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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I am shaking with disbelief

83 replies

user1471473737 · 09/02/2017 21:22

First time poster , long time lurker . My husband has been very quiet the last two days . He finally admitted that he is not feeling us .... Seemingly booking the family holiday really brought this home to him .
We have been married 20 years , have 4 Dc , the youngest is 9 . We have had a really happy marriage or so I thought .... It hasn't been all roses . We have suffered bereavement , job losses and money worries like most people but we have always had each other. We had a nice Christmas or so I thought .
January has been miserable enough , cutting back on rubbish & alcohol free but no major problems . He says there is no one else . He says that it's not my fault but he has a knot in his stomach coming home .
He says that he loves me and doesn't want to feel like this . He is a good father and our lives are about to be destroyed especially the children's
We both work, me only part time and would be comfortable enough .
Of course I am absolutely devastated & feel sick to the pit of my stomach . I am in shock but at the same time I am really angry. Even if we work this out I feel so betrayed by him & he has destroyed 20 years of trust and love .
We had a humdrum life which I appreciate as I have friends whose life's aren't . We have lovely healthy , happy kids, nice home , friends & are healthy . I love him very much even though he can be difficult at times . Our love life is regular enough and we still make each other laugh .
I just can't see where this has come from at all .
I am literally reeling here ... Millions of thoughts are snaking through my head . Only last week we discussed updating the car , why would you do that if this was in the back of your head ?
How will I afford college for the kids , I can't pay the mortgage on my own , my pension is shit as I have job shared for years ....
I have no family only the children and I can't tell friends . Will someone please hold my hand and tell me this will be ok . On the way home from work , my own problem was I had to stop to get milk ,now look at me .

OP posts:
Original poster
user1471473737 · 09/02/2017 21:23

What is going to happen

OP posts:
Stilltryingtobeme · 09/02/2017 21:25

You're going to be fine no matter what. What do you want to happen now?

No advice but happy to hand hold until someone clever comes along!

OnHold · 09/02/2017 21:28

Does he want to leave you?

amysmummy12345 · 09/02/2017 21:28

It's so easy to get stuck in a rut, perhaps there's been someone new at work, with a seemingly more exciting lifestyle that made him reflect on his own life and he's suffering pangs of jealousy? (unnecessarily of course, it could be the old grad is greener adage)?

amysmummy12345 · 09/02/2017 21:28

Grass*

Anothermoomin · 09/02/2017 21:29

He is trying to communicate with you. What could happen is you talk to him.

Do you want him to be honest even if it hurts so you can work on your relationship or would you rather he lied to keep you happy?

User7889 · 09/02/2017 21:29

I don't know what to say but didn't want to run. You will be in complete shock, your mind is reeling, you said you can't talk to friends, can you get home and have a cup of tea? Will he be there, try and stay Caen, but you need him to talk more to you, explain where this has come from, perhaps ask how long he has been feeling like this? What is he thinking he wants to do? I'm sure someone with better advice will be along in a min but for now... what ever his answers you will be fine, you will get through this and your children will be fine too

User7889 · 09/02/2017 21:30

Mid life crisis?

JillyJameson · 09/02/2017 21:37

What do you think is going on OP? Do you think there is an OW?
Because we all have crap times, boring times etc...
Try not to catastrophise about the big picture. For example, college for the kids, he's still their Dad, whatever the outcome he'll still be involved and pitch in financially, you won't have to suddenly do it all by yourself.

I'm really sorry you are going through this and despite the sensible advice I know I'd be thinking the same things as you are!

Be strong, have a cuppa or something stronger and just sit. One hour at a time will do for now.

Heartbroken47 · 09/02/2017 21:43

If he doesn't want to feel like surely he will consider couples counselling? It makes sense to explore all avenues before impacting on the kids.
Does sound mid life crisis like to me.

Original poster
user1471473737 · 09/02/2017 21:44

It has been inferred . He is upstairs in bed but I don't want /can't speak to him ... Strangely I have been having anxiety dreams all week but couldn't figure where they were coming from , maybe my subconscious was telling me .
He was shocked when I told him I wasn't surprised . A colleague at work had a marriage end recently and we were all shocked. I suppose I just extrapolated this to me . I was never an optimist so this was always in the back of my mind in a dark corner . I suppose the only real fear I had of us was he would get ill not leave . It just doesn't make sense ... I had two medical incidences a few months ago and he was marvellous . In bed I was freezing and he rolled tightly around me . He has broken me ...

OP posts:
diddl · 09/02/2017 21:51

He doesn't want to feel like this?

But has done nothing about it other than put it all onto you??

GeorgeTheHamster · 09/02/2017 21:51

Yeah this happened to me. We got back from what STBXH described even to the counsellor we saw twice as a "holiday if a lifetime, of course (he) enjoyed it". And six weeks later he fucked off. Two teenagers, twenty years, no one else involved.

He was unhappy, he wanted his freedom back, now he has a two seater sports car and sees the kids once a week.

You'll get through it. You'll probably have to do all the work though. Put yourself first and for now concentrate on eating and sleeping as best you can.

togetherlikeglue · 09/02/2017 21:52

Hand hold. I'm sure I'd be reeling too. You'll get lots of good advice here but I'm so sorry you're going through this.

MsStricty · 09/02/2017 21:53

He is trying to communicate with you. What could happen is you talk to him.

Do you want him to be honest even if it hurts so you can work on your relationship or would you rather he lied to keep you happy?

This.

It sounds like a midlife crisis, and the only sane way through - whatever it ends up looking like on the other side - is to start talking, and keep on talking. Even when it becomes unbearable.

Flowers
Original poster
user1471473737 · 09/02/2017 21:56

He has said that he gets angry here a lot but never in work .. He is the happy go luck lad there .... We are all sunshine in work because we have to be . Of course you are going to be angry at home , it's difficult living with 5 other people who you are responsible for ..,,
He did suggest counselling but to be honest I don't know if I want to parade my relationship when I think there was nothing wrong .... My friend goes frequently with her husband & says she just doesn't make him happy .
I don't want to live that relationship . I don't want this to limp along upsetting the kids and me . Especially the children .

OP posts:
Oly5 · 09/02/2017 21:58

He's being honest here and o know you're hurt but this could be salvageable. Don't assume it's over.
Talk to him, listen to what he has to say. Suggest counselling. Stay strong

TheEdgeofSeventeen · 09/02/2017 21:59
Oly5 · 09/02/2017 22:00

I've just read your last post. You might not think there's something wrong but HE DoES OP. Instead of belittling how he feels, go to counselling and try to save your marriage

knittingwithnettles · 09/02/2017 22:00

I think he is communicating with you. I don't think he is trying to leave you. He sounds very depressed (Knot of anxiety?)

I think if you give a knee jerk reaction - how can you say this how can you betray our love you are not listening to his dark thoughts, and this is only going to intensify his feelings that things are not right between you.

Disclaimer. I do sometimes tell my husband I feel we are not suited and we would be better off apart. Does that mean I have betrayed him (we have also been married 20 years and have 3 kids). No it means I am feeling sad and anxious and I want to talk through my dark feelings. So we do. I don't do this often but sometimes the feeling that you are misunderstood or something is out of synch can be unbearable. Dh sometimes tells me he feels very gloomy and sad, and I take it in the same way, it is personal but it is about us, not a throwing us away.

Btw I have heard the same from quite a few friends, feelings of hollowness, who is this person, do they even understand me at all, what's the point. I think it is more common than people imagine especially when you have been through traumas together and come through, ironically.

skerrywind · 09/02/2017 22:00

I wouldn't be so sympathetic.

"he is not feeling us .... "

What does that mean exactly?
Maybe he should have thought about this before he got so involved in family life and fathered 4 kids.
It's not something you can change your mind about.

He is being seriously selfish here know the mess this may create if he walks off.

High chance of another woman here, otherwise why knock over a heavy apple cart just because life is a little stale?

LeopardPrintSocks1 · 09/02/2017 22:01

Sounds like another woman to me

skerrywind · 09/02/2017 22:03

Agreed leopard.

Original poster
user1471473737 · 09/02/2017 22:03

Thanks everyone . I really appreciate your insights .

OP posts:
GeorgeTheHamster · 09/02/2017 22:03

Oh yes. It is a midlife crisis. But that doesn't mean he won't fuck off. He'll feel bad about it and be very very apologetic. But that's not a lot of use. He's unhappy, you see. So he must go. And probably not be much happier in his bachelor pad with his new Xbox and all his freedom.

Think it was Joni Mitchell who said that freedom is another word for nothing left to lose.