My husband left me and I have no closure

[Bones2017]

My husband left me and my kids (7&3) 10 weeks ago. We've been together for 20 years since we were 18 yrs old and married for 5. It seemed out of the blue to me at the time but looking back now, things have been harder for a short while.
Since last summer he seemed distant. He'd sit in another room on his computer whilst I watched telly. He'd be late home from work most nights. I found porn on his computer. He was protective over his phone also. One morning he was getting a text from a woman and he explained it was a colleague letting him know she'd be late in. Maybe. There was impotence issues also which I put down to him starting to smoke again. I had asked a few times if we were ok and if he'd met someone but he always denied it and reassured me that he loved me.
There was times when I didn't know where his wages were going and I had to work extra to make ends meet. He took out Payday loans behind my back also.
So the night before he left, we had sex and it was different. He really pulled at my hair and he hurt me. When I fell asleep, he went through my phone and read some messages to friends that I'd written about some of my troubles with him. He then sat me down the next night and told me that there was no trust anymore. He said he needed some time out and would be leaving me. Of course I begged him to stay and thought it was all my fault. He was very angry with me.
2 weeks after leaving me, he was viewing places to rent. He wants me to stay in the house. Wants me to carry on as normal living the life we've built together whilst he has some space.
He's denied anyone else being involved twice since he left and has said he felt like he was in a rut. Poor excuse if you ask me. I feel lost. Don't know how to carry on in the house without him. Unsure about my future and how this is affecting my kids. My confidence and self worth is shattered.
But what's killing me is that I really don't feel like I have a valid reason for him leaving. He won't go to counselling. At least If I thought there was another woman, id have closure. But no. And I'm just so broken and lost.

Having a rare low day here. Feeling alone more than anything. Wondering why he doesn't want me anymore kind of day. I know I'm my heart that OW is just different and not better in any way but it's still hurtful.
Could do with a virtual hand hold today.
How is everyone else??

Bones2017, I'm the same, some days I'm like I'm better on my own and other days my heart is breaking. Dday was 20th January and although it's a little easier I realise I have a long way to go.
House is on the market now, that is going to be the hardest. I just cannot afford it alone so I have lost my home too.
On the plus side I've lost some weight that I've been trying to shift :-) and saved in groceries!!

I'm so lucky that I can afford to keep my house. And he's signing a waiver for any equity which I'm also grateful for.
I just really wish I didn't love him!
I feel like I had 2 d-days. First when he left in December then in beginning of march when I got proof of OW.
He's only ever 'been with' me in every sense so it's hard to imagine him with someone else (at least that's how I feel today).
Thing is, I don't want anyone else. I'm not sure I even want him anymore. At least not now. But I miss MY husband. He's not him anymore though. X

Bones me too. Slept terribly last night and miserable rain today. The sun cheers me up. I just am so cross that he's stolen my future and everything I had to look forward to. My son gets married in may and he will be there and we are travelling to the wedding together. He texts me today to ask if I'm ok??? Give me something good to reply please.

Just ignore the text. Or tell him you're great. Keeping tabs on you probably x

It's so hard. I want to text back and say so much. Like how the fuck do you think I am? You had an affair and walked out on me after 20 bloody years. You had time to prepare what you said while I thought nothing was wrong and you've walked off to your new lovely supportive partner who is half your age and left me to pick up the pieces in YOUR family home that I never wanted to live in in the first place. You text me regularly when I'd rather you fell off the planet. I am not going to be here waiting for you to realise that the grass is only greener the other side of the fence because it's covered in pesticide.

Oh I look forward to the day when my STBXH realises what he's lost. X

Oh yes me too. I just feel so useless and old. I really feel too old to start the dating thing again at 50. I thought all that was far behind me. But I don't want to be alone forever.

Hi bones
Sending you a big hug 🤗
It's so hard and I understand all your feelings. It's so hard at times, it can be one step back and then a few forward.
You really are doing great.
Try not to look to far into the future if you can as that can be unsettling.
Yes they have took away the future dreams and hopes you had.
But ladies I know who have gone through this say " as one chapter closes, another opens ". Bit of a chilche but so true.
Who knows what you will be doing in a years time.........
Your having a bad day today but your still here getting on with things.
Your doing great , you really are,
Xxxx

Thanks clock,

I'm starting to make plans with my girls actually and we're all excited. Maybe a nice sun holiday next year even.

I really can't see me getting involved with anyone else in the future despite my age of 36. My girls are far too young for that and they have important school years ahead which I need to concentrate on.

My STBXH is the same age as me and I think he feels like he's missed out on life a bit. I find it hard to understand completely how they can just go elsewhere for kicks though. It just seems so childish and immature to me. X

I've wanted to send some messages that are unprintable but I'm not going to give him or the OW the satisfaction.
Mine left also after 20 years user , I think you go into shock that they can walk out the door. ... it seems unbelievable.
Anger will help you through this crap they have caused.
I'm a similar age , I don't want be on my own either but dating seems so bloody scary.
But I may just have to go for it at some point.
I don't want my life defined by looking over at his life .
I want to move on and ultimately find happiness and contentment.
I want him to be a memory , yes he is the father of my children and we will always have that connection, but this is what has happened.
I can't change it , so I have to build new beginnings and open up new chapters in my life.
Xx.

Yes book a holiday, I did. The sunshine helps so much.
It gives you and the girls something to focus on.
Making new memories with the girls.
Your mind wanders so much to what you hoped and dreamed for.
My counsellor said that is the hard part. You had so much that you had built together.
A home , children, financially you were tied together, family, so many memories and they throw it all away,
For what .......... a thrill of lust and butterflies and the bliss you feel in the honeymoon period.
Deluded twats. They really are.
Throwing away their families for that.
We will be ok ladies,
Just got to believe it and keep going xx

I want his world to fall apart like mine did. X

The best revenge for all you lovely ladies is to live well and be happy. It will happen for you all and not overnight BUT it WILL happen.

I know I'm getting so much more happier as are my girls. And that in itself upsets me too. Because I know my feelings for him are changing now. Soon I won't care and probably won't love him anymore. X

Big hugs bones. We are always going to have hard days, just think tomorrow will probably be a strong day.

I find that on the tough days I do try and just get through an hour at a time.

Have a nice dinner with your girls and a cuddle on the sofa. Hopefully you'll get a good nights sleep.

I can feel my feelings towards my ex starting to change already. Im feeling angry a lot of the time these days rather than sad. Are there stages of the emotions you go through in a situation like this? Xxx

Today is a strong day. I'm glad he's gone today. Back to realising how selfish and immature he became during the last 12 months of us (obviously because he was bored and at least looking elsewhere).

Got a nice tea planned tonight for me and the girls and we'll be Easter bonnet making for my youngest. Seeing how relaxed we are and that us 3 now actually have fun is lovely. We dance and sing. We hug. There's a lot of love in our home now he's gone actually.

How's everyone today? Sick how are you? X

Thats great to hear.

I saw a solicitor yesterday and it looks like im in a strong position all round which was comforting to find out.

My struggle now is him having contact with my DS. He told me last minute yesterday that he couldn't take DS to nursery today as he had a work thing. I dont for one minute believe its a work thing, and the thought that he is putting either OW or his own happiness before DS absolutely kills me.

DS really hasnt taken this very well,and I can see that he's changed since ex left. Its just breaking my heart that he continues to put himself first. Im the one left at home having to tell my little boy that no daddy isnt coming home tonight. Its destroying me.

More has come to light today. Just cements that a divorce is the best action to be honest. Makes me want him less actually seeing exactly what he's been up to since last summer. He could've just told me. I wouldn't have stopped him.
I'm losing all respect for him. X

Hi ladies ,
sick , glad that the solicitor was able to give you some good legal advice, it gives you some idea of where you stand on a legal basis.
It's horrible to think that they are so selfish and are willing to put their needs and OW before their children.
It really does break your heart x
bones , it's hard to find out new information about their actions while they were living with you.
The spin of lies and deceit are despicable and yes like you it's hard to have any respect for them x

I've decided I'm amazing. And you ladies are too. And for those just a few weeks in, keep your chin up and hold your tongue. Keep your dignity. You'll be glad later.
Despite new info today, I'm feeling strong. I feel even more that he will realise one day what he's lost. I'm amazing. I'm an amazing woman, I'm an even more amazing mother and I'm better than him. I'm sooo many ways.
Sending virtual strength and hugs to you all. Xx

Love that Bones! You are amazing! You inspire me.

Yesss! Great post. You are amazing, we all are

Brilliant!!! Im not even dreading this weekend like I usually do, think your positivity mustve rubbed off

That's brilliant Sick! Well done you! I'm booked in for some volume lashes today and can't wait. A little treat to me. I'm also looking forward to a child free night tonight with a nice glass of wine and a movie. Xx