My husband left me and I have no closure

[Bones2017]

My husband left me and my kids (7&3) 10 weeks ago. We've been together for 20 years since we were 18 yrs old and married for 5. It seemed out of the blue to me at the time but looking back now, things have been harder for a short while.
Since last summer he seemed distant. He'd sit in another room on his computer whilst I watched telly. He'd be late home from work most nights. I found porn on his computer. He was protective over his phone also. One morning he was getting a text from a woman and he explained it was a colleague letting him know she'd be late in. Maybe. There was impotence issues also which I put down to him starting to smoke again. I had asked a few times if we were ok and if he'd met someone but he always denied it and reassured me that he loved me.
There was times when I didn't know where his wages were going and I had to work extra to make ends meet. He took out Payday loans behind my back also.
So the night before he left, we had sex and it was different. He really pulled at my hair and he hurt me. When I fell asleep, he went through my phone and read some messages to friends that I'd written about some of my troubles with him. He then sat me down the next night and told me that there was no trust anymore. He said he needed some time out and would be leaving me. Of course I begged him to stay and thought it was all my fault. He was very angry with me.
2 weeks after leaving me, he was viewing places to rent. He wants me to stay in the house. Wants me to carry on as normal living the life we've built together whilst he has some space.
He's denied anyone else being involved twice since he left and has said he felt like he was in a rut. Poor excuse if you ask me. I feel lost. Don't know how to carry on in the house without him. Unsure about my future and how this is affecting my kids. My confidence and self worth is shattered.
But what's killing me is that I really don't feel like I have a valid reason for him leaving. He won't go to counselling. At least If I thought there was another woman, id have closure. But no. And I'm just so broken and lost.

It's just utterly, utterly horrific Bones. I feel constantly sick and shaky, have lost a shedload of weight and am really struggling to sleep, and when I do the first few seconds of waking up are like a wrecking ball coming at me, annihilating the reality of the life I had thought we were living. It's like some wretched, warped version of Groundhog Day

We have to hold on to the fact that so many of the lovely posters on your thread have been where we are and have come out the other side. But I think one of the cruelest elements, and one of the hardest to accept, is that in your case and mine we too could be a lot further down the path to happiness and recovery if our respective H's hadn't continued to toy with and manipulate us to serve their own shitty purpose.

Hope you have some RL support today.

It's pissing down here to be honest and my kids are with him. So I'll just potter round doing my cleaning and sorting uniforms for tomorrow. Maybe have a long bath. I just want to turn my brain off for a while. I want peace. X

Love to you too johnny. I've a feeling my family might turn up today at some point x

Just checking in to see how you are feeling this afternoon, have your family popped into see you.
Weekends can be very difficult, especially if the kids are not around, thinking of you xx

Thank you Clock,

I've just spent an hour on the phone with an emergency councillor because I got very shakey and panicked. I feel a bit better now.
It's all consuming isn't it? The thoughts are with me constantly and it's impossible to get away from them. Trying to switch the focus from him to me is difficult. No motivation to do anything. My legs are weak and it's just hard to function sometimes.
Time will heal. And in the meantime I just want my kids back to distract me from my mind. X

You did the right thing by speaking to a counsellor .
It is such an awful time
Are you going to try to see s counsellor on a regular basis
It will help you so much to express your feelings
What time are the kids back
Do you have to see him
I found it so difficult seeing him so asked that he stayed in the car.
Just set me back all the time.
Do you work.
I had to go off sick for awhile as I was in such a bad way.
I would of loved to have the distraction of work but just couldn't cope.
Could you watch a film or box set to distract you or go for a walk even it just around the block.
Weekends especially Sundays can be very painful.
Xx

This is my first post, so hope im doing this right! Bones, im in such a similar position to you. My partner of almost 10 years left me and our 3 year old a couple of weeks ago. Things hadn't been right for a while, but stupidly i just never thought he'd ever leave. Ive since found out by pure chance that he's run up a four figure debt thats all been spent on alcohol. He's continuously let our son down by not turning up when he's meant to, and is now a complete stranger to me. I convinced myself that he's having a mid life crisis, but I honestly don't think its that. He's told me he loves me but isnt in love with me anymore.

Ive been through a whole range of emotions and have lost loads of weight, cant sleep, and burst into tears at any given moment. Im still in our home which whilst im grateful for that is difficult as its full of memories and his stuff!!!

I think like most I want him back more than anything, but im not sure its for the right reasons. I cant imagine my life without him, and cant believe my son will miss out on having us together but part of me thinks its the fact it wasn't my decision thats making it so hard. I feel like ive lost control and I dont like it.

Ive decided today that I need to try and get on with my own life. I do dread the day I find out theres someone else but I suppose that will just make me hate him.

Ive done the crying, begging (shameful) and suggested counselling but got nowhere so before I lose all my self respect im going to step away and just be civil. I have to still have contact because of our son, but im going to keep my distance otherwise ( easier said than done). It seems so unfair that he's already moved on, dealt with it and seems fine, where I just feel utterly destroyed.

I just wanted you to know your not on this awful journey from hell on your own x

Kids are due back around tea time. I've text his mum and asked her to return them for me. I'm due to start regular therapy sessions next week. Hopefully that will help. I'm also off work for another 2 weeks. I've been off since new year but after this weeks proof of OW, I've took 10 leaps backwards. I really feel sick at the thought of him looking at anyone like he used to look at me, touch them like he used to touch me... 😩💔
It's all just so heartbreaking and I have no idea how long my life was lies. I just don't know how I'm going to get over this at all. X

I really am having such a hard time thinking that he's even thinking straight. I'm a little worried that he's just gone mental or something. I worry that when he snaps out of this he'll be full of regret and shame. It's so bad. X

Try not to focus on him and what he might be doing, hard as that is.
Yes you can't just switch off your emotions about them, but you have to try and focus on you and DC.
The thoughts you have with him touching the OW are heartbreaking.
Your mind plays tricks on you and you tend to look at all the great times you had with them and the physical pain when you think of them together sends you into tears.
It's all part f the grief process.
Are the children back yet. Xx

Sick of this already, so sorry you are going through this also.
Everything you wrote I resonate with.
Like you things weren't good, but I honestly never felt he would walk out on his family.
You are doing all the right things and yes try to focus on your life now.
Don't be ashamed for begging, most of us have done that.
You were just trying to keep your family together,.
I look back with no regret, I tried everything to keep our family together , tried to get him to go to relate, etc.
You can't change them , all you can do is focus on you and your son .
Keep posting on here , it can be a great support and lean on family no friends .
Counselling is a life saviour too.
Sending you 🌺🌺xx

Thank you clockwork 97 xxx.

How are you doing today bones? Are you finding that your emotions are all over the place? Yesterday was a good day for me, I felt strong, made a few plans and slept well. This morning I feel like the wound has opened up all over again. I have times (like now) where I just cant seem to accept that its over. Like you I keep thinking he will surely come to his senses soon and come back.

I know deep down the chances of this are slim. I wish I was 6 months down the line and over this awful period where I just feel devasted and like half of me is missing.

Not a good day here either. He came last night and I presented him with my evidence and asked for the truth. He still denies it although it looks so bad.
I'm a nervous wreck. He was trying to control me again. Telling me he wasn't ready for divorce and saying he'll always love me and the kids. Then apologised for saying he'll always love me when I said he confused me. He just doesn't want me contacting her husband or naming her in the divorce.
He says he's gonna ring me today.

I divorced within months for financial reasons, but even then, I said to his DB, that if he ever expressed any doubt about what he was doing, to come and talk to me, because I still loved him and would have still hoped to work things out for DC's sake. I said just because we are divorced doesn't mean we can't try again. Of course he didn't , and I wouldn't have wanted him back eventually anyway, but I think that feeling didn't go for quite a while, even though I doubt I would ever have trusted him again.

Bones nobody can force you to divorce, but he can't stop you either if you go for UB. It is up to you whether you want to take control or not. I did name OW in the divorce for UB, citing inappropriate contact with her. That royally pissed off the pair of them.

Your H will deny it, they all deny it, even when faced with evidence, they come up with some excuse. I asked XH outright if he was texting OW, he said no. I asked him again, he said maybe once or twice. I then presented him with the fact that his bills showed he was texting her all day every day. Then he claimed that they were just friends. I think even if I had caught them shagging he would have claimed he trip and fell .

Don't make any decisions until you have seen a solicitor. Hopefully your counselling will help you feel a bit better too.

I've text him this morning and told him I'm pushing ahead with the divorce. And I've made an appt with my solicitor to start the ball rolling. I've sold my car so I have £2.5k to proceed although I'm not sure if that's enough??

He's not willing to admit what he's done but I can prove they've had an inappropriate relationship from the bank statements and the phone bills so I have to push on and get peace now for myself.

He's arrogant and even appears like he's enjoying this at times. His whole demeanour is that he's the victim and full of his own importance. So I'm pushing on. I don't care now who he's with. They way he's discarded me is reason enough for me now.

I still hope though that one day he'll realise why he's done to me. X

I still hope mine will even 5 years later but he won't want while with OW and he may never.

Well done on forging ahead. I don't know how much it will cost as mine was settled quite quickly and I got in before Leah all aid ended, which was another reason for doing it so quickly.

Draw up a list before you go to solicitor, of what you want to achieve, take any evidence with you. Court fees, there is a set fee for filing which I think now includes decree absolute and nisi. Solicitor can draw up paperwork transferring equity to you.

Take list of all assets, pensions etc.

We already have a financial agreement in place I think. Agreed between us and for now, he's sticking to it so fingers crossed. X

Bones, well done.Getting a divorce quickly feels like ripping the plaster off but it does enable you to move onwards.

He has made his choice, he's not acting like a man who has doubts.He does however want to keep you dangling as a safety net plus he's not keen to completely have you out if his life.

Yes and I think I realised that after last night. Giving me a hug and telling me he'll always love us. But then stating we WILL get a divorce but he wasn't ready just yet?? It's all mind games and I'm not playing anymore. I've sold my car today to pay for the divorce and bought a banger. It'll get me around until it's all settled. Filing within the week. I've had enough. This has made me very ill physically and mentally and I've got to get my power back. He can't make my decisions anymore. If he's not here then he's not part of me. X

His actions and words are driven by his feelings for this OW (which he still denies despite evidence) and when the honeymoon period is over I just know he'll be sorry. X

You are doing so well Bones,
Mine said he didn't want a divorce at first but had left us !!.
It took me a few more months than you to start the divorce so you should be proud of yourself that underneath the shock and grief you are having to endure you are making steps forward and starting to gain some control.
He's playing mind games and saying nice things to you to ease his guilt and to try to look he's still a good guy and loves his family. All rubbish.
You sound a little stronger and hopefully some anger will kick in soon.
Xx

I think what's driving me now is the fact that I know he's gone. He's not the man I was with at the very least and I know he's been lying to me for months. My children and me don't deserve that.
I still think he's in some kind of fog that will eventually lift. But too much damage has been done. And I told him it's not actually what he's done, it's how he's done it that's cruel.
Honestly, she's welcome to that kind of character

I don't know if he will ever admit his regret as he will not take responsibility and you will be blamed.This is part of his denial that enables him to walk away without guilt.

OW is a fool, an affair is not really life and it's all an illusion.Real life will catch up and his discontent will start again.Happiness is within and emotionally mature adults know this.

You are right to take action, getting back in control will help and energise you.

I've shown his mum a picture of OW and given her name. So when he unveils her, he'll unveil himself too. His loss. I'm done. X

I'm lucky. I have my mum & sister who've watched me literally break down. My sister said it was scary.
And I also have a very special group of friends who have been my glue. They've kept my mind grounded through his lies and manipulation. They're my glue.
But ladies, your instincts are key. You have to trust them. If it's there, it's true. There no way around it. And once it's there, there's no getting away from it. It's rooted. Embedded. And most probably true. Just trust yourselves. You know. You just know. X