My husband left me and I have no closure

[Bones2017]

My husband left me and my kids (7&3) 10 weeks ago. We've been together for 20 years since we were 18 yrs old and married for 5. It seemed out of the blue to me at the time but looking back now, things have been harder for a short while.
Since last summer he seemed distant. He'd sit in another room on his computer whilst I watched telly. He'd be late home from work most nights. I found porn on his computer. He was protective over his phone also. One morning he was getting a text from a woman and he explained it was a colleague letting him know she'd be late in. Maybe. There was impotence issues also which I put down to him starting to smoke again. I had asked a few times if we were ok and if he'd met someone but he always denied it and reassured me that he loved me.
There was times when I didn't know where his wages were going and I had to work extra to make ends meet. He took out Payday loans behind my back also.
So the night before he left, we had sex and it was different. He really pulled at my hair and he hurt me. When I fell asleep, he went through my phone and read some messages to friends that I'd written about some of my troubles with him. He then sat me down the next night and told me that there was no trust anymore. He said he needed some time out and would be leaving me. Of course I begged him to stay and thought it was all my fault. He was very angry with me.
2 weeks after leaving me, he was viewing places to rent. He wants me to stay in the house. Wants me to carry on as normal living the life we've built together whilst he has some space.
He's denied anyone else being involved twice since he left and has said he felt like he was in a rut. Poor excuse if you ask me. I feel lost. Don't know how to carry on in the house without him. Unsure about my future and how this is affecting my kids. My confidence and self worth is shattered.
But what's killing me is that I really don't feel like I have a valid reason for him leaving. He won't go to counselling. At least If I thought there was another woman, id have closure. But no. And I'm just so broken and lost.

Thanks Prezel. Your post means a lot.
He was my soul mate. We were us. Everyone wanted to be like us. We were perfect for so long. It's heartbreaking divorcing someone you love so much. But he's gone now. And I'm dealing with someone who doesn't feel what I do.

I'll plod on. And I know I'm getting stronger. But I worry there's a wire mesh around my heart now. And if I feel like I do now when opportunity arises, I'll miss my chance and be alone forever. I don't want all the new experiences with anyone else now. I feel too old for all that. And if I still love my H (and I think I always will) them it's unfair to anyone else to embark on anything. X

Sick, how did you find out by the way?? X

Bones, the fact that as you say he feels differently now doesn't mean that he didn't genuinely love you for a long time, and it doesn't mean that you are not worth loving. He would never have stayed with you for nineteen years if either of those were the case. It really sounds to me like your ExH is having a 100% classic midlife crisis. Not that this makes it any easier, but it does go some way towards explaining his behaviour and it supports the high likelihood that this is nothing to do with you personally.

It is a bereavement for you and it is much too soon to feel like being with somebody else. But you are sorting this with a lot of dignity and a lot of focus on the wellbeing of your children and if you can do that, I don't think you will miss a good chance or be alone for ever hugs.

My dignity and my beautiful girls are all I have now. And I'm happy with that. I look back on my relationship with him with love and fond memories. And he's given me my girls. So I suppose I'm thankful to him for those. I just miss him. I miss him with all my heart.
But I'll keep my head up. I don't wish him any harm. I just hope one day he realises that what we had was amazing. I'll never have that with anyone again. I'm just sorry it ended before it's time. X

Yes you are grieving the loss of a relationship and all your hopes and dreams .
It is devastating and you have to mourn what you had together, that will take time bones
You have all your memories of the time you had together and your DC.
It's normal to miss him.
It's so painful and heartbreaking what they have done, but you are doing so so well. Please remember that. Xx

I'm so sorry to hear what has happened. My husband did the same to me on monday, walked out after 12 years and 3 kids, his not given any good reasons either.
I hope you learn to cope on your own and i hope you get the closure you need

He put a picture of their date night on social media for all to see. It was in the pub two doors from my office and nowhere near his. We work in London, there must be thousands of pubs. What reasons would someone have to do that other than wanting me to find out, or to hurt me even more?

So sorry you had to find out in such a cruel way sick
How are you feeling today.
Who knows what goes on in their deluded minds
Xx

To be honest that hasnt affected me as much as I thought it would. The worst thing for me was him letting DS down and lying about it, to go stay at hers. That in my eyes is disgraceful.

I just feel numb at the moment. Ive still got that sick feeling inside and in two days all I've eaten is a cereal bar. I still struggle so much to understand how someone can walk out of a 10 year relationship straight into another. I dont think I'll ever get it.

I know its wrong but I spend too much time thinking about them, and working out ways to disrupt their life together. I want to not care, I suppose im just still hurting.

It's not wrong of you to think or feel how you do. It's natural. Lots of love to you xx

Wow, im still so emotional. I just read your post and its literally bought tears to my eyes. I think im too hard on myself sometimes and when someone is kind or says they understand it gets me going.

Lots of love to you too, and everyone else going through this xxxx

Yes you will be hurting and feeling numb.
They just seem to become so selfish and they put the OW before their children. It is disgraceful.
Everything you feel is normal and your mind can be consumed with what he is up too, I just think it's part of the hurt they have caused.
You can't just switch off your feelings and it will take along time not to care.
Having no appetite is part of the process but do try to eat some snacks you like Just to keep you going xx

It's the worst pain imaginable isn't it? It's just so horrid and I'm quite scared that I'll be scarred for life by this. They care for you (or so you think) and then it's gone. So awful. X

bones yes , It really is the worst pain imaginable.
I am still trying to adapt to this new situation. Everyone thinks I'm ok and have got over it , but I really haven't and I'm still struggling that our lives have been turned upside down.
I really hope we can all move on with time , lots of love to you all,
Thinking of you all xx

People expect you to move on because they aren't living it. They don't have the emotions we're experiencing. And unfortunately our H's checked out emotionally well before so they're ahead of us.

The thing that gets me through is the hope that one day he'll get it. And be sorry for at least the way he exited the Marriage. X

Yes your so right, I'm a year on but just don't seem to " be getting over it"
Like you say I don't want to be scarred for life and the rest of my life been defined by his actions.
I so want to move on , it drives me mad to let him still be consuming my thoughts and emotions.
The pain can be unbearable at times.
It seems so unfair and unjust that we are left to pick up the pieces while they swan off with their new woman.
Sorry I'm ranting now, just having a bad day 🙄Xx

Rant away Clock! That's what we're here for!

I hate that my H is so adamant about the innocence of this friendship that's been detrimental to our marriage. He just doesn't see the impact and the consequences. If it was so innocent then why was it kept secret from me and her H? If it's so innocent why did he wait until I was at work to ring her at all hours? If it's so innocent why tell me he was working late and meet her at the pub after work?? Does he think I'm that stupid?? Or is he just happy that I can't prove anything more??

I'm so done with men forever. I don't ever want anyone else. I'd never let my guard down x

Thanks bones I'm just feeling angry with myself as I'm so sick of feeling sad and so want to find some inner peace.
You will need to go through the why's of what he has done. They will lie and deny to cover up for their vile actions so they don't look like the bad guy.
I know you say you are done with men forever , but you are so young and sound such a lovely kind person with so much to offer.
Yes you need time to grieve and rebuild new beginnings for you and your DC but try not to rule anything out because of his actions.
Xx

No I'd always wonder when they're gonna do what my H did. I'd spend my life waiting for it to happen.
And if my H can do this anyone can!
He's still got his family fooled although I think they suspect something that he's not told them.

He's not my concern anyway now. I have to rebuild myself x

My confidence and self worth has been completely floored. I even feel quite violated that he still had sex with me when he was probably thinking of her. Hence the impotence at times. So heartbreaking

Yes it knocks your confidence, self worth and self esteem for six.
You feel worthless at times, I know I do.
But Don't knock your self though bones , you are a lovely decent woman who was trying to keep your family together.
He is to blame for all of this.
You must remember that.
Xx

Clock, I struggle to see things from his side. He's adamant that this relationship with her is innocent. He makes me question if maybe I have it wrong. He doesn't see how it could've been instrumental in the downfall of the marriage. He just doesn't get it.

But I also have a feeling in my heart that my story with my H isn't over. Maybe that's an acceptance issue on my part. But I just feel that there may come a day when he realises and who knows...
I'm pressing on with the divorce and stuff. At least I know while he's as he is it's over for now at least.

Sorry I'm having a very confused day today. A wobble day. X

Your allowed a wobble, it really is such early days for you, you have done so well. I'm constantly wobbling.😂
You've filed for divorce and trying to rebuild, that's all you can do.
Keep picking up the pieces and one step at a time.
Yes he may have a rethink down the line, but you are doing all the right things for now. Which is concentrating on you and DC.
X