It's taken me 5 years but want to leave tonight. Still not sure I can do it.

[Rennie23]

5 years ago I posted about my shouty DH, never having heard of the words EA.
Since then I've discovered my H is a narcissist and I've even been to psychotherapy to get my head round things.
I've been thinking about leaving for nearly 5 years but just don't seem to be able to pluck up the courage. I keep thinking his behaviour isn't bad enough.
At last I'm in an ideal position to go, my best friend is working abroad for a year and has said I can use her house, fully furnished etc
I have enough money to keep myself going for a bit too.
But and this is always the big but, I get to the point where I think I'll go then I just can't (sounds pathetic), I'm not brave enough.
I've been married 25 years and I know my DC have been affected by H horrible behaviour.
I had an awful w/e with him but of course today he's being OK.
Can someone give me the shove I need. I'm thinking of telling him I'm off when he gets home at 8pm tonight, but keep changing my mind.
The spanner in the works is that we work together and he can't manage the business without me (totally disorganised, even though he thinks he's the best thing since sliced bread).

pudding 21 I just read your other thread and I have so many similarities. I think I let DP get away with the pick picking at me because I know he's low in self confidence as I'm the breadwinner (tho he does work) and to be honest I'm strong enough not to be too bothered.
I just came back to this thread and I read hands around your throat. My DP did this before Christmas. It's the first time he's ever touched me in anger. I think we were dead before then, and I went to the police (he doesn't know) to get it documented but I do love him and he's my best friend when he's not being a nob. Something said upthread about 'I don't want to grow old with you' isn't true for me - I desperately do, but he needs to stop how he treats me 25% of the time.
Watching this thread with loads of interest

Be strong Lovely, it's only once to do, you can do this, you really can !

Because they just berate you for whatever they feel drove them to belittle you. So you go round in circles.

So true.

Good luck Rennie23. I am in a similar position to you, and scared as hell.

How are you doing Rennie?

Rennie: how are you this morning, anything happen last night?

arsenalwatford : yep, sounds like we are in a similar position, its like textbook. I always used to ignore the belittling and excused it but its like chinese water torture and got to the point where for my own good I had to challenge it. But believe me I let a lot go. There is so much more to the story too. I told him I always pictured us growing old together, I didn't have children with him to split up and that is the truth. He see me as an alpha female which I am certainly not. He sees that as a negative thing. Anyway, right stuff down now, keep a record, because of our personality types we smooth things over to make things easier, and we forget. They forget. But it isn't right. I don't have to walk on eggshells in my own home, I don't have to feel responsible for everything shit that happens, I don't have to feel uncomfortable in my own home. I hope things improve for you.

Hi Rennie, I hope you made it, but we're all still here for you, if you didn't. 🌺

I couldn't do it last night.
But told him at work this morning. He's very upset, sent me a text to say he's been depressed for a long time....
I'm at my friends house. I'm feeling very low. I feel really mean as he looks so pathetic.
I've not even told the DC yet. They've all got big things on this week and I know they'll take it very badly so am waiting until Friday.
I can't see me lasting to be honest as I've got a feeling I was better off where I was. At least I know he's a narc and I don't let his words get to me. It's my DC I feel I should protect though.

Go right out now and do something nice that you would dread doing with him, and revel in how fantastic freedom feels. Looking pathetic is just part of his act - he feels sorry for himself, not sorry for the misery and humiliation he's inflicted on you. Keep posting here.

One day at a time.
If he's depressed this could be a chance for you both to be happy. He could address it with this space. Or it could be a convenient excuse.
How old are your dc? You can't continue to suffer at their father's hands just to keep their world steady. It's still reinforcing their world view that this is how parents behave.
Plan something now for today and tomorrow. What haven't you eaten, drink or done for ages? If you think this is temporary, crack on with living a bit while you can. You might like it...
Don't fgs sit around feeling guilty.

If he's depressed he needs to go to the doctors and get help.

Surely your DC will support you if they have seen already what he is like?

Can you tell DH that you are sorry he is depressed but going to the doctor and getting professional help is where he needs to start. You are not going to cure his depression - only professional help will do that.

Also ask yourself why he hasn't mentioned he is depressed before now? It's because he wants you back under his control.

It sounds like a horrible situation to be in. Sending you and strength.

Your DC are fine. They know what he is like. Why don't you talk to them, sound them out? Emphasise that you don't want them taking on the role of his crutch.

He has had a long time to sort things out, you mention he thinks he knows best and is brilliant at everything. You've supported him for a lot of years, and let him live the way he wants.

Isn't it your turn now?

Hi OP.

💐💐💐for you. And then 🛋️🛀.

I did what you did last January, and it is as if my life has started again at 41.

DO NOT GO BACK JUST YET - this is a temporary break to see how you feel, so you need to give it long enough to feel it!

Your H will need a couple of days to reset himself if he is to be different (see doc, tidy house, do a big shop, change the duvet, buy flowers, think about himself, SAY SORRY) so it is unfair of you not to give him time to do this.

Think of it as rebooting the laptop - it's a faulty marriage - turn it off, WAIT A BIT then if you want to turn it back on again you can see if it will work FOR YOU.

Thank you!
I've no wifi and friends house so just posting when I can.
I am so wobbly and keep thinking it's not been that bad now.

Go and buy yourself a payg dongle from Vodafone or whatever phone shops you have nearby. You need to be able to read your old threads!

Well done Rennie. Its the first step. Don't beat yourself up if you flounder or change your mind. Just keep trying to keep clear in your mind why you want to do this. You children will be fine, they have a caring and considerate mother who wants the best for herself and them.

Keep posting and getting support in real life.

Well done

You've wanted to leave for 5 years, Rennie so I think you can trust yourself that it WAS that bad. Now that you're safe and out of reach your adrenaline has calmed down and you're almost minimising the past because, right this moment, there's peace. You're free and on neutral territory. Think about that. Would be lovely to keep that peace, right?

Rennie can you articulate why you think you might have be better off with him than on your own? I would hazard that he may think he is better off with you, but that's a given. What about you? What have you got to gain from staying? What have you got to gain from staying away? for you, this is a scary move, but so necessary for your own mental health. And that is who you need to prioritise - you, not him, as cruel or mean as that sounds (although it really isn't cruel or mean, but he wants you to feel it is).

Wow, you re an amazing woman Rennie, try to remember how long you have wanted to leave. Please give yourself a well deserved chance. Let your Husband visit his GP, and fend for himself. Maybe he is depressed, maybe not, but you won't know, if you don't wait and see.
I know you're in a difficult place, but get yourself a take a way, have a glass of wine, just take one day at a time.
You haven't come all this way, for nothing. 🍷🍱🍰💐👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻

Back in work this morning. DH off with me and I feel down about that!! Goodness knows how many times he's made me feel down with his constant criticism, blaming and passive aggressive behaviour.
Not sure if I'd feel better off with him, but I suppose it's company (not great company), familiar house and DCs not having to go through the upheaval separation entails.
I'm struggling on my own as I'm over 50, no DC at home, feeling a bit lonely (haven't told friends yet as I'm so undecided) and questioning myself if things were really so awful, mind you he's said some pretty awful things to us all.
I just don't know what's the right thing. I know he'll never improve as he sees everything as everyone elses fault.
I'm just so indecisive, I know it's early days. Maybe I'll see how the DC react. Thank you for cheering me on-it does help!

Rennie: don't beat yourself up. Its all part of the process. Because it isn't always, its hard to remember how you felt in that moment and you focus on the good times cos its easier. See this website, look at he toolkit.

outofthefog.website/what-not-to-do-1/2015/12/5/self-doubt

I finally told OH I am leaving at the weekend, i have everything sorted. I couldn't stay for a long period as I know I will change my mind because I feel sorry for him .

He shouted and got angry true to form and told me I was being melodramatic and sensationalist. He has now gone food shopping. He minimises everything, and for that reason, I know he won't change.

Stay strong.

Instead of thinking of it as 'not that bad' it's equally 'not that great'.

You're living with someone who quite clearly doesn't even like you. He doesn't rate you as a person. You have friends who like you enough to give you their house to stay in! You must be a nice person- but he doesn't see that does he?

It's enough to leave simply because you no longer feel liked by the other person; and equally if you don't like who they have become.

Don't put this on your kids. You're the only person actually in a relationship with this guy, you know how it feels.

To give another perspective, I know of many couples (including me and DP) who frankly may well split up when the kids have left home. No abuse, nice atmosphere, no criticising etc just boredom and mismatched personalities.

Once your kids have left home you have to live for yourself, not them. There will be no practical upheaval in their lives, and I bet they're much better with the emotional side than you expect.

Give them a chance to show you how adult they are. This is your life, not theirs. My parents split up when I was 12, I think I maybe cried once. Life goes on.

Tell people. It will make it seem more "real" and help you feel in control.

Rennie your personal reasons for not separating are having rubbish company, familiar house. It's not a stellar list. Why not list all the things that you will enjoy about living on your own? Watching what you want on TV, not walking on eggshells all the time, being able to feel good about yourself without someone saying horrible things and bringing you down. It's time to focus on yourself. It's OK to be selfish and prioritise your own needs. In fact, it's essential for ongoing happiness.

Have you read the Lundy Bancroft book, Why does he do that?