My husband left me and I have no closure

[Bones2017]

My husband left me and my kids (7&3) 10 weeks ago. We've been together for 20 years since we were 18 yrs old and married for 5. It seemed out of the blue to me at the time but looking back now, things have been harder for a short while.
Since last summer he seemed distant. He'd sit in another room on his computer whilst I watched telly. He'd be late home from work most nights. I found porn on his computer. He was protective over his phone also. One morning he was getting a text from a woman and he explained it was a colleague letting him know she'd be late in. Maybe. There was impotence issues also which I put down to him starting to smoke again. I had asked a few times if we were ok and if he'd met someone but he always denied it and reassured me that he loved me.
There was times when I didn't know where his wages were going and I had to work extra to make ends meet. He took out Payday loans behind my back also.
So the night before he left, we had sex and it was different. He really pulled at my hair and he hurt me. When I fell asleep, he went through my phone and read some messages to friends that I'd written about some of my troubles with him. He then sat me down the next night and told me that there was no trust anymore. He said he needed some time out and would be leaving me. Of course I begged him to stay and thought it was all my fault. He was very angry with me.
2 weeks after leaving me, he was viewing places to rent. He wants me to stay in the house. Wants me to carry on as normal living the life we've built together whilst he has some space.
He's denied anyone else being involved twice since he left and has said he felt like he was in a rut. Poor excuse if you ask me. I feel lost. Don't know how to carry on in the house without him. Unsure about my future and how this is affecting my kids. My confidence and self worth is shattered.
But what's killing me is that I really don't feel like I have a valid reason for him leaving. He won't go to counselling. At least If I thought there was another woman, id have closure. But no. And I'm just so broken and lost.

And to you too.

Im sure there isnt a good time of the year to split from someone, but in the last 6 weeks ive had my birthday, his birthday and now mothers day!! All occasions when we'd have gone out as a family.

Feeling a bit sorry for myself today. He cant even make the effort to get a card from DS.

Hope everyone else enjoys their day

Low day today. Think the realisation of how long he's actually been keeping the facade up kept me awake last night.

I feel ugly and unwanted again. I wonder what shite he told her about our marriage whilst at the same time reassuring me we were ok and he loved me. And still having sex with me too. Oh the violation!

Hopefully today is a rare low day and I'll be on the up again tomorrow. X

Hiya Bones. Sorry you're having a low day. Did anything in particular set you off? Hope you've got something on later today to break the day up? It makes you feel so foolish for just believing them doesn't it!? How can they tell such bare faces lies? I don't think I'll ever trust anyone fully again.

I hope you're pleased with your new hair do? Bet you look fab!

I'm having a muddled day too. Perhaps due to having seen him yesterday and him trying to play happy families as if this is how it could be all the time. Bastard - for making it out to be my fault for us being apart!

I've got some house valuations to get through today for my solicitor so maybe that's the problem. I'm not sure.
I just feel like I wish I could get into his head and see things from his point of view. See if I could understand it from his side.
If there was ever a man who I'd have argued wouldn't do this it'd be my H.

He saw the last 18 months as difficult between us. But he has to understand that when there's a third party involved that one of us (me) didn't know about then that had to influence things. He admitted once that he understood that but still wasn't open to talking about it further.

19 years and 2 kids. God. How can they just walk away?? It hurts so much. X

I just don't understand his thinking. You can't be happy for so long and then not be can you?? X

The house evaluations may be something to do with it? It was your home together where you were a family and planned a future, so it's understandable that it will dredge up the emotions of what he has shattered again.

I've seen it on here many times about the cheaters 'checking out emotionally' before they make their move and we're left playing catch up and devastated in the fallout.

I too wish I could just know the truth/ what he was thinking so I could understand fully what I'm dealing with. But I know that won't happen - he'll just keep on lying and lying some more.

He's crying every time he drops the kids off too. I just don't get it. I worry on my low days that I've got all this completely wrong. But it's in black and white that he's had at least an emotional connection with another woman and despite the fact that he's never wanted to talk about reconciling, I could never get over the betrayal if he did want to talk. I just wish I didn't love him.
I want to know what he's doing in life. I want to know if he's still communicating with her or not.
But I also know it's none of my business now. I'm divorcing him. He's not my concern now. X

I suppose I feel like I still have a sense of entitlement over him. I still feel like he's mine. He was MY soulmate, not hers. We've gone through so much over the years. How can he just forget our connection? X

^ I think you've hit the nail on the head. It's so hard to start to see yourself without them. But as you say, you can't forgive what has happened so can't see yourself with them again either. After so many years together your lives have been inextricably linked so there's lots of ties to cut.

I hope you get a big wave of girl power/ screw you attitude come very soon. As he didn't deserve you anyway. And one day he will realise his lose. Hopefully when he's lonely and miserable and you're blissfully happy! X

^loss. Silly predictive text!

Yeah I want him to be sorry. X

I know how it feels its awful and will feel this way for some time.
I have spent the last year believing i did something wrong and couldn't work out what it was. I have my own thread and have been in an awful place never knowing exactly what went so wrong.I had a strong gut feeling all along but could never prove it. She is safely tucked up North.

Its the lies and when did they start transferring their feelings on to another its soul destroying. Im so sorry you are going through this shit but you will continue to gather strength as each day passes.Take care you will win through and he will be left with nothing in the end but big regrets silly man.

A year to the day he left i finally found my proof and saw the photo on Facebook that confirmed what i had suspected all along. The filthy pig.

Your Husband like mine have thrown away the best thing they ever had and only time will realise what they have lost, and like so many say you will be well on the way to a healthy and happy future.

Look after yourself I'm with you on this horrible journey.

M xx

Thanks user I've followed your thread with interest. I'm so glad I didn't have to wait a year for my proof. That's been my reason now to move on. Sending you lots of love xx

Martina Bones Sick I'm with you. 3 weeks 2 days in now. 20 years together almost to the day and now he's gone off with a girl half his age. I snooped too. He denied everything. I told him I had irrefutable proof and he still denied it until I called his bluff. Then he had to come clean.
I strongly feel men who have depended on/ been looked after by a woman for so long don't run away to no one. There will be somebody lurking somewhere they can't be brave enough to confess to.

Hi User1488. So sorry this is happening to you too. What a bunch of shits these men are! They can't all be like this surely?!

I guess expecting complete honesty from someone who is capable of such bare face lies is a paradox anyway. I'm sure even if I caught him actually shagging someone he'd say he tripped and fell. As someone said way up thread - the truth is in the deceit.

I asked my husband for his last 6 months phone records to 'back up' his proclamations of innocence. No surprise he refused/ his word should be enough/ bla bla bla - more bullshit and lies.

I'm considering changing the locks today so I'm less of a sitting duck where he can just walk in and mess my head up.

Part of me still wants to believe what he says though. How shameful is that. I need to rapidly regrow some self esteem and self worth!

How's everyone else this morning?x

^ user - spot on about the needing a new person lined up. The cowards way.

User 1488 - just out of interest, what proof did you come across? Everything I've found my husband shrugs off and poo poos it as nothing/ im being paranoid/ I'm making myself ill/ I'm spoiling what we've got with my accusations.

He won't confess to anything.

How old was everyone when you got together?? 20 years give or take seems to be a hallmark time for these men to bolt. I wonder if being together from a young age makes them think they've missed out?? I was with my h since we were 17/18.
How about everyone else?? X

I was 21. Husband is few years older.

You could be right there though.

29, my bastard ex is 6 years younger than me x

I'm having a strong day today. Feeling quite liberated actually. I feel like life is lighter, less stressful. I have made sooo many new memories already with my girls. And I'm planning a little sun holiday next year with them too.
I see my H now as very immature and unreasonable. He's not living in the real world I don't feel. The sooner the divorce is done the better for me now. If he fell off a cliff tomorrow I don't think I'd care as much. X

I'm having a very bad day. I've decided I can't cope not telling the DC. I know it will break their hearts, but I can't bear the deceit. I feel I will lose their trust if I keep up the charade until the exams are over.
I told him we need to tell them this week. He was furious. I told him he started all this when he decided to stop trying to fix things and to head to divorce. I doubt he's telling me the truth. I think there's an OW. I wish I had proof. If he wanted to set my mind at rest he could show me his Whatsapp and bank statements. What's he hiding?
We met when we were 25, married 3 years later. Our 21st wedding anniversary is in May.

I was 30. I am now 50. The proof Martina was a messenger message sent from her to him before we broke up saying she had lost her nipple bar in his bed.
I screen shot it and will be keeping it for the solicitor. I have a new bed now. Not much he could say to wriggle out of that. His answer was it was just the one time. Unfortunately for him message is dated and this referred to another time.

Talking of 20 years - we have been married nearly 20 when H had his affair. Difference is he confessed fairly quickly and comprehensively and although that hurt, we were able to stay together and eventually reconcile.

Still wish it hadn't happened - as a fix for marital problems it's a fairly drastic kill or cure. Stupid bastard! All of them!

xx

You know if you know. Your gut instinct is key. Mine kicked in within 4 weeks to be honest. It doesn't matter why you divorce. It's all really just a paper exercise. As long as you know the truth (which will surface anyway sooner or later). X