My husband left me and I have no closure

[Bones2017]

My husband left me and my kids (7&3) 10 weeks ago. We've been together for 20 years since we were 18 yrs old and married for 5. It seemed out of the blue to me at the time but looking back now, things have been harder for a short while.
Since last summer he seemed distant. He'd sit in another room on his computer whilst I watched telly. He'd be late home from work most nights. I found porn on his computer. He was protective over his phone also. One morning he was getting a text from a woman and he explained it was a colleague letting him know she'd be late in. Maybe. There was impotence issues also which I put down to him starting to smoke again. I had asked a few times if we were ok and if he'd met someone but he always denied it and reassured me that he loved me.
There was times when I didn't know where his wages were going and I had to work extra to make ends meet. He took out Payday loans behind my back also.
So the night before he left, we had sex and it was different. He really pulled at my hair and he hurt me. When I fell asleep, he went through my phone and read some messages to friends that I'd written about some of my troubles with him. He then sat me down the next night and told me that there was no trust anymore. He said he needed some time out and would be leaving me. Of course I begged him to stay and thought it was all my fault. He was very angry with me.
2 weeks after leaving me, he was viewing places to rent. He wants me to stay in the house. Wants me to carry on as normal living the life we've built together whilst he has some space.
He's denied anyone else being involved twice since he left and has said he felt like he was in a rut. Poor excuse if you ask me. I feel lost. Don't know how to carry on in the house without him. Unsure about my future and how this is affecting my kids. My confidence and self worth is shattered.
But what's killing me is that I really don't feel like I have a valid reason for him leaving. He won't go to counselling. At least If I thought there was another woman, id have closure. But no. And I'm just so broken and lost.

Hi Clock,

Not heard from him in nearly a week now. It suits me better. Keeps my head clear.
I seem to be sleeping a lot better this week.
How's everyone else's week going? X

The kids are amazing too. They've really made me so proud through all this. We're happier to be honest now I think too. I get so much more respect from both of them. X

Thats really good to hear bones, sounds like you've turned a corner! My twat of an ex is still being an inconsiderate arse, and has let DS down twice already this week. It was my birthday on Tuesday and he didnt get me a card from DS which really hurt.

Ive had a call from his grandparents and his mum who is absolutely furious with him. He's avoiding her calls as he knows he's not going to like what she's got to say. Its been nice finding out that they think what he's done is totally wrong and they still want to be a big part of DS life.

We are having the money chat tomorrow (if he turns up), and he wants us to agree to something thats fair for us both. It didnt seem very fair when he deserted us so thats laughable. As we were not married I dont know where I stand with money etc. Can I still see a solicitor, as I dont trust him to stick to any agreements we make.

As time goes on and after speaking to his family, I am seeing him for the person he really is - selfish, cold hearted and immature. He just wants his freedom with no responsibilities.

They believe what they tell themselves Sick. They honestly believe that they've done no wrong....
It's not even that mine found another woman that upsets me now it's more the way he dumped me with such anger and distaste. The blame projecting was cruel.
Do you have a joint mortgage or anything with him? It might be worth using a free 30 mins with a solicitor to see where you stand. X

The point I'm trying to make is that you can not control his behaviour and waiting around for him to come clean/ provide an explanation, is surrendering a lot of power to someone who clearly doesn't give a shit. Morality doesn't come into it but reality most definitely should because the danger of holding out for 'answers' from object of your distress is that you may never get them or worse, half arsed bullshit.

You don't need his permission or approval to be the injured party but you do need to understand that being the injured party, doesn't come with gold stars. What I mean by that is that most people will be sympathetic in the beginning but it will soon ware off and they will expect you to make the effort in moving on.

Moving on, especially in the early days includes a lot of backwards and sideways movements but you hang on in there. Closure comes from accepting what is, not what might have been. It's a process and it can take time, sometimes a lot of time but the end result of not having it take up so much headspace, is sooooo worth it.

I think I'm at that point now Ise. Since I got what I needed I'm leaping forward now. Not knowing and the guilt held me back. But now I know it was him and not actually anything I did so that's that.
Since I filed for divorce on Tuesday I've had 2 solid nights sleep. I have my closure now. He's almost irrelevant now. I know I'm not to blame and that's what I needed. X

You sound strong today Bones, yes no contact is great if you have older kids so that you keep contact to a minimal.
I'm glad you feel that you can start to move forward,
sickofthisalready, it must of been very hard not to have received a card posted from him from the children.
Mine made little time for the children also, at least his family are furious with him also , like you say he is selfish and cold hearted.
Great post isetan , acceptance is the hardest bit, I've really moved on
alot , filed for divorce, moved house and done so much but I still feed sad and acceptance is the hard bit for me.
Guilt and blame on yourself is still something I still feel and I'm seeking counselling to try to get to the next stage, but it's hard after been with someone for twenty plus years. It's just over a year since he left. I'm sick of feeling sad about him.
I really am😡
I'm glad you feel he is irrelevant Bones, I do with mine , I just want that next step which is some type of closure.
Xx

Just received all my solicitors letters via email. This is real now. Sort that tomorrow. Get the ball rolling properly. X

Solicitor is paid. Divorce is officially on now!

Had to see him yesterday for parents evening. I was proud of myself and how I handled it. He left in tears. Guilt probably. Even had the gall to ask me and the kids out for food which I politely declined.

How's everyone else doing today? X

Well done you!

Do you think its starting to sink in now and he's having regrets???

Im just going sideways. Im still having days when I just long for him to reconsider. Its crazy as he's acting like he's well and truly over it and has moved on. I just cant seem to convince myself to move on.

Maybe I need more time to be over this as its only been 4 weeks and im probably expecting too much

Oh sick, I still have them days but they're honestly just so much easier to handle. I know that I couldn't have him back anyway so that's why I think I'm ok. But that doesn't mean I don't wish he'd want to come back if that makes sense??
No I think divorcing him will teach him a life lesson if nothing else. He doesn't deserve me anyway. I still miss him and I still get sad. But he doesn't exist anymore. Not my husband anyway. X

And also, I'm nearly 4 months in now I think. Oh, I've stopped counting! Yeah! X

Guess what. I found out today about the OW (plural)

Oh sick! What's happened lovely? How've you found out?? I know your pain love. X

Someone at work found out last night and told me today. I confronted him and he denied it at first, then admitted it was more than one but swears this only took place since we broke up.

Obviously I do not believe a word he says. What hurts the most is that we work in the same industry and it feels like everyone knew and is laughing behind my back. Ive worked in the industry for over 20 years and quite frankly im really embarrassed.

I dont feel sad that he's cheated, in a way i feel relieved as he's her/their problem now.

So now he's abandoned a son he's never even met (from a previous marraige) and our 3 year old. What kind of a monster is he.

I'm so sorry sick, lots of love to you. Keep posting. We're here for you. X

Ahh thank you. I feel strangely calm.

Im not suprised at all, just saddened at the complete lack of respect but I suppose thats to be expected from a nasty piece of scum like him. Xx

Least you know what a low life he is,
It still surprises me Egan these scumbags are capable of.
So angry for you , I really am.
At least you know.
Once you know I found that it allowed me to gain some control and I started to getting my act together and start cutting the lowlife out of my life.
Keep posting
Take care xx

Sick, I have to warn you.

I got my proof on a Wednesday. I also felt calm. Almost went on a bit of an adrenaline rush. I felt liberated and knew I was right. By the Saturday, I was having a breakdown. Shakey and sick. Curled up. Nobody could talk to me. I took a real dip. But, I came up faster after that weekend. Since then, I knew it was him and not me as he'd led me to believe.
So just prepare yourself for a possible dip in the next few days. I'm here as are the others. Thinking of you. Xxx

Autocorrect error , sorry should say that not Egan ! X

Thanks ladies, I did wonder whether maybe it hasn't sunk in yet. I feel more in control and like I have the upper hand, even if it's just morally xxx

It won't have hit you yet Sick. Just prepare yourself a little. You may be fuelled by adrenaline at the moment. Xx

It does take time to internalise the information even though you had your suspicions.
Like bones says you will probably have a dip, I remember feeling so relieved and running on adrenaline to process it all as at last,
I had answers and I wasn't going mad.
But after a few days the deceit ,lies and all his immoral behaviour hit means I hit a real low.
Thinking of you xx

Its turned up to see DS. Ive had to come upstairs. I cant even look at him he disgusts me that much.

He had the nerve to ask me if I'm ok. What the f*ck kind of answer is he expecting to that. He says we are going to talk once DS goes to bed. So now he wants to talk im supposed to jump. Well ive got nothing to say to him.

He is a waste of skin

Does he know that you now know? Could he have been told? X