My husband left me and I have no closure

[Bones2017]

My husband left me and my kids (7&3) 10 weeks ago. We've been together for 20 years since we were 18 yrs old and married for 5. It seemed out of the blue to me at the time but looking back now, things have been harder for a short while.
Since last summer he seemed distant. He'd sit in another room on his computer whilst I watched telly. He'd be late home from work most nights. I found porn on his computer. He was protective over his phone also. One morning he was getting a text from a woman and he explained it was a colleague letting him know she'd be late in. Maybe. There was impotence issues also which I put down to him starting to smoke again. I had asked a few times if we were ok and if he'd met someone but he always denied it and reassured me that he loved me.
There was times when I didn't know where his wages were going and I had to work extra to make ends meet. He took out Payday loans behind my back also.
So the night before he left, we had sex and it was different. He really pulled at my hair and he hurt me. When I fell asleep, he went through my phone and read some messages to friends that I'd written about some of my troubles with him. He then sat me down the next night and told me that there was no trust anymore. He said he needed some time out and would be leaving me. Of course I begged him to stay and thought it was all my fault. He was very angry with me.
2 weeks after leaving me, he was viewing places to rent. He wants me to stay in the house. Wants me to carry on as normal living the life we've built together whilst he has some space.
He's denied anyone else being involved twice since he left and has said he felt like he was in a rut. Poor excuse if you ask me. I feel lost. Don't know how to carry on in the house without him. Unsure about my future and how this is affecting my kids. My confidence and self worth is shattered.
But what's killing me is that I really don't feel like I have a valid reason for him leaving. He won't go to counselling. At least If I thought there was another woman, id have closure. But no. And I'm just so broken and lost.

Oh sounds great ladies, I'm having volume lashes next week too, so let me know what they are like .
Well done to you both to feeling positive about the weekend. Xx

Well I feel like a glam camel! But glad I did something for me. Hair tomorrow (in the process of going blonde) and feeling strangely upbeat?? X

Loved your post last night Bones! You are amazing! Really admiring your strength and self worth.

It's the up and downs of the emotions that I'm finding absolutely exhausting - wish I could turn it off for a day but it's just relentless question after question in my head!

X

You go girl with the new do!

Thank you! I have my sad moments. I'm sat alone tonight with a bottle of wine but I know I have things to look forward to tomorrow. I've just spotted a child made gift behind the sofa from my 7 year old so can't wait for Mother's Day. Little things like this give me such hope. My eldest has turned into a true friend in the last 4 months. It's like I know she gets it? But in a child's way?? She's amazing.
I cling on to the hope that he'll regret what he's done. And I'll fake it till I make it when I'm low in front of him if I have to. He's a man child who's deluded. I have loads to look forward to. What's he got? He can't have another family without expense. He's had a vasectomy. I honestly think he feels he can have time out to have fun then come back later. No mate, you're mad. And I'll take care of me and my kids and make you bloody sorry for it all! 😡

He's got a life now built on lies and deception. Nothing more. He'll have to support my kids now for the next 16 years. And if she is for real, I'll be in her face for the same time. I feel sorry for him. X

I've decided to cherish the years I can look back on anyway. I know I'm my heart they were good. And I've got all the good that came from them. He's walked with nothing to show for it. I know he loved me. At least until she showed up. I feel he's deluded. But if it's me that's deluded then at least thinking he is makes my pain better? He'll realise one day. I just know it. He had it good here. X

Children really are such a wonderful 'pick me up'. Their needs are giving me structure and focus. Your eldest daughter sounds an amazing girl. Best friend for life there.

I hope I can get to the point you're at. At the moment I still have the urge to let him come back when he asks. But once that urge passes I can't shake all the shit that has happened.

He's even turned it round today that I'm the unreasonable bitch who won't let him come home to his children. He's said sorry - as if that makes it all ok.

It's the lies, the deceit, ths gaslighting that I just can't accept, much as I wish I could wake up and it's all been a bad dream. God knows what I don't yet know.

Mine has had the snip too but still I worry he'll have it reversed.

So much heartache..bloody bastards. He's probably out living like a 22 year old!

You sound admant that theres no way back. That must give you strength. I still worry about my wavering. He won't admit to anything so I do wonder if I've got it all wrong. His lies are much more appealing to believe than what I know to be the truth.

Martina, you'll get there. It's strange when you do. I've described where I am as being half way across a bridge. I can see the other side and I know me and the girls will be ok. I can see a good bright future. But if I looked back and saw him, I'd probably be willing to talk and see if there was a chance. But I know I'm gonna keep walking. I have to. He's done too much. He made me believe I was to blame! He could've walked away without a fight had I known the truth! But he did what he did to make his own feelings easier. That's cowardly.
I've not had mine ask for another chance so I can't imagine why you must think. But I know back in August mine came back when all the long he was still talking to OW behind my back. Stay strong. X

Head V heart eh? They're manipulators. They want you waiting whilst they decide what THEY want. They're not thinking of us. Even though mine has never asked to come back, he did say things to fine me false hopes for the future. And I held on to every word of it. Until I knew the truth. And that was my deal breaker. X

That's a good way of looking at it - still shaky waters but half way there.

I'm panicking now that I've pushed him away for good!?! Ridiculous really. He'll probably use it as an excuse to justify his next actions.

I wish I could get hold of his phone records or something to be 100% sure. I'm sure I've got enough though. Married men don't stay out every weekend. And wonderful Google maps has confirmed he's not been where he said he was. Probably just wishful thinking that I've got it all wrong.

I'm battling with myself not to text him. Your post about keeping dignity was spot on.

I'm you g to counselling but do worry I'll have a full on nervous breakdown over this all. Did you have days where you just didn't want to get up?

^going

Martina I know love. I've had a nervous breakdown. And if it happens, you can't stop it happening.

My proof came from his mobile phone records. It took me 2 days to remember what network he was on. I went online and used a password he'd always used. Silly knob had forgot to change that one! I saw the erratic calls and put the number into facebooks search bar and boom. I didn't need to know anymore. I filed for divorce within the week.

He's neither admitted nor denied it. I've said I won't name her in the divorce as long as he doesn't contest it. He's agreed. Silence is his admission.

I cross referenced his phone records with the bank statements and it was crazy. There's always a way. And always a reason for unreasonable behaviour in a divorce. If you know the truth of what's in your gut, what difference does it make whats in the papers when he's served?? You know and he does. He'll have to live with that forever. And you doing well will only make it worse for him. So that you have to achieve. Go low contact. I've blocked him and her on EVERYTHING. Including what's app. It's liberating. You're free. He's not your problem anymore once you've filed for divorce hun. It does get better I promise x

And the days when I didn't want to get up?? There was a time when my mum had to step in to look after my kids! Nobody knows the pain unless they've walked it. Nobody. X

I posted this thread 8 weeks in. I'm now 4 months in and I'm in a different place. We'll all make it. I know it. X

Well that gave you exactly what you needed without question. Good for you for keeping digging. Was it someone you knew or knew of? Not that it makes it any better whoever she is. Just at the moment I see every woman as a threat. My self esteem has completely flatlined.

I've got great family and friends so I'm lucky on that front but I've never felt so alone. Blocking is a great idea. I keep checking on WhatsApp when he was last seen and then stress over who he's been talking to. Shameful.

I need to ask him for some money for the kids as he's not been v forthcoming but don't know whether to just leave it for now. God knows how he thinks I'm feeding them!

I'd met her a few christmases ago at one of his wrk do's. She was all over me at the time and I remember my instincts peaking then. He's been the weak one. She's a predator. But that's his problem to deal with now.

Yeah block block block. My h and her had secret Facebook accounts and everything. Honestly I could go on and on. It's all too circumstantial. I honestly don't need to know anymore. What I know tells me all I need. Now I can step away with my poise and dignity and they have NOTHING to call me on. They'll have no reason to call me crazy or a bitch. Leave them to it whilst I carry on bringing up my amazing girls.

There's my satisfaction x

He really wasn't smart. Second email account, Facebook (he hates it), what's app (he hates that stuff), second bank account in his name.

He wasn't careful enough. X

Isn't it amazing how instincts can be so spot on. I got flamed on here once for calling OW bitches but I don't care...so much for sisterhood solidarity. There's so many single men around...go for one of them!

I've been so close to having to get my mum to step in..however I've found strength in getting out of the house. ...many distractions!

I will block him. It sounds like it would do my mental health the world of good.

I've made plans to visit family tomorrow which I'm looking forward to despite his demand that the kids are in so that they can probably sign a shitty mothers day card he's brought out of guilt. The ones they're hiding in their school bags are all I need.

I haven't come across any other email, facebook or bank accounts yet although I'm constantly on the look out and have my spies out. Definitely not as clever as he thought then in your case!?

It just beggars belief that they can look you and your children in the eye and just lie so convincingly.

But that explains the distance and the 'unhappiness' they've felt. They do that to explain it to themselves. It's so awful. My H remembers arguments that I'd argue never happened! Apparently I've threatened divorce more times than he'd like! Whatever!

It's a coping mechanism for them. It eases them. So they can sleep at night. And they always say - as you become ok, they become not ok. I'll keep you posted on that one. X

What an amazing skill set they have for convincing themselves that they're hard done by. Bless. You've showed him now by actually divorcing his sorry arse! Good on you!!!

Like you say...easy to sleep when your conscience is appeased.

I just hope I can stop thinking about what/(Who!?) he may be doing. I know it's not healthy!

I was struggling with the constant wondering where he was /who he was with, when I first found out about OW. It went on for about a week until I just got sick of it consuming me. Now I hardly think about it.

Its been 6 weeks now and ive noticed that the tears are becoming less frequent. I still have bad days, but not as many. I think once id seen a solicitor I felt much better.

Since he left ive found it almost impossible to be civil as im so hurt and angry. Now he realises that if he lets DS down again ill stop all contact, ive decided to try and be friendly. He cant work out whats going on and thinks im up to something, its hilarious!!!

Yeah once I'd seen my solicitor I felt like I'd took back some control. That's when I completely blocked them both too. It really helps you move on.

My h has showed absolutely no interest or regard for me since leaving. Whilst he's tried to keep my door open with 'who knows what the future holds' statements he's never actually asked to come back. But now I'm at a point where I know I wouldn't have him back anyway. He's lied to my face and violated my body for months and I can't get over that.

Onwards and upwards ladies! X

Spreading some love to you all today. Happy Mother's Day ladies. Xx