My husband left me and I have no closure

[Bones2017]

My husband left me and my kids (7&3) 10 weeks ago. We've been together for 20 years since we were 18 yrs old and married for 5. It seemed out of the blue to me at the time but looking back now, things have been harder for a short while.
Since last summer he seemed distant. He'd sit in another room on his computer whilst I watched telly. He'd be late home from work most nights. I found porn on his computer. He was protective over his phone also. One morning he was getting a text from a woman and he explained it was a colleague letting him know she'd be late in. Maybe. There was impotence issues also which I put down to him starting to smoke again. I had asked a few times if we were ok and if he'd met someone but he always denied it and reassured me that he loved me.
There was times when I didn't know where his wages were going and I had to work extra to make ends meet. He took out Payday loans behind my back also.
So the night before he left, we had sex and it was different. He really pulled at my hair and he hurt me. When I fell asleep, he went through my phone and read some messages to friends that I'd written about some of my troubles with him. He then sat me down the next night and told me that there was no trust anymore. He said he needed some time out and would be leaving me. Of course I begged him to stay and thought it was all my fault. He was very angry with me.
2 weeks after leaving me, he was viewing places to rent. He wants me to stay in the house. Wants me to carry on as normal living the life we've built together whilst he has some space.
He's denied anyone else being involved twice since he left and has said he felt like he was in a rut. Poor excuse if you ask me. I feel lost. Don't know how to carry on in the house without him. Unsure about my future and how this is affecting my kids. My confidence and self worth is shattered.
But what's killing me is that I really don't feel like I have a valid reason for him leaving. He won't go to counselling. At least If I thought there was another woman, id have closure. But no. And I'm just so broken and lost.

My sister is on her way now. My mum knows and my dad. I'm 3 months in and only found out about OW for certain yesterday. So I know I'm over a lot of my grief for the relationship but the betrayal is raw now.
Do you have to put a down payment in to retain a solicitor? X

So glad that your sister's on her way and you have support from your family, if it hadn't been for my family and friends I genuinely think I'd have totally lost it.

I had a free half hour appointment with a few solicitors, I definitely think it's worth seeing more than one - the first one I saw was averagely useless, second two told me more or less the same thing and so I chose the one I felt more at ease with. And yes, you will have to pay to retain one. My solicitor has recommended agreeing as much as possible via mediation to lessen costs. The thought of being in a room with him makes me feel physically sick and panicky though. I haven't seen or spoken to him since he left.

Scary journey ahead I suppose. X

I think I've found a really lovely solicitor. Gonna ring and make an appt with her. It's so bad. Never thought I'd be going through this. X

Hi bones and everyone else. I have been on Mn for years but this is my first ever post. Bones I am going through the exact same situation to you - the timings are uncanny, even down to I am also about to see a solicitor for the first time!! it's so so horrible and I can't believe I am finding myself in this situation. OH loves me but not "in love", this is best for our children (age 5 and 3, girls) apparently, both of our faults (!!) oh and yes of course there is an OW!! Anyway I don't want to derail your thread but just to say you are not the only one, it's not your fault and we will get through this!! I am not able to post very much but will be on here and am so very very for the support and advice offered. I don't think I could get through this without the power of MN XXXX

Oh Mygirl, I'm sorry you're going through the Same. Love and hugs to you. X

I went through this 2.5yrs ago, although we didn't have children. Ex OH worked in London during week and came home Fri evenings. Told me out of the blue one evening on his return he didn't want to be with me anymore, didn't love me, never had in the 10 years we had been together and had never "fancied" me. Returned to London 2 days later and didn't come back "home" for a month. Swore blind he hadn't met anyone else, though something in the back of my mind told me he was lying.
LSS, I found out that he had met someone prior to splitting with me, a woman who was sat opposite him on the train on his weekly commute!
Felt like my world had fallen apart and that I was going to lose my home, dogs, everything. From somewhere I found this incredible inner strength and despite being broken hearted I worked every hour god sent, and begged and borrowed money and bought him out of our house, despite him earning over £100k/year and me earning £40k.
I remain in my home with my new partner, have paid back the money I borrowed and yes, my heart has mended. I feel nothing for my ex, no hatred, no love, absolutely nothing.
The pain eases, believe me. You WILL survive. I will never ever forget the kindness of my close friends at the time, they got me through, so don't shut them out and take any help/support that's offered. Good luck x

I struggle with a lot of thoughts and feelings. When did he think it was ok to get involved with another woman. I honestly thought we were so good together.
The lies, the lies, lies. The false I love you's and the fake date nights. All the time he was sat across the table from me, he was probably thinking of her.
My youngest shares a name with his OW too so that's a kick in the guts every time I call my daughters name.
It's just completely shameful and heartbreaking
💔💔💔

Hi Bones.
Just checking in to see how you are today ,
How are things xx

I'm afraid my plot thickens.
Turns out the married woman he's took to is the wife of one of my husbands colleagues.
I feel like I'm heading for a breakdown with all this now. I'm shakey all the time, upset, not sleeping, nightmares. I'm down 2.5 stone now.
I know that his job is now none of my concern but if this comes out he could lose his job. That will impact my kids.
He's created a right mess here. X

This woman did used to work at his place too but I think she's left now. So my husband is still working with her husband. And it's probably a massive secret still. Only it isn't to me now I know the truth. X

How are you finding this out? Just if he's being careless the husband may also know.

Also if you have info then you can file for adultery which does make the divorce more straightforward.

When are you seeing a solicitor?

Yes like her hermonie says if he is been careless others will know and office colleagues can be extremely perceptive .
How have you found out this new information.
All the feelings you are suffering unfortunately are very normal.
The more information you find out it sends your body into shock.
I've been there, just take a minute at a time and just eat what you can.
Rest as that will be helping you through this crap.
Drink surgery drinks and snacks if you can.
I used to eat two bananas just for energy , to gels me deal with the children.
This is an awful time but it does get easier.
Glad you have found a good solicitor, lean on friends .
It's the lies , more lies and deceit and betrayal that are the real kick in the teeth.
His behaviour is vile, keep posting on here, we will try to help you through the pain xx

Sorry, a few typing errors there, just remember he has had time to adjust to this situation, I remember last year when it happened to me , someone who had been in our situation said, it's like a long marathon but they are already on mile eight as they started on the race awhile ago.
You unfortunately have just started in the running blocks and keep getting knocked back each half mile as you keep meeting different obstacles that you were unaware of, in this case it's OW, lies , deceit etc.
But they also told me to help me is that the first mile is awful and maybe the next two or three, as you adjust to the race bit by bit , but you keep putting one foot in front of each other and slowly it does get easier.
You are only on the first mile or so on this journey and yes it's so hard.
They are ahead at the moment as they have had it smooth and started on it awhile ago.
It doesn't mean it will stay like that.
Not that there is any winners or losers on this journey, but you will catch up with him day by day........
As you adjust to what has happened.
Thinking of you and DC so much xx

bones you can file for adultery if you have absolute proof of cheating, otherwise you can go for unreasonable behaviour if you don't want to wait the 2 years. I went for UB on the grounds that he was communicating with another woman and had left the family home and moved in with her and her husband.

Your H has created a sorry mess if it is a colleague's wife and yes could have implications for his work. I mentioned earlier about telling her H, and that I left it too late, but I myself did as others here have advised and waited until the finances etc were sewn up, as it is easier.

With this new information, you really do need to push ahead and get everything sorted out. I know it is hard, but if he loses his job at some point, he will come after equity in the house, even though now he is saying you can have it.

See that solicitor and get the paperwork drawn up and signed, and start the divorce off. Your solicitor will of course advise you on what to do.

Just keep on, one day at a time. I survived on a banana and half a sandwich a day, plus lots of water and a multi vitamin. I felt as long as I was having water and vitamins, I would survive .

I don't know if you looked at the leaver and the left, but I have put a link here as it describes it very well, and was given to me by my counsellor.

theparentconnection.org.uk/articles/the-leaver-and-the-left

I have no proof of sexual contact but he's been in constant contact with her since the summer and I have proof of that. X

I should've trusted my gut in the summer. This is awful to realise what he's done. X

It is horrible because your gut instinct tells you that something is going on, but all other facts mean that you don't believe it or can't believe it, because you love them and trust them and know that they would not do that to you, or so you think... sadly they do. and it is very clear, that once they start thinking about somebody else, and being consumed by them all the time, that the feelings that they have for you are going.

Then of course they tell themselves that they haven't been happy for ages, that OW makes them laugh and all DW does is nag and moan and be miserable. They don't deserve that, they deserve to be happy and OW will make them happy. So they rewrite history, to show that they had to go because DW is a cow, when in actual fact, DW is totally bemused and confused as to what the hell has happened.

My XMIL told me that we were ok until we had DC, that me and XH were best friends until DC came along and changed everything. I told her that DC arrive in most marriages and that most marriages survive it! XH then went on to have a baby with OW, and has basically replicated the life he had before, the life that he didn't want .

You will get through this, we all get through this, but in the beginning, we feel that we cannot survive another day, but we do.

Most likely to be the case of OW.

Treat yourself like you are in shock, hot sweet tea and try to rest.Your mind will be on overdrive but it does get better.

You will lose feelings for him.It happens when you start to realise what a weak man you married.He's not worthy or deserving of you.

There's loads of puzzle pieces that I should've put together at the time but didn't because he managed to talk me round until he'd made his own final decisions. I should've trusted my gut.
It's not even what he's done now that hurts so much as how he's done it. He's created such a mess for himself now. I'm not one to hold anyone back so if he didn't want to be here last summer I could've been so far ahead by now and my girls may have had a better Christmas.
I just hope karma gets him one day and he feels an ounce of how I do now.

Nobody will ever know this pain unless they've lived it. X

I understand. You feel like your heart has been ripped out. All joy has been sucked out of your life. You can't survive without him. You can't eat, sleep, breathe.

I was you 5 years ago. Everybody told me it would get better. I didn't believe them.

But it does, slowly but surely. Step by step, day by day, time is a healer. all cliches, but all true.

You will be happy again. It will stop hurting. You are worth more than this. You will get through this. .

When will the nightmares stop? Although I'm 3 months in, I only got the proof of the OW this week and feel like I'm back at day 1.
I can't eat, sleep and when I do I'm having nightmares. I'm shaking all the time. It's awful. My life was a lie for so long.

He's committed emotional murder 💔😢

What are your plans for today, Bones? Can you take yourself and your children off somewhere nice? Do you live close to a park/the sea/a local attraction? Some fresh air might do you good. I am sorry that you are going through this. Previous posters are right, it will get better. Just take one step at a time