My husband left me and I have no closure

[Bones2017]

My husband left me and my kids (7&3) 10 weeks ago. We've been together for 20 years since we were 18 yrs old and married for 5. It seemed out of the blue to me at the time but looking back now, things have been harder for a short while.
Since last summer he seemed distant. He'd sit in another room on his computer whilst I watched telly. He'd be late home from work most nights. I found porn on his computer. He was protective over his phone also. One morning he was getting a text from a woman and he explained it was a colleague letting him know she'd be late in. Maybe. There was impotence issues also which I put down to him starting to smoke again. I had asked a few times if we were ok and if he'd met someone but he always denied it and reassured me that he loved me.
There was times when I didn't know where his wages were going and I had to work extra to make ends meet. He took out Payday loans behind my back also.
So the night before he left, we had sex and it was different. He really pulled at my hair and he hurt me. When I fell asleep, he went through my phone and read some messages to friends that I'd written about some of my troubles with him. He then sat me down the next night and told me that there was no trust anymore. He said he needed some time out and would be leaving me. Of course I begged him to stay and thought it was all my fault. He was very angry with me.
2 weeks after leaving me, he was viewing places to rent. He wants me to stay in the house. Wants me to carry on as normal living the life we've built together whilst he has some space.
He's denied anyone else being involved twice since he left and has said he felt like he was in a rut. Poor excuse if you ask me. I feel lost. Don't know how to carry on in the house without him. Unsure about my future and how this is affecting my kids. My confidence and self worth is shattered.
But what's killing me is that I really don't feel like I have a valid reason for him leaving. He won't go to counselling. At least If I thought there was another woman, id have closure. But no. And I'm just so broken and lost.

Try not to torment yourself bones, im sure thats not the case.

There's no way he could've hung around all those years if he wasnt happy. He's had his head turned by some morally bankrupt waste of skin. When the honeymoon period is over, he'll move on again or realise what he's thrown away. Xxx

Yes try not to torment yourself if you can BUT that's what the counselling does, it makes you analyse your whole relationship and you reflect on it from the beginning.
It's ok to do this, you have to look back sometimes to move forward.
It's all part of the rocky journey bones
I know I have analysed a lot of my marriage. I've looked back and felt terrible guilt and blamed myself all the time.
It's only with counselling that ive realised that no matter what our marriage was like, he decided that the answer was to cheat and walk away. And I will not take any ownership of that.
Your husband has had his head turned , like mine and they think life is great for now , that's all. They've thrown away everything for that.
Let them get on with it.
Your doing great xx

I can see a brighter future now for me and the girls. Even my eldest dd said tonight how happy we are (she can't get inside my mind). But I'm proud that she at least feels that I'm happier.

He's proving himself to be a distant regressed mid life teenager. Everyone is telling me he must be mad. But whatever he's going through, I have to distance. Honestly, non to low contact is key to healing. Absolute key. The less I see him the better. X

I'm sorry for what you're going through bones. It sounds so painful. I've read so much on MN that I'm convinced a herd/shoal/other plural of hopeless manchildren, get to late 40's/50's and something they've hidden away pops up. While other men feel the same but turn to their loving wives, these bastards turn away. They turn to other women, other habits and other activities. Something stops them taking us with them. Their egos (stroked or ignored during childhood, I can't decide) perhaps, or some sense of misplaced entitlement. I wish I knew. But too many of us have had the same experience - loving, safe, 'honest' marriages of equals, crushed in a few months.

Yes no contact is the only way to start healing . I found it has helped so much once I decided to keep my distance and keep any contact to email only and even then only when absolute necessary.
That's great your daughter has said how happy you are as your new family unit. It's all credit to you.
Most normal people will think he is mad for what he has done , so let him get on with his madness.
You keep concentrating on rebuilding your new future. X

They're only yours until they don't want to be anymore. X

Back to work today, and im dreading it
I used to love work, and thats been ruined by the thought of everyone knowing what he's done. What used to be my refuge is now another place that I just dont feel comfortable or happy.

Ladies, can I ask whether you were consumed by it when you first found out about OW?

I find that I spend so much of each day thinking about them im not sure if its normal? Would it help if I asked him to put me out of my misery and give me all the gory details, or will that make it worse?

Im driving myself insane wondering if he was where he said he was when we were still together, or if he's been seeing here for a lot longer than he says.

I also just cant see how im ever going to be able to move on, when we have to have contact. He see's DS 6 times a week. When he's there I try to ignore him and busy myself elsewhere, but then I think of something I want an answer to and we end up arguing. This feels like a never ending nightmare.

I was able to draw a line in the sand as soon as I knew. It doesn't bother me so much him and her. It's him that's hurt me. She's not in my mind very much. But everyone is different and I imagine what you're feeling is normal.
I keep thinking it might be good for him to get her out of his system so that his fantasies and dreams fail much quicker.

I got my draft divorce petition this morning. I'm making some slight changes but it's all go here. I honestly believe on the whole now that he WILL realise his mistake one day. So for me now, I have to heal myself and make a good life for me and the girls. I'd never want him back whilst he's thinking of someone else. I do believe that.

Just read the whole thread. Well done Sick and Bones. I am 2 and 1/2 weeks into hell after 20 years. He has followed the MLC list absolutely. He is living with a girl half his age who went to school with our kids. I am devastated. He desperately wants us to be friends but I'm struggling with that. I have no money to divorce him and he knows that. Life is shit. But you ladies inspire me. Please keep posting so I can continue to be inspired.

Im 5 weeks in and inspired by bones and clockwork!

This really is the most hurt ive ever experienced in my life. I dont even think its a MLC as hes early 30's, or can it happen that early?

Posting here has really helped me and provided much needed support, but it's so tough. Even now I still just burst into tears at random times.

We will all get there in the end, but think its a long tough road ahead xxx

Not surprised you're struggling user, mine (or rather, hers now) keeps claiming that he wants to be amicable too - how the hell can they possibly imagine things are going to be amicable when they've betrayed you in the worst possible way?!

Love to you User & Sick! I promise it gets better. Or maybe you just start seeing them for who they really are!
My H is 36 by the way and I'm still convinced it's all a fog or a MLC. But whatever the reason, it doesn't matter.
Yes the pain is the worst imaginable. Everybody who hasn't experienced it expects you to be ok including our H's! But they've made decisions before we even realised they were deciding!
It's so so horrible I know. And even now, I'm having low days although they really aren't as bad as say the first 3 months. It's very hard. I've had a nervous breakdown and everything.
I believe that what goes around comes around. They will realise what they've done at some point. And by then, we'll be already healed, stronger and healthier.

My tips would be:
Low to non contact (essential)
A solicitor and get things started whilst they're feeling generous towards you
Cheese on everything- whilst you don't eat much you have to eat high fat foods.
Runaway husbands by Vikki Stark (a revelation)
Let yourself go through every emotion but know that it's normal and you will be ok.
Don't react or try to get revenge. They'll have nothing to call you on and you'll retain your dignity.

We did nothing wrong girls. They just got bored and got their heads turned. Sad but true. My H certainly was emotionally immature and let me do all the work in the marriage and household. Now he fancies the single life with her?? Go ahead mate, I'm done now. X

Also married men of 15-25 years seems to be the time when this happens. They really are all the same with the exception of a good few (like my gorgeous dad). X

I sold my car to get divorced. Bought a banger and me and the kids are making it all girly for us 3. I've changed my hair colour and got some lashes put on. Planning to redecorate my home with my kids and we've been spending time together like never before.
My girls have commented how relaxed and happy I seem and they tell me they love me more than ever. I've told them the truth with every question they've asked and I think they understand this wasn't my fault. Obviously I've left out the OW but there was no way of hiding my grief from them in the beginning.
I'll never forgive him for that alone. X

Ah Bones my cars a bit of a banger to start with so I can't divorce him til I have money together. Had a cathartic half hour earlier smashing his crystal glass collection. He's 52. His new biatch is 26.

Our stories are so similar. It's been a lifesaver finding MN. I first followed AleC4's thread which helped me so much and now knowing that I'm not alone means a lot.
I have lots of wonderful friends and family but only you ladies know what it's actually like.
I think of nothing else all day long, I'm barely sleeping and the divorce diet is working a treat.
Really hope the messages of hope come true for all of us.

Its a nightmare that you never think will come to an end but all of a sudden you have a turn of events and life starts to go in a different direction and you start to deal with the heartbreak in a more positive way. I doesn't leave you altogether but only time will deal with that, you just get used to a different way of life and start to realise that you have far more positive things then you did when you was with your ex.
Its quite a good feeling.

Hold tight ladies you will get there it is this first 6 months that everything seems so negative. I think your all doing the best you can and are coming across as really sensible and strong Women.

Big Hug to you

M x

Sick. Yes to being consumed by them. I stalk them on FB regularly. I know it's unhealthy

Hi ladies,
Hi to the new lady whose husband has left her OW who is half his age.🙄🙄
What another twat he is.
Mums net is a life saviour, you can feel so alone even though you may have lots of support in real life, but by posting on here helps so much because you are chatting with lovely ladies that have either walked in your shoes or are just starting on this emotional journey.
Just keep posting on here and we can all help you through this carnage that has been thrown into your family life.
Yes I am starting to feel that we are starting to move forward, had such a laugh at work today , genuine fits of laughter.
Yes we are all doing the best we can at whatever stage you are at.
Xx

Hi Clockwork. You're right. I wish I'd found this thread 2 weeks ago. I can't wait to feel better and more positive about the future. The last couple of weeks has been awful. I've lost a stone ( mostly tears and vomit) and I'm just starting to eat again. My adult kids have been fabulous but they know the ow they were at school with her ffs.

User I blocked my H and her on all form of social media. It really helps. Also, I've blocked him on what's app this week and told him to text or email me only from now on. X

Bones good on you! I have been divorced one (27 years ago) and I got over that reasonably quickly to be honest, thats why i know if I decide now after 20 years to split I know I can be ok. still deciding really, found love songs/poetry written for someone else 11 years ago who worked with us (we work together) She was only 20.he was 42. I suspected "something" at the time as far too much texting going on but let it go but found all this written stuff 3 months ago and its real "cut to the core with emotions for you and "only you and me" stuff. Im finding it very hard to get past it mentally. He says it was just fantasy stuff in his head , may be the case, maybe not, but to me, its all truly shit!! I think the thing is once you have divorced/separated once and been ok you are not so keen on putting up with total disrespect.

Delurking to echo Startoftheyear's comment, I am ten months down the line and also have come to view MN as a lifeline.

I too have followed other similar stories including AleC4 and Onit and have shared the pain and increasing hope and optimism as time passes.

To you lovely ladies at the start of this awful journey (and I hate the overuse of that word but that's what this is) it really is true that time (and wine ) and hopefully the support of good friends and family do ease the pain.

Thanks ladies, it's nice to hear from those who are further down the line and give further hope.

Even though I'm a lot better, the feeling of violation (he obviously still had sex with me but wanted her) and complete confidence shattering is hard. I'm doing things for myself like my hair and stuff but I doubt very much I'll ever feel like the same person ever again. It's life changing isn't it? X

And the way he tried to keep his options open repulsed me also. Before I had proof he'd still say there may have been a chance for us later down the line when he'd cleared his head. A total manipulating mind wrecker! Grr...