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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I am shaking with disbelief

83 replies

user1471473737 · 09/02/2017 21:22

First time poster , long time lurker . My husband has been very quiet the last two days . He finally admitted that he is not feeling us .... Seemingly booking the family holiday really brought this home to him .
We have been married 20 years , have 4 Dc , the youngest is 9 . We have had a really happy marriage or so I thought .... It hasn't been all roses . We have suffered bereavement , job losses and money worries like most people but we have always had each other. We had a nice Christmas or so I thought .
January has been miserable enough , cutting back on rubbish & alcohol free but no major problems . He says there is no one else . He says that it's not my fault but he has a knot in his stomach coming home .
He says that he loves me and doesn't want to feel like this . He is a good father and our lives are about to be destroyed especially the children's
We both work, me only part time and would be comfortable enough .
Of course I am absolutely devastated & feel sick to the pit of my stomach . I am in shock but at the same time I am really angry. Even if we work this out I feel so betrayed by him & he has destroyed 20 years of trust and love .
We had a humdrum life which I appreciate as I have friends whose life's aren't . We have lovely healthy , happy kids, nice home , friends & are healthy . I love him very much even though he can be difficult at times . Our love life is regular enough and we still make each other laugh .
I just can't see where this has come from at all .
I am literally reeling here ... Millions of thoughts are snaking through my head . Only last week we discussed updating the car , why would you do that if this was in the back of your head ?
How will I afford college for the kids , I can't pay the mortgage on my own , my pension is shit as I have job shared for years ....
I have no family only the children and I can't tell friends . Will someone please hold my hand and tell me this will be ok . On the way home from work , my own problem was I had to stop to get milk ,now look at me .

OP posts:

witchywoohoo · 09/02/2017 22:56

^Have a look at his phone when you can. yes it's snooping, but in this case I think it's more than justified - especially when you're marriage is at stake.
At least it will show if there is a OW.
You will know exactly what you're dealing with^

Please don't do this. As far as you know he has been honest with you about his feelings. Give him the benefit of the doubt and wait this out for a bit. Don't start to invade his privacy - once trust is gone it is very hard to get back again.

bumsexatthebingo · 09/02/2017 22:59

I think you're getting a hard time here op. I have been married nearly as long as you and I wouldn't want counselling in your situation. Even if my dh decided to stay I wouldn't want to go on feeling like he was doing me some kind of favour.
You have every right to feel angry and betrayed op. He says he loves you but isn't 'feeling it'. What exactly is he expecting to feel after 20 years of marriage? Like an excited teenager?

OhBlissOhJoy · 09/02/2017 23:07

User, it may be another woman, it may not. But he is not happy and you need to work together to find out if you can get things working again in a way that works for both of you.
My STBXH told me a couple of times he wasn't happy and I didn't listen to him. 5 months ago he left me for another woman.
I didn't think I would get through it, I was absolutely devastated. But I did. And if the worse happens you will too.

pineapplesplit · 09/02/2017 23:07

He sounds very unhappy and i know its a massive shock and must be very painful but try and get round your anger because it wont help the situation. There obviously is something going wrong because hes unhappy and his feelings are valid even if you find them insulting and painful. Your anger and insistence that his feelings are not justified will not make them go away.
I do think you should go to counselling together. Try and not be defensive even though it must be so painful and seems like an insult. You want to get to the bottom of why he is thinking these things. Denying that he should be wont solve anything.
I mean obviously you are under no obligation to try, you could just tell him to eff off and go your separate ways, but i think if you actually want to give sorting it out a go you will have to try and not react to his unhappiness with outrage.
I dont think this points to another woman. Of course theres the possibility it might but theres no indication of that. It sounds more like he is depressed for some reason in which case just hearing him out with sympathy may do a whole lot of good. It is very hard to do that especially as you will have sufferred through the hard times the same as he has and yet have not reacted like this. However if you love him and you want to stay together id say try your best to find compassion for him if depression is what is going on.

LittlePaintBox · 09/02/2017 23:11

If he's suggested counselling, go to counselling. Then at least you stand some chance of understanding what's going on in his head. But if you both want to stay together, it can give you a basis to move on, because it's going to be impossible to return to what was 'normal' the way you're feeling now.

He does sound as if he could be suffering from depression/anxiety from what you've described.

DistanceCall · 09/02/2017 23:29

You're disregarding his feelings. Not surprised he's unhappy.

InTheMoodForLove · 10/02/2017 00:15

this >>>Please don't do this. As far as you know he has been honest with you about his feelings. Give him the benefit of the doubt and wait this out for a bit. Don't start to invade his privacy - once trust is gone it is very hard to get back again.

MrsPeelyWaly · 10/02/2017 00:29

I wouldn't necessarily look at him suggesting counselling as being a good sign, just that he could be suggesting it because its the modern day done thing to suggest. I would still go along with it though even if its just to say to myself further down the line - he suggested it and I went.

AcrossthePond55 · 10/02/2017 02:09

I will of course go to counselling . I owe everyone here that much

My dear, you don't owe anyone on this thread, including me, jack shit. But I do think you owe it to yourself to give it a sincere try. You have nothing to lose and everything to gain.

Want2bSupermum · 10/02/2017 02:47

You owe it to your marriage to go to marriage therapy.

You talk about how you are happy with your life. You work PT and see the positives of what you have. What I don't see is you taking into consideration where your DH is at. Having four kids is a lot of responsibility and struggling with money is very stressful. Some people are ok with it while it grinds other people down. It is very good of him to try and tell you where he is at and to offer to go and get help. Other men would just leave.

Please listen to him. Let him talk and go see a therapist.

Atenco · 10/02/2017 02:56

Re. counselling. A very good friend of mine told me that the first two sessions are you and your husband checking to see if the counsellor is a good fit for you and vice versa. Don't feel you have to stick with the first counsellor you go to.

Italiangreyhound · 10/02/2017 03:09

user1471473737 I am so sorry to read this. I really think you should go for the counselling and enter it with an open mind. He is unhappy and he has now made you unhappy. It is very sad but a skilled counsellor may be able to help you both.

I immediately thought mid-life crisis. There are many ways he could tackle this, new hobby, new interests, new fitness regime etc. It doesn't need to be the cliqued fast car or new woman.

I know it sounds silly and maybe your confidence and pride are hurt (which I totally get) but please fight for your marriage, do whatever is needed now (within reason, of course ). If it does not work out, there will be life after this but for now, it does sound like he is crying out to you. I actually see him as quite vulnerable. I am normally a raging feminist and almost always take the woman's view! But I just feel he is hurting and even if you do not understand it, it is real for him.

Lastly, it suddenly dawned on my mild-mannered husband that by the time the kids are grown up we would be almost at retirement age! I think this realization rather knocked him for six. He loves running and marathons and so he decided to do more. He is not into the pub or chatting over coffee with mates. So for years I went out to see friends at the pub, and out for coffee and dh didn't socialize much. Now he is making an effort to do what he wants more, which means I am sometimes left at home with the kids of a Sunday so he can do a mega long run. I think finding things that give his life more meaning outside of our marriage and our kids, has helped him. I have no idea if this is relevant to your marriage at all, I just wanted to share it with you.

ghostwatch · 10/02/2017 03:33

I would echo counselling it would be worth while even if things don't work out. I went through something similar a few years back after a big holiday also I believe this was part of a midlife crisis. I chucked him out for being a complete arse. 16 months later I found out it had been an affair that started 4 months before we split and I was dumb founded as I had NO idea and this does sound similar to your situation. We was working on getting back together. Even the healthiest of couples can not get back on track without counselling. Ours was not healthy I now see so instead I had my own counselling and CBT. I wish you the very best.

Molly333 · 10/02/2017 06:51

I bet someone else is there in the back ground I'm afraid

NewView · 10/02/2017 07:02

I am still hurt because my STBXH refused to go to counseling as he " thought things were fine" and " didn't think we needed to". You say you still love him- if all the things he has said in your first post are true then you should be able to save this. You need to start listening to him- if he has got to the point where he is coming home with a knot in his stomach every night and wants to go to counseling he is feeling desperate.

DownTownAbbey · 10/02/2017 07:28

As you had no clue things weren't going well I would expect a midlife crisis with a side order of flirting or cheating. I'm happy to be wrong but have seen it so many times.

Shayelle · 10/02/2017 07:34

You dont sound like you have much empathy for him op? Are you quite controlling. Why do you think he has a knot of anxiety?

TheNaze73 · 10/02/2017 07:41

Totally disagree there's automatically an OW.bThis utter bollocks about OM/OW gets pedalled out every single a partner has the audacity to communicate that they're unhappy.
In a crude round about way, I think he's reaching out to you, to try to save your marriage. What he said to you would've been the last thing a man, who was playing away or intending to play away would have said. I think counselling would be a brilliant idea & maybe to get a sitter & have an evening out as wife & husband to eat, drink & talk things through. One quite telling thing you said is "our love life is regular enough". Are you speaking for yourself, him or both of you?? Sex & money are the two biggest deal breakers for relationships, so that by the law of averages, must be your starting point. Good luck & I hope it all works out

alvinp · 10/02/2017 07:41

He hasn't said he wants to leave, he's said he wants to talk. You don't appear willing to listen to that and in fact you seem angry at him for trying to talk to you about his feelings. At this point a counsellor is the right thing to do, to help you both work out how to communicate with each other.

Being married is about commitment and at times you may need to work hard at it. It sounds like he wants both of you to work at it.

It doesn't sound like the Script to me, so take the olive branch and talk.

picklemepopcorn · 10/02/2017 07:43

Can you move beyond the personal hurt and wonder how to help him feel better? I'd be upset if I suggested counselling and DH didn't want to go.
Show him you care that he is hurting, that you are hurting too, and that you want to get better together. He might need a trip to the GP, and individual counselling to help him understand how he feels as well as couple counselling to help you put things back together.

Blackbird82 · 10/02/2017 07:55

Why are you so reluctant to go for counselling?

If you're worried that there is someone else, just ask him straight. Ask him to be truthful and that you do not wish to be dragged through the counselling process only to find out there is another woman further down the line and his intention was to leave all along.

However, if you are confident there isn't anyone else then I would urge you to try therapy. You are hardly parading your relationship around. It's about being in a neutral safe space in which to discuss your feelings

Fighterofthenightman · 10/02/2017 08:08

I don't know why your response to him saying he's unhappy is anger.

ShatnersWig · 10/02/2017 08:19

Thing is, OP, right in your original post you say that you have a "humdrum" life. Sounds to me like you've both got into a rut and your husband has recognised this and is desperately unhappy while you haven't recognised it and are presumably content with your humdrum life and part time job. Your concern comes over very much about you, a bit about your children, very little about him other than anger. Anger for being honest.

It could be a mid life crisis. It could be someone else. Point is he is unhappy. He has suggested counselling. Your first response to that was absolutely not, your second response was to do it because you owe it to us posters? Seriously?

I don't know if things can be salvaged. But if my partner was expressing himself as deeply unhappy about marriage and asked about counselling, I'd damn well give it a go and see it as a wake-up call. If it doesn't work, it doesn't work, but if the marriage fails you can say you tried.

HarmlessChap · 10/02/2017 11:15

It is bound to be a shock but I can not see how being so adversarial is going to help anyone.

He fact that he doesn't feel happy in the relationship, in the same as you do, should be the trigger to try and see what you can do collectively to make the relationship work for both of you but instead you are simply livid that he doesn't feel the same way as you do.

Do you think that he should just put up, shut up and pretend if he's not happy, rather than disrupting your and your children's lives like this, because I'm afraid that is no way to live.

I think you need to reign in the anger and talk, they won't be easy discussions but you both need to be honest and listen to each other if you are going to find a way through this.

NotMyPenguin · 10/02/2017 13:09

I am not sure how much it matters whether there is an OW. Even if there were, it would just be a symptom of a problem with your relationship, not the cause. And it's not always the case that there is somebody else.

OP, the fact that your DH has shared all this with you and has suggested counselling just goes to show that he still wants to share things with you and work on the relationship with you. I know you may feel it's silly and that everything's ok, but this is a clear sign that it isn't, and you do need to listen to him and find out what's wrong if you're going to be able to work together to fix it.

Maybe you could explore more what he means about having a knot in his stomach about coming home. This may not just be about you, but about his core values and what he wants from life, work, love, home, family, feelings, experiences. Perhaps he is depressed. Perhaps he is questioning how his life compares with what he would ideally want from it. These may well be things that you can explore together. But you do have to be willing to listen and explore.

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