Partner left me - I've not eaten since Thursday. When will I cope?

[CantstandmLMs]

My relationship has ended and it's the biggest shock. This time last week we were so in love but he's left me.

Thursday night I didn't eat and got drunk off two strong vodka and oranges. I've not eaten since - yesterday I forced myself to have a bath and ate a mini fun size bag of M&Ms as I thought I should have something. I couldn't stomach anything else. I have no appetite at all, the thought of eating makes me feel like being sick, I think because I'm keeping being sick at bay just thinking about things.

I've read a couple of other threads and I know this kind of heart ache is normal. He was my first and only love. He's not responding to me now so I suppose I have to accept that. I'm so worried about going to work Monday and having to start telling people

Should I force myself to eat? All I managed yesterday was to get into the bath and then I changed my bedsheets. I just want to sleep and hideaway. But when I have work I'll have no strength if I don't eat?

Yeah and turned it on me for asking if he was okay too many times. He was away with a lot of people he has known for years men and women so if it happened it's likely someone he talks to anyway. Makes it worse I think

I want a face-to-face it's infuriating but I'll have to bide my time.

I kept getting it turned on me too. Apparently even if all the evidence is pointing to something not being right you should ignore it and always believe the shit they come out with. if my gut tells me something's wrong, it's 9/10 correct.

Hasn't he got any of his stuff at yours he needs to pick up? Can't you speak to him face to face then? You'll know the truth once you see his reaction. It's how I knew to stop tormenting myself and call it a day.

Are any of the friends he went away with mutual friends? If so would one of them tell you the truth?

That's awful he did it over text, that's really awful. I'm so sorry it's also very frustrating that he has turned it on you. You deserve answers.

I have read a lot about the no contact rule, basically where you don't contact the other person at all. It's supposed to be good for healing, giving you distance from the relationship (and the person) and helping you to focus on feeling better. I sent my now ex an email on Tuesday morn & then a follow up text asking if he had at least read it on the Thursday morn and heard nothing. I have told myself to not bother contacting him again, he knows I've tried to talk. It's just frustrating this complete silence (although perhaps he has gone no contact on me?) I just think if me and him could talk I could get some answers as to why he's done this. I want to have a grown up, no shouting or high emotions chat with him but he won't respond.

I find sitting in the house the worst, I find myself just thinking about him. When I'm out and about I have at least a distraction of some sort.

I'm back to work Tuesday, by complete chance I've had the past two weeks off so at least I've had some time off to get over the initial shock and shittiness of it all.

I swear everywhere I look now there are happy couples. It's making me just feel incredibly sad. I miss him it hurts.

username

All that is here are boxers and socks at the moment. I'm sure he's not fussed. I'm sure there were more shirts and tops that maybe he took (he wouldn't normally) making me over-analyse and think did he know he was leaving. So many things point to that but seemingly it was me that kicked off the argument properly by bringing up his attitude. It's silly but I keep thinking if I just bide my time...stupid.

So there's a strong chance he'll never agree to the face to face. I actually have nothing of importance at his.

They are mutual friends and on FB but they were his friends first and stronger with him that I think they'd have his back regardless so I don't want to open that can of worms especially right now. I'm sure if it is someone all will be revealed soon enough then I'll know.

username I completely relate to all of that. Heartbreaking.

You didn't cause any of this, It's all his doing. Don't let him get in your head and make you feel guilty.

Maybe best not to contact them then, it sounds like they'll cover for him. The truth always comes out in the end.

I've thought about messaging one of his best friends at the end of the week if I haven't heard from him (this friend was not involved in that weekend).

I just feel he's an understanding person and someone he really listens to so message and say can he puresuade him to at least be honest with me and give me closure.

...even writing that down sounds silly. Just thoughts going through my head. We'll see how it goes.

I'm literally counting down the hours until bedtime

Cant I know the truth always outs in the end. If there is another woman in the picture (and I truly hope not for you) then he can't keep it covered forever surely? I hope he comes to his senses and agrees to a face to face talk with you.

I probably wouldn't message him, I think his to close to him iyswim? A mutual closeish friend may be your best bet.

Unfortunately I doubt anyone will persuade him to tell the truth, I doubt you'll get it out of him now. You'll probably be able to guess what's happened if you see him face to face though.

I just want to sleep now as well. Problem is I'll be wide awake tonight, very frustrating.

I have found that getting anything that reminds me of him and hiding it in a box has helped. I have found any clothes he left at mine, any presents he bought me etc and put them all into a box and put it in my cupboard under the stairs until I'm ready to get rid. Has helped a lot actually as now I can't see anything of his or see anything he bought for me. The worst was the cards he bought for birthdays, anniversaries, xmas etc, I physically couldn't help myself opening them and reading what he wrote. That was painful.

I have a lot of stuff bought by him that is close and important to me will have to break that tie eventually. I threw out a card I had on a shelf but haven't got rid of the pictures yet.

Dilkington yes I think you're right. We have a close mutual friend whose great at this stuff but I don't know if he would of confided in her yet. I want to but not just yet.

I just did some washing up and any small distraction seems to help but soon as i sit back down all the thoughts come back. Over analysing every conversation! I'm torn between he was so good to me he couldn't do this to um he's done this to you! Arrrrgh!!

I know how you feel about analysing every conversation. I think after a while you overanalyse too much and it makes you feel even worse. It's very hard not to do though, as soon as I get a moment to myself I start to analyse everything, again. Same cliché again but keeping busy really helps. It's just when you have a moment to yourself you then start to think about it all again. This is why I find nights the worst and I find it hard to sleep. I have literally just laid there thinking of him pretty much all night.

I think writing about it helps a lot, I'm finding it quite therapeutic to be able to type words onto a screen and be able to explain how I feel. My family and friends have been fab but I don't want to burden them with every emotion I have.

I think tonight I need some sort of schedule so I'm planning on cooking a small meal for myself, watch some comedy TV shows then read before settling into bed. I really hope I can sleep well. I hope everyone else can, too. Sending lots of [brews] out to everyone going through this (although I want something stronger but resisting temptation as I know I'll feel worse afterwards).

Really hope your routine helps you tonight and you sleep!

Writing it down and confiding in others who understand is helping me too.

It's just depressing to think do I have to try and keep busy for ever, never truely enjoying my life again? I wish I couldn't stand him so I would never try and compare potential future partners to him. It's so hard. I think in time an anger will form for good or bad. Just feel so weak right now.

It'll get better in time. It's horrible at the moment but soon it'll just be a blurry memory.

CantstandmLMs, thank you.

I felt very similar about the possibility of death being easier than coping with such pain. I wasn't about to end my life, far from it, but I understand your meaning. Sleep was also a great escape for me. I've always been a good sleeper, and I'm so grateful that I was still able to sleep well through the trauma, it really helped. I had a constant pulse in my ear, that doctor said was caused by the stress of everything.

You'll be feeling so many emotions right now, but try not to let them overtake you. I have a very strong woman friend in my life, who has been through a lot of up and downs, and I constantly look to her for inspiration. It's amazing how many incredibly strong women there are in the world. You'll slowly start to gather strength and you'll come through this. Keep coming back to mumsnet - I owe them a lot.

Cant I've read a lot about heartbreak, both from mumsnet and other sources. I find that the pain doesn't last forever (this is my first proper heartbreak so it's all new for me too). I've read about so many people who experience the emotions we're going through, but they always come out the other side, stronger and better for it. I am clinging onto that right now, that one day I'll wake up and I won't even think of him all day. I've read over and over that time does heal. It's hard to believe it now though. I'm really struggling as you are, so it's a comfort to know we can talk about it on here. I wish I could see myself a year down the line and how I am.

Yeah I've been through some crap, not heartbreak, but other stuff I thought the world was crashing down and how would I ever be happy again - helps to realise time really is a healer ...also can't help thinking he was there but there you go.

Cantstand and the others going through this right now, I wish I could take it away from you as I remember it's the most awful feeling. When you are feeling up to it, book a day to get some new clothes, haircut, some new makeup or have a free makeover with bobbi brown or somewhere similar. Go out looking fabulous and remind yourself that there is better things coming your way! There certainly will be! Look after yourself you sound like you are doing really well despite everything. Read a nice book about meeting someone drop dead gorgeous and lovely after heartbreak!

Cant the exact same thing happened to me. Here is my advice:

1. Embrace the not eating. I was like you and was in a state of panic. I didn't/couldn't eat - but the plus side is I lost a lot of weight. I know this isn't a good or healthy thing to do - but fact is you aren't going to eat if you are in this state AND it doesn't last for ever. It really doesn't. When I emerged from the fog, I looked better than I had done for ages without really trying -which then boosted my confidence. In other words, you feel how you feel, just go with it, it won't last for ever.

1. Avoid ANYTHING romantic related. I see why you'd do the spa thing if you don't want to cancel - but ONLY if you have friends going with you. Beyond that, no rom-coms films or Mills and Boon/chick lit books. Take up reading psychological thrillers and watching scary spine tingling films.

1. Avoid ANYTHING to do with the man. Allow yourself some time - 1 week/2 weeks to cry and complain to your friends. Send a deadline then ruthlessly don't speak of him again. Go total no contact. If you have mutual friends, avoid them until you feel better. Otherwise you get into this "how is [ex BF]" chat or "[ex BF] knows I'm seeing you today" and it is like picking a scab! It won't heal. No googling him. No FB, no twitter stalking. If he is your friend on FB, de-friend him or if you can't bring yourself to do it, come off FB for a bit.

1. Get busy - something that will fully occupy your mind - physical stuff is great for this as it completely engages you. Ice skating for example. It's difficult to be obsessing when you are just concentrating on not smacking your brains out on the ice or having your fingers sliced off by an out of control stranger as you flail around on the floor.

It does get better but it's a time game. The panic will subside.

Oh and my other tip is cut and paste this entire thread into a Word document (really just your posts) and forget about it. In about 12 months time, come back to it and read all the anxious panicky stuff you posted and you will realise that you had lost your mind and he wasn't worth it (I promise you that you will be amazed!)

Autumnal great advice. You use the word panic which hasn't been used here yet but actually feels like the right word!

I think the spa will take my mind off things as I'll be doing stuff and treating myself. I plan to use the gym there too.

You're right about avoiding romantic stuff. I've been drawn to dark dramas and when I try and put something funny and cheery on I get too distracted. I think I might find a psychological thriller for my kindle to get stuck into. Any reccs?

I've thought about messaging one of his best friends at the end of the week if I haven't heard from him (this friend was not involved in that weekend).

Do NOT do this. The only purpose is to try to get contact with him via an indirect route. It is transparent. Four reasons not to do it:

1. Your own self respect. Get some dignity. I know you don't feel it but fake it.

1. Every day you have no contact with this man is a step towards healing. It really is. Ruthless no contact.

3.The friend will see through it and may think you are a little unhinged. Why would you want someone to think less of you over this man?

1. (Worst reason but may help you fool yourself). If you have any hope of him realizing he made a mistake and coming back to you, it will not happen if you are crawling around him, sniffing him out via his friends acting desperate. It will only happen if you stride off into the sunset (faking it if you have to) without a backward glance. It is that that makes men question their decision -not any grovelling take me back stuff - even indirectly via their mates.

You use the word panic which hasn't been used here yet but actually feels like the right word!

It was how I felt. Totally sick inside and panicky that life was over.

how you feeling stand? I've been keeping myself busy with my attempt at making a crochet blanket(it's really bad!), I've gotten a nice koppenburg to enjoy this evening with a dvd in bed.

I haven't managed to eat all day but that's normal for me when I'm upset so not to worried about that. Have you managed any dinner?