My husband left me and I have no closure

[Bones2017]

My husband left me and my kids (7&3) 10 weeks ago. We've been together for 20 years since we were 18 yrs old and married for 5. It seemed out of the blue to me at the time but looking back now, things have been harder for a short while.
Since last summer he seemed distant. He'd sit in another room on his computer whilst I watched telly. He'd be late home from work most nights. I found porn on his computer. He was protective over his phone also. One morning he was getting a text from a woman and he explained it was a colleague letting him know she'd be late in. Maybe. There was impotence issues also which I put down to him starting to smoke again. I had asked a few times if we were ok and if he'd met someone but he always denied it and reassured me that he loved me.
There was times when I didn't know where his wages were going and I had to work extra to make ends meet. He took out Payday loans behind my back also.
So the night before he left, we had sex and it was different. He really pulled at my hair and he hurt me. When I fell asleep, he went through my phone and read some messages to friends that I'd written about some of my troubles with him. He then sat me down the next night and told me that there was no trust anymore. He said he needed some time out and would be leaving me. Of course I begged him to stay and thought it was all my fault. He was very angry with me.
2 weeks after leaving me, he was viewing places to rent. He wants me to stay in the house. Wants me to carry on as normal living the life we've built together whilst he has some space.
He's denied anyone else being involved twice since he left and has said he felt like he was in a rut. Poor excuse if you ask me. I feel lost. Don't know how to carry on in the house without him. Unsure about my future and how this is affecting my kids. My confidence and self worth is shattered.
But what's killing me is that I really don't feel like I have a valid reason for him leaving. He won't go to counselling. At least If I thought there was another woman, id have closure. But no. And I'm just so broken and lost.

You do what suits you now sick
You know the real reasons now.
If you don't want to talk just ask him to leave.
Do things on your terms now.
You need time to internalise what has happened.
Xx

Just ask him to go. That'll have him thinking all night Sick. X

So he says they were one night stands, like that makes it any better and that he never cheated on me whilst we were together.

He says he doesnt want to get into another relationship as we've only recently split.

We've sorted out money, and are going to see a solicitor next week to make our arrangement legal. Ive told him he can only text me regarding something financial or DS and other than that I want nothing to do with him.

He has agreed to how many times a week he will see DS, so its going to be really hard still having to see him but I know I'll cope.

Ive told him to move all of his belongings out and not to use his key anymore as this is no longer his home. Ive now got to try and make a life for me and my son.

I'm sorry Sick, is not believe him about the one night stands. I'd suspect there's at least one 'significant' interest for him or he'd be wanting back in with you.
How do you feel now? X

Yeah that's what I think. Whoever she is she will know about me and DS.

Ive had messages from a few friends who know us both through work saying they've lost all respect for him, and that makes me feel better. Im sure some of his sad pathetic mates are patting him on the back and telling him how great he is for having numerous women on the go, but I think the majority think he's a fool.

I still feel fine today, slept fine and no tears so far. He's coming here this morning as he cant see DS at any other time over the weekend. The hardest thing is not making snide remarks about OW, but I know ive got to be the bigger person so will keep busy and out of his way while he's here.

Im really hoping I dont have the dip that you described as I feel really strong at the moment

Keep your head up Sick,
Now you have your closure too. Hopefully you won't take a dip like I did. Here for you. Xx

You are sounding in control sick and it's great you got some sleep.
It's good when others say they think he is an idiot and a fool for his behaviour. It keeps you strong.
Yes just try to keep out of his way today when he comes around.
Have you plans for tomorrow as Sundays can be hard
Xx

Ive got something to do first thing, which I find is always the worst time of day. Then have lunch booked in the afternoon so should be able to keep relatively busy. Im going to deal with it an hour at a time.

Thank you for the support xxx

He's been here for about 5 hours today seeing DS. I told him to take a load of his stuff, which he did.

Since he's left im having a bit of a wobble. Think maybe the adrenaline is wearing off.

I know its sad but I always feel worse when I dont know where he is. Im absolutely fine when I know he's at work, or last night when I knew he went straight back to his dads. I suppose when I dont know where he is or who he's with I imagine that he's with OW.

I know I shouldnt care but I cant seem to stop thinking about him being with somene else. When I went upstairs earlier and his wardrobe was empty it really hit home.

This is so hard. I know im better off without him, I just want to be over him and not care.

Ive got a friend coming over tonight with wine and I know the tears are going to flow

Yes everything you have just wrote our normal feelings sick.
They really are, it's an absolute shit thing he has done and you are just starting the process of your mind internalising that he has gone.
He has had time to detach himself from you .
While you are on catch up.
So glad you have a friend coming round.
Let the tears out and lean on your lovely friend,
It really is hard but your doing great,
Thinking of you ❤xx

Yeah definitely cry if you need to Sick. I've get all you describe and sometimes still do but not as often. I really feel like I'm over the last blip now I found out the truth. It's hard but now you can say 'agh that why...' and you now know it's not you.
Did you get the books by Vikki Stark? Runaway husbands by her really helped me. I got mine from amazon and still read it occasionally.
Enjoy the time tonight with your friend. Much love. Xx

And he really should now see your son elsewhere now too. It'll be confusing for your son & low contact will help your own healing greatly. X

Maybe wines not a good idea. I feel so completely lost and totally destroyed. Sitting here on a Saturday night whilst our sons asleep upstairs and he's out with her.

This is torture. He promised to call DS before bed and hasnt. She's already more important than DS. He's just forgotten all about him because he's with her.

My life is in tatters. I feel like if I cry ill never be able to stop

I've drank wine tonight too Sick. I've come to bed because I've already downed a full bottle. I just thought that I'd love him to come in now and spend the night. Just one night. I know he won't. And I would never ask. Because he's not worthy.
Go low contact. Make yourself unavailable. It'll wind him up but help you too. X

The novelty will wear off I promise. I'll let you know when I get there. But I'm hoping I'll be at a point when I can stare and laugh. X

If there was ever one certainty in my life it would've been my trust in him. And that's gone. We're on shaky and uncertain ground now. We have to wait to catch balance again. X

I feel exactly the same. In 10 years I never once not trusted him.

Having to have contact is killing me

DS been up since 6.30, Ive been getting DS old things out of the loft to sell on ebay.

Everything brings back a memory of something we did/somewhere we went as a family. I feel like im trying to erase the last 10 years of my life.

How on earth can people just walk away from their lives/homes/familys. He had obviously checked out a long time ago. I just struggle to understand why in January he sat and made plans for the future, ordered a new car, almost booked a holiday, booked us tickets for something in June and then two weeks later just walked away.

It is so hard , this is like a bereavement but worse as they have betrayed you also
You will go through the why's, when, and how's, it's all part of the grief process.
While you go through this process try to have as little contact with him as possible otherwise it makes it harder for you. As you say it is killing you, I kept having contact with mine hoping he would realise what a mistake he had made, but it only set me backwards so have cut all contact. My children are much older so I don't need to see him, but this won't be as easy for you because of your DS.
Try and get some counselling to help you through this rocky journey, it really helps and lean on family and friends also.
Yes they have checked out a long time ago and they have kept playing "happy families" with you until they are sure they really want to go.
It does get easier but it does take time.
Xx

I had a wobble myself last night. Watched our wedding song on YouTube and I ended up in tears.
However I've woke feeling strong again. I'm about to text him but only to reinforce that I don't want him dropping the girls off later and to ask his mum.
It does me the world of good not having to see him. X

Ive not had a bad day considering how it started. Ive been out with DS and a friend and then to familys for lunch so have kept busy.

He called finally at 2.30 and I just cut the call off as im so angry he ignored DS last night.

Treated myself to a dvd ive been wanting to watch for ages, so looking forward to watching that and having an early night (after my early start)!

How's everyones weekend been? X

Glad you're ok Sick,
I'm not having a bad weekend really considering my 5 mins of tears last night (must've been the wine).
Still sad that he's chosen this path but it can't be changed now. All the memories at least since the summer that we shared I now see as lies. I'm feeling stronger and stronger now.
Got another councillor session tomorrow afternoon. Last week I spent the whole time with her in tears. Think tomorrow she may see a different person.
I do still love him. I always will. But the man I loved isn't there anymore. That's what I keep telling myself. Gonna concentrate on me and my girls now. Get gorgeous and happy to rub it in his face whilst I'm divorcing his sorry arse. X

Good on you bones!

Thinking about counselling myself. Ive found someone local that looks ok. Would you definitely recommend it?

Definitely Sick,
They were able to undo a lot of the emotional manipulation and damage H did to me and helped me understand his blame projecting and guilt trips. X

Something that occurred to me today after my councillor session. Why has he waited for nearly 19 years to get involved with someone? Why was he content before but now wasn't? What changed? Me? Could it be my fault actually??
I'm sure both of us have got attention over the years and never acted on it. So why now for him? What makes her special? Maybe I'm the 19 year mistake and she's the 'one'
😢😢