It's taken me 5 years but want to leave tonight. Still not sure I can do it.

[Rennie23]

5 years ago I posted about my shouty DH, never having heard of the words EA.
Since then I've discovered my H is a narcissist and I've even been to psychotherapy to get my head round things.
I've been thinking about leaving for nearly 5 years but just don't seem to be able to pluck up the courage. I keep thinking his behaviour isn't bad enough.
At last I'm in an ideal position to go, my best friend is working abroad for a year and has said I can use her house, fully furnished etc
I have enough money to keep myself going for a bit too.
But and this is always the big but, I get to the point where I think I'll go then I just can't (sounds pathetic), I'm not brave enough.
I've been married 25 years and I know my DC have been affected by H horrible behaviour.
I had an awful w/e with him but of course today he's being OK.
Can someone give me the shove I need. I'm thinking of telling him I'm off when he gets home at 8pm tonight, but keep changing my mind.
The spanner in the works is that we work together and he can't manage the business without me (totally disorganised, even though he thinks he's the best thing since sliced bread).

This was me 2 1/2 years ago. It's only taken you 5 years to get to this stage, it took me 10.

When I was considering it, someone likened it to standing on the edge of a diving board, you are terrified to jump off but once you do you are exhilarated and realise that the fear of jumping was worse than jumping in reality.

Come and join us...the water is lovely when you are swimming free!

You are so very brave to get this far
Your children are adults. They will be fine.
Your spanner is minimal compared to other peoples sack of tools
You have a perfect escape pad

WELL DONE KEEP GOING YOU CAN DO IT!!

Rennie: here is my situation doesn't explain everything, but he is a bully and a EA'er. We have been together 21 years since I was 17. 2 DS's. I have been unhappy for about 3 years now, it started when he told me to drop dead of cancer in public. Plus he has spat at me, called me a cunt in front of my kids, put his hands around my throat. Recently he was "better" but still criticising me every day and I got to the point where I am now anxious and my mental health is suffering. I love him dearly, still do despite everything but I am miserable.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2826858-Keeping-up-the-pretence

About a year ago my eyes were opened, I started to tell people and I got support in RL. I do not deserve to live like this.

Here is a good article about making a move: www.huffingtonpost.com/alison-patton/why-we-have-to-jump-and-e_b_1168596.html

My friend shared it with me and simply said, don't be the frog and boil to death, leave while you are not too broken to do so.

Good luck.

And the feeling sorry for him is a classic feeling when you are trying to leave. You are NOT responsible for him. He is an ADULT. You need to think about you.

An aunt is married to someone like this. They've been together 40+ years.

She has ongoing health issues that he has ignored, even though she needs energency hospital admission sometimes. Thankfully they have an adult DC who is very supportive of her.

40+ years of unhappiness...

This is already affecting your children as you've already said and not in a positive way! They're adults now and have seen what you've seen and felt what you've felt. They need to see you take control of your life xxx

However compared with other EA men he isn't too bad...he looks like a lost soul

OP, it's not a competition where only the woman with the most abusive husband is allowed to leave him. Plus this is exactly how emotionally abusive men behave...gaslighting, making you feel you're being over-sensitive, playing the little boy lost routine.

Ultimately the choice is a lot more simple. You have one life. Do you want to spend any more of it with him or do you want to have a break from the last 25 years and see what else life offers (some of it will be better, some will be harder)?

Also, in terms of what he'll say to your children...perhaps nip that in the bud by contacting them first (I.e. The first thing you do after telling DH) and very simply explaining that after 25 years you need a break to see how you feel about your marriage. No blame. No acrimony. You appreciate it may be upsetting for them but hope they can understand now they themselves are adults and making their own relationships.

Try to harden yourself to his mopey long face. My x used to do that too.

They train you to sublimate all of your own needs. YOu have been trained to feel his feelings, not your own. Get angry about that.

wrt what to say to your kids, I said to mine that everybody is entitled to leave a relationship that makes them unhappy. I want them to know that.

Pudding- how you describe your life in your previous thread. is my life exactly.
I'm reading responses between ferrying boxes from my home to my friends.
Each time I come back I have more and more doubts. Maybe I should just leave the boxes at my friends house and leave during a particularly awful episode?
He wants to go on holiday soon but I can think of nothing worse as he gets so stressed and I don't want to have to listen to him going on about himself all the time. I won't be able to get away from him, which at least I can do at home.
My DCs will be so upset, I think I'll find that the hardest to cope with.

My FIL is like this - they have been together over 60 years. MIL has now got a progressive degenerative disease, possibly in some (or much) part to the constant anxiety of living with him. He does the mopey long face if she tries to do anything for herself, and he actually made it All About Him when he behaved hugely badly and she ended up in hospital for 6 weeks, and finally managed to come home and needed looking after (he didnt look after her BTW)
Leave now or this is your future - trapped with a miserable bastard who made you ill, and begrudges you the nurses attention

Good advice though Zoe. I will tell the DCs about having a break in the marriage.

My advice would be to be out before he comes home. If faced with him there's a real chance he will guilt-trip you into staying. You could always call him from where you are and say you need a few days to yourself, or leave a note (that's what I did BTW, it was awful but not as awful as it would have been telling him in person).

Stay strong. You deserve a better life.

Believe it or not he really won't understand why I'm going

He doesn't have to understand. That's not your problem.

Tell him I'm leaving because I am not happy . That's all. It's enough.

Good luck

Nothing to add op but good luck and also wonder how many illnesses have their seeds down in a lifetime of misery
Makes you think doesn't it
I was married to someone very similar
Very subtle but it wears away at you .
Like walking on eggshells you never know what's coming through the door
They are energy feeders feeding on our energy
He was always happy when he was creating a drama
I don't need that or have that with second dh and it's bliss

Would it help to see if you can find your post from 5 years ago? It might just show you how things haven't improved/have deteriorated further so you know in another 5 years, if you stay, you'd be in the same boat.

Good luck. Stay strong, your dc's will understand, they know what he's like.
They're grown up and their priority is themselves, just as yours should be.

When my mum finally left my dad my first words were 'Thank god for that!'

Remember you don't need his permission to leave. You don't need him to understand, agree with your reasons or anything else.

Rennie, this is your golden opportunity, do not let it pass you by, your children will understand, and possibly champion you.
Please go, look on it as a trial, if you must.
You do not need to explain yourself to your husband, nor must you try, he'll only manipulate you, with anger, sorry stories, or tears.
Pack your car, tell him you'll see him at work.
You cannot live like this any longer, you've done your time.
Just go, leave a note if you must, text him, message him, but go ....
We'll be here to catch you, should you fall ! 🙋🏼🌺⭐️

"DEarest heart there are times when you're incredibly difficult to live with so I have decided to take a break for a little while. BF is working abroad and I am going to borrow her house for a while. I'm sure we'll both benefit from this."

Was in same boat as you ...been with him over 20 years...in my mind there was never a good time....you worry about the 'fallout' with your children...the abuse you'll get from him...and the families....BUT at the end of the day can you see yourself in 5 years time going through the same shit...you have a perfect opportunity to just even 'take a break' and see what happens....it won't be easy....there will be days when you think 'what have I done?' but if he won't change ...what's the point...life's too short!

Thing is, sinking boats must be left. Your new boat is a small swim away. It has much of your stuff on it too. Are you imagining yourself living at your friends' house and making it home for awhile? Imagining how unstressed you'll feel once the dust settles? Imagining how YOU might reappear from a life that drains you of joy?

From what you've said I don't think dc are going to be upset, except maybe in practical terms. Making new waves is kind of a disturbance but exciting too?

and ask yourself, why does his long face and unhappiness trump your long face and unhappiness?

You can learn to not care that he doesnt understand why you left.

Just bring the bare minumum with u. Leave anything of sentimentak value with a friend.

Don5 let possessions keep u there

You are all making so much sense, I know I have to be strong and go.
Only an hour or two before he gets home.
I'll have to stay and say something as I will be with him in work tomorrow and it's just the 2 of us. I wish I didn't have to work with him.
I will think about your words of wisdom and hopefully manage to be brave enough to walk out of the door.

He hasn't listened to you for years, he's not going to now. No real need to talk to him. Leave him a note saying you've had enough, there will be no more attempts, it is over.
He may find he has all sorts of reserves and abilities now he can't outsource all the things he doesn't fancy onto you. You may find inner strength and reserve that he has been siphoning off you for more years than you can remember.

I am the daughter of a woman like him. If DF had said he was off, I'd have asked 'what took you so long?'

Hi, OP. My father was very like your husband sounds. DM didn't leave, unfortunately. They bickered throughout my childhood and beyond. Towards the end, before he died, it was almost as if they couldn't control themselves and bickered wherever they felt like it. DM has lived only half the life she should have and my father made so many special days unhappy, in particular, I remember, every Mothering Sunday.

Your DC will cheer when you leave. One DB is kind of resentful that my mother didn't leave my father. He was upset at my father's funeral about all the missed opportunities and ruined special occasions.