Is Dh controlling?

[enchantmentandlove]

I'm unsure if I will even post this, but I just want to write it out.

I've been feeling a bit down recently, so my dm suggested that dd and I could stay with them for a few days. We don't live close to family and I don't drive (am learning), so I don't get to see them much and have been missing them. The plan was for my sister to kindly drive us there and back in a few days.

I've been asking Dh what he thinks of the idea and if he's happy with it as he's been having a hard time at work, but every time I ask he just says he'll think about it. My family have needed an answer, so I perhaps wrongly pretty much said dd and I would be able to come.

Dh and I were talking about it again last night, and I could see he just wasn't happy about it. So I text my sister to tell her unfortunately we couldn't come now, but that Dh thinks we can all come as a family soon anyway. I told Dh but he wanted to look at what I had written. I told him no, it's the principal of not trusting me, I didn't want him to read my messages. That's just not something we do. But he kept pressuring me over and over, asking me lots of questions and making me feel nervous. In the end I let him read the messages (covering what my sister had written, as she had seen through what I'd said and wasn't too happy with dh and I didn't want him reading that).

Dh was upset about what I'd written, when I had only written the reasons he would rather I didn't go with dd. Maybe I shouldn't have written it in that way which I apologised for, but for years I feel I don't always give my family the full impression as I don't want them to be upset with dh, and I didn't want to do that again. Still, I had only written the truth to my sister.

Afterwards I was upset, and explained to Dh I felt he was bullying me into showing my messages which I was unhappy about. I also mentioned that over the years people have often told me that they think he can be controlling of me. He just didn't seem to understand and I just apologised.

Most of the time we genuinely have a wonderful relationship. He builds me up and makes me feel valued, loved and special. He's a fantastic dad to dd. He takes care of us, and is always there for us. But occasionally, things like this happen which I'm just not okay with. I try to speak to Dh, but he's is very clever and I feel I always just feel bad for saying anything.

I guess I'm just wondering what others opinions are in this please. Thank you

Thank you so so much for all of the responses, it's so kind of you all. I haven't had time to read them yet, but hopefully when dd naps later i will be able to properly read each one and respond.

Wow, reading those replies has been really eye-opening. I don't know if Dh felt bad for yesterday, as all day (just left for work ) he's been very affectionate and telling me he loves me. But still doesn't know if he wants me to stay with family.

We are both from pretty different backgrounds. He was brought up in a picture-perfect church going family. I had a difficult childhood at times, but would rather not go into it too much. We met when I was 18 and he seemed to make everything better in my life, and took me along to church etc.

Again I would rather not give too many details, but I see both sides of Dh not getting along with my family at times (particularly dm who is technically step mum). There has been hurt on both sides, and I've always felt like I'm trying to make everyone just get along. I understand why he gets concerned about me spending time with my family, but I love them and any issues are in the past for me. They are just very different and don't understand each other.

I just don't know if I want to feel like this forever. I have never really felt independent from anyone and made to feel I can't do anything alone. I love Dh and respect his opinion, I just feel unable to make decisions in my life at times. Also I'm a sahp, and no real money of my own. Most of the time I'm happy with dh and love our life, but moments like this are really hard.

And to the pp who says it sounds like I get tongue-tied, that is very true. He sometimes questions me over and over like I'm a criminal, and I get nervous and don't know what to say.

To be questioned over and over is not normal, don't allow him to do it, walk away, leave the room, tell him he's already asked and you've already answered as much as you're going to. He sounds like a bully

Also sorry for lots of separate replies - a part of me thinks councelling would be good for me. I have had it in the past and felt it helped. The only issue is I couldn't really afford it, and have dd with me all the time anyway.

You are totally right, I should just leave the room. For some reason that never occurred to me I didn't have to answer if I didn't want to.

So he didn't want you to go but he doesn't want to be the reason (to others) why you don't go so makes you feel bad about it.

I suggest you go.

That's it, when he is the reason so I don't know what else I can say. Things like this do sometimes happen, and I can give the impression something was a joint decision when it wasn't, which don't like doing.

I would love to go, but Dh thinks dd wouldn't like it and miss him too much (one of the 3 or 4 reasons), and I worry that would be true, and don't want her unhappy.

Why wouldn't your daughter like it? Lots of fathers have to work away for a few days/weeks at a time - they all survive

He sounds controlling and abusive.

You don't say what your religion is, so I'd ask if this is condoned in your religious texts ?

I do not know of any religion that would say a young woman cannot go to visit her parents with her young baby . Does yours say that ? Is that written in your holy book ?

What other thing has he stopped you doing and are any of these against your faith ?

Apparently whenever she sees my parents she gets upset, which really isn't true. When she was tiny she was often upset, and just liked to be glued to me. When my parents stayed with us she had a lovely time, she got upset on he last day but that's because she was teething. Most of the day visits they do he's at work, so doesn't see that she always has a lovely time with them.

So sometimes you give the impression that a decision was joint when in fact He overruled you, is that right?

And why did he want you to mislead you sister into thinking that he wasn't stopping you visiting ?

If what he is doing is right and proper then he and you have no reason to lie about it. So that makes me think that you both know it's wrong and you are covering for him to your family.

We are Christians, sorry I have never clarified that.

I just feel like he's distanced me from my family, as says I'm in his family now. I understand I was maybe too close with them in the past which can be unhealthy too, but we are all a very close family (probably closer than his, although his family are lovely I really like them).

So he doesn't want DD to visit her GP because she gets upset. Really ? do you find that plausible?

Or do you think he's making it up because he wants to control you and keep you away from your family ?

I don't really know what he wanted me to say to my sister. A few years ago I had some issues with my mum and he would sit and write messages for me ("I can word it better than you"), but I felt that made things worse so don't let him do that any more.

Can you remind me where it says in the bible that your parents are no longer your family once you marry?

Or that it's right to keep a grandchild away from loving GP?

So he wrote messages on your phone and pretended they were from you ? How is such deception Biblical ?

It's beyond me why you would want another adults approval to visit your family? Yes your husband is controlling - he made you wait and made you feel like you had disobeyed him. None of this is a healthy relationship.

Just to be clear, the normal, non controlling way this would go down is -

• hey, I am planning on going up to visit my mum, cool?
• great, you'll have a lovely time

Anything other than that is just weird.

He agrees that my family are still my family, but I'm in his family now not theirs if that makes sense. And I guess he never saw writing the messages as dishonest as it's "what I wanted to say" but struggled to.

In fairness he has heled me a lot, as things were difficult at home at the time. That is in the past though, and I like to think would never happen now.

OP You need to know that what Paula said it also the norm in Christian homes as well.

How can he possibly word YOUR FEELINGS better than you?

What utter crap.
Yes he's controlling you.

What would happen if you stood up to him?

Paula - I wish that it could be that simple, but it just never has been. I look at friends who have more freedom and wish that could be me sometimes, but Dh says he always has mine and dd's beat interests at heart and always puts us first.

Best interests *

I try to, but always end up feeling bad and apologising.

Sounds like your sister has the measure of him. I'd suggest a good old chat with her.

In the car, on the way to your parents....