Is Dh controlling?

[enchantmentandlove]

I'm unsure if I will even post this, but I just want to write it out.

I've been feeling a bit down recently, so my dm suggested that dd and I could stay with them for a few days. We don't live close to family and I don't drive (am learning), so I don't get to see them much and have been missing them. The plan was for my sister to kindly drive us there and back in a few days.

I've been asking Dh what he thinks of the idea and if he's happy with it as he's been having a hard time at work, but every time I ask he just says he'll think about it. My family have needed an answer, so I perhaps wrongly pretty much said dd and I would be able to come.

Dh and I were talking about it again last night, and I could see he just wasn't happy about it. So I text my sister to tell her unfortunately we couldn't come now, but that Dh thinks we can all come as a family soon anyway. I told Dh but he wanted to look at what I had written. I told him no, it's the principal of not trusting me, I didn't want him to read my messages. That's just not something we do. But he kept pressuring me over and over, asking me lots of questions and making me feel nervous. In the end I let him read the messages (covering what my sister had written, as she had seen through what I'd said and wasn't too happy with dh and I didn't want him reading that).

Dh was upset about what I'd written, when I had only written the reasons he would rather I didn't go with dd. Maybe I shouldn't have written it in that way which I apologised for, but for years I feel I don't always give my family the full impression as I don't want them to be upset with dh, and I didn't want to do that again. Still, I had only written the truth to my sister.

Afterwards I was upset, and explained to Dh I felt he was bullying me into showing my messages which I was unhappy about. I also mentioned that over the years people have often told me that they think he can be controlling of me. He just didn't seem to understand and I just apologised.

Most of the time we genuinely have a wonderful relationship. He builds me up and makes me feel valued, loved and special. He's a fantastic dad to dd. He takes care of us, and is always there for us. But occasionally, things like this happen which I'm just not okay with. I try to speak to Dh, but he's is very clever and I feel I always just feel bad for saying anything.

I guess I'm just wondering what others opinions are in this please. Thank you

So does God not want you to see your parents either? When he tells you to pray, what he's really telling you to do is worry yourself sick about something until you don't dare to go against his wishes. He's gaslighting you. There's nothing good about him. If you're into that terminology, he's evil.

OP please understand what I am telling you.

Abusive men don't change. They aren't "nice underneath it all". They don't do equal relationships. They don't do relationships full stop - they do power and control. The abuse will continue. It will get worse. They make you think you can't live without them. You can.

I lost count of the number of women who came to us saying "but you don't understand, most of the time he is great". A significant number of these women ended up in hospital or dead.

I am not trying to frighten or upset you. But please don't think your DH is any different from the abusive men you read about in the papers. They all start out the same way. Your only way of overcoming this is to leave.

Yes enchanted, he does know. He knows exactly what he is doing.

Thanks for replying so much costa.

I have a lot to think about.

I was 18 when we met, I thought he was my Disney prince rescuing me from a sad life. As time goes on, I see things I don't like so much. But then, I think maybe it's worth it to be happy most of the time. I don't know what to do or think. Thank you

Bloody hell it sounds like he's brain washed you

I sometimes think he's aware of his issues as he's said before without his faith he doesn't think he'd be a very nice person. He had such a great upbringing, filled with love, so I have never understood that side of him.

I guess I have (perhaps naively) always thought of abuse as being constant every day, and very black and white. Maybe that's not always the case.

He is not allowing you to have individual thoughts. Praying in case you didn't hear properly, right, you do hear properly just not what he wants you to hear.

Well it IS brainwashing. I'm sorry you had a sad life. He has taken massive advantage of that. He has even taught you to think that the disgusting way he controls and manipulates you is actually a loving and supportive relationship. I would watch and listen and keep your thoughts to yourself for a while. I'm sure that won't be easy for you because he has had you completely at his mercy. But starting to learn to think for yourself again is a really great place to begin.

As a pp said, this type of man looks for someone young, vulnerable, who will be grateful for some love and attention. Then slowly they start to control you, who you speak to, who you see, they try to isolate you from anyone who can see the truth - only he understands you and can protect you

It's the boiling frog analogy - if you put a frog in a pan of boiling water it will jump out. But if you put it in a pan of cold water, then turn the heat up very slowly, it won't notice until it's too late. He's turned the heat up enough that you're starting to feel uncomfortable

Here's some articles about abuse in Christian marriages

www.todayschristianwoman.com/articles/2009/january/myabusivechristianmarriage.html?start=4

mendingthesoul.org/research-and-resources/research-and-articles/a-biblical-response-to-the-abused-wife/

And don't even think about showing him this thread x

This is hard reading, I get emotional every time I read a reply. I have lots to think about. Dh is very clever, and I know I'm easily influenced.

Would speaking to his mum help?

Of course abuse isn't constant. Far from it. That's how they keep you locked in - if they were vile all day every day you wouldn't be second guessing yourself would you.

No

Why would speaking to his mum help? She most likely won't see it either. Even if she did it would make zero difference. He won't change.

Op 10 years I have worked in DV. I have never met a single abuser who has changed, ever.

Does he control your access to money?

Thank you I'll read those now.

After Dh and I had been together a while, he told me he'd always wanted to meet someone who had 'issues' that he could really help.

I just struggle to see he could have possibly planned to do this, he is generally such a kind man.

I don't really have my 'own 'money. I did speak to him about an issue I had (feeling like I go had to tell him every time I brought something we needed, such as a coat for dd), and he has relaxed about things like that a bit more since. I still can worry about it though.

(No was to speaking to his Mum). You need to find someone you can absolutely trust. Not someone in his family and not one from your church community. Can you find out about your local domestic violence service and see if they offer counselling. Also, if you can absolutely avoid detection, buy Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft. But you must not let him find it. And please ensure he doesn't find you here. Does he know you use mumsnet?

He is 100% controlling you and also your baby.

Your baby will maybe miss daddy but that won't manifest itself until she sees him again.

The reason your family don't like him is because they had the measure of him from day one.

Go to your family. You need a break. If you stay he will ramp things up as it has been too easy to control you and he needs to get his fun somewhere. I'm so sorry if this hurts you. It's so clear wha it is going on and you sound so lovely if naive.

Very chilling that he sees someone abusing someone else as "doing nice things as he loves them so much,". Watch out OP .

He said if it wasn't for his religion he wouldn't be a nice person.....

He is using religion as a very convenient mask to hide his true self.

I think you were very vulnerable when you met, young, naive and he felt like your 'saviour'

The very fact that you posted on this site asking if he was controlling should surely tell you something? You know his behaviour is wrong don't you? You just have to accept it. Once you have accepted it, then you can figure out how best to move forward.

Until that time, this vicious cycle will continue I'm afraid.

Maybe I could find some support that way. I literally feel (other than right now on mn) I have no one to speak to. I feel like I'm going crazy and imagining things. He does know I use mn so will be cautious, although I don't think he'd purposely snoop or anything. Unfortunately we buy things through his amazon and have a joint account so doubt I could buy a book. Really interested in the articles that have been linked though - I've scrolled through them but really want to take them in, so will properly read once I've put dd to sleep.

he wanted to meet someone who had 'issues' ergo someone easy to control and abuse

I'm really confused as to how Christianity equals this man's behaviour to you. He's bullshiitting you.

I've read the rest of your thread and I really hope this is a troll as it is just so desperately sad.

He's NOT a good man. Hes NOT a good husband. He's NOT a good father.

If you stay your DD will marry someone just like her father. You don't want that.

Just get the fuck out. Pack some stuff on Monday when he's at work and go to your mums.