My husband left me and I have no closure

[Bones2017]

My husband left me and my kids (7&3) 10 weeks ago. We've been together for 20 years since we were 18 yrs old and married for 5. It seemed out of the blue to me at the time but looking back now, things have been harder for a short while.
Since last summer he seemed distant. He'd sit in another room on his computer whilst I watched telly. He'd be late home from work most nights. I found porn on his computer. He was protective over his phone also. One morning he was getting a text from a woman and he explained it was a colleague letting him know she'd be late in. Maybe. There was impotence issues also which I put down to him starting to smoke again. I had asked a few times if we were ok and if he'd met someone but he always denied it and reassured me that he loved me.
There was times when I didn't know where his wages were going and I had to work extra to make ends meet. He took out Payday loans behind my back also.
So the night before he left, we had sex and it was different. He really pulled at my hair and he hurt me. When I fell asleep, he went through my phone and read some messages to friends that I'd written about some of my troubles with him. He then sat me down the next night and told me that there was no trust anymore. He said he needed some time out and would be leaving me. Of course I begged him to stay and thought it was all my fault. He was very angry with me.
2 weeks after leaving me, he was viewing places to rent. He wants me to stay in the house. Wants me to carry on as normal living the life we've built together whilst he has some space.
He's denied anyone else being involved twice since he left and has said he felt like he was in a rut. Poor excuse if you ask me. I feel lost. Don't know how to carry on in the house without him. Unsure about my future and how this is affecting my kids. My confidence and self worth is shattered.
But what's killing me is that I really don't feel like I have a valid reason for him leaving. He won't go to counselling. At least If I thought there was another woman, id have closure. But no. And I'm just so broken and lost.

Hi ladies, glad you have checked in here to tell us how you weekend are going, even if you are feeling crap, it's important to be able to release your true feelings.
Weekends can be very difficult , op just try to eat anything you can if possible, as it will give you some energy.
Yes ladies do get legal advis, they ar no longer your friends and you have to do all you can to protect you and your children.
No answer to when it will get better op, it just a minefield and it really is just going with it, but just try to stay focused on YOU and DC.
Walks, meeting friends, watching telly you like, box sets, counselling ,
Thinking of you both so much 💗

Ive come to hate weekends. I long for work days so my mind isn't constantly on him.

I just feel so sad. Everyone else seems to be part of a couple, and I feel so alone. My DS told our neighbour today that his daddy doesn't live with us anymore and that he comes and see's him sometimes.

My heart is breaking for me and DS. No matter how many times ex lets him down and ignores him DS still worships him and that kills me. My boy deserves the world and im devasted that there's nothing I can do to make his daddy see the trail of devastation he's left behind.

That bastard has stolen our future. There were so many things we were going to do, and places we were going to take DS and now it'll just be the two of us. He's left a massive hole in our lives and it pains me that he just does not care.Some people are so god damn cruel

My daughter asked him today during visitation if he was coming home. She says he said no then got upset crying. I'm livid with him. He doesn't even know what we've been through over the last 12 weeks or so. How does he have the right to cry in front of his child when this is all his doing?? He gave up on his marriage when he had his head turned! He's the failure! 😡

I seem to be going backwards. The good days seem to be getting less, and the bad days are increasing. Im crying all the time again and have been awake for 3 hours in the middle of the night for the last two nights.

Break ups are hard enough but when you have to have contact because of DC its impossible. I flit from one emotion to the next, im all over the place. I just cant seem to accept it. I want to beg him to reconsider, I rack my brains thinking of ways to get him to come home. I know thats wrong and he should come back because he wants to, but I just cant seem to live with this fact. There is no OW as far as I know, which means he left because it must have been so awful being with me. I know I need to try and maintain some dignity but I just want him to see how broken he's left me.

Sorry just needed to vent as the tears roll down my cheeks

Sick, mine managed to convince me there was no OW also. He also made me feel like it was me and my awful accusations and nagging. He needed space to clear his head. Unfortunately his phone bills told me a very different story after 12 weeks of him being gone. If you suspect anything, snoop. For your own answers. Because he won't give you any. X

Mine knew he'd never get back if I knew he's cheated. And I believe he was testing the waters once he left and trying to keep his options open. But once I found out the truth, I made an appt to file for divorce. X

As long as you continue to give him such power you will continue to feel powerless. Closure is an internal dialogue not an external one, it's about accepting where you are in order to move forward. The truth is people are allowed to end relationships, even for totally spurious reasons and whilst we may not agree we do have to accept it because if we don't, we condemn ourselves to limbo which hurts us and not them.

When my Ex was arrested and was on remand for assaulting me he sent some lame arsed bs letter about him not being the person who attacked me. It was then I realised, not only did he not have the answers but he was incapable of finding them, so I conducted my own post mortem. It was during that process that I was forced to confront the realities of my relationship with him. The attack was a culmination of an attitude that went back years, behaviours which I had treated as isolated incidents were part of a pattern, a pattern which I couldn't acknowledge because being in a relationship and not the quality of the relationship, was my goal.

You may never know the reasons for him ending your marriage and the good news is, you don't need to know why to choose to move forward. Allow yourself time to grieve but don't get trapped into thinking that a) there are answers and b) he has them.

Yes, just as Bones says, you need to find some answers for your own peace of mind.
He has made decisions about YOUR future and now you need to take some control back because you are in limbo.
You say you are racking your brains to think of ways to get him to come home. It's horrible. I did that, I so wanted him to change his mind ,and realise he had made a big mistake.
For now you just have to focus on you and start making plans for you and DC. Get legal advice, look at your finances etc.
Yes you can't make them feelings that you want him to change his mind go away BUT in the meantime you have to start managing the reality of the situation.
I look back over the past year and wonder how I've managed .
I had to sell our home, start divorce proceedings, help DC through their Grief and I was a quivering wreck.
So if I can do it so can you even with all the crap your going through.
You can't change his mind, only he can do that .
Make a list with a few things on it that you can achieve with number one been to see one or two solicitors for advice, you get a free half hour with most solicitors.
💗❤thinking of you so much xx

I'm afraid I disagree a little bit with Ise. Yes, people are allowed to end relationships but they should do it morally and right. Mine was cruel. He'd had his head turned so tried to blame me. He isn't a nice person even after our pretty great 19 years together. He flicked me away like a piece off his shoe. No respect. I'd rather have had honesty and feel it's the least I deserved after all our life experiences together. Plus, at the very least, I'm the mother of his children.
He's acted like a love struck child. Led by his dick. Probably bad mouthed me and rewritten our history has he's spent his nights on the phone to her or spending time with her. I remember a very different relationship. It's wrong and immoral. He's fractured so many relationships too not just ours. If she's not turned his head, I think he'd have still been here now.
He's ruined my life.

Yes , I agree with all you say Bones, it's wrong and immoral what they have done to us.
The destruction they have caused is immense.
Yes they have ruined our lives for now Bones, but in time things may and hopefully will change and our lives may get better.
I don't want you or me to be defined by their selfish destructive behaviour.
❤

I have my counselling session today and it's much needed. I'm dizzy and irritated.
A complete lack of understanding again. What's he thinking? Is SHE the one for him? Am I his mistake and why did it take 19 years for him to realise?
During one of our post split chats he mentioned that he was fed up of our rut and me threatening him with divorce. I remember saying it once 2 years ago on holiday because he'd called me a sad individual who brought the whole family down. But never again. Could he be making it up to make him feel better?
It's just so unacceptable to me to be thrown away like I never meant anything to him. I hope his honeymoon period comes crashing to a halt soon for him and he realises. I miss him so much. The man I fell in love with. But he's gone. 😢

Let us know how the counselling goes bones, its something I might have to consider xxx

Counselling was amazing. Really helped me clear my head. Things that I can't say to my mum and sister like 'yes I do still love him even though he's destroyed my soul'
I got 6 one hour sessions through my employer so I'm gonna use them. I feel like I'm thinking straight tonight. X

And it really helped me to realise I'm not crazy?? And that he is still trying to manipulate and control me. X

Divorce day 🖤
Wish me luck guys. Today is filing day. 😢

Wishing you the best of luck Bones,
So glad you found the counselling helpful.
Counselling really helped me through the initial fog and help clear your head.
How are your DC. Xx

Wishing you luck bones xxxx

Thanks girls,
My kids have been amazing throughout all this. Don't think I'd have got through if it wasn't for them. Especially my eldest
Xx

It's done. I've filed for divorce. 🖤

Well done bones. I've followed your thread from the start and have nothing but admiration for the way you've handled it all! You might not feel it, but you come across as strong. You've taken control. To quote the therapists, He needs to 'own' his behaviour and accept responsibility. And also to know that you were never going to crawl away and just take it!

Good for you!

Wow, I cant imagine how tough that mustve actually been. Your exh just lost the best thing that will probably ever happen to him. What a total cock.

This is the start of a new journey for you and your DD's. Sending you big hugs xxxx

Thank you ladies that really means a lot. I have to say I've not felt very strong a lot of the time but I've always known what I'd do once I had my 'closure'
And for me, that was my proof. Then I was able to realise his blame deflecting and horridness. My husband is gone girls. So it's me and the girls now. X

Well done Bones, it's horrible to be in this situation.
No one wants to end a marriage but a wise woman said to me "some marriages aren't supposed to be saved".

It does get easier, I'm finding I've started to look to the future and know it can be positive.

Sometimes we just have to accept that life will take a different path, it's not wrong just different from what we thought it would be.It's only looking back will you know this is right for you.

He's never shown me any sign of wanting to reconcile although has seemed keen to have me waiting in the wings whilst he had some 'me time'
But that's not acceptable is it? Not in a marriage. But in a marriage he wouldn't have had his secret 'friendship' either so hey ho. X

How are you feeling bones, have you heard from your husband.
How are your DC xx