard when you're hurt and angry. Xxx

Its £1000, but yes I could but just dont think i should have to, and also he still has to sign it or its a waste of money.

My solicitor did say I could withdraw contact at any time if I felt it was having a detrimental effect on DS, which it is.

If it came to it and he took me to court for access, he would only ever get supervised visits. I cant go into why I know this but im confident this would be the case.

7 weeks ago we were a normal family, now our lives are in tatters and im on the verge of a breakdown. Its like a bad dream

Argh right Sick. I'm sorry I didn't understand that there were other reasons for holding contact. And because their is, I think you're right to. X

Sick it's so hard isn't it? I've had a shit week this week and also feel like I'm struggling to cope but desperately trying to keep it together for the DCs.

Absolutely get where you're coming from too regarding your STBXH letting your little boy down - mine did this a couple of weeks ago, said he had a "work event" so couldn't have DS and then his OW posted pics of their weekend away! Same this weekend, he's not having him and couldn't even be bothered to fabricate an excuse. DS was in tears last night His self absorption truly knows no bounds. I want to send a ranty text but I know it's pointless because he simply doesn't give a shit. Like you, a couple of months ago I thought everything was fine, it's a total headfuck.

I feel exactly the same johnnymarr. How can someone just walk away from their children. How can he put another women before our DS. Just how, I could not live with myself

Hey ladies - sorry you've had a shit few days. I think NC can be a godsend, even if temporary, just to give you some respite from the torture.

Good days to come all round I hope.

I've gone back to work after 4 months off. I felt ready. And now I feel like I'm on a downward spiral again. Maybe it's having to 'explain' to people enquiring but it's torture. I'm 4 months post split out the blue and 1 month since I found proof of OW.
So many years down the line. And my soul mate does this. I feel like I've lived a wasted life. No hope or peace. My girls don't have a full time dad. I feel in despair. Functioning but in despair.
How on earth could MY husband do this to us?? It's just not him. X

Ahh Bones I've been asking myself the same question. I think the answer is only that he's totally moved on. Which sounds horrid but appears to be true. He's not my husband anymore in his mind. He has new priorities and a new life which he doesn't want me as part of.
In our minds we are remembering all the good times, the love and the best parts of the 20 years we had together. In their minds they remember the bad parts, the arguments and the having to be tied down to a wife at home. They are able to totally focus on the future the new woman and what their new freedom can bring for them while we are left flailing in the wind with an unknown future ahead which is so scary.

I think I can almost accept him leaving me. He left his wife and unborn child just after we met (not for me, and I had no idea she was pregnant). I should have realised what kind of a monster he was.

Therefore I almost feel it was my own fault for thinking it would be different for us. I should have known he'd never change.

What I cannot grasp is how he can leave DS. How someone new can be more important than my beautiful, clever amazing little boy.

We've been swept aside as he finished with us and we are surplus to requirements now. Its what he does I suppose, once he's bored of partner and child he tosses them to the scrap heap and moves on to the next victim.

His 9 year old (he's never even bothered to meet) has had a lucky escape in my eyes!

I'm unfortunately going through exactly the same thing, there were no arguments absolutely nothing that happened for me to even think it would happen, he had however been quiet the week leading up to the bombshell. I was actually at work and received a text stating he didn't want to live with me anymore ! This after 17yr together 15 yr married, i was devistated had to leave work straight away met up with him when he finished work in a carpark where I was told he loved me but wasn't in love with me! The the next cleche was its not you its me. I immediately got out of his car and drove home in a cloud of disbelieve,like yourself i needed answers and dug and dug until he finally admitted there was someone nothing had happened before he left but he still left for that reason they had been messaging each other, he left on the 8th of Feb and our son is absolutely devistated the woman is his best friends mother, they play football on the same team which has made things impossible as I won't allow them to be around my son at the same time, when it came out my son told me he had been getting teased for weeks at school even before he left because of the way they were acting messing about and hugging in front of everyone at matches.
I'm so furious and going through a mixture of anger hate and hurt it's so hard. Hes living at his mothers while I'm in the family home but I know the house will have to go up for sale soon he's not going to be able to keep paying the mortgage and I can't so dont know what the future holds 😣im still off work sick getting through one day at a time antidepressants and diazepam, he's 44 but he did the same thing 4 yr ago with my sons friends mother that time as well but nothing happened as I was suspicious and checked his phone after a night out, I honestly wish I had chucked home put then she didn't leave her husband so no need for him to leave and I didn't want the family to break up. Now I just feel like a fool once bitten I should have chucked him then. Now all I want to do is make sure they split up I want him to be hurting for what he has done and have the sleepless nights and upset I've had!!!!!

Oh Bev, sorry to have to have to welcome you to the thread but please know you have us to talk to here. This has been a massive support for me.

There is sometimes a time when you think back and think you could've dodged the bullet earlier. My H left me in August but came back after a week. I wish I'd have told him to stay gone then too.

But we're where we are aren't we girls so let's get each other through. Day by day we'll all get better. They don't deserve us. X

So sorry bev to hear what has happened.
Sounds absolutely awful what you and your son have had to face.
There is lots of support on here to help you through.
We've all been in your shoes so we can try to help you through this minefield.
Xx

Thanks girls, its just so hard i know hes with her tonight and im a mess again its the embarrassment on top of everything else im 51 now shes 40 i feel like my life wont go anywhere from here i feel i dont have future, he is however still in his sons life and has had him over the weekend but he has dropped him off and gone straight to her and that hurts 😭😭😭

It's all so rubbish. How they can seek solace in someone else I just don't understand. They should feel so guilty. They didn't make the marriage work. They failed. How could they let us believe we were in a happy, balanced and trusting relationship? We can't all be idiots. They led us to believe. They deserve to feel never-ending pain. They're all actors. We were honest and true. We stay on to support our lovely children. We scrimp and save while they fritter. I am so cross with my stupid, selfish DH. Nothing will change that anger. I just hope friends and family make him realise what he's lost.

Yes it's so hard bev.
I am of a similar age to you and understand exactly how you feel.
It so painful watching them all loved up and your heartbroken and left picking up the pieces of your shattered family life.
It really hurts , you've done the right thing by getting some tablets from your dr. Have you considered counselling also?
Xx

Yes counselling has been a god send to me Bev.

I want to broach the subject with my H of introducing his OW to the kids. I'd like to make an agreement that he won't do it for a certain amount of time. But whilst he's still denying it I can't really talk about it to him can I? I'm just so scared of my little girls being exposed to her way too soon. X

So sorry to hear that you're in the same boat as the rest of us Bev, sadly it's a pretty horrid place to be. You honestly mustn't be embarrassed though - he's the one who should be embarrassed by what he's done!

Bones I hope you're feeling better again soon. You've hit the nail on the head with "functioning but in despair" - that's just how I feel. With even the functioning bit largely going awol some days

Apparently STBXH has blocked me from his phone today as he has no time for my "constant abuse" Said "abuse" consists of me telling him he needs to step up to the plate and prioritise his son over OW. He hasn't had him again this weekend. Because he was tired! Wtf am I supposed to do when I fancy a little rest?! Call social services?!

Twunt.

Right, here's a thing -

I have complete confidence that at the moment, because of his denials and present state of not understanding how I feel, divorce is the only way. I have to move forward for me and the kids. It's the right thing to do.

However, is it irrational of me to have this utter belief that one day he'll realise and be truly sorry and want forgiveness? Not saying I would but I just feel like our story isn't over yet. Maybe that's abnormal to feel or 'a little bit of' want?

Does that make sense at all? That I feel that it's not over yet?