My husband left me and I have no closure

[Bones2017]

My husband left me and my kids (7&3) 10 weeks ago. We've been together for 20 years since we were 18 yrs old and married for 5. It seemed out of the blue to me at the time but looking back now, things have been harder for a short while.
Since last summer he seemed distant. He'd sit in another room on his computer whilst I watched telly. He'd be late home from work most nights. I found porn on his computer. He was protective over his phone also. One morning he was getting a text from a woman and he explained it was a colleague letting him know she'd be late in. Maybe. There was impotence issues also which I put down to him starting to smoke again. I had asked a few times if we were ok and if he'd met someone but he always denied it and reassured me that he loved me.
There was times when I didn't know where his wages were going and I had to work extra to make ends meet. He took out Payday loans behind my back also.
So the night before he left, we had sex and it was different. He really pulled at my hair and he hurt me. When I fell asleep, he went through my phone and read some messages to friends that I'd written about some of my troubles with him. He then sat me down the next night and told me that there was no trust anymore. He said he needed some time out and would be leaving me. Of course I begged him to stay and thought it was all my fault. He was very angry with me.
2 weeks after leaving me, he was viewing places to rent. He wants me to stay in the house. Wants me to carry on as normal living the life we've built together whilst he has some space.
He's denied anyone else being involved twice since he left and has said he felt like he was in a rut. Poor excuse if you ask me. I feel lost. Don't know how to carry on in the house without him. Unsure about my future and how this is affecting my kids. My confidence and self worth is shattered.
But what's killing me is that I really don't feel like I have a valid reason for him leaving. He won't go to counselling. At least If I thought there was another woman, id have closure. But no. And I'm just so broken and lost.

Just checking to see how you are Bones, how has today been. How are you feeling.
Yes it's a statement I said to my friends when they asked me how did I know he was having an affair.
I replied by saying " I just know" , it was a gut instinct.
I kept asking him and he continually denied it which in my heart I wanted to believe.
I hadn't read " the cheaters script " and knew very little about affairs and really never thought he would walk out and leave us.
Thinking of you xx

I'm feeling really empowered today. Sold my car and bought a cheap one for now. So I think I have the money for the divorce. I'm pressing on with it because I just know he's never going to admit his affair. But it's clear as day to anyone with any sense. Plus, yes, I knew. Instinct is definitely key.
I'm sure there'll still be low days but for now me and my girls are excited for our future. They seem a bit happier in the fact that they know he loves them and they're still seeing him. And I'm still here doing all what I always did anyway.
I plan to get well and happy again now. Because today at least, I honestly couldn't give a toss who he's with now. Good riddance. X

I knew that as soon as I had evidence of the OW, I'd let go sooner. And that's what I'm doing. I won't compete. Ever. X

Great that your feeling really empowered today😘and are cracking on with with a new start with your girls.
Like you I had to have evidence of OW , I had to see it and know it was real to truly start detaching myself. Seen divorce lawyer, for sale board outside the house . It has been truly so hard , but we have our own home now and divorce is underway.
It's so good you don't feel that you give a toss today, them feelings along with anger will keep you going.
Rooting for you, you should be so proud of yourself x😘

Yeah I had to know the truth before I could move on. And now I do. So off I go. He'll be sorry one day I know it.

I'd definitely recommend the books by Vikki Stark. They really helped me to believe that none of this was my fault. I knew nobody directly who had gone through this so reading her book was enlightening.

These men really don't understand what they're doing. They're weak and compromised by what they think is reality. If for any reason they get bored or stressed, they look for excitement. And being in long term relationships 15-20 years does seem to be a commonplace theme among these men. Definitely a hint of mid life crisis to them all. Is sad because it destroys lives. But I've promised myself and my 2 girls that we will be ok. And this experience and heartbreak will make me extra careful as I teach my girls to become women.

Bones, am really pleased to see that you're feeling stronger and looking forward. Well done you.

You might have low days again, but they will lesson, and the good days will increase.

You've come a long way in a short time.
Take care

lessen, sorry not lesson!

The hurt will always be there. And an element of disbelief that this is what he's chosen over what he had. But the facts push me on. I can't forgive him even if he wanted me to. I'd rather be alone. He's killed my soul. And the fact that he's continued with arrogance and self interest since he's destroyed our lives cements what I'm doing. He's made his bed...

I'm a bit sad tonight. Still determined but a bit sad. Ups and downs are normal though aren't they? Thinking a bit like 'what we could've been' and 'what the f has he done'
Hope she's worth all this pain he's caused.

You will have sad days Bones, even though you have answers now.
You can't just switch off your emotions unfortunately.
You will go through a range of emotions through this process.
One step forward and two back at the beginning , but that does change.
Remember this is a grieving process.
Keep focussing on you,
You sound so positive already😘😘
Keep moving forward,
Xx

His complete arrogance and unwillingness to admit what he's done kills me. Despite the phone bills and other evidence he still denies it! He just cannot take responsibility for what he's done. He's probably not wanting her named in the divorce. I just don't know. I feel like he will never feel any remorse or sorrow for what he's losing.

I've got exactly the same scenario going on Bones, it's infuriatingly ridiculous - obviously he knows, I know, he knows I know yet he still continues to lie!

Worst of all he's now lying to the DC as well. He told DS he wouldn't be able to spend last weekend with him because he had to attend a "work event" in London. Then OW had pics plastered all over her social media of her weekend away in London. How fucking dare he prioritise her over DS. The pair of seedy, morally bankrupt twats absolutely revolt me.

Yes you can't believe the blatant lies and deceit to their own children.
It mays you so fucking angry.
I wanted to vent my anger at him but found the best thing to do was no contact unless I had too.
You ladies are at the beginning of this and you can't believe the character they have became.
They are dirty lying twats.
Disgusting.
Anger is good, it will pull you through this crap.
And they will deny and deny even if you caught them shagging.
So just leave them with there delusions that they are good guys.
You can't change them.
Hard as it keep concentrating on your recovery and being there for your DC.
Xx

Ok I've drank wine tonight but here goes.
I'm lost. So completely lost. My self worth and confidence has gone. I don't want anyone else. I only want him. But after what he's done, I don't want him. So what's the point? Please someone tell me they at least realise what they've done one day??? X

Hi bones
Just rtft and wanted to say you've been amazing through all this, so clear-headed despite the heartache, what inspiration for your girls.

I've been there with the crushing sadness, sleepless nights/dark mornings and that feeling of this can't be happening. So I truly feel for you.

Mine was EA and used a fling with an OW as punishment once. It feels like having you heart ripped out, I know.

But to answer your question, since the divorce him stealing all my life savings yes, I think he does now regret it. He's been through two relationships, one of which with someone who met my DS as they lived together. Both women has "psychological problems" which is ea speak for "eventually stopped buying my version of events".

He's often tried to reel me back in through charm and manipulation. Gets teary-eyed talking about DS. Seems to be regretful though he'd be too proud to say so.

But what I wanted to say was that when someone who is supposed to have loved you and your children behaves with so much disrespect and lack of basic human kindness then one day you wake up not wanting them near you ever again. The lights come on and you realise you don't care if they regret it or not, you wouldn't have them back anyway x

I'll look forward to that day. X

Bones, im feeling exactly the same.

Im just struggling to actually accept that someone can walk away after so long and just start living a seperate life. I know that usually they've detached some time before but my ex denies this and says that it was an argument we had about 3 weeks ago. One argument that pushed him to leave, which makes me feel like it was my fault and now im kicking myself!

The argument was because our 3 year old had banged his head quite badly at nursery and id called him to let him know. He said he'd be in a bar for the rest of the day/evening where the reception was bad but would call me to ensure he was ok. He did not call for 7 hours during which time id called and text him numerous times. We had a massive row about how his priorities were all wrong and he didnt come home that night.

Although I admit that things hadnt been great, I just could not and would not have walked away from my family. We sat and ordered a new car a couple of weeks before, why would you do that if you didn't think you would still be there?!?!??

He still categorically denies any OW and although I recognise a few of the signs from other threads I have no proof of one. We work in the same industry so id like to think Id have found out by now.

He said he thinks we need to talk about how im feeling, and get the financials sorted but nothing has changed and hes made the right decision. I just cant seem to accept that he'd rather be without me (i dont mean that in a big headed way), id do anything to try and work it out, but he just isn't interested.

Even writing this I know it sounds silly and Im old enough to know that people's feelings change, it just hurts being the one thats left behind

Yours sounds exactly how mine was with me. Blamed me in the very beginning after routing through my phone and seeing me rant about him to a friend via text. He said he was very hurt and adamant he wasn't coming back.

12 weeks after he left me, after I'd suffered 3 months of guilt that left me so broken, I got his phone bills. And it was actually him that was playing away. In CONSTANT communication with a married coworker since last summer.!

And who knows what else has gone on between them. But his interests are definitely elsewhere just now. X

They all follow a script, mine was exactly the same as yours ladies.
They deflect the blame towards you all the time.
It's your fault, you weren't showing them enough attention, you nag , or whatever their excuses are to keep you away from the real reason is they are disengaged and are off with OW.
It so hard as you sit there blaming yourself and bearing the guilt , thinking what ifs and if I do this............. it might get him to come back etc.
I still find it hard that he walked out after twenty plus years and just totally disengaged with us.
I still find it shocking to be honest, for me it's the hardest bit .
I wanted him to regret his actions, say he was a fool, not that we could go on, too much had happened, but he hasn't.
What you have to remember THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT
It is THEIR PROBLEM
You can't believe they walk out and seem to have moved on.
I wish I could give you the answers to the why's of what they've done .
Hopefully another wiser MN will post some wise words.
All I can advise is keep focussing on you and DC and talk to friends, seek counselling and keep posting on here ladies🌺🌺😺😺

Mine was so loving for such a long time throughout our relationship. The last 18 months were hard. And now I know why. But they just up and go. I wish I could go back and chuck him out first. But I kept trying. Trying to make it work and wondering why it wasn't. And now I know why. He'd had his head turned.
I know I'll be ok. I know he is weak. And a coward. It's like he's living his life backwards.
I will divorce him. He doesn't deserve us. But I'm tied to him for life. And I can't switch my feelings off for the man I loved. But I suppose that man is gone now. X

How are you Bones, how are you , xx

I'm ok. Had my hands full over the weekend with car hunting so I've been distracted while the kids are away. How's everyone else tonight? X

Bad day here. My ex has been sticking to our agreement to take our DS to nursery each day, and see him some evenings but has disappeared off the face of the earth now with no word since yesterday afternoon.

If he's got something better to do then his DS does not even figure in his life. He cannot manage to call or even text him. No doubt he'll be in touch acting like nothings happened as soon as he's bored and decides he'll actually give DS some of his time.

I agreed that we could sit down next week and discuss money etc without having to get solicitors /CSA involved, but I cant trust one word he says so think I need to go down the legal route to protect me and DS.

Still just cannot believe he has thrown away everything without a fight. He is now in serious trouble with the bank, which is madness. We have never had any financial worries, but he's in an awful mess and I cant get my head around why he chose this life.

When will this get better. Ive not eaten one thing all day. I seem to be surviving on tea alone

I'm sorry Sick,
They really do have a personality transplant don't they? I still struggle with the change myself. I miss MY man and the one I love. I'm filing for divorce early next week because at least for now, my man is gone. He doesn't exist anymore and will soon only be thinking of himself. So whilst he's guilty and generous I'm striking now.
It's very hard to understand how they can change so much. That's what I struggle with. But, looking after me and my girls is a priority for now.