My husband left me and I have no closure

[Bones2017]

My husband left me and my kids (7&3) 10 weeks ago. We've been together for 20 years since we were 18 yrs old and married for 5. It seemed out of the blue to me at the time but looking back now, things have been harder for a short while.
Since last summer he seemed distant. He'd sit in another room on his computer whilst I watched telly. He'd be late home from work most nights. I found porn on his computer. He was protective over his phone also. One morning he was getting a text from a woman and he explained it was a colleague letting him know she'd be late in. Maybe. There was impotence issues also which I put down to him starting to smoke again. I had asked a few times if we were ok and if he'd met someone but he always denied it and reassured me that he loved me.
There was times when I didn't know where his wages were going and I had to work extra to make ends meet. He took out Payday loans behind my back also.
So the night before he left, we had sex and it was different. He really pulled at my hair and he hurt me. When I fell asleep, he went through my phone and read some messages to friends that I'd written about some of my troubles with him. He then sat me down the next night and told me that there was no trust anymore. He said he needed some time out and would be leaving me. Of course I begged him to stay and thought it was all my fault. He was very angry with me.
2 weeks after leaving me, he was viewing places to rent. He wants me to stay in the house. Wants me to carry on as normal living the life we've built together whilst he has some space.
He's denied anyone else being involved twice since he left and has said he felt like he was in a rut. Poor excuse if you ask me. I feel lost. Don't know how to carry on in the house without him. Unsure about my future and how this is affecting my kids. My confidence and self worth is shattered.
But what's killing me is that I really don't feel like I have a valid reason for him leaving. He won't go to counselling. At least If I thought there was another woman, id have closure. But no. And I'm just so broken and lost.

If he wanted to set my mind at rest he could show me his Whatsapp and bank statements. What's he hiding?

Start== can you access his phone at all? If so you can set up Whats Chat messenger on your IPad /pc and do a QR code scan on his Whatsapp to your device you can then see his messages not old ones but certainly new ones as they come in. You can also use Whats Detective to track how much he is on it in real time.

I can't get hold of it and has fingerprint access. I plan to just ask him this evening. I have no idea what he'll say.

He refused. Point blank.

If he refused then it could be one of two things. Either he doesn't see the point because he's decided to go anyway or he has something to hide that he doesn't want you to know about. I'm sorry start. X

Start - it's infuriating isn't it! Don't be surprised if you get offered a look at his phone another time once he's had time to hide anything not intended for your eyes.

Bones - you're right about gut instinct. Think I'm being majorly gaslighted as he's making me out to have made it all up now!

User1488 - that was pretty solid evidence. So sorry. What an awful shock.

I'm sure mine would still try to lie his way out of that.

Startoftheyear2017 is he a light sleeper and could you access his phone while he is sleeping? There is no easier way to go through his phone if you use his fingerprint while his asleep. I would try to snoop!

^ love this idea!

Spoke with my husband yesterday and it's left me more confused than ever. He's adamant that he doesn't have a relationship with this woman apart from being friends. But his phone records are crazy and I find it hard to believe that there's not at least an emotional connection between them.

I told him I was very hurt by him omitting to tell me about his 'friendship' with her and laying all the blame at my feet. I told him that he let me feel so much guilt and hurt for so long. He suggested we could still 'talk' and be friends. I told him that because of what's gone on, I'd need time before we could be friends again.
I also said that I wanted him to know that I did love him and always did. I said I'd have done anything to save our family but now I want to move on and carry on getting happier with my kids.
He never suggested anything about reconciliation or anything and I don't know if I'm reading into things.
I said it hurt to think he'd not loved me for months and lied to me by saying he did.

Maybe he's starting to feel guilty now. I'm not sure. We left the conversation saying we'd just carry on trying to be the best parents we can be.

He doesn't seem to realise the significance of his 'friendship' with this woman. And maybe that's because he didn't value our marriage. He's not said the words 'I don't love you' but he doesn't correct me when I suggest that he's not loved me for months. It's heartbreaking all over again. X

Oh I've been an idiot and whatsapped my sbxh telling him how shit I feel and how sad I am and I bet he and his child/ow are having a great laugh at my expense. Why the hell did I do it? I'm such a prat. 😟

Hey ladies, sorry to hear your feeling low. User dont worry we've all done it. Just try to forget about it if you can. I know ots easier said than done!

Ive had an awful few days. Found out who the OW is and that ex lied about breaking an arrangement to see DS as he was working. He was actually with her. This is the first and last time he'll put anyone or anything before DS.

He's told me that OW wants him to have a good relationship with DS and its really bothered me. Firstly whats it got to do with her.

Do you think she's just saying this as its what she thinks he wants to hear? Personally if I didn't have children I would not want to be with someone who did. I know everyone is different, but I find it really strange and know I would hate the fact id never come first, and that he would always have to have contact with ex/be financially restricted as he pays CSA amd half mortgage.

Am I just hoping that she'll get sick of this and drop him the way he dropped us! I dont want him back. Suppose I just want him to hurt like we do.

Sorry Sick, do you know her at all? What do you know about them?

I long for H to regret too. Unfortunately for me if he's telling the truth and he's not slept with her yet then I'm in for a long wait for him to get his realisation. X

No don't know her. He still swears blind nothing at all happened while we were together, which i do not believe.

I hate the fact that there's a big chance he'll never regret what he's done.

My ex told me to my face he hadn't slept with the ow. I actually had the proof on my phone that I'd screenshot and I told him I had proof. He still denied it. Then when I'd told him the proof he tried to say it was just the once and went on to give me a time that didn't tally with the date I had. So in my experience they lie. He says he lied cos he couldn't stand to hurt me anymore than he already had. He just can't get it in his head that it's the lies that hurt more even than the truth. It's like I'm not worth the truth. He regrets hurting me I do know that but why can't these men just come clean already and be done with it?

Sick a friend sent me a message that comforts me a little. She said that for about 2-3 months after a break up where the man has left it is normally the fact that the women go through the crying and struggling with life and then we understand a little that we have our lives back together and get on with it whereas men take that time to be free and happy with their ow and it is after this time that they start to regret what they've done. So maybe there will be a time where he regrets leaving you.

Yeah I've been told that anywhere from 4-6 months onwards is when they'll realise if they do. By that time you see they can see us getting happier and managing ok.

Our time will come ladies I'm sure. X

Bones, I feel he is keeping his options open, not admitting to anything, not saying he loves you but equally not saying he does.I would not believe him about OW.Its not plausible.

He's keeping the door slightly open perhaps because the reality has hit.Awful for you as you were trying to draw a line.

If he was serious about returning what would he need to do? I think it's probadly full truth, counselling, complete openness etc.
Don't settle for less as you will always be wondering when he will disappear again.

Have you got the finances agreed? I would suggest that's key as he may go back on the agreements.

You sound a lovely lady-- Im still at home with my "Im leaving" letter already on my laptop for when I decide it suits me timing wise. I read all through your post which I had never read before although had seen you pop up on other posts. Its the lies that get you isnt it! I feel the same, the holidays you went on etc as if everything was "normal" . When I trawled back and looked at phone bills back from 2007-2010 (well after much contact was needed workwise ) there were still around 20-30 texts a month on average and at all times , most needing to be split as they were then into 2 or 3 segments.

Hermonie I don't think I'd have him back now. How could he ever make me trust him again? Not that he's asked anyway and he's still adamant so it's not even an option.

He could never make me feel like he used to make me feel. He's killed my soul. He's destroyed all the faith I had in him. I'd never believe a word he'd say to me.

But I'd still like to know if he ever regrets it.

My eldest asked me tonight did I still love daddy. I was honest with her and told her that I did. But that I'm happier now it's just us here. She said she was happy too.

Then tonight watching TV, my youngest whos 3 saw a dad on the telly with a baby and the mum was stood in the kitchen. She asked me why they have a daddy there.

Its heartbreaking isn't it. My DS is 3 and says similar things.

I don't want my ex back, but I do want him to want to come back. I dont know if its a control thing or because of the rejection.

I dont think i could have a sexual relationship with him again knowing he'd been with someone else.

We are well and truly over. Im actually excited about meeting someone new, although not yet im not ready yet.

I'll have a hard time loving anyone like I loved my H. So I don't think about future relationships yet. And when it has crossed my mind, I just dread the thoughts.

So sorry to hear that you've found the OW sick
It's hard to grasp that it's real and then for a hem to deny and tell lies makes it even harder for you.
It's all to protect themselves .
bones , sounds like yours is trying to keep his options open,
Your all doing great.
Xx

Well I do think my H is in some kind of confused state really I do. This is not the man I know at all!
He seems to say he's definitely decided he wants out but some of his actions would indicate otherwise. I do think he's confused. But that's not my concern now.

Bones I have had one long-term partner and one husband leave me like this, one of those was my soulmate. I am not sure I would look too hard for reasons why he is leaving and I'm not sure I would focus too much on the details of what he claims those reasons to be. They are very hurtful but I think some men really find it impossible to be honest about this kind of thing and you are better off drawing a line, focusing on the children and on rebuilding your life, as you say. This behaviour in husbands is alas far from uncommon so the odds are it's really not your fault . Despite it all I also think there are a lot of good guys still out there and you sound lovely so chin up, after a bit of time out you have every reason to be optimistic.

You are right to get on with divorcing him. It is in the interests of your children to get everything clearly arranged, because that way you get as much potential for conflict and instability off the table as soon as you can. Good luck, it sounds like you are doing brilliantly.