I am shaking with disbelief

[user1471473737]

First time poster , long time lurker . My husband has been very quiet the last two days . He finally admitted that he is not feeling us .... Seemingly booking the family holiday really brought this home to him .
We have been married 20 years , have 4 Dc , the youngest is 9 . We have had a really happy marriage or so I thought .... It hasn't been all roses . We have suffered bereavement , job losses and money worries like most people but we have always had each other. We had a nice Christmas or so I thought .
January has been miserable enough , cutting back on rubbish & alcohol free but no major problems . He says there is no one else . He says that it's not my fault but he has a knot in his stomach coming home .
He says that he loves me and doesn't want to feel like this . He is a good father and our lives are about to be destroyed especially the children's
We both work, me only part time and would be comfortable enough .
Of course I am absolutely devastated & feel sick to the pit of my stomach . I am in shock but at the same time I am really angry. Even if we work this out I feel so betrayed by him & he has destroyed 20 years of trust and love .
We had a humdrum life which I appreciate as I have friends whose life's aren't . We have lovely healthy , happy kids, nice home , friends & are healthy . I love him very much even though he can be difficult at times . Our love life is regular enough and we still make each other laugh .
I just can't see where this has come from at all .
I am literally reeling here ... Millions of thoughts are snaking through my head . Only last week we discussed updating the car , why would you do that if this was in the back of your head ?
How will I afford college for the kids , I can't pay the mortgage on my own , my pension is shit as I have job shared for years ....
I have no family only the children and I can't tell friends . Will someone please hold my hand and tell me this will be ok . On the way home from work , my own problem was I had to stop to get milk ,now look at me .

it would just be a symptom of a problem with your relationship, not the cause

Disagree - it sometimes is a cause.

It isn't true there's an OW in every relationship breakdown, of course, however, it is true that when the relationship breakdown comes as a complete bolt out of the blue/a shock from nowhere, then it often is the case.

Having said that, this guy says he loves his wife and he wants to try counselling - I would do that OP. Sometimes, I get fed up with family life too, and although I wouldn't say that to DH as a problem he has to clear up, we can all probably understand that occasional urge to escape - if that's what he meant.

but I don't want /can't speak to him .

Whatever is happening you need to communicate. Whethere there is another woman/man or whatever. Ask him if he is depressed. Ask him what he wants to happen ? Time away/separation? What DOES he want? Tell him how you feel.

I don't think the OP meant that she owed it to people on the Internet to go to counselling!

She meant she owed it to herself, her husband and her kids - everyone really "here", not everyone virtually here.

OP - its very unlikely that there's an OW on the scene if he's suggesting counselling. You've spoken a lot about things on the surface being fine, and birthdays and holidays, but it seems as if you've lost intimacy?
You're sounding like you are resisting intimacy - in that you can't talk to him, don't want to try counselling (although you've now said you should try) and generally focussing on shared responsibilities, rather than love.
Counselling is not an end in itself - it's a journey to understanding and rediscovering each other (and yourselves).
So I wonder whether you have been avoiding emotional connection - and he 'isn't feeling' your emotional connection to him?

Thinking of you this evening. Hope you're feeling ok. I'm a few months ahead of you in a horribly similar situation. Couples counselling was helpful. He's stopped coming now and sees his own counsellor. I'm not sure how my situation will end, but would suggest you try counselling as it's less awkward than I had expected. I should have given more thought to what I now see were signs of a mid life crisis and not assumed it's the stuff of fiction. Good luck.

OP when my ex walked out after 20 year marriage and three kids it was for OW, although he repeatedly denied her existence. He said instead that we made each other unhappy, he wasn't 'feeling us' was only happy at work and it was when we were booking a family holiday that he told me he couldn't keep up the pretense and wanted a different life.

It floored me.

I wanted to talk, he minimised, refused to. I wanted counselling, again he refused. He had an OW and a new life waiting in the wings. Your situation may be different, because your H is trying to suggest a way forward. Of course you're hurt and angry but you must, must, must swallow your pride and take his situation seriously. Your marriage will either finish or change. It won't continue as it is. So accept this, and talk to him, respect his feelings, go to counselling.

I would have loved the chance to talk, instead of being dismissed.

There are a couple of things that worry me in your family dynamics: he shouldn't be responsible for five people. Both you and he are responsible for yourselves, and jointly responsible for four kids. Perhaps he feels overwhelmed? And your current anger, you must get past this, accept that he's not happy and deserves to be listened to.

The aftermath of the beakup of a long marriage is devastating, if he wants to prevent breaking up, you must step up and work with him to avoid that, not fixate on anger because he feels the way he does.
Good luck. Start talking. And listening.

OP, it could be both - an OW, or someone he has developed an EA with, which is heading for a full-blown affair, and a desire to pull back from the brink. My H said almost the same things, word for word, as yours. I didn't react in the way that you have, but neither did I recognise the seriousness of the situation we were facing.

He went on to have an affair with a work colleague of both of us; it was like throwing a grenade into our marriage and family life. We are still together, six years on, but the work - and pain - involved to get us to this point has been relentless and frequently agonising. He says now that in the OW he saw 'an opportunity' - he was unhappy in our marriage and like your DH, was no longer 'feeling it', for a variety of both internal and external reasons. And she offered, as such illicit relationships do, an ego boost, validation, a feeling that he was being heard - all the things he felt I no longer provided. But he had tried to tell me, obliquely, and I only heard what I wanted to hear.

So, I reiterate there may well be an OW/potential affair partner in the wings and he is asking to go to counselling because he recognises the danger this poses to your marriage. None of this excuses my H's behaviour or your H's if he is indeed contemplating his options, but please do not dismiss his approach. I also think you would find Shirley Glass's book, Not Just Friends, invaluable as it explains very clearly how relationships become vulnerable to affairs.

for you.

I understand you are in shock but I do agree with PP that I am surprised at your anger. Unless there is an OW lurking in the shadows he hasn't actually done anything wrong has he?

Try to see it from his point of view - if he doesn't love you any more and is really unhappy then this really does have to be addressed. Life is too short. Have you ever fallen out of love with someone? Just not felt it any more? I dunno, you know him best but it seems to me that this is what he is trying to tell you.

It must hurt like hell if you still love him, but it's always the chance you take when you love someone isn't it?

I would definitely go to counselling - there may be a way of salvaging things and of making you both happy going forwards. If not, at least it might help you to part ways more amicably which would be best for both of you and your DC.

Why can't you tell your friends or family? I think you deserve all the RL support you can get