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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

I am shaking with disbelief

83 replies

user1471473737 · 09/02/2017 21:22

First time poster , long time lurker . My husband has been very quiet the last two days . He finally admitted that he is not feeling us .... Seemingly booking the family holiday really brought this home to him .
We have been married 20 years , have 4 Dc , the youngest is 9 . We have had a really happy marriage or so I thought .... It hasn't been all roses . We have suffered bereavement , job losses and money worries like most people but we have always had each other. We had a nice Christmas or so I thought .
January has been miserable enough , cutting back on rubbish & alcohol free but no major problems . He says there is no one else . He says that it's not my fault but he has a knot in his stomach coming home .
He says that he loves me and doesn't want to feel like this . He is a good father and our lives are about to be destroyed especially the children's
We both work, me only part time and would be comfortable enough .
Of course I am absolutely devastated & feel sick to the pit of my stomach . I am in shock but at the same time I am really angry. Even if we work this out I feel so betrayed by him & he has destroyed 20 years of trust and love .
We had a humdrum life which I appreciate as I have friends whose life's aren't . We have lovely healthy , happy kids, nice home , friends & are healthy . I love him very much even though he can be difficult at times . Our love life is regular enough and we still make each other laugh .
I just can't see where this has come from at all .
I am literally reeling here ... Millions of thoughts are snaking through my head . Only last week we discussed updating the car , why would you do that if this was in the back of your head ?
How will I afford college for the kids , I can't pay the mortgage on my own , my pension is shit as I have job shared for years ....
I have no family only the children and I can't tell friends . Will someone please hold my hand and tell me this will be ok . On the way home from work , my own problem was I had to stop to get milk ,now look at me .

OP posts:

Report

GeorgeTheHamster · 09/02/2017 22:05

MN was convinced my H had another woman. He didn't.

Butterymuffin · 09/02/2017 22:10

I would also be suspicious of another woman except that him suggesting counselling doesn't quite go with that. I would take up the counselling idea. At the very least then you have more chance to hear about why he feels this way and where it's come from. He sounds very vague about all this. What is he saying he thinks should happen now?

peggyundercrackers · 09/02/2017 22:15

He wants to go to therapy, you think there is nothing wrong with your relationship. There's the issue right there - doesn't sound like you listen to him...

HarryPottersMagicWand · 09/02/2017 22:17

Why does it always mean OW. I'd love to have this amazing insight that MNetters seem to have.

I'd go to counselling OP. He is communicating with you which is a good thing. My marriage isn't the best, I'm sure DH would say it's fine but we never ever discuss our issues, everytning gets swept under the carpet so I'd see his honesty as something to be worked on.

Has he actually said he wants to leave? I haven't seen you say that at all. It doesn't sound like he does if he wants to go to counselling.

GabsAlot · 09/02/2017 22:18

sorry hes telling u how he feels and wants ot go to counselling u dont see the point

he wants to try and fix it youre just annoyed with his feelings at least try

why do men get all the grief-if this was reverse everyone would be poor u u cant stay in a marriage when u dont feel right anymore

user1471473737 · 09/02/2017 22:18

I would never discount another woman , I am not naive and have read too many of these threads . I suppose I should listen to his dark thoughts but it is difficult when it involve destroying our lives . My tough side is shouting boohoo we all wish that we could hide under a rock sometimes but you just have to keep on. He says that he has gotten the not feeling it vibe before but it usually passes after a day or two but hasn't this time .
We nearly spilt up once before we had children and he said we shouldn't of reunited that time . He persuaded me to have the 4th child as she wasn't planned ... Saying we would get through this .... I have put on a bit of weight but he says I still finds me attractive ( he has too) . See here I am second guessing everything in my life now ... I haven't cried yet as what's the fucking point ... Just shaking and cold .

OP posts:

AcrossthePond55 · 09/02/2017 22:18

He did suggest counselling but to be honest I don't know if I want to parade my relationship when I think there was nothing wrong

But in a marriage it's not all about whether or not one partner think there's something wrong, is it? It's about both people trying to save the marriage. Look, if the positions were reversed, if you were the one 'not feeling it' and you suggested counseling how would you feel if he said he didn't want to go because he didn't think anything was wrong? It sounds to me as if he wants to try and all he's doing is asking you to meet him halfway.

SuperFlyHigh · 09/02/2017 22:20

Agreed with peggy it sounds like he's frustrated that he can't speak to you through the medium of counselling and that's where the "not feeling you" comes from.

I'd at the very least go to counselling with him and take on board his concerns for this marriage.

SuperFlyHigh · 09/02/2017 22:22

OP, I hate to say this but from your last post you don't seem very understanding re his being down sides (of life I mean), depression etc...

Didn't you marry him "in sickness and in health"?

MarkRuffaloCrumble · 09/02/2017 22:23

It's not amazing insight it's years of experience - how many times do we see the script played out on here. I'd be suspicious of another woman just because it's so common, but either way OP you need to talk to him. Being a lone parent isn't so bad - my DCs are 10-16 and we're all happy and settled. It seemed like the end of the world at the time but we all adapt and things don't turn out as bleakly as you might imagine.

TBH from your description of your life together I'm not sensing much joy, so maybe he is doing you a favour by shaking things up - you'll either talk it through (with or without a counsellor) and work things out or go your separate ways and have the chance to find happiness in your own ways. Good luck.

OnionKnight · 09/02/2017 22:25

Given your last post, I'm not surprised that he's not happy.

You need to communicate.

Mamia15 · 09/02/2017 22:27

I wonder if the knot he has is down to guilt.

Has he mentioned anyone recently? Been secretive with phone/laptop?

It might not be a specific woman - it could be that he's had his head turned, feeling that the grass is greener on other side etc.

You both have a lot of shared history and a family - its a lot to walk away from on account if feeling things are not quite what he wants.

Just because he suggested counselling, it doesn't mean he wants to fix things - he might want to look like the good guy. By all means let him go to counselling and you can join him when you're ready.

The quickest way to bring this to a head is to tell him he can go now and to give you both space. This might bring him to his senses.

user1471473737 · 09/02/2017 22:28

I have heard his phone buzz twice upstairs ... Maybe innocent .... Hmm . I will of course go to counselling . I owe everyone here that much ... Maybe he is suggesting it so he can look better when he finally fucks off or am I being cynical ?? Remember I know him so well ... We were away for our anniversary , had a very nice time .... We recently renovated the house , spent a massive chunk ... Talked about downsizing when the kids go .... He bought me the best birthday present six months ago .... I love him & hate him at this very moment in time .

OP posts:

BiscuitMillionaire · 09/02/2017 22:29

He's not saying it's definitely over if he's suggesting counselling, is he? I think he's trying to be honest with you. Possibly he's depressed. Possibly he's just self-centred. You can go to the counsellor and say, I thought our relationship was strong, this has been a bolt from the blue, and I feel reluctant to discuss our personal issues. That could be a starting point.

witchywoohoo · 09/02/2017 22:29

Instead of second guessing everything do the counselling. You might discover some really important truths about yourself, about him and about your relationship. I know it's near impossible but try to tackle this with kindness and respect for one another and not with incriminations and blame - they will just make you feel worse, and it's those behaviours which will devastate the children - not necessarily any separation that might (or might not) happen. Take care of yourself.

crunched · 09/02/2017 22:29

i saw this happen to three couples all married around twenty years. I'm convinced it is the mid-life crisis/ "what's it all for?" kicking in.In one case it was at the instigation of the wife. In one case OW was involved.
Each couple went for counselling, two are together approx. 7 years later and, IME ( maybe not worth much?), have much happier relationships than before the marriage crisis.
If you want the marriage to continue OP, then respect DH wishes to attend couples counselling.
Hope you can get to a good place

Dappledsunlight · 09/02/2017 22:29

Knitting, really wise words there for OP IMO. It's true that so many long term relationships endure so many serious issues and people are bound to wonder at times who this other person is. But it's often a sign we're reviewing our lives and it's so easy conclude the other person is the reason for our boredom, sadness, feelings of emptiness, whatever....

Sometimes, our OH is a reminder to us of who we are like a mirror held up to us constantly and sometimes we want to run away from that reflection so we look to escape and some may look for it in other relationships for example. Maybe your Dh is going through such a crisis, a soul searching and needs your support to find his way back to you. I can understand your shock, hurt and anger, but take some time to try and get beyond these feelings if you can and keep the lines of communication open with him. Let him express his fears to you - maybe he's bored with himself (as we all get at times), maybe he has fears he can't express. This sounds salvageable because you've got a strong bond. Good luck.

CherryBlossomPink · 09/02/2017 22:31

I had similar after 17 years together - he swore there was nobody else, but less than 6 months later he's "found someone else " - the woman I had my suspicions about all along. I sincerely wish you well, but don't discount the likelihood he has someone else in the wings - most men don't leave a marriage without someone else lined up.

Thattimeofyearagain · 09/02/2017 22:33

Breathe. Take it a moment at a time. Your in shock.

Morphene · 09/02/2017 22:34

I would think about him getting individual counselling first maybe. It does sound very mid life crisis to me, and if he can work out what part of his expectations of his life aren't being met anymore it will be very helpful. It probably is work, even though he says he's happy there. Nobody keeps getting better forever, everybody peaks sooner or later and suddenly realises their best is behind them. Its horrible but much much easier once you realise the universality of the experience. Maybe counselling can get him past the hump.

whatsthepointofmorgan · 09/02/2017 22:36

I sincerely wish you well, but don't discount the likelihood he has someone else in the wings - most men don't leave a marriage without someone else lined up.

Have a look at his phone when you can. yes it's snooping, but in this case I think it's more than justified - especially when you're marriage is at stake.
At least it will show if there is a OW.
You will know exactly what you're dealing with.

Jux · 09/02/2017 22:36

Please go to counselling with him.

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helpfulperson · 09/02/2017 22:40

You mentioned in an earlier post that he was 'responsible for 5 people' suggesting you see him as responsible for you as well as the children. Surely only you are responsible for you - maybe he is finding the pressure too much.

Can only echo what others have said - talk and keep talking until either it is resolved or you separate. If you want to stay together it doesn't sound like all is lost.

firsttimeoptimist · 09/02/2017 22:42

I dont think you can assume another woman.
Just talk to each other and go to counselling if you think that will help him to open up.
It is hard to discuss with a partner subjects that risk a relationship with a person that you love so please listen and dont just hit back (as instinct encourages). I hope you can work through this.

Member869894 · 09/02/2017 22:55

I'm sorry you're going through this. I would check to see if there is someone else because it sounds as though there is.

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